Kevin Federline

Britney Spears at JFK Airport in New York (12/20)

I don't know, maybe. The National Enquirer said she did and who am I to argue with those handsome devils. From the tabloid:

Britney Spears is haunted by an abortion nightmare — and her loneliness during the holiday season has worsened her deep despair.

“I killed my baby!” she cried during a recent emotional meltdown, an insider told The Enquirer.

Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline briefly reunited during the holidays two years ago — and Britney got pregnant, say sources. But when Britney told Kevin about the baby, he denied being the father and accused her of sleeping around — and a despondent Britney had an abortion. Despite going through some very traumatic and public ordeals over the past few years, Britney, 28, has made great strides in 2009.

“Britney fights depression every Christmas season, but this Christmas has been one of the worst for her,” maintained another source.

Britney should know by now that sleeping with K-Fed without using a condom is a big mistake . . . that usually leads to an even bigger one (CLICK HERE to read more about Sean and Jayden!). At this point, she probably shouldn't even be in the same zip code as the guy. Either way, the fact remains that these two are either perfectly matched biologically, or K-Fed's junk is more fertile than ancient Mesopotamia.*
 
*Read a history book!

Kevin Federline and his sons Jayden and Sean leaving a movie theatre in Chatsworth (12/20)

Didn't see this one coming but apparently Britney's current boyfriend Jason Trawick and her ex Kevin Federline are, like, total BFFs. From the National Enquirer:

Even though agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick turned down two marriage proposals by Britney Spears because he wants to "proceed cautiously," he's warming to the idea -- and just set up a hush-hush meeting with her ex, Kevin Federline, seeking his blessing as the future stepdad of K-Fed's kids.

"Jason not only professed his love for Britney, he told Kevin he absolutely adores his two sons, Sean and Jayden," said an insider. "Jason's spending lots of time with the boys -- even flying them, with Kevin's blessing, to hook up with Britney on her Australian tour -- and he's formed a strong emotional bond with the tykes. Jason acknowledged that Kevin will always be the boys' real dad, but respectfully asked his blessing as a future co-parent."

The secret Britney Summit was a smash success, ending in a big man-hug. Said an insider: "Kevin couldn't be happier. He trusts Jason. The guys agreed to keep in close touch -- and Britney's thrilled, knowing she's now one step closer to her goal of marrying Jason and living happily ever after." (Print Edition - 12/28)

Of course Jason has K-Fed's blessing. If he marries Britney, that means K-Fed still gets his money but will no longer have as much responsibility looking after the kids. And less time looking after the kids means more time laying around on the couch and doing nothing. He can't lose! The only way things could work out better for Kevin is if he's invited to the wedding and Britney has one of those stripper cakes at the reception . . . right next to an all you can eat buffet.

Kevin Federline playing golf in L.A. (12/11)

Weird that K-Fed's golfing in the middle of a Friday afternoon. His boss at work must have given him the day o -- AHAHAHAHAHA. Dammit, I was almost able to type that without laughing.

Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince leaving the Ed Hardy store in Sydney, Australia (11/27)

"Sorry Jayden and Sean, daddy lost so much weight that he got fired from his job as Mall Santa. There will be no Christmas this year."

ALTERNATE HEADLINE: Kevin Federline no longer banned from elevators

Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince grocery shopping in L.A. (10/9)

Kevin Federline and his wonder penis haven't impregnated anything in nearly four years. According to the National Enquirer, that miraculous streak may be over (via PopCrunch):

Kevin Federline’s girlfriend may soon be sporting a baby bump to match the former rapper’s buzzed about Buddha belly . . . Last summer, Victoria quit working to accompany Kevin around the globe. After one pregnancy false alarm earlier this year, the athlete begin to suspect that she was pregnant after the couple spent two weeks in Las Vegas in late September.

Kevin already has four children; daughter Kori, 7, and son Kaleb, 5, with ex Shar Jackson and sons Sean, 4, and Jayden, 3, with Britney; and was less than pleased with the idea of doing diaper duty with yet a third “baby mama.”

A source says: “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

Well there goes my theory about women not being able to get pregnant when they're unconscious. What, you didn't think Victoria was actually letting that fat bastard have sex with her willingly, did you? Awww, your naivete is so cute. Don't ever change.

NOTE: Is it wrong to change your kids' names years after their birth? If not, K-Fed needs to rename his kids "One," "Two," "Three," "Four", and the new one "Five," because that is the only way in hell he'll be able to remember all of their names.

Kevin Federline leaving Kabuki Sushi Bar in L.A. (10/1)

The owner of the house in Tarzana Kevin Federline was renting until last May is not happy. $110,661 not happy, to be precise. That's the amount he says K-Fed owes for damages and unpaid rent. List of the damages via TMZ:

• Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
• A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
• Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
• Broken light covers
• Bent light posts
• Broken tiles
• Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
• Drawings all over the walls
• A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission)
• Broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets
• Dismantled smoke detectors
• Front driveway oil-leak damage
• Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission)
  

... and last but certainly not least -- the owners claim K-Fed made off without returning the GARAGE DOOR OPENER!!!

Where the hell is K-Fed gonna come up with $100k+? Oh oh, I know I know! He can give up fast food restaurants for a month! And then, after he pays back his landlord, he can buy a new Lamborghini with all the money he has left over. Sure the fast food industry in L.A. will suffer -- I'm thinking widespread layoffs and restaurant closures, maybe a few chains filing for Chapter 11 -- but they'll eventually recover.

Kevin Federline at an am/pm in L.A. (10/1)

Just a minute before this picture was taken, K-Fed actually tried to eat those signs behind him. The gas station owner finally had to spray him with a hose to get him to stop.

UPDATE (8:43 PST): The Fire Marshall just told me I had to take this pic down because I'm "dangerously exceeding" the weight limit for the front page and risking collapse.

Kevin Federline at Whole Foods in L.A. (9/26)

On September 26, 2009, at approximately 1:15 PM, Kevin Federline entered a produce section for the first time in his entire life.

Kevin Federline in Miami (8/29)

In "six months too late" news, Kevin Federline is set to appear on the next season of VH1's Celebrity Fit Club. His ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson is appearing as well. Awk-ward. From TMZ:

Looks like Kevin Federline is tired of all the K-Overfed jokes -- because TMZ has learned he officially signed on to do the next season of "Celebrity Fit Club."

Federleezy has packed on the pounds of late but he's on a mission to reduce the rolls. Earlier today, a TMZ employee watched Britney's ex saunter onto the Simi Valley, CA set of the VH1 weight-loss reality show.

As TMZ first reported, Bobby Brown, Nicole Eggert and Kevin's other baby-mama Shar Jackson will also join him in trimming the fat.

The only thing harder than trying to lose weight on TV is trying to lose weight on TV with your ex-girlfriend. Now K-Fed will not only have to endure hours of strenuous workouts, but hours of bitching and nagging as well. The bottom line is that if K-Fed and Shar really want to lose weight instantly, they don't have to appear on this show -- they just need to drink Ipecac see each other naked.

Over/Under on # of episodes before K-Fed is kicked off for smuggling cookies in his fat rolls: 1.5

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick in Miami (9/6)

Guess who Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy Scott "Can I Have Your Number" Disick is hanging out with? K-Fed. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN!!! From the New York Post:

Now that she's pregnant, Kourtney Kardashian is making nice with her baby daddy, Scott Disick. The on-again couple joined Kevin Federline and his girlfriend, Victoria Prince, for dinner Wednesday at Gotham Steak in Miami Beach. "Kourtney and Scott looked really happy. He was spoon-feeding her," said an onlooker. But Disick hasn't totally changed his partying ways. After dinner, Kardashian went to bed while Disick and K-Fed hit nightclub LIV.

Scott's hanging out with K-Fed? That can only mean one thing for Kourtney: she'll soon become an expert on glitter cocoa butter writing alimony checks. Kourtney should realize that allowing her baby daddy to hang out with K-Fed is the worst thing she can do for the future of her unborn child -- followed closely by drinking, smoking, cage-fighting, gator wrasslin', and doing somersaults down a flight of stairs covered in coat hangers . . . or as the five are collectively known as: "Britney Spears' third trimester with Jayden."