Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez in Maui in 2011

I didn't think it was possible to make Justin Bieber look like an even bigger pussy than he already is, but Selena Gomez somehow found a way to do it last night on Letterman:

Dave: "Now, I remember last time you were here, you were with a Justin Bieber?"
Selena: "I was with 'a Justin Bieber?' "
Dave: "Yeah, you were with 'a Justin Bieber.' And is that -- that's not going on now."
Selena: "No, I'm single, yeah."
Dave: "You're fine."
Selena: "I'm so good."
Dave: "Good, yeah. I think you're fine. Now, the last time he was on, uh, he and I got into a conversation, and I -- he said something and then I said something, and then he said something and I said something, and I made him cry."
Selena: "Well, then that makes two of us."

What a heartless bitch. Even if you did get a surprise abortion, why would you rub that in your boyfriend's face? Wait, that's what happened right? Selena got an abortion, and then nine months later bought Justin a birthday cake with one candle on it to remind him that this was the day his first son was supposed to be born. That happened, right?

*35 Selena and Justin pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber leaving the BLC club in London (3/2)

After his meltdown during the week-long London leg of his world tour, Justin Bieber took a little side trip to Amsterdam before his concert in Portugal, and he really enjoyed himself, if you catch my drift. You could say he was feeling more relaxed than usual, hint hint. And it seemed like he was hungrier than norma--WEED. HE SMOKED A SHITLOAD OF WEED. From The Sun:

The pop scrotum was spotted in one of the city's coffee shops - and apparently he wasn't just sipping a latte. Surrounded by minders, he also dropped into a chip shop called the Chipsy King, where manager Amir Beaucaire said he ordered two portions of fries.

A source said: "Justin paid a very hush-hush visit to Amsterdam over the weekend. It had been a stressful week in the UK after showing up late for a gig and then having a run-in with a photographer. He needed to unwind. By the sounds of it, he should have been well relaxed by the time he left."

He left fans high and dry yesterday by cancelling a show in Portuguese capital Lisbon - blaming "unforeseen circumstances."

Uh, how can there be "unforeseen circumstances" when I already called for a toe tag on Bieber's career? It's over and Justin knows it. Girly-boy Justin is dangerously close to being Chris Brownish, both in demeanor and appearance (well, maybe a photo negative of Chris), which tells me that he's trying to take control of his free-fall back to obscurity. Sorry, kid, but there's no pulling out of this one. Unless you hook up with Selena Gomez again and pummel her to within an inch of her life, get used to future casino appearances in the northern territories.

*15 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber arriving back at his hotel in London (2/28)

Justin Bieber made an astounding $6,200/hour last year, which still isn't enough to buy the physique of an adult man. From Parade:

It's no surprise that celebrities make a whole lot more than the Average Joe and Jane. But how much more? According to Parade's "What People Earn" issue, a lot more. Justin Bieber pulled in a staggering $55 million in 2012. The sum includes album sales, touring and two women's fragrances. This means the teen superstar made $6,261 an hour last year.

You know what? I'm gonna be OK. Last year, the old me would have become so enraged by Justin's success that I would have punched an old lady in the throat. Today? Not so much. Thanks to groups like One Direction, Justin's time in the sun is just about over -- and he knows it. Haven't you noticed the uptick in JB freak-out stories? I sure have. The little kid is panicking because 13-year-old girls aren't defending his lack of talent or furiously masturbating to him with the same fervor anymore. I hope Justin saved his money, because I have a feeling that he's only one bad concert tour and resulting coke addiction away from punching a time card at a Toronto fish cannery.

*10 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber leaving his hotel in London (3/8)

A paparazzo in London narrowly escaped with his life this morning after provoking Justin "Lights Out" Bieber in much the same way you'd poke a caged bear with a stick . . . only this bear was in no cage, my friends. This bear was in no cage. From TMZ:

Bieber -- flanked by bodyguards -- was leaving the Central London hotel moments ago and in the mad scramble to his SUV, he made contact with a waiting photog. The photog -- clearly upset by the physical contact -- immediately claimed he was assaulted and began to cuss out Bieber, who was already inside the waiting SUV.

But Bieber clearly heard the photog's insults ("fuck off back to America", "fucking little moron") 'cause the singer opened his SUV door and sprung out of the car trying to attack the photog. While Bieber's bodyguard held him back, the singer screamed, "What the fuck you say?" The photog shot back -- "You heard what I said ... you heard what I fucking said, mate." Bieber replied, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you."

Justin tried to swing at the photog, but his bouncers kept the singer at bay and eventually pushed him back inside the SUV.

This paparazzo doesn't know how lucky he is that Justin's bodyguard stepped in. I heard that, after he wakes up every morning, Justin has one of his bodyguards punch him in the face because the taste of blood sends a rush of adrenaline through his body that fuels him for the day. You just don't fuck with maniacs like that.

*15 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber shopping at Acne Studios in London (2/25)

Justin Bieber went shopping in London yesterday wearing a gas mask. Because what better city to walk around wearing a gas mask in than one with an extensive history of terrorist attacks. It's not like a policeman might mistake him for an Al Qaeda operative and shoot him in the head or something . . . on second thought, Justin, that mask is looking super fashionable!

*25 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber leaving BLC nightclub in London (2/19)

Wow, tough break for this kid. But I'm sure if he continues to work hard, things will start to turn around for him. From the Daily Mail:

Justin was turned away from a Manchester (UK) nightclub on Thursday. Following his gig at the Manchester Arena, the teenager was hoping to unwind with a spot of partying at house club Sankeys. However, it appeared his penchant for "shuffling" - a type of dance move popularised by LMFAO - means the teenybopper wouldn't fit in in a venue full of serious clubbers. When he turned up to the club in the Northern Quarter, management told him he couldn't enter.

A statement on the venue's Twitter page read: "Yes the rumours are true, we turned Justin Bieber away. He shuffles on stage and we can't be having that in Sankeys now can we."

Once again, our friends in Great Britain are untangling the web of bullshit the world, specifically Canada, has been spinning for years. England was way ahead of the curb on the fact that Hitler was a tool, and they totally nailed the awesomeness of the Spice Girls -- now those peasants are hitting a bullseye with this Justin Bieber nonsense. Last week, Justin was a shirtless, bird-chested-pussy riding Segways into nightclubs. Today he's a shirtless, bird-chested-pussy NOT riding Segways into nightclubs. Great job, UK, now if you can just take back Russell Brand, we can forget all about how you guys polluted our pristine Boston Harbor with your shitty Earl Grey tea.

*11 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber and Rihanna at the Laker's game in 2011

Life & Style claims that the reason Selena Gomez dumped Justin Bieber is because she found out that he cheated on her with Rihanna after meeting and flirting with her at a Lakers game in 2011 (above). Considering that Rihanna will bang pretty much anyone -- including a guy who almost beat her to death -- this really doesn't seem like much of a stretch. A friend of Selena told the mag:

"It has devastated [Selena], It really cut like a knife because it happened in February of 2011, when Selena and Justin had been dating for months and were falling in love. It's caused Selena to question their entire relationship ... Selena thinks maybe they've been hooking up all along."

An insider reveals that [Bieber and Rihanna] spent time together in NYC while taping the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in November 2012. "During breaks, they'd sneak away to the Hotel Giraffe," the source tells Life & Style. "They were alone -- their security made sure of it. Hotel staff blocked off the entire floor for them."

Wait, what? A former Disney star is upset with an Aaron Carter clone because he's banging the perpetually-abused partner of a closeted R&B singer? Throw in a homemade meth lab and alligator boots and this could be your standard drunken Floridian hillbilly Facebook rant. If you guys could only see my crotch right now, you'd know how excited I am over this particular news. All this drama is doing is greasing the way for that Selena Gomez Playboy spread that's now only about two years away. "From America's Sweetheart to America's Slut: Selena Gomez Like You've Never Seen Her Before!" . . . ten bucks she goes full bush.

*20 Justin Bieber and Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Bieber grabs fan's boob

Oh wait, that's not Selena Gomez. That's a random (underage?) fan Justin Bieber decided to grope yesterday during a meet-and-greet in Miami (more like meat-and-greet, amiright!). That's right ladies and gentleman, we now have photographic evidence that Justin Bieber has made it to second base. After seeing this, I'm sure it'll only be a matter of time before he's burying his first hooker. Kids grow up so fast these days. *wipes away tear*
 

Justin Bieber in Miami (1/28)

Honest question: Has Justin Bieber ever lifted something heavier than 10 pounds in his life, or does he get his people to do it for him? How is it physically possible that an 18-year-old has the muscle definition of an 8-year-old? It's like he has reverse Benjamin Button disease.

*20 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Selena Gomez leaving a friend's house in Studio City (1/22)

The new issue of Star claims that the reason for Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez's final breakup last month was Justin's insatiable's appetite for sex . . . with girls not named Selena Gomez. Yep, my girlfriend almost broke up with me last month for the exact same reason . . . even though I tried to tell her that my wife will get suspicious if I suddenly stop having sex with her. From the mag:

Justin Bieber's debauchery-filled evening in Los Angeles -- in which, in a stoned haze, he engaged in sexual activity with a 22-year-old nursing student -- was the last straw in his 2-year relationship with Selena Gomez, sources tell the new issue of Star. On December 21, an insider tells the magazine, the 18-year-old pop star joined rapper Lil Twist and nursing student Milyn "Mimi" Jenson around 6 p.m at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons.

"They all went to buy weed at a smoke shop on Olympic Blvd. in Hollywood," the insider said, "then they got food at McDonald's and went back to the hotel ... Justin surprised her by saying, 'I want to know if you taste good.' He started kissing her cheek and ear and neck and then her whole body," the insider said. Then, the Biebs removed Mimi's clothes and engaged in sexual activity with her.

Justin, who stayed clothed the entire time, ended things quickly after the marathon session, despite Mimi's hopes he'd take things further.

So a stoned Justin Bieber asked this chick what she tastes like and then went down on her, getting nothing in return. There's only one possible explanation for this: Justin Bieber has a smooth lump in place of genitals, much like a Ken doll.

*10 Selena Gomez pictures total in the gallery: