Julia Roberts in Hawaii (8/16)
This post is going to be a good test for my servers. I wouldn't be surprised if every single one of you click on all 25 pictures in this post. Twice. Because Julia Roberts is so beautiful, you see. It's true -- the media keeps telling us over and over again. Despite the fact that her body reminds me a lot of an amoeba, there's Julia eleven times on People's "50 Most Beautiful People" list. Tied with Halle Berry. Yes, that Halle Berry. The hot one. Who's two years older and still looks like this in a bikini. I swear to god if someone from People was here right now, I'd punch them in the face. Or at least give them a really mean look.
*25 Julia Roberts pictures total in the gallery:
Julia Roberts at the premire of Jesus Henry Christ at the Tribeca Film Festival (4/23)
Julia Roberts might actually be the devil. She's currently fighting with her half-sister Nancy because Nancy likes food too much and has gotten fat. I don't get it? Why doesn't Nancy just hire a personal trainer to whip her into shape and a live-in gourmet chef to cook her healthy meals using only the freshest ingredients? Oh yeah, that's right, because she's not Julia Roberts. A source told the National Enquirer:
"Julia's made no secret of the fact that she's not happy that Nancy's gotten heavy. She thinks it's humiliating for her and the entire family. Julia has asked Nancy point-blank, 'Who's going to keep an eye on [our mom Betty] if you get sick?'"What a self-centered egotistical bitch. Julia is so full of herself that she thinks someone else's weight reflects badly on her? Get over yourself Julia. No one is going to judge you based on the size of your family members. They're going to judge you based on the fact that you are a heartless c-u-next-tuesday. Besides, I'm sure Julia's sister would rather have to pay for two seats on Southwest than be the spokeswoman for Schick razors:
Tensions between the "Pretty Women" star and her sister came to a head at Nancy's birthday party last month at Betty's home in Los Angeles' wealthy Pacific Palisades area: "Julia was rolling her eyes and making cutting comments about Nancy's weight behind her back - whispering to partygoers, 'can you believe how big she's gotten?' When Nancy got wind of what Julia was saying, she confronted her, telling her to shut up and leave her alone. Julia shot back, 'Well, I wouldn't have to if you had enough self-respect to lose some weight!' At that point, Nancy told Julia to 'go (bleep) herself' - thus ruining the party."
The two women have not spoken since, and Nancy was noticeably absent from Julia"s 4-year-old son Henry's early birthday celebration at her Malibu home in June.
*14 Julia Roberts pictures total in the gallery:
Julia Roberts is a complete lunatic
Julia Roberts went crazy earlier this week after a paparazzo pulled down his pants and started vigorously masturbating right in front of her. Oh no, that's actually not what happened at all. He was just taking pictures of her. In public. Because that's what happens when you're famous. People take pictures of you. Settle down you lunatic.
Julia Roberts is famous or something
I could stick a ball gag in my mouth and a gerbil up my ass and it still wouldn't be as gay as this next story. From the New York Post:
Julia Roberts caused quite a stir at the self-service Yogurt Stop in West Hollywood on Sunday afternoon. When she walked in alone, witnesses said, everyone was awestruck, silently gaping as she selected the mango flavor. "The second she left, a man burst into tears and then bought mango just like Julia had," said a source. "Then he fished her napkin out of the trash."Can you believe this guy got that excited over one of Julia Robert's used napkins . . . that wasn't of the sanitary variety?* The truth is, if this guy had really wanted to get close to a celebrity's discarded garbage, he could have saved himself some time by just renting Tooth Fairy. Hopefully Julia's learned a valuable lesson from this whole ordeal:
*I'd like to offer a preemptive apology for this joke. But if you'd still like to send in some hate mail (perhaps you could call me a worthless fat fuck bastard?), you can reach me at email@example.com.
America's sweetheart no more
Julia Roberts dropped F-bombs and talked tits and ass during a speech honoring Tom Hanks at the "Film Society of Lincoln Center" event in New York last night. From Us Weekly:
"Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee," she began. "So Tom, everybody fucking likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson, Hanks' wife], and her tits were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"The clip above is of the last half of the speech. But I must warn you before you watch it, it's a little unsettling hearing Julia Roberts cuss like a sailor. It's not really what you expect of her. It'd be like hearing Jessica Simpson recite Shakespeare. Or Mariah Carey form a complete sentence without using the words "me" or "I."
She then went on to say she's seen most of Hanks' films except That Thing (You Do). I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about!" Of 2004's The Terminal, she cracked, "You in the airport with the accent? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist!"