Jordan Bratman

Christina Aguilera leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills (1/27)

Something finally went right for Christina Aguilera. Her and estranged-husband Jordan Bratman -- who awkwardly wouldn't move out of the couple's house after they split up -- have finally reached a divorce settlement. From E!:

So, who gets what? Well, the latest round of paperwork doesn't break down their assets, per se, but Bratman filed a noncombative response to Aguilera's divorce petition on Feb. 8 stating that their financial situation has been "resolved by signed agreement."

Presumably the issues resolved include Bratman's initial refusal to move out of their house, even though Aguilera's new beau, Matt Rutler, has been spending quite a bit of time there, as well.

It's probably for the best, for all parties involved, that Jordan moved out. Living with a girlfriend or wife after you break up can get pretty awkward -- especially when she doesn't know you're living with her. "Hey babe, can you turn the heat up? I'm freezing my fucking balls off in this attic!"

*10 Christina Aguilera pictures total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman leaving Spago in Beverly Hills (8/7)

So I guess Christina Aguilera's estranged husband Jordan Bratman is in denial and refusing to leave the couple's house. Can't she spray him with a hose or something? From TMZ:

It's hard enough getting a bad tenant out of an apartment. So just imagine Christina Aguilera's dilemma -- her hubby is still living in the family home with no plan to move and it's really awkward ... sources tell TMZ.

As TMZ first reported, Aguilera filed for divorce from Jordan Bratman last week after nearly five years of marriage. But despite the fact they've been separated since September 11, neither has moved out of their Bev Hills home.

Our sources say it's so uncomfortable for Christina, she's been staying in a hotel.

So Christina has to live in one wing of her 50,000 square foot Beverly Hills compound while Jordan lives in the other? What a terrible disaster! On the bright side, at least now she knows how all those Hurricane Katrina victims felt. It's good for these multimillionaire celebs to get a dose of reality every now and then. Helps them stay grounded. The reality is that if Christina really wants to get rid of her ex-husband, she just needs to do the one thing Jennifer Aniston always does to make her man leave: tell him "he's the one."

*15 Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman pictures total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera boarding a private jet in Oahu (10/18)

This Christina Aguilera/Jordan Bratman divorce is going really well . . . if your idea of "well" is leaking a story that implies your estranged husband beat you up. Take it away Radar:

Christina Aguilera made a late-night trip to a Los Angeles hospital in the days leading up to her divorce from husband Jordan Bratman.

"Christina was bleeding from her mouth and had a bit of a busted lip," a source, who saw the couple at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, said. "Jordan told the nurses she had fallen down."

Adding to the mystery of why the singer needed treatment, on October 12, she was photographed wearing a hat pulled down over her face with what appears to be a small cut below her lower lip. That is the same day that she and Bratman announced the end of their five-year marriage, citing "irreconcilable differences."

You can check out the pics they're talking about here and here. I don't know if I buy it -- I guess I expect a girl who just got beaten up by her husband to look more, oh I don't know, beaten up. Maybe Jordan's heart wasn't in it. Maybe he hesitated before he punched her and wasn't really able to get a good shot in. He needs to have a talk with Chris Brown. You can fault that dude for a lot of things but you can't tell me he wasn't 100% committed to whooping Rihanna's ass.

Not one to be left out on the mudslinging, Jordan may be behind the rumors that Christina swings for the other team -- and I don't mean in her Tuesday night rec softball league. Take it away Chicago Sun Times:

A source from the singer's camp says the superstar is "very incensed" by the leak of stories of alleged lesbian flings during the years Aguilera and Bratman have been married.

"Christina thought everything was going to stay on the high road, to make this as painless for [the couple's son] Max as possible. But now it looks like the gloves are coming off."

According to the source, Aguilera believes Bratman's friends are behind the leaks -- including the RadarOnline report of an Aguilera bodyguard approaching a woman in a bar to indicate the singer was interested in her sexually.

Christina wanted to make this divorce as painless as possible for her son? He's still an infant -- what does he care if his mom is a lesbian? If she is gay, that'll just mean mother and son have something in common: they both like sucking on tits. Besides, has this kid seen who his father is? Finding out his mom is banging other women can't be nearly as embarrassing as being seen with that dude.

*15 Christina Aguilera pictures total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie leaving Voyeur nightclub in West Hollywood (7/22)

Jordan Bratman was living the idyllic life: a famous wife, an awesome house, fast cars, and more money than he could ever spend. And then those homewreckers Nicole Richie and Sam Ronson had to go and mess everything up. From the Chicago Sun Times:

There's been a lot of buzz the past couple of days about Christina Aguilera's  attending a "wild party" vacation with galpals in Cabo San Lucas -- reported as the "last straw" that led to Xtina splitting with hubby Jordan Bratman.

Not true, says an Aguilera insider who was on the scene in the Baja California resort.

According to my source -- who has a history of accuracy -- it was more about Aguilera's long chats in Mexico with girlfriends Nicole Richie, Samantha Ronson and others -- leading her to realize her marriage might be beyond repair.

Aguilera reportedly spent a great deal of time being consoled by her friends and told in pretty blunt terms about what was clearly missing from her relationship with Bratman, long her musical producer as well.

Obviously Sam Ronson (aka Lindsay Lohan's ex) would think Christina's relationship with Jordan wasn't going well -- he has the one thing she never wants her lovers to have: a penis a job. Of course, when it comes to advice on men, listening to Nicole and Sam probably isn't the best idea. Sure they've both stuck their fists into an animal all they way up to their elbows (see here), but that doesn't make someone an expert on relationships. That makes them a puppeteer.

*10 Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie pictures total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera files for divorce

Christina Aguilera officially filed for divorce from husband Jordan Bratman today. The singer cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split, but only because "I blew the pool boy" wasn't an option on the form. From TMZ:

According to the divorce docs, there is a prenup.  The divorce petition asks that "Earnings and accumulations of [Aguilera] before marriage, during marriage and from and after the date of separation" be considered separate property. The petition also seeks to terminate Bratman's ability to get spousal support.

Sources connected with the couple tell TMZ the marriage fell apart after Aguilera allegedly cheated on Bratman. Aguilera's side refused comment.

The source adds that they know Jordan never cheated on Christina because, well, he looks like that. OK, I made that up. But admit it, you were totally thinking it.

*5 Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman pictures total in the gallery:

The extremely happy couple together

Us Weekly is reporting that Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman have split up after 5 years of marriage. Husband? I thought that dude was her gay assistant. How the hell did he pull that off? From Us:

Christina Aguilera and her husband, music executive Jordan Bratman, “have been separated for a few months,” a source close to Aguilera tells Us Weekly. Although Aguilera and Bratman have not yet decided whether to divorce, the source reveals “they are now living apart, and they will see how that goes.”

Explains the source: “They were very much in love. But over the last six months, it became clear they were more like friends than husband and wife.” But Aguilera and Bratman remain united in their commitment to son Max, 2. “He is their main concern,” says the insider.

I'm not going to pretend I know why these two split up, but the bank where Jordan was keeping his safety deposit box full of candid photos of Christina engaged in illicit sexual acts with various underage farm animals *did* burn down yesterday. Seems like Jordan lost his leverage in this marriage.

*10 Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman pictures total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman shopping for a new Ferrari in West Hollwyood (7/31)

I don't want live in a world where a guy who looks like Hans Klopek from The 'Burbs gets to go Ferrari shopping with his insanely rich and famous wife. Mom, don't forget to feed my dog.

*jumps off bridge*

*22 photos total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman leaving La Scala restaurant in Beverly Hills (12/21)

I swear, if these two were any more lovey-dovey in public, you'd have to spray them with a fire hose.

UNSARCASTIC NOTE: That is Christina's husband and not her parole officer, right? She could have fooled me.