Archive: Josh Hartnett

Josh Hartnett has a sex tape

. . . and he doesn’t even know it. Hartnett got down and dirty recently with a “female friend” in what he thought was a secluded area of a New York hotel — and it was all caught by a security camera. A hotel employee told the Daily Mail:

“Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy. Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place — the library included . . . [as several members of the hotel staff huddled around the monitor] no one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.” (Source)

In 1998, this story would have been HUGE. In 2008, it’s bird cage flooring for my Cockatoo. And since when do hotels have libraries? Germ infested hot-tubs, dank elevators, and fungus riddled showers I can believe . . . but a library? It’s almost as if Josh’s attention seeking publicist wasn’t even trying to suspend disbelief. A more likely story of Josh, sexual deviance, and hotel rooms: he was caught jerking it at the YMCA where he now resides.

[WENN]

INFDaily.com

Scarlett Johansson is pissed at ex-boyfriend Josh Hartnett. The pair dated for two years before breaking up under less than amicable terms at the end of 2006. Now Scarlett thinks Josh is trying to hook up with her friends as payback. From the National Enquirer:

Furious Scarlett’s telling insiders Josh “is just trying to get back at her for breaking up with him!” A mutual pal says unrepentant Josh rages that dating Scarlett “took five years off his life” because of her demanding, controlling ways – and he “doesn’t feel beholden to spare her feelings” if he happens to feel like phoning one of her friends. (Source)

I wouldn’t mind dating a “demanding” and “controlling” Scarlett Johansson. She could wear the leather, I could wear the nipple clamps … or vice versa. As a matter of fact, she’s so fine, I wouldn’t care HOW strange/weird that chick was, I’d still date her. About the only thing that could come between us is if she had a bigger package than I did … and I’d probably get over that eventually!

Josh Hartnett is probably banging Penelope Cruz. The two were spotted at the Little Door restaurant in Los Angeles acting like a couple of high-schoolers. A source told the New York Daily News:

“They were touchy-feely all night, holding hands and kissing.” (Source)

Just because Josh and Penelope were all “touchy-feely” doesn’t mean they’re a couple. My fourth grade teacher used to get all “touchy-feely” with me and I definitely didn’t consider her to be my girlfriend. And the jury didn’t either, using terms like “predator” and “child-rapist.” I swear, juries can be so dramatic sometimes!

Remember the story I recounted last week about Josh Hartnett being a hero because he stopped a guy from harassing a woman outside a New York bar? Turns out it was total bullshit. After the New York Post called Josh a “stand-up citizen” for diffusing the fight, numerous patrons came forward to dispute the Post’s version of events. According to one of the witnesses at the Whiskey Ward bar, trouble started around 2 a.m.:

“Hartnett was with a group of very aggressive guys and two girls. One of the girls in his group claimed a guy in the bar pushed her, and Josh’s friends started getting really heated.” (Source)

Though Josh supposedly played a role in “cooling down” his friends, the shit hit the fan outside of the bar at 4 a.m.:

“At about 4:15, a group of guys jumped [a fellow patron],” said a female witness to the incident. “They threw him to ground and kicked him. And Josh was just standing by and watching,” said the observer, who recounts that the whole fight lasted about four or five minutes.

Great, now what am I supposed to do with this neat collage I spent the entire weekend making for Josh? Oh well, my loss can be your gain. If any of you guys know someone that might be interested in a collage made entirely of lifesavers that says “Josh is a Hero” call me. But you have to promise you won’t make fun of me for dotting the ‘i’ with a heart. It’s not as gay as it sounds.*

*Yes it is

Is Josh Hartnett a hero? No, of course not. Why would you even ask such a stupid question? At most he’s a “stand-up citizen.” At least that’s what the New York Post called him for coming to aid of a women outside New York’s Whiskey Ward bar at 4am the other night. According to a source:

“[Josh] stopped a guy from harassing a woman. He was just helping her out. No punches were thrown - there were just some raised voices on the corner.” (Source)

So basically a drunk Josh Harnett told a guy to stop yelling at a hooker (c’mon it was 4am). And this was deemed newsworthy by a major New York publication. Yet this video clip of my kitten trapped in a pillowcase couldn’t even crack my local cable access news. You don’t understand, it’s a kitten trapped in a pillowcase, IT’S FREAKING CUTE.

Josh Hartnett is finally opening up about his painful breakup with former girlfriend Scarlett Johansson. Hartnett told UK newspaper The Daily Mirror that the year-long relationship was incredibly difficult because of the two actors’ travel schedules and at the end of the day “we’re just ordinary people and it didn’t work.” A source close to the couple said Josh took the breakup especially hard, feeling “gutted” over the break up:

“Scarlett was very much a one-off. She was independent, feisty and outgoing - everything he wanted,” the source said.

Hartnett will have plenty to keep his mind off the break up to Johansson. His latest initiative has seen him become the face of an awareness campaign over climate change, and will soon meet with prime minister Tony Blair over global warming issues.

Who cares about how he feels about Johansson, check out the last line of the story. Josh Hartnett is meeting with Tony Blair to discuss global warming. Let me repeat that. The dude that was in Halloween H20 is meeting with the British Prime Minister to discuss global warming. And no Josh, telling Tony Blair about that time your fudgesicle melted because you left it on the sidewalk does not count as “evidence” of global warming. Neither does that “really neat” picture you sketched of the polar bear wearing sunglasses.

Source

Josh Harnett might be back together with Scarlett Johansson. Last month The New York Post reported that the two had split due to conflicting schedules (other gossip columnists–myself for example–think Josh’s small penis was the primary catalyst for the breakup). Anyways, last week the two were seen at a New York restaurant together:

The comely couple was spotted Friday night reigniting their relationship at TriBeCa restaurant Cercle Rouge. “They had a meal and got progressively cozier as the night went on,” said our spy. “Then they started to make out in full view of the restaurant at their table and didn’t really care who saw.”

Making out inside a restaurant is the best! There’s romance, and then there’s swapping little bits of food from a just-finished meal with your significant other. How can roses and candlelit dinners possibly compete?

I could go on about how Josh and Scarlett are only publicly making out to get their names in the tabloid, but in the spirit of the Christmas season, I’m giving the two of them a pass–only because Josh looks like this Cabbage Patch Kid I used to dry hump.