Kanye West

Kanye West leaving Kim Kardashian's house in Beverly Hills (5/11)

While out for lunch with Kim Kardashian on Friday, Kanye West, head down, walked right into a sign and cut the shit out of his forehead. Of course, in the great Kanye's mind, this accident was not the great Kanye's fault, so he proceeded to freak the fuck out on the paparazzi, screaming and chasing them around like a guy really embarrassed that he just walked into a sign. It was pretty scary -- especially if you're afraid of 5'8" guys in leather shirts. *hold me*

VIDEO OF THE INCIDENT ON PAGE 2...

*15 Kanye West pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West at the "PUNK: Chaos to Couture" Costume Institute Gala at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York (5/6)

In what the New York Daily News is calling "one of the most absurd outfits ever worn," Kim Kardashian showed up to the annual Met Gala in New York last night wearing some kind of hideous floral monstrosity that was no doubt inspired by the curtains in a cheap motel that rents rooms by the hour. Life & Style says she had the dress altered at the last second because her arms are so fat:

"She had the Givenchy severely altered at the last minute on orders of her new stylist," a fashion insider tells Life & Style. "She's gained a lot of weight in her arms and her stylist has told her she should not show them off. So her dress now has sleeves when it was sleeveless before."

It's something that's not sitting well with her boyfriend.  Continues the source, "Kanye is annoyed, as the dress is by his best friend Riccardo Tisci at Givenchy, and he feels embarrassed that Kim is messing with a beautiful piece of art."

Proving that she's not just a heartless, money-hungry robot, Kim's donating the dress to the New York City nonprofit "Prom Dresses for Teens with Gigantism" who expects to use all the fabric to make prom dresses for 40 local teens with gigantism. You rock, Kim! Way to make dreams come true!

*26 Kim Kardashian Met Gala pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West out and about in Paris (3/4)

TMZ says Kanye West has dropped $100k+ flying back and forth from Paris and L.A. to be with Kim Kardashian during her doctor's appointments.

Kanye has been traveling abroad the past few months -- for events, performances and to record a new album -- but is still hitting up Kim's doctor's appointments. We're told Kanye has made at least three trips via private jet from Paris to L.A. (costing about $100k total) so that he can be in attendance for Kim on her checkups.

Our sources say Kanye even reaches out to the doctors beforehand to discuss the appointments and to make certain his schedule allows him to be there. According to our sources, Kanye has also flown Kim out to Paris on a private jet so they could spend extra time together before Kim is set to give birth in July.

I wonder if Kanye is regretting rawdogging the most mainstream porn star in the world? Condoms would have been free for this dope had he gone on Letterman or Kimmel and said: "Kanye used rubbers cuz Kanye fucks reality stars" -- hello Trojan endorsement. Kanye, I feel for ya', but come one, dude. You didn't think Kim wasn't gonna be as needy as she is phony? But hey, look on the bright side -- once the thing growing inside Kim eventually hatches, it'll only be another 30+ years of clingy attentionwhoring (I'm basing that on the fact that no Kardashian ever leaves home willingly).

*15 Kim and Kanye pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian leaving her home in Beverly Hills (2/22)

According to Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian is having a girl --oops, I meant Us Weekly. According to Kris Jenner, Kris Jenner would never betray a family secret like that for money.

Start buying little leather dresses! Kim Kardashian and Kanye West just found out they're expecting a baby girl, a source close to the pregnant reality star tells Us Weekly exclusively.

"They're over the moon!" a source close to the first-time parents-to-be tells Us. "Kanye always wanted a girl. He is so excited. It's really cute how excited he is."

This is like a dream come true for me . . . and for Kris Jenner. With her cross-promotional savvy, I can only imagine how wet Kris got when she started calculating potential product endorsement opportunities. We already know that Kim's up for anything, so child-whoring is not off the table. Expect the new line of KKK products to include:

• Victoria's Toddlers Secret
• Fisher Price's "My First Oopsie Cam"
• Mott's Valtrex-Flavored Juice Boxes
• Spermicide Jolly Ranchers

I already bought the domain rights to all of these, Kris, so get in touch with my lawyer and schedule a sit down with me.

*20 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian leaving a gym in Studio City (2/14)

Kim Kardashian wants to hire three nannies at $200k/yr to help raise her and Kanye West's baby. Well, of course. I just don't think it's possible to raise a child in this modern age without $600k worth of Uruguayans on staff. A source told Contact Music:

"As with everything Kim and Kanye related, they're not holding back. Each of the nannies will receive a salary of around $200,000 per [year]. They will be given a car each and new phones so that they can stay in contact with Kim and Kanye around the clock. They want to build a wing on their mansion with three bedrooms, three bathrooms, a second nursery, a kitchen and a spa area for their new employees. Kim and Kanye feel it's important to have a separate area marked off so that they can still spend time alone as a family.

"All of the candidates will have to go through a thorough interview process and the contracts will be absolutely watertight. They're really keen to make sure anyone they employ isn't fazed by their celebrity so they're looking for people who have previous experience working with high-profile clients."

Team KKK just can't give it a rest. Kim, Kanye, and the rest of those animals can't go a week without being detestable -- it's as if they declared Jihad against dignity. I have to ask, why does mother Kris think that leaking this information is good for her daughter's already shitty image? What difference would spending over half-a-million dollars make when mom and dad are reprehensible fame whores? I sincerely hope that the thing growing in Kim's belly is a girl who turns out to be just like her. I promised myself to keep Celebslam going until at least 2027 -- by then, the hologram of Kim's daughter getting plowed by whatever's considered taboo should be leaked to the internets.

*20 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kim cheated on Reggie with Kanye?

Did Kim Kardashian cheat on Reggie Bush with Kanye West? That's the claim rapper Consequence (not his given name) and his girlfriend Jen The Pen (not her given name) made on Power 105.1's Breakfast Club show earlier this week. But, but, but, that's just not possible -- Kim Kardashian is a graceful flower . . . who pulls trains through NAACP conventions and NFL combines. Via the Daily Mail:

Consequence was explaining why [Kanye and he] fell out when his girlfriend Jen interjected and made the claims.

"When he [Kanye] was sticking Kim when Kim was with Reggie you know whose secret that was? That was our secret ... When the rest of the world didn't know ... [Consequence] had his back every night that man called 'Wat do I, what do I do about Kim. I need to be with her.' That secret was in my home."

When the presenter asked for clarification that the couple were claiming Kim was cheating on Reggie with Kanye, the rapper replied by saying he had driven the Golddigger hitmaker to hotels to meet her.

He replied: "I was dropping him to the telly."

What do you call Kim Kardashian cheating on a brother with another brother? Tuesday.

Nothing shocking here. Move along now, children.

*20 Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West shopping in Paris (1/11)

I think every expectant mother [appearing on Maury] can sympathize with the problem currently facing Kim Kardashian: How do you prove your commitment to the father of your child when you're still legally married to another man? It's a question as old as time itself. From The Sun:

[Kim and Kanye] will exchange vows and rings at a private beach mansion in Malibu. Kim is likely to still be married to her estranged husband Kris Humphries when she gives birth, as the pair cannot reach an agreement on the details of their pending divorce.

A source told The Sun: "Kanye is very traditional. He'd have liked to marry Kim now they are having a baby. But with Kim still married to someone else, there is not much he can do. It won't be official like a wedding because Kanye wants that to be extra special when the time comes.

"But they will still exchange rings -- they just won't wear them on their wedding fingers. One of Kim's friends is lending them his $10 million Malibu beach mansion and the entire bash will take place there. It'll be a lot more low-key than a wedding."

Good grief, I can't believe it. Kim is not only giving her mom Kris a second moneymaking opportunity with this commitment ceremony (get your limited edition key chain now), but she's also giving her a THIRD one -- another wedding -- once she's officially divorced from her Neanderthal husband, Kris Humphries-Kardashian. And of course this means at least two more seasons of Keeping Up with the Attention Whores, and there is no doubt that Kim will star in at least one more "leaked" (but professionally shot and edited) sex tape. Geez, those Mayans sure got their predictions all wrong. That extinction level solar flare would almost be a welcome relief from Team KKK's relentless self-promotion.

*11 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian on her way to a gym in West Hollywood (1/2)

When she gives birth in June/July, due to their ongoing court battle, Kim Kardashian will technically still be Kris Humphries' wife. How romantic. I wonder if he's going to smoke a celebratory cigar with his friends?

*30 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West hosting a New Year's Eve party at 1 OAK nightclub inside The Mirage in Las Vegas (12/31)

In case you've been hiding under a rock these past few days, the big news over the holiday was Kim Kardashian announcing that she was pregnant with Kanye West's baby. I know, right? I thought she was saving herself for marriage, too. Just when you think you know someone . . . Kim wrote on her blog:

It's true!! Kanye and I are expecting a baby. We feel so blessed and lucky and wish that in addition to both of our families, his mom and my dad could be here to celebrate this special time with us. Looking forward to great new beginnings in 2013 and to starting a family. Happy New Year!!!

Kris Jenner must be salivating at the prospect of a Kim Kardashian/Kanye West baby. Sure it was nice to get those $750 checks from In Touch when Kourtney started pumping out kids, but Kim's the real star of the family. The possibilities are endless . . . Kris Jenner Productions Presents: Kim and Kanye: The Moment of Conception, A Special DVD Box Set for Adults Only. 4 easy payments of $19.99. All major credit cards accepted.

*31 Kim and Kanye pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian arriving for a flight at Miami International Airport (12/16)

Has Kanye West's career gone completely to shit since he started dating Kim Kardashian? Why yes, yes it has. From the New York Daily News:

"His personal life is overpowering his music," an industry source says. "Every time he plays, people are wondering if Kim is going to be there. It's not a good thing for him, especially if he wants to be taken seriously."

Kardashian is also affecting West's income. The rapper was offered several opportunities to host New Year's Eve parties in Vegas and Miami -- but only if he would bring Kardashian. West declined the offers. "Kanye was actually offended by the offers," says the source.

In the beginning of their relationship, West tried to put his foot down when it came to appearing on the Kardashian family's shows. "He made it clear to her he doesn't want to be on her show, but Kim gets upset so he caves in," adds the source.

West seems to be savvy about his haters and plans on restructuring his team soon. "He has been meeting with top-level music executives seeking advice," says the source. "He's not happy with the direction things have been going."

My daddy once told me: "Son, if you're gonna lay down with pigs, then you should expect to get hit with slop . . . now be a good lad and help me bury this dead hooker." Wise words from a wise man. Kanye could do worse than to take advice from my old man -- any idiot could have told him that Fatso would desperately claw at his A-list status to pull her enormous ass off the D-list (sorry scat fans, she's a D-lister). What's funny to me is how easily Kanye gave up his fame just to get front-of-the-line privileges for a rollercoaster that everyone's already ridden. Maybe Kanye West isn't as big as he thinks he is. Think about it -- how smart would you be if not only did you reuse toilet paper, but you let that toilet paper follow you around to remind you of your dirty deed?

*30 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery: