Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley leaving a restaurant in Rome, Italy (10/27)

I don't understand, I gave Keira Knightley these flowers 24 hours ago and she has yet to call me. My number was on the card -- and I wrote it in my own blood, so it's not like she couldn't read it. I paid 35 bucks for that new leather jacket, too. What a fuckin' waste.

*5 Keira Knightley pictures total in the gallery:

Keira Knightley at the premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest in London in 2006

Even if Keira Knightley was never cast as Elizabeth in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, I'm sure she'd have had no problem scoring a role as an extra. Why? Because no way in hell does she have breast implants. Wait, what? From the New York Post:

[Disney] has banned actresses with artificial enhancements for the fourth installment, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides," directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp as the drunken buccaneer Jack Sparrow.

The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking "beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."

And they warn that there'll be a "show and tell" day.

To make sure LA talent scouts don't get caught in a "booby trap," potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there's nothing moving from the waist up, they're saying, it's a dead giveaway that you're not all flesh and bones -- and you're out.

Oh. My. God. So you're telling me that there's actually a job out there where someone gets to critique the boobs of hot looking 18-25 year olds? That sounds like the sort of thing that only happens at a strip club or college. Of course Disney's right to make these requirements for the next Pirates film. Back in the time of Jack Sparrow, pirates weren't fascinated by large breasts -- they were more interested in booty.

Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley leaving the Comedy Theatre in London after her performance in The Misanthrope (12/29)

Scarlett Johansson heading to her gym in New York (8/10)

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot. I love chick fights. Even potential chick fights -- like the one brewing between Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley -- are hot. From the Chicago Sun Times:

STAR FEUD? Keira Knightley is not happy she's got a big competitor for the role of Eliza Doolittle in a big-screen remake of "My Fair Lady." While Knightley more closely resembles the original movie's Audrey Hepburn, Scarlett Johansson reportedly has a better singing voice -- something Knightley has been working to improve for the past three years.

I'm sure it's Scarlett's magical singing voice and extraordinary musical talents that are giving her the edge over poor Keira, and not the fact that she's built like an upside down pyramid. Unfortunately for Keira, she could practice her singing everyday for the rest of her life and she still wouldn't get the part over Scarlett . . . yes I'm trying to imply she needs implants  . . . I bet Demi Moore could recommend a good surgeon.