Khloe Kardashian

Khloe Kardashian had a wardrobe malfunction

Khloe Kardashian had a little wardrobe malfunction on Saturday, exposing her Spanx while leaving the Four Seasons Hotel in Westlake Village. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Spanx, they're basically modern versions of the old-school girdle, making today's woman on the go seem slimmer than she actually as. That's right. Khloe Kardashian is actually bigger than she appears to be in pictures. I . . . I . . . I think I need a rape shower.

*20 Khloe Kardashian Spanx pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian leaving an office building in Beverly Hills (3/22)

C'mon, did you really think you could separate these two forever? Of course the Kardashians were eventually gonna start selling their own line of fake tan. Snooki and JWoww are gonna be so excited! Kim told Women's Wear Daily:

"I think tanning has really been a way of life for all of us, living in California," Kim said. "Especially, more recently, the need for sunless tan. When I travel, the one thing that makes me feel alive whether or not I have makeup on is a tan, especially in my face. When you travel, you can't just go lay out. I do like regular tanning because I have psoriasis, and the tanning beds are particularly good for that. Every time I put sunless tan before, it wouldn't be even -- so we wanted a system that was really easy but yet is a full system."

"[We] came up with something that is still good for your skin and healthy for you; everything is paraben- and sulfate-free," Kourtney said. "We love beauty and fashion, but making sure we're taking care of our bodies is crucial to us."

You know what? I'm all in on this one. I've seen the Kardashians without makeup, so I can tell you in all honesty that these animals know all about blotchy, uneven skin. They need all the help they can get. Another thing the Kardashians know all about is the proper fluid squirting dynamics so crucial to a quality bottle of fake tan -- look for their new line to be dispensed from a giant black bottle that won't call you tomorrow.

*21 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Khloe Kardashian shopping in West Hollywood (3/14)

What's that? A Kardashian thinks she should be held to a different standard than the rest of the public? Well I never! Via Contact Music:

[Khloe Kardashian] was driving through California [last week] when her vehicle was pulled over by cops, who gave her a warning over the car's darkened windows, which are restricted in the state.

Kardashian was furious about the incident and blasted the police in an angry post on her Twitter.com page, writing, "Pulled over for tints... Are you this bored?? Fight crime not tints my dude."

Look, I never want any police department in the world to ever think that it's not OK to harass a Kardashian, but I have to agree with Chewy on this one. Officers, NO ONE wants to look into a window and see that monster looking back at them. Khloe looks like the Cloverfield creature, minus the soothing voice. That being said, I do believe that Khloe owes the LAPD an apology. If she refuses, perhaps an apology can be extracted from her hide with those handy batons and tasers you gentlemen carry? Treat the gal to a nice Rodney King Evening for me.

*30 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Khloe Kardashian arriving at Sirius Studios in New York (2/1)

Life & Style says Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are on a "trial separation" right now due to the face that Lamar really really really wants to nail some NBA groupies on the Clippers road trip. Well, duh:

"He told Khloe he needs time to think and be away from her," an insider shares. "He feels completely smothered by her. He feels like he has lost a lot of himself in their marriage and being a part of the whole Kardashian machine, and he is over it."

Lamar's first night away was Jan. 28 -- and he didn't waste any time falling back into his bad habits. An insider says he was back to "partying and talking to other women," just days into the break. In fact, an eyewitness tells Life & Style on Jan. 31 Lamar was grinding with a scantily clad brunette at Bloke & 4th in Toronto. "They were into each other and majorly flirting," a fellow clubgoer tells Life & Style. "At one point, Lamar sat down, took off his knit cap, and the woman was right there rubbing his head." 

"Lamar just wants to be with his teammates and friends and let loose -- he and Khloe were barely speaking when he left for his road games," the insider adds. "I wouldn't be surprised if he moved out after this separation. He is completely checked out."

Wow, I just caught myself there. Sorry, I was about to go on a rant regarding the end of the Kardashian era, but Team KKK has fooled me before. I'll give them credit for going to the same well and not getting called out on it by anyone except yours truly. Look, Lamar got what he wanted out of this relationship -- an upgrade from main stage slutty strippers to champagne room classy strippers. Khloe will be fine, too. Now she can play innocent victim to an evil NBA villain, just like her enlarging sister, Kim. But really, who cares. The only K I had a hard-on for was Kourtney, but now she's just a baby-shitting machine. Let's get those two youngsters a little more seasoned so I can speak on the subject without getting child services involved.

*10 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Lamar Odom hearts strippers

Since marrying Khloe Kardashian, Lamar Odom has been getting a ton of ass. Life & Style says that "ass" has not been Khloe Kardashian's. Awk. Ward.

While at [Downtown Cabaret] in the heart of Minneapolis [on Jan. 16], an eyewitness tells Life & Style, Lamar and some of his Clippers teammates were escorted from a private booth on the side of the main stage into the $500-per-hour Champagne Room where Lamar handed out roughly $2,000 while enjoying extra attention from a stripper named "Jasmine."

"She'll do anything back there [in the Champagne room]," a co-worker revealed. "She was all over him!" And Jasmine got rewarded handsomely for her attentiveness, admitting Lamar took good care of her, and that Jan. 16 was her most profitable night in weeks. "I can't wait until he comes back. He promised!"

As Life & Style previously reported, over the past few months, Lamar has been spotted boozing, flirting and partying it up with pretty girls at clubs all over the country, while Khloe is nowhere in sight.

What hope do the rest of us have if a fake relationship as strong as Lamar and Khloe's can't survive? It's a shame -- I really wanted to see if they'd be the first couple to have an interspecies baby. Oh well, clearly Lamar is ready to give up being a Kardashian . . . by acting like one. It looks like Khloe will just have to find another guy "her type" to lay her eggs in. I'm sure the NFL, NBA, and NHL are on high alert . . . just kidding about the NHL (obviously).

*15 Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Khloe Kardashian says she prefers being bigger

Khloe Kardashian tells the new issue of Glamour magazine that she's happier when she's fat, which is just another way of saying "I've accepted the fact that fried foods are extremely delicious." Via The Daily Mail:

The youngest Kardashian sister, spoke about her impressive weight loss of 30 pounds in 2009 thanks to taking Quick Trim pills. But the star revealed that even though she triumphed in some sense, she still found herself being criticised by others.

She told the February 2013 issue of America's Glamour magazine: "A few years ago I lost 30 pounds, and people still wanted to criticize. And honestly, I'm happy with myself if I'm a little heavier. I realized: Why am I trying to conform to someone else's idea of beauty? I think I'm beautiful either way."

Well, of course Khloe is happiest when she's fat -- grizzly bears can be even more dangerous and moody than normal when they haven't packed on enough bulk to survive the winter hibernation period. As far as being harshly critiqued, what does Khloe expect? I heard that 9/11, Pearl Harbor, and the sinking of the Titanic was actually the Kardashians' fault. It saddens me that so many people have already forgotten that. NEVER FORGET.

*15 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Khloe Kardashian heading to a gym in Miami (10/12)

According to the new issue of Star, Kanye West has found a new fashion project: Khloe Kardashian. Is he a masochist or something? From the tabloid:

Tired of his girlfriend Kim's constant fashion fails, the rapper and designer is turning his attention to Khloe: "She's been living in her sisters' shadow for so long, it's nice to finally get the attention," says a spy. Kim's love of tacky, tight dresses has made her an outcast with high society, but Khloe's chic new style is a hit. "Kanye introduced Khloe to Vogue's Anna Wintour, who shunned Kim. Kimmy is jealous, but she had her chance!" (Print Edition - 11/19)

Now here's some hope and change I can believe in. We should all thank Kanye for finally recognizing that people of Khloe's, ahem, "size" can be fashionable, too. Designing clothing for the very wide-shouldered is something that's been a long time coming, and every one from WNBA players to pre-op trannies to the Sasquatch population of the Western Colorado Rockies owe West a hearty "thank you" for lending his limited talents to the problem. If there was ever gonna be a line of clothing meant to give Polo Ralph Lauren a run for its money, Chewbacca Kanye West will be the one to do it.

*10 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kourtney Kardashian in Miami (12/3)

Khloe Kardashian went to the beach with her nephew on Monday and, at one point, her boobs almost fell out of her shirt. Oh she must have been so embarrassed. I'm sure she immediately ran home and shared a cry with Kris over a nice cup of chamomile tea. "Oh mother, I feel like the very nature of my morality is now being questioned!"

You know, or not.

*25 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Khloe Kardashian flashes her nipples on The X Factor

Khloe Kardashian's debut as host last night on The X Factor went exactly as planned. She wore a sheer shirt with no bra (oh my gosh, what a terrible accident) and now everyone in the media is talking about how you could see her nipples. Any publicity is good publicity, especially if you're a Kardashian. See, that's the kind of mentality they have that someone who used to be famous, like Paris Hilton, doesn't have. I'm convinced that, if everyone stopped caring about the Kardashians like they did Paris, Kris would make Kendall or Kylie kill a drifter just so the family could get their name back in the headlines again. "Suck it up Kendall, you little bitch, you'll get 10 years max, but think of the book deal afterwards!"

*11 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Khloe Kardashian out and about in Miami (10/15)

It usually takes two to make a baby. Unless you're Khloe Kardashian. From Life & Style:

"Khloe is still undergoing fertility treatments," a friend tells Life & Style, "and she has decided that if she is not pregnant by Christmas, she will start adoption proceedings."

To make that dream come true, she's continued visiting the Art Reproductive Center -- without Lamar by her side -- where she's received radiation and injectables to help her start producing eggs. "It's trial and error," she admits. "You [get] put on hormones and see if they work, and if they don't, then you move on to the next step."

However, Lamar has cooled to the idea after all the emotional and physically taxing issues they've endured. "Lamar's over it," an insider to Life & Style. "He has kids already from a previous relationship, so he's not dying to have more ... There have been big fights and arguments lately."

Wow, Khloe wants a baby, but Lamar doesn't want to give it to her? I'm shocked she didn't just lay eggs in Lamar's belly and wait for a monster to burst from his chest like Alien. Sure, it'll kill Lamar, but at least Khloe gets to pass on her genetic code . . . wow, I really wanted to make a reference to the movie Species, but there's no way I could link Big K to Natasha Henstridge -- even in a joking manner. Let me be honest and say that I've spilled much seed to pics of Natasha, while Khloe reminds me of Chewbacca, and I've only spilled about half as much seed to hi--*hangs head in shame*

*20 Khloe Kardashian pictures total in the gallery: