John Travolta

John Travolta and Kelly Preston at the G'Day USA Black Tie Gala in L.A. (1/13)

"Since you haven't had a gay masseuse accuse you of sucking him off in at least a month, I'll let you put your hand around me tonight."

*20 John Travolta and Kelly Preston pictures total in the gallery:

John Travolta and Kelly Preston out and about in Paris (9/10)

So John Travolta was in Paris yesterday with his wife Kelly Preston, and guy just couldn't keep his hands off of her. Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't just stop and have sex with her right on the sidewalk. He oozes that much heterosexuality. Hope he doesn't steal my girlfriend!

*25 John Travolta pictures total in the gallery:

John Travolta arriving at his hotel in New York (6/27)

Pictured is John Travolta coming out of an SUV and arriving at his hotel in New York on Wednesday. Oh, you thought I meant something different?

*20 John Travolta pictures total in the gallery:

Get a room, you two!

PICTURED: John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston at the premiere of Savages last night in Westwood.

NOT PICTURED: An erection, or even a remote semblance of one.

*25 John Travolta pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, April 26

John Travolta (and his wife Kelly Preston) leaving Barbra Streisand's 70th birthday party at Taverna Tony's in Malibu (pics start here)

Ryan Reynolds riding his motorcycle in L.A. (pics start here)

Kristin Cavallari out and about in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Elizabeth Banks leaving Madeo restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Calista Flockhart leaving Williams-Sonoma in Santa Monica (pics start here)

Actress Korrina Rico leaving The Ivy restaurant in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Mila Kunis leaving the gym in L.A. (pics start here)

Christy Turlington out and about in New York (pics start here)

Selena Gomez leaving Ca' Del Sole restaurant in Toluca Lake (pics start here)

Rooney Mara filming The Bitter Pill in Central Park, New York (pics start here)

Justin Bieber arriving at the Royal Garden Hotel in London (pics start here)

Camila Alves leaving Duane Reade pharmacy in New York (pics start here)

Helen Mirren leaving Madeo restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

*119 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

John Travolta is wigless

John Travolta was photographed without his trademark wig yesterday outside his beachfront home in Hawaii. Finally. Look, everyone knows this dude's bald. That dead animal he's been wearing on top of his head for the last 20 years wasn't fooling anybody. He was just embarrassing himself and no one wants to do that. It's why I finally got rid of all my baggy shirts. Everyone in Hollywood knows I have huge arms, but for some reason I used to be really shy about showing them off.

John Travolta at the Breitling Flagship Boutique opening in New York (1/13)

"And then Tom was like, 'C'mon you fat pussy, I know you can squeeze that whole fist in there.' "

*10 John Travolta pictures total in the gallery:

John Travolta in L.A. (3/2)

An explanation of this John Travolta photo, from good, to bad, to worse:

Good: Leaving the dressing room at Banana Republic.

Bad: Leaving the dressing room at Victoria's Secret.

Worse: Leaving the dressing room in Tom Cruise's master bedroom.

John Travolta at the French premiere of From Paris With Love in Paris (2/9)

What's John Travolta's secret to such thick, rich hair at the age of 55? He'll never tell! Just kidding. The secret is about $25,000. Or maybe less. Do hair plug clinics accept coupons?

John Travolta at the G'Day USA 2010 Black Tie Gala held at the Hollywood & Highland Center (1/16)

Instead of hitting "Send" on his cell phone to donate $10 and then forgetting about it, John Travolta is taking a hand-on approach to Haitian relief efforts. From the San Francisco Chronicle:

The 55-year-old actor and avid pilot [flew] one of his private jets from Florida to Haiti on Monday night, according to Travolta's spokesman, Paul Bloch. The "Pulp Fiction" star will be joined by his actress-wife Kelly Preston, several doctors and Church of Scientology ministers, as well as relief supplies. Travolta and Preston will then return to the U.S.

Did you catch that? " . . . and Church of Scientology ministers." John flew in a bunch of Scientology stormtroopers. And they're doing more than just hand out food and water. They're doing their freaky Scientology stuff. From Breitbart:

Amid the mass of aid agencies piling in to help Haiti quake victims is a batch of Church of Scientology "volunteer ministers", claiming to use the power of touch to reconnect nervous systems.

Clad in yellow T-shirts emblazoned with the logo of the controversial US-based group, smiling volunteers fan out among the injured lying under makeshift shelters in the courtyard of Port-au-Prince's General Hospital.

"We're trained as volunteer ministers, we use a process called 'assist' to follow the nervous system to reconnect the main points, to bring back communication," she said. "When you get a sudden shock to a part of your body the energy gets stuck, so we re-establish communication within the body by touching people through their clothes, and asking people to feel the touch."

Why would Scientologists be interested in Haiti? It's a well documented fact that Haitians don't have the one thing the Church of Scientology is infatuated with: souls money. Of course, if it isn't already, it should soon be pretty obvious why the Church is sending in its ministers to such a ravaged part of the world: to perform medical exams conversions. "Never waste a good natural disaster." I think Jesus said that.