Russell Brand has allegedly already started seeing other women in the wake of his split from wife Katy Perry, a report claims. According to Us Weekly, not only is Brand dating -- but he has already found someone special. A source tells the magazine, "He told her he wanted her to move in with him after the divorce is final."Geez, this Russell Brand guy is a clingy little parasitic twat, isn't he? He dumped Katy Perry because she came to her senses before Mr. Potato Head could ruin that body of hers, so he moved on to another host to extend his fame for another 15 minutes. He infected Europe, now he's spreading his horseshit here in God's country. Think of Russell as a talent-draining disease. There's no cure, but you can protect yourself from him by avoiding all contact. If you're lucky you'll live in fear for awhile, but hopefully your name won't appear on any quilts.
According to Us Weekly's source, Perry is allegedly aware that Brand is dating.
"She discovered through friends. One of the women told a friend of hers, and it got back to Katy," the source claims. "It's gotten ugly ... Katy doubts she'll ever be able to trust a guy again."
During a worship service this week, the two said that they believed Perry's split was God's way of bringing people to church. Mary and Keith Hudson saw an unusual surge in the crowd at their Church on the Rise in Westlake, Ohio, during the week following Brand's filing for divorce from Perry after just 14 months of marriage.Is it fair to say that the Hudson-Perry's are Tim Tebow fans? Jeez, enough with the God talk already. They say "oh my God, oh my God" so often, You'd think I was making sweet, sweet love to them. These people should stop looking for God everywhere and start finding Katy a good divorce attorney, because It wasn't God who told her not to sign a prenup. Here's the truth, Ruth: God didn't strike that marriage down to get more people into your church -- he struck it down because Russel Brand is far too much of a douche nozzle to enjoy the miracle that are Katy Perry's tits.
"I'm sure that Katy's trending on the Internet was to get you here to church tonight," Mary Hudson said from the pulpit, to a crowd of 300. "I mean all over the world, who knows how God is bringing them in? The most important thing is you are here and God wants to put the fire in you in 2012."
Keith Hudson added, "What has taken place in my daughter's life has opened many opportunities to go in and be with guarded and gated people. God has given us a platform to go in and meet people — and they like us because we are cool. We are not threatening. I love my daughter and I will always love her. Stop being judgmental and critical. Do not close the doors to your loved ones, especially your children. Just because they do not like what you do or what you are, they are still praying that you stay in the race. They are counting on you. I believe in God, for every one of my children."
A happy looking Katy Perry celebrated New Year's Eve by partying with friends and flirting with a mystery man at Soho House in West Hollywood. The superstar didn't let husband Russell Brand’s divorce filing stop her from celebrating, and she spent the night dancing and laughing with friends.So Katy Perry finally came to her senses. Katy, Russell Brand is the English version of Dane Cook. In other words, he's a douche that thinks he's edgy and funny -- he is neither. Literally anyone is a better catch. Did you see him in Arthur? Good God did Brand pinch a vegetarian loaf on the ghost of Dudley Moore. At least you figured it out before Russell could infect you with a giant-gummed un-hip baby. I'm being serious, you can do better. My dating schedule is pretty much locked until 2015, but for you and those melons, I'm sure my secretary can work you in.
One spy told Page Six, "Katy was in a private room with a group and she seemed to be in a great mood. She spent most of the night dancing and laughing with friends. One wouldn’t have ever even known that her husband had just filed for divorce. At one point, she was talking to a guy with long hair down to his shoulders in the hallway. They were talking for a while. She was smiling and leaning up against wall. After midnight Katy and a male friend got on the dance floor, twirling each other around and dancing holding hands. She looked like she was having a great time."
In papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court Friday, Brand, 36, cited "irreconcilable differences." No other specifics were provided in the documents, though Brand is asking that each party pay their own attorney fees and that their property rights be determined.Wait a minute, Russell filed for divorce from Katy, and not the other way around? What the fuck? Unless she has a Venus Flytrap instead of a vagina, I really don't see how that's possible. Russell Brand looks like he should be leading a drum circle at Burning Man, not divorcing hot pieces of ass like Katy Perry. Fuck this guy.
"Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," Brand tells Us Weekly in a statement. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends."
"Katy begged Rihanna to take some time off and get therapy. Rihanna's been running on empty. And rather than resting, she's drinking and clubbing until the early hours of the morning. Rihanna's been self-medicating with booze ever since her split [with Chris Brown], and it's not getting better. She calls Katy in tears, saying how down she is and that her life's controlled by her label. She just wants a loving boyfriend."I hope Rihanna realizes what a great friend she has in Katy Perry. Most celebrities simply wouldn't care, but Katy is a Christian, and that's how we roll. Since a good, God-fearing churchgoer like her would never accept money as a thank you, I suggest Rihanna show her appreciation by motorboating Katy's funbags and letting me watch. Who's with me? My priest told me that the only thing in this world more beautiful than Katy Perry's breasts would be to watch Rihanna's cinnamon lips suck on them. Sort of weird that he randomly mentioned that to me, but he does have a point.
Russell Brand, a recovering addict himself, has expressed concern. "He told Katy that she had to step in because Rihanna is on a very slippery slope," continues the source. "She's touched that they want to help, and she agrees that she must stop. She doesn't want to be the next Amy Winehouse." (Print Edition - 12/12)
"I started praying for [breasts] when I was, like, 11. And God answered that prayer above and beyond, by, like, 100 times, until I was like, 'Please, stop, God. I can't see my feet anymore. Please stop!' I was a lot more rectangular then. I didn't understand my body. Someone in sixth grade called me 'Over-the-shoulder boulder holder.' I didn't know I could use them. So, what I did was, I started taping them down. How long did I tape them down for? Probably until I was about 19. And, no, I don't have any psychological pain because of it."So praying to God will get you anything you want? OK, let's try it: "Dear God, please stop Katy Perry from talking about her tits every time she hasn't been in the press for five minutes or has something to promote. Also, if you wouldn't mind, do you think you could throw in the occasional wardrobe malfunction? Seeing Katy's tits is almost as impossible as seeing Big Foot or Michael Moore walk past a bakery and not go in. Thanks."
Would You Rather...? Spend one night with:
