Ke$ha

Ke$ha celebrating the 8th anniversary of Pure nightclub in Las Vegas (3/31)

Ke$ha says Johnny Depp eye-fucked the hell out of her at a benefit concert last year, which seems much safer than actually fucking Ke$ha. From Metro:

It could all be in her head - but we'll give it to Ke$ha after she claimed she's had 'eyeball sex' with Johnny Depp. The outrageous singer insists she's not a 'slut' but revealed her stare-down with Johnny was mutual - months after his split from Vanessa Paradis last year.

"Me and Johnny Depp had eyeball sex at the benefit concert for Superstorm Sandy in LA," said the C'Mon singer. "We never really talked - we just had eyeball sex."

Eyeball sex, you say? That's what the not-so-pretty girls say. I bet if I interviewed Mr. Depp and got his version of the story, he wouldn't call it "eyeball sex." Nope, looking at the two of them I'd say Johnny would call it "visual rape," or "forcible diddling of the optic nerves." Ke$ha looks like her voice sounds without auto tuning: a bad heroin trip. I don't usually give advice for free, but I recommend Ke$ha stick to making shitty music and not accosting one of our great actors with her tomfoolery.

*20 Ke$ha pictures total in the gallery:

Ke$ha taking a piss

I don't know why you would actually want people to know this, but Ke$ha tweeted a pic of herself taking a piss on the street in Santa Monica earlier this week. I know, how charming. She tweeted:

pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffik.

The police love when you post pictures of yourself urinating in public and then taunt them about it. Oh yes, I bet they're having a hearty laugh right now. Ke$ha should stop by the Santa Monica Police Department and everyone could enjoy a hearty laugh together. And maybe she could make little piggy squeal sounds at all the officers. And when she walks through the door, she could whip out a huge fake gun and yell "THIS IS A ROBBERY!" and act like she's robbing the receptionist. For fakes of course. There would be nonstop laughs!

Ke$ha at KIIS FM's 2011 Wango Tango Concert at the Staples Center in L.A. (5/14)

Breaking news: Ke$ha is still a freak. Check out what she wrote on her Twitter last week:

"I've received 1 tooth from a fan. I made it into a neclace. But now I really wanna make a fan tooth necklace to wear to an awards show."

"So. What I'm getting at is please send me your teeth. I'm dead serious. I need your teeth."

"Wisdom teeth?? Cmon. Yall got some of those laying around."

"Ok so send them to my the following address:: ke$ha po box 120479 / nashville tn 37212"

"I love my fans btw"

"Let me wear ur teeth."

Whatever happened to the good ol' days when all a singer had to do to get attention was make decent music and have the occasional overdose? These days, it seems like all they do is spend their time coming up with new ways to out "shock" each other. Regardless, it probably won't be too hard for Ke$ha to collect enough teeth to make a necklace -- since anyone that's a fan of hers is probably a meth addict.

*25 Ke$ha pictures total in the gallery:

Ke$ha in Sydney, Australia last year

If this happened to me, I honestly don't think I'd tell any of my friends about it. From the New York Daily News:

Ke$ha lived up to her risqué reputation at Tenjune Thursday morning. After performing at Roseland, the singer arrived at her after-party at the Meatpacking District club around 12:30 a.m. with friends and bandmates. After yelling, "Who is going to get laid tonight?!" over the PA, a source says Ke$ha, drinking vodka mixed with energy drink, began "grinding" on a guy with "long, straight brown hair" in the VIP area. Without missing a step, our insider says she unbuttoned the dude's pants and reached into the dark abyss. The two danced a few moments before, we hear, Ke$ha switched partners.

It would be easy to assume that because Ke$ha immediately moved on to some other guy moments after she reached into the first dude's pants, that she didn't find what she was after -- a huge dong. But that's actually not true. By reaching into some stranger's pants in front of a whole bunch of people, Ke$ha found exactly what she's always looking for: free publicity.

*6 Ke$ha pictures total in the gallery:

*pukes in mouth*

If we never talk about this story again, we can pretend it didn't happen. From the San Francisco Chronicle:

Pop star Kesha has taken up a saucy new hobby to keep her amused on tour - naked painting. The "TiK ToK" hitmaker is currently on the road in the U.S. and the monotony of touring has inspired her to seek new ways of staving off boredom. And she's come up with a bizarre activity to keep her mind occupied - she strips off and rolls around on a paint-splattered canvas.

Kesha tells music magazine Q, "I have recently taken up painting as a way of killing time on tour. I got a big canvas, threw some paints down and then stripped off and rolled around on it. It's very liberating. And very, very messy."

Ke$ha honey, you're trying too hard. If you want to generate fake publicity like some of your contemporaries, you can't announce a hobby as mundane as naked body painting. You've got to up the ante. Instead of wearing an outfit made out of animal meat, you have to wear human cadavers. And instead of releasing a sex tape, you have to "accidentally leak" a snuff film. Pffft, naked body painting? What is this, 1997?

*5 Ke$ha pictures total in the gallery:

Ke$ha bikini pics!

Why does it always have to be that one courageous kid with the heart of gold who gets that rare disease where he dies if he's exposed to sunlight? Why can't it be Ke$ha?

*20 Ke$ha bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Ke$ha leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live! studios in L.A. (11/22)

Christina Aguilera wasn't the only celebrity who had her computer hacked recently -- Ke$ha might have had some raunchy pics stolen off her computer, too. Um, hoo . . . ray? From Celebuzz:

In yet another round of stolen celebrity photo scandals, German hackers have reportedly stolen files and photos from the computers of Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and other celebrities, and some reports claim that nude photos and songs were taken.

According to the Associated Press, a 17-year-old and 23-year-old are under investigation by German authorities for a year-long hacking spree targeting celebrities. They reportedly sold songs and files, earning more than $13,000 and allegedly tried to blackmail an unnamed female singer with nude photos.

There's no official confirmation on who that celebrity is, but reports claim it's Ke$ha involved in a sex act.

If you've seen Ke$ha in a bikini (here) then you know you won't be missing much if these pictures never get released. Girls with skin that white shouldn't be pop singers -- they should be geishas. Seriously, where did she grow up, the center of the Earth? Nicole Kidman thinks this bitch needs a tan.

*27 Ke$ha pictures total in the gallery:

Ke$ha's a weirdo

We truly are in the golden age of freakishly weird singers. You may think your new leather jacket is hip and fashionable, but was it hit by a Ford F250 and then found on the side of the road? Hell no it wasn't, bitch. Via Digital Spy:

Ke$ha has said that she enjoys wearing handmade clothing and accessories fashioned from "roadkill" collected at her friend's farm. Speaking to Newsweek, the 'Tik Tok' singer said that she would be happy for someone to wear accessories made out of her own body parts after she dies.

Ke$ha explained: "A friend of mine has a big farm in the desert, and she picks up feathers and roadkill for me, then makes it into clothes. I think it’s cool to wear roadkill. If I died and somebody wanted to wear my teeth around their neck to [the MTV] VMAs, I’d feel honoured."

Who knew dressing up in meat would become such a hot craze? I guess that means Ke$ha has something in common with Lady Gaga . . . and that crazy dude from The Silence of the Lambs. Let's just hope that one day, someone has the privilege of wearing body parts from a deceased Ke$ha. And let's also hope that day is tomorrow.

*5 Ke$ha pictures total in the gallery:

Ke$ha leaving the Tracie Martyn Salon in New York (8/17)

If your idea of a joke is wearing a silly mask to trick the paparazzi, but the joke is that the mask actually makes you look noticeably less ugly, does it still count as a joke?

*20 photos total in the gallery:

Ke$ha performing at the White Diamonds Party in Palm Springs (4/2)

What's worse than a lame sweater from your grandma for Christmas? A box of dog shit from Ke$ha (the morbidly obese zebra above). From the New York Daily News:

The "Your Love Is My Drug" singer revealed she gives special Christmas presents to her enemies -- dog poop. "Sometimes I'll walk my dogs and fill bags full of massive dog shit," she told contactmusic.com. "Then I'll wrap them as Christmas presents and give them to people."

Remind me never to get on Ke$ha's bad side by writing something mean about her . . . starting tomorrow. If this tub really wanted to leave her enemies a pile of shit, she'd mail them her latest CD. Besides, people hate it when you package up dog shit and trick them into thinking it's something they'll actually like -- just ask the Credit Default Swap assholes on Wall Street.

*30 pics total in the gallery: