Archive: Kevin Federline

Such a classy couple

Every few months or so, a story about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline getting back together is published (see here and here). The latest rumor is brought to you by the National Enquirer. The tabloid alleges that Britney and Kevin are undergoing couple’s counseling in the hopes of rebuilding their relationship. A source told the mag:

“Part of their therapy involves going on formal dates and Britney is so excited. She’s never stopped loving Kevin or hoping they’d get back together. Kevin still loves Britney too and if all goes well after six months of counseling they’ll move back in together with the boys.”

“Britney’s dad first talked to Kevin about reconciling with her last spring. He was really noncommittal at the time because he and Britney were still at odds over custody. But Kevin’s always believed it would be best for the boys to be raised by both parents, and he and Jamie spent weeks looking for a counselor who suited both his and Britney’s personalities and could come to their homes.” (Source)

Britney wants to go on formal dates with Kevin? A cold chill just went up the spine of every Arby’s employee in the greater Los Angeles area. Take my advice Arby’s Southern California regional manager Dave Browning: If you start now, you can get most of your windows boarded up before Hurricane Britney hits. The National Weather Service is predicting the storm could reach a Category 5 level of hunger!

[BauerGriffinOnline]

K-Fed at the grand opening of Lavo nightclub in Las Vegas (9/13)

Don’t let that “Father of the Year” award he received back in June fool you. Kevin Federline couldn’t care less about his kids, the short one and the dark haired one (his description, not mine). Federline missed his sons’ birthday party over the weekend in L.A. because he was too busy partying in Las Vegas. A source told MSNBC:

“On Friday night he went to the Lavo [nightclub] preview party, even danced to Britney’s ‘Gimme More’ and had so much fun that night he decided to stay for Saturday’s grand opening. Saturday he spent the day by the pool, then had dinner at TAO and hit the Lavo grand opening, red carpet and all, where he partied ’til 4am.”

Another source added:

“He’s apt to kind of just do what he wants. He loves the boys (Preston, 3 and Jayden, 2) but if he’s having fun someplace else, he’ll stick with that.” (Source)

Aren’t K-Fed’s kids better off when he ISN’T around? If those two are lucky, K-Fed will spend the next twenty years partying at clubs, and they’ll be able to grow up in a semi-normal household raised by nannies, housekeepers, and balloon clowns. For his children’s sake, if K-Fed really wants to ensure that they have a bright future, he’ll be what they need him most to be: an absentee father.

[Pacific Coast News, WENN]

Michael Lohan to box Kevin Federline?

Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael has challenged Kevin Federline to a charity boxing match . . . WINNER TAKE ALL not much! Michael told OK! magazine:

“Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he’s a notorious celebrity dad and so am I. It’s for charity. It’s serious
boxing. You have to go get a trainer. I have to register with the Mature Boxing Association.”

It should be noted that K-Fed wasn’t Michael’s first choice for a sparring partner: “I called Richard Johnson [editor of the NY Post’s Page 6 gossip column] and challenged him, but he didn’t accept. I don’t care who it is; it’s for charity. I’ve been beaten up by the press, so I don’t care if I get a few shots by a kid half my age.” (Source)

If I really wanted see some wannabe white rapper take on an over-the-hill nobody, I’d go to an Eminem concert and watch him bitch about his mother. The best way to make sure blows are landed in this fight: dress K-Fed up as Dina, and dress Michael Lohan up as Britney’s stomach.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Kevin Federline at Trump National Golf Club in Rancho Palos Verdes (7/29)

In the wake of the magnitude 5.4 earthquake that shook California yesterday, I’ve received literally thousands of emails from readers concerned about the health of Kevin Federline. Is he still able to golf? Can he still swing a club? Can he still drive a cart? Well don’t worry folks, Kevin made it through the tremor unscathed and was able to muster up the courage to pay $275 to play a round at Trump National Golf Club yesterday. Thank you Kevin, thank you for pulling us out of this disaster and showing us it’s OK to live again.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Happier times

Avoiding the stress and media circus surely to surround their upcoming trial, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have settled their custody dispute. Kevin wins! Britney gets visitation but Kevin gets sole legal and physical custody. Federline’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan told E!:

“Kevin was not [out] to get custody. Kevins goal was to set up some kind of template so the mother of his children can co-parent. He said I need to have Britney to be involved in the coparenting of the kids but I need there to be a structure. Nobody could have anticipated the terms of events that have occurred….This was a two-year journey that will be halted at a point that is good for these children. Custody is always modifiable. If there is a final order, it means there is nothing to try.” (Source)

This is so unfair to Britney. You take your kids hostage *one* time and everybody freaks out. I mean, sheesh, lighten up!

[BauerGriffinOnline]

K-Fed leaving LAX airport (6/28)

Kevin Federline had a fun-filled weekend in Miami. The rapper hosted a party at Mansion until 4 a.m. on Saturday morning — but he wasn’t partying, no no no, he was being a good parent. A source told People:

“Kevin was in a great mood and even talked about a new song he is working on, called ‘Daddy’s Home.’ He has put a lot of time and effort into writing and rehearsing it, but says it is not quite ready yet.”

At Mansion, Federline, dressed in an over-sized, blue, long-sleeved, oxford shirt and jeans, spent much of the night chatting with the club’s host Lyndon Smith, another single dad. “We talked about our kids and parenting and what that’s all about,” Smith says. (Source)

Right. I’m sure K-Fed and the club’s host sat around for hours and discussed “kids and parenting” the entire night. Why not make something up that’s actually believable? Like he could have said the two of them talked about string theory, the current economic instability in the U.S housing market, or exit strategies for the War in Iraq. Of course a more likely scenario is that K-Fed snorted coke off of strippers’ tits, threw hundreds around like toilet paper, signed his bar tab “Britney Spears,” and then took two curious 18-year-olds back to his hotel room to play naked Twister. So a lot like my last Tuesday.

[Flynet, BauerGriffinOnline]

Kevin Federline offered seven figure endorsement contract

And, incredibly, he may be too busy to accept it - *bangs head against table* - From In Touch Weekly:

Britney Spears’ ex-husband has been approached to be the new face of Christopher Brian Collection, In Touch can exclusively reveal. “We feel Kevin would be a great model for the line,” Chris Stokes, a music producer who co-owns the denim brand, tells In Touch. Nothing has been set in stone regarding the modeling gig because the 30-year-old father of four is busy with other projects. “Kevin is also working with Chris on his music and movie career,” an insider tells In Touch. (Source)

Are we supposed to believe that Kevin is so busy with other projects that he doesn’t have time to accept a million dollar modeling deal? This is the same guy whose previous record sales couldn’t even cover his weekly huggies bill. Besides, are jeans really the best product for Kevin to promote? I’d think Trojans, Planned Parenthood, and Maximum pills* would be a little more appropriate.

*currently endorsed by Peter North.

[WENN]

Kevin Federline is the father of the year

I’m sure this isn’t a publicity stunt at all, but a Vegas nightclub has named Kevin Federline the “father of the year.” People says:

Just in time for Father’s Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his “father of the year” status at a party he is slated to host there June 13. Sources tell People he will be awarded the title during a presentation at the club. (Source)

The only way this award makes sense is if Kevin won it — not for being a good father over the past year — but for fathering the most children. I wouldn’t give K-Fed a father of the year award if he was the last man on earth. I would give it to that crocodile I saw on the Discovery Channel last week. He only ate four out of his five young. He wins.

[WENN]

Britney and Kevin have phone sex

Though this is almost certainly not true, Star magazine claims that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have phone sex all the time. An insider told the mag.

“They have phone sex often — at least once a week. The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred.” (Source)

“And then we’ll have the biggest ham your eyes ever seen. And rolls with butter, and pie, and ice cream, and stuffin’, even mashed taters!”

“With gravy?!?”

“Country fried gravy.”

“Tell me more Kevin! Tell me more!”

[WENN]

Britney groping Kevin in 2004

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this story leaks just a day before rent is due. Kevin Federline told Showbiz Spy that he still loves his ex-wife Britney $pears:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said. And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite. “I spend the day chasing my kids around the house. Their needs define my daily schedule,” he adds. (Source)

I’d “still love Britney” too if she were the one paying for my hookers. I mean you’ve gotta be pretty cold-hearted NOT to love someone that puts the clothes on your back, food on your table, and roof over your head . . . unless you’re living in prison. Actually, that Britney prison analogy is fitting: 1. She’s hardly ever allowed to see her relatives (her kids). 2. People are constantly telling her what she can and cannot do (her lawyers). 3. She’s sometimes trades sexual favors for an extra serving of pudding.

[BauerGriffinOnline]