Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman are lame
Christina Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman wore matching outfits last night to her birthday party at Osteria Mozza restaurant in Los Angeles. See Christina's fancy hat? You'll never guess what she has hidden underneath it. HINT: Jordan's balls. Ta da!
UPDATE: I don't care if it's a costume, they're still lame
[Flynet]
Christina Aguilera wants another baby
If Christina Aguilera's husband plays his cards right, he may get to have sex with her a second time. From People:
Her first child, son Max, is just 9 months old, but Christina Aguilera is already thinking about baby No. 2. "Absolutely, we'll definitely have more kids," she told PEOPLE at the Africa Rising concert in London Tuesday. How many? "I don't know. We'll play it by ear." (Source)
In regards to having more kids, Christina wants to "play it by ear"? Now there's an appropriate choice of words! Considering the fact that she practically married Dumbo's twin, the Freudian side of me assumes she's channeling some sort of deep seeded pinna fetish. Then again, her infatuation towards men with huge ears could just mean she wants what every woman wants: A man that really listens.
"Five. I've blacked out five straight nights."
In the future Christina, can you give me a heads up before you talk about having sex with your husband. Thanks. Via the New York Post:
Playtime isn't just for the baby in Christina Aguilera's house. The sultry singer told Glamour that she and husband Jordan Bratman "make sure we have Mommy and Daddy nights out."
"where I get absolutely FUCKED UP . . ."
She added, "Our child comes first, obviously, but there are certain things you can do: Once we know he's in good hands, we go out late at night and have a few drinks. Then we'll come home, dim the lights and do our thing . . . and I'm not going into any more detail than that." (Source)
Is anyone else surprised that before Christina and her husband get it on she has to "have a few drinks" and "dim the lights"? Now I'm not suggesting Jordan is unattractive, but using his photo for torture was just banned by Congress.
[WENN]
This morning's New York Post has an update on the Christina Aguilera pregnancy rumors:
Rumors that Christina Aguilera is expecting a baby "are definitely true," according to a well-placed Page Six source. "She's been telling friends," said one snitch, who revealed, "she has to be three months now, because she's announcing it." This would be the first for Aguilera and her husband, Jordan Bratman. (Source)
Now I know the trendy thing to do lately has been to bash Jordan's looks. I mean it doesn't take much talent or imagination to say this dude's ugly ... which is exactly why I'm gonna bash his looks in this post (trends rule!). Can you imagine what this baby is going to look like? It'll be a cross between Dumbo (Bratman's ears) and the Petri dish in High School Biology class that you used to grow spores and yeast in (Christina's vagina). Doctors won't know whether to vaccinate it for Herpes or feed it peanuts. Or, ya know, it just could turn out totally normal.
Christina Aguilera pregnancy rumors are heating up again after the pop star was seen last week at New York's Maternal Fetal Medicine Association, a practice known for their "expertise in high-risk pregnancies and state-of-the-art ultrasounds." "High-risk" is right because the way I see it Christina's pregnancy has two possible outcomes: either the obstetrician's gonna breath a huge sigh of release because the baby inherited his mom's looks *or* the baby's gonna pop out and all the nurses in the delivery room are gonna start screaming "Aiiiyyyyy" while doing the sign of the cross.
You know how it's often said that if you want to know what your wife will look like in 20 years just look at her mom? Well ... Jordan Bratman is so screwed.
I know, I know. I'm a dick.
If an employee of Beverly Hills kids' boutique Bellini is to be believed, Christina Aguilera is pregnant. The clerk said she and husband Jordan Bratman came in over the weekend and spent over $3k on baby merchandise. While Christina was shopping, the clerk overheard her telling another customer how excited she was to be having a baby:
"[Bratman] sat in one of the big chairs and let her do her shopping. They said they don't know what they're having. She was talking to [another customer] and she said she took a home pregnancy test and that it was positive. She kept saying they'd have to come back when they knew the sex of the baby." (Source)
Aguilera's spokesman is refuting the claim:
"She said it is not true and she wasn't in Bellini. She was on a plane to Las Vegas for the NBA appearance."
Haven't they carried on with the charade long enough? Jordan Bratman is not married to Christina Aguilera. He's the pool boy, right? The two of them are probably just really good friends playing a huge prank on all of us. Even if you did believe they were married, there's no way in hell he's banging her. Have you ever tried sticking two positively charged magnets together? It's impossible. Well the same thing happens with Jordan’s penis when it comes within ten feet of a woman. Nature has a way of correcting things. And no Jordan, sitting in the corner at 3 a.m. silently masturbating while you watch Christina sleep does not count as "sex." Foreplay maybe.
You know I couldn't bring you this story without some sexy pics of Christina. After the jump...
According to Life & Style Weekly, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman's 13-month marriage may be in trouble. The two married in 2005 after dating since late 2002. A source revealed to Life & Style:
"The couple has been seen partying sans wedding rings. On December 6, Christina left Hotel Plaza Athenee in Paris without her ring, she looked upset. Over the course of three nights, Jordon did the club scene with friends- also without his ring. He was looking sad and distressed."
Regarding her marriage with Bratman, Christina told the Irish Examiner three weeks ago:
"I think it is hard. You are surprised and disappointed by certain things in your first year. I think the biggest misconception is that everything is going to be perfect and nothing will go wrong."
Surprised? You mean like finding out you married a guy who's basically an uglier version of that dude from The 'Burbs (contrasted nicely above). Seriously, if I looked like this guy, I'd have to talk my hand into masturbating. And my hand is a damn slut.
