Justin Theroux

Jennifer Aniston might get married here

TMZ says this is the place -- the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete -- that Jennifer Aniston visited recently on a wedding scouting trip. Apparently she's thinking of marrying her boyfriend Justin Theroux this summer (even though he hasn't proposed yet, but that's just a minor technicality). Oh, did you hear that Jennifer's ex-husband Brad Pitt proposed recently to Angelina Jolie, and they're also getting married this summer? I don't know about you, but I am shocked by this shocking coincidence.

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston's dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ ... Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.

BTW, one of the hotel big wigs says Aniston hasn't settled on his hotel for the nuptials ... as he put it, "She has connections on the other side of the island as well."

As for her maid of honor, Celebslam can exclusively report that Jennifer is thinking of asking her cat Brad, but only if he consents to wearing a cute little dress she bought from Petco. Meanwhile, her other cat Angelina languishes away in her cage, hoping her meows will be loud enough to remind Jennifer to fill her food bowl for the first time in two weeks. She is not getting her hopes up of receiving an invitation to the wedding.

*14 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston (and Justin Theroux) out and about in New York (3/15)

Jennifer Aniston was spotted wearing a large diamond ring yesterday in New York. So, what's up? Is she engaged? How did Justin propose? When's the wedding? How big is the ring? As soon as I'm done not giving a fuck, I'll let you know.

*5 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux in New York (10/9)

C'mon, you just know this bitch is gonna emasculate her husband by hyphenating her last name if she ever gets married again. The only thing I'm more sure of is that the Sun is going to rise tomorrow morning. From Star:

"Justin [Therouex] and [Jennifer's dad John] got along great from the moment they met," a source tells Star. "John feels that Justin has been wonderful for his daughter and say's he's never seen Jen happier. John would love nothing more than to see them walk down the aisle. He's told Justin he's willing to do whatever he can to help ... Justin is planning to ask for John's blessing this Christmas. He believes that with Johns' blessing, he will finally be able to convince Jen to accept his proposal."

"It's not that Jen isn't madly and passionately in love with Justin," the source explains. "It's just that she was so burned before, she has trouble trusting men. She would be ecstatic to marry Justin and start a family. If John's on board, she's just more likely to say yes!" (Print Edition - 12/12)

This Justin Theroux sounds like a solid dude. Why not try to make Aniston a respectable woman? He's even going old school with the whole "get the old man's permission" horse shit. It reminds me of how nice the car dealer was last year even though I was buying an '81 Buick Skylark. Justin's putting way too much work in for someone that's been proverbially chewed up and spit out in life. And it won't work in the end, sorry to say. Jennifer Aniston needs what the Kardashian sisters can't get enough of, but would shame the family to ask for. Oh yeah, I know you ladies know what I'm talking about, right? I'm talking about more exposure to 15-20 year old females. They're the ones with the real power to boost ratings/box office numbers . . . wait, what did you think I was gonna say? Black cock? Wow, you are super racist.

*10 Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux pictures total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston should totally fight

Jennifer Aniston almost had a *really* awkward moment at the ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood over the weekend. And no, I don't mean she almost saw the new Adam Sandler movie. From the New York Daily News:

While Aniston, 42, was at the popular movie theater with beau Justin Theroux, her famous ex had a larger entourage in attendance: his children with partner Angelina Jolie.

According to X17online, Pitt took kids Shiloh, Zahara, Pax and Maddox to see the 2 p.m. showing of Martin Scorsese’s “Hugo.” Once the family flick ended, the brood reportedly made their way to the parking garage just minutes after Aniston and Theroux entered the movie theater for a later movie.

"Justin and Jennifer skipped the popcorn and went straight in. Like five minutes later, Brad and the kids came out of the theater," a source told X17. "They just missed each other!"

Well wouldn't that have been uncomfortable if Jen and Justin actually ran into Angelina and Brad. Can you imagine how the conversation between these two would have gone?

Brad: "Oh, hey Jen, how's it going?"

Jen: "Oh my God, I love you!"

Brad: "Uh, yeah. So anyway, what are you here to see?"

Jen: "My letters! Did you get all of the letters I've been sending? What about the ones with pieces of my hair glued to them?"

Brad: "Yeaaaah. Well, it's been good seeing you. Take care."

Jen: "Call me! I haven't changed my number so you'd still know what it was. I've even kept all of your voicemails. You know, the ones where you said you loved me and we'd be together forever. I miss those days so much. Why can't it be like it was back then, when everything was perfect and we had the whole world at our fingertips? Do you remember that one time on the beach in Kauai when you-"

Justin: 'Uh, Jen. He walked away five minutes ago."

*13 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston arriving at the Museum of Modern Art in New York for a party (11/7)

Note to Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend Justin Theroux: GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! From the National Enquirer:

[Jennifer Aniston's] fiery outbursts are driving a wedge between her and fed up boyfriend Justin Theroux, says a longtime pal: "Jennifer has a wicked mean streak and wild mood swings, and Justin is bearing the brunt of them. I think her temper is taking a toll on their relationship."

According to the pal, neat-freak Jennifer throws temper tantrums when Justin leaves clothes on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink overnight - and when he leaves the toilet seat up.

"She even gets annoyed if he moves her beauty products around and disorganizes them," disclosed the pal. "Jen can be sweet and nice one moment, and then ranting, raving and throwing things the next. Jen puts up a public front that she's all Zen, calm and cool, peace, love and yoga. But behind closed doors, she can be a shrew - and it's creating problems with Justin." (Print Edition - November 21)

You can't get mad at a guy that leaves dirty clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink, and the toilet seat up -- it's just what we do. It sounds like the real reason why Jen can't stay in a relationship with a man is because she's looking for a woman. Newsflash Jen: guys are dirty. There's only one guy in the world who keeps things clean like a woman, and his name is Chaz Bono.

*16 Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Theroux and his sugar mama

No shock here, but Justin Theroux hasn't dropped a dime since he started dating Jennifer Aniston earlier this year -- she's paying all the bills. I wonder if she gives him a weekly allowance, too? From the Chicago Sun Times:

... the hot romance between Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux is going strong. While the actress -- one of the wealthiest women in Hollywood -- pays most of the bills, a longtime Aniston associate says it's not an issue.

"While Justin is a very successful, working actor, obviously his bank account likely will never be more than a fraction of Jen's," the source said. "Money isn't important to them, though Jen clearly is used to all the finer things in life -- ranging from expensive homes, pricey restaurants, always flying private and stuff like that. No way Justin could pick up those kinds of bills."

Now things are finally starting to make sense about this relationship. Justin's with Jen because she's his sugar [grand]mama. Let's just hope for Justin's sake that Jen's bought him something that he could really use -- like earplugs. Of course, you know there's one thing she doesn't have to buy: condoms. The only thing more barren than Jen's uterus is Lindsay Lohan's resume.

*11 Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston and her douchebag boyfriend Justin Theroux

"Oh my gosh, Brad still cares about me! Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh." From UK tabloid Now:

"Brad [Pitt] thinks Jen [Aniston] needs someone who isn't as moody and mysterious as Justin [Theroux]," a mutual friend of the former couple tells Now. "He's always wanted to see Jen end up with her own 'happily ever after', partly due to his guilt over ending their marriage. But he doesn't like Justin and has made his feelings clear to anyone who's asked him."

You just know that getting a reaction out of Brad is exactly the reason why Jen is dating this emo douchebag in the first place. The slightest possibility of hearing Brad talk about her is probably what gets Jen up in the morning. After she's done with this Justin guy, Jen should consider moving on to someone that will really get tongues wagging -- like Ellen DeGeneres.

*5 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston at Heathrow Airport in London (7/21)

Jennifer Aniston is taking it predictably slow with new boyfriend Justin Theroux . . . nah, I'm totally kidding. "IMPREGNATE ME WITH YOUR SEED JUSTIN!" From Us Weekly:

"They have talked at length about getting married and starting a family," an insider close to the pair tells the new Us Weekly, out Wednesday. "She is anxious for the next phase of her life and feels like this is the time."

And her hunky new guy (who split with girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens in March) is completely on board with having a baby, a second insider says: "They both want it to happen soon."

"Jen hasn't felt this way about anyone since Brad," a pal says of Aniston's ex-hubby Brad Pitt. Adds another friend: "They are moving quickly, but they know the feelings they have about [each other] are different from past romances."

Jennifer Aniston's already talking about starting a family and settling down with a guy she's barely known two months? Gee, must be August. When Justin finally dumps Jen in November, I wonder if Us Weekly is going to use words like "smothered" and "pressured." Ohhhhh, I can hardly wait to find out! The suspense is killing me!

*16 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston [and Justin Theroux] arriving at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel in New York (6/26)

What's that? You say there are already problems between Jennifer Aniston and her new boyfriend Justin Theroux? Well I never! A source told the National Enquirer:

"Jen's romance has already hit rough water, and she's desperately hoping they can overcome these new problems. Once Justin split from Heidi, he became practically glued to Jen's side. In no time at all, he had moved in and began to monitor her every move with nonstop texts and cells calls. But what's really bugging Jen is Justin's constant nagging about becoming a vegetarian - like he is.

"[Justin's parents] refused to meet her or even speak about Jen. Justin's parents think she's heartless for going after a guy in a long-term relationship. Jen's starting to think she got herself in too deep too quickly."

Oh wow, what a surprise. A relationship involving Jennifer Aniston isn't going well. The only thing more predictable than death, taxes, and a summer movie based on a retarded comic book is the inevitable crash and burn of a Jennifer Aniston romance. Frankly, if the Mayans were alive today, I'm pretty sure they'd base their calendar on it.

*10 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

More about how that backstabbing bitch Jennifer Aniston pulled an Angelina Jolie on Justin Theroux's girlfriend, courtesy of Us Weekly:

"Jen went after him," a set source tells the new Us Weekly; as Wanderlust's shoot continued, Aniston and hunky Theroux, 39, began having secret trysts at her temporary digs, a huge, secluded house on Georgia's Lake Rabun ... Aniston overlooked her secret beau's relationship status, a Theroux insider says: "Jen wanted Justin and it didn't matter that he was already with someone."

Fast forward to March of 2011 -- when Theroux abruptly ended things with fashion stylist Bivens, 35, who moved out of their NYC apartment in June. Blindsided and hurt, Bivens "didn't know Aniston was the catalyst" behind the split, the source says, "until now."

And, yes, the bitter irony -- Aniston's husband Brad Pitt infamously left her for Angelina Jolie six years ago after falling in love on set -- is lost on no one. "It's amazing she would go for an attached guy after what happened to her."

If you ever felt sorry for Jennifer Aniston before, you sure as shit can't now. Doing the same harm unto others as other have done unto you not only violates "The Golden Rule," but it confirms what everyone has been saying about Jen for more than a decade -- that she's a complete bitch. Let's just hope if these two ever get hitched that Brad and Angelina send them the appropriate gift -- a thank you card.

*5 Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux pictures total in the gallery: