JWoww and her new toys

Remember last week when I speculated that JWoww got some new fancy fake tits? Turns out I was right -- JWoww got some new fancy fake tits. In a wall of text because her return key doesn't work, she confirmed on her blog:
Hey boos! A lot of you have been asking about my most recent boob job after seeing my waist training pic and I wanted to tell you more about it. I got my first one ten years ago after being inspired by my girl crush Carmen Electra- she had the most amazing boobs I had ever seen and I had to get them! I found my boob man, Stephen T. Greenberg, MD and he literally gave me the most perfect boob job! I went up to a 34F and couldn't be happier! But ten years later and with the birth of my angel baby Meilani, they had changed a bit, especially with breastfeeding! I wanted them really badly and Roger was kind of like 'If you have to go do it...' He loves me just the way I am, but he's not complaining about the upgrade now LMAO! You know, they recommend changing them every 10 years and I've had them for over 10 years, so it was time! Now they are nice and bouncy!!! I kept them the same size, so they are still Fs. I just switched them out from breast-feeding! They are so amazing right now and still have a soft, natural look to them thanks to my amazing doctor. I'll get another one in a few years after I have my next baby. YES, I said it! I want another baby and that's why I wanted to get them done now before we try again and before our wedding too! I'm so excited for these big moments to happen in our lives and 2015 is definitely our year! Plus baby Meilani needs a younger sister or bother to play with... or boss around ;) .

Can't wait to share more updates with you!
I love that in JWoww's long justification on why she got new tits, she doesn't actually put the real reason: "I'm a plastic skank. There's a bunch of younger plastic skanks at the club. I want to stand out." 19 words. Truth. Done. Seems like she could have saved herself some effort.

*5 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww Newer Boobs 1
  • JWoww Newer Boobs 2
  • JWoww Newer Boobs 3
  • JWoww Newer Boobs 4
  • JWoww Newer Boobs 5
JWoww got another boob job

JWoww instagrammed a pic yesterday to promote some crappy waist cincher, and yup, those are definitely new boobs. Wow, I thought she would blow all her Jersey Shore money on stocks, bonds, and mutual funds, not fake tits. Totally didn't see this coming at all, said no one ever.


JWoww leaving New York Live studios in New York (5/28)

PUBLIC SERVICE ADVISORY: If anything of yours has gone missing in the past 30 days (keys, purse, wallet, dog, child), there is a very good chance that JWoww ate it. You might want to question her.

*15 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 1
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 2
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 3
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 4
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 5
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 6
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 7
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  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 14
  • JWoww Pregnancy Face 15

Snooki and JWoww at the 2013 Jingle Ball at Madison Square Garden in New York (12/14)

Thanks to Snooki, we now know way too much about her and JWoww's ovulation cycles -- which is now suddenly newsworthy because JWoww just announced that she's pregnant. Big congrats to the future father . . . um, I think. JWoww tells In Touch Weekly:
"We want our weddings close together, I'd love to have mine in September then Nicole could do November."

Snooki added: "I'll probably get pregnant on my wedding night, that's the goal. We should get pregnant together, can we please try and conceive at the same time? We already ovulate at the same time."
Oh, yeah. This story is for all you potential celebrities out there. We live in a time where you don't necessarily need to be good-looking, talented, or even particularly smart to be famous -- just be classless bores like Nicole Polizzi and Jennifer Farley. Will you be respected as artists or visionaries? Of course not, but just being a bit famous is worth not having the slightest shred of dignity whatsoever. Not that anyone was asking, but we now know that Snooki and JWoww are demanding raw creampies for the new TV season (no word if Valtrex will sponsor their rutting sessions, yet). Good job, girls. You've stretched your 15 minutes so far that I hear that you're being named honorary Kardashians -- and you know what that means, right? Bukkake party, bitches!

*11 Snooki and JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 1
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 2
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 3
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 4
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 5
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 6
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 7
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 8
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 9
  • Snooki JWoww Ovulation 10

JWoww at the 6th Annual Icons & Idols event at Finale in New York (8/25)

I guess JWoww is trying to shed her trashy Jersey Shore image or something, because she didn't have one wardrobe malfunction at the Icons & Idols party in New York on Monday night. Her tits were barely hanging out. In fact . . . yep, I'm pretty sure that's actually an old prom dress she's wearing. "Seniors rule, freshman drool!"

*15 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww Prom Dress
  • JWoww Classy
  • Trashy JWoww
  • JWoww Fashion
  • JWoww Tacky Dress
  • JWoww Plastic Surgery
  • JWoww Lip Implants
  • JWoww Collagen Injections
  • JWoww Looks Different
  • JWoww Face Lift
  • JWoww Blue Dress
  • JWoww In Touch Party
  • JWoww Drunk
  • JWoww Afterparty
  • JWoww Trashy Dress

JWoww's boobs are looking a little off

JWoww attended the One Life to Live and All My Children premiere in New York earlier this week, and, uh, I don't know if her right boob is shy or her left is trying to make a break for it, but something weird is definitely going on with her chest. It's almost as if having five boob jobs starts to affect the way your boobs look in a negative way.

*5 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww Lopsided Boobs 1
  • JWoww Lopsided Boobs 2
  • JWoww Lopsided Boobs 3
  • JWoww Lopsided Boobs 4
  • JWoww Lopsided Boobs 5

JWoww at the 24th Annual GLAAD Media Awards at the New York Marriott Marquis (3/16)

You think when you made as much money as JWoww made from Jersey Shore, you could hire a makeup-artist/stylist/hairdresser to make you not look like a Vegas drag queen doing a parody of a Vegas drag queen, but, meh, what do I know? Maybe she bought a shitload of Google stock instead. GOOG, up 14% on the year. Score one for JWoww!

*20 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 1
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 2
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 3
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 4
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 5
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 6
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 7
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 8
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 9
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  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 16
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 17
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 18
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 19
  • JWoww Fake Boobs Dress 20

JWoww says that wasn't her real ass on New Year's Eve

JWoww says the unflattering pictures of her ass taken on New Year's Eve were photoshopped and that wasn't actually her ass, so to prove it she uploaded a video yesterday to Keek showing her "real" ass (in soft lighting and much more flattering underwear). Yes that's right, the three independent paparazzi agencies who managed to snap pictures of her ass are all conspiring with each other by meticulously photoshopping each and every picture they took to make JWoww looks bad. "The slutty chick from Jersey Shore is getting too powerful . . . . we must find a way to bring her down."

*10 JWoww ass pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww Ass Video 1
  • JWoww Ass Video 2
  • JWoww Ass Video 3
  • JWoww Ass Video 4
  • JWoww Ass Video 5
  • JWoww Ass Video 6
  • JWoww Ass Video 7
  • JWoww Ass Video 8
  • JWoww Ass Video 9
  • JWoww Ass Video 10

JWoww appearing on New Year's Rockin' Eve 2013 in Times Square (12/31)

I could post something more disturbing than these pictures of JWoww's ass on New Year's Eve, but I haven't actually found any pictures of kittens being raped and murdered by a guy in a clown outfit yet.

*5 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww New Years Ass 1
  • JWoww New Years Ass 2
  • JWoww New Years Ass 3
  • JWoww New Years Ass 4
  • JWoww New Years Ass 5

JWoww and her boyfriend Roger Mathews heading to a gym in Toms River, New Jersey (9/4)

Jersey Shore's JWoww is getting married. Her boyfriend Roger Mathews proposed earlier this month while the two were skydiving. Good for her. She can finally have sex (after the wedding, of course). From In Touch Weekly:
After floating down to earth, "I look over and see a hand-written sign: 'Jenni, will you ... ' and then I turned to him and freaked out," recalls Jenni, who was so overwhelmed from her plane jump that she missed both the handwritten sign he'd made and his verbal plea for her hand in marriage.

"The whole time I'm screaming, 'What are you doing? What's going on?'" she tells In Touch. "He's like, 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Will you allow me to?'"

Of course, the answer was an unequivocal "yes." "If I had to imagine a perfect guy, it would be him," Jenni gushes.
You know what? That proposal was a hell of a lot classier than I imagined it would have been. I've always assumed a proposal with JWoww would have involved some random dude asking her to "wanna tie the fuckin' knot, or what?" while Jenni vomited her dinner of martini olives and mini umbrellas in the men's room toilet. See? It goes to show that anybody can be graceful if you try hard enough. The only question I have is who will give JWoww away? It could be her father, but don't count out her doctor at the Seaside Heights Free Clinic, "Home of the Buy One Get One Free Abortion!"

*15 JWoww pictures total in the gallery:

  • JWoww is Engaged 1
  • JWoww is Engaged 2
  • JWoww is Engaged 3
  • JWoww is Engaged 4
  • JWoww is Engaged 5
  • JWoww is Engaged 6
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  • JWoww is Engaged 9
  • JWoww is Engaged 10
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  • JWoww is Engaged 13
  • JWoww is Engaged 14
  • JWoww is Engaged 15