John Mayer

John Mayer is a dumbass

John Mayer is doing some backpedaling today after his unbelievably retarded Playboy interview hit the media yesterday. He tweeted:

Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I'm using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it's time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews... It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it's gotten out of hand and I've created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don't have the stomach for it. Again, because I don't want anyone to think I'm equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.

For someone who generally comes off as a pretty intelligent guy, what a fucking idiot. Isn't not dropping the N Bomb in casual conversation something that everyone learns in the first grade? Yes, I distinctly remember learning that midway through the year, right after I got a 99% on my "basic shapes" test. What kind of teacher puts a dodecahedron on a shapes test for 6-year-olds? What a fucking bitch.

John Mayer performing at BankAtlantic Center in Fort Lauderdale (2/4)

Of course he did. Why would I write that headline and then post an interview where he talks about puppies? I'm no asshole. Excerpt from John's interview with Playboy:

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

It's true, John Mayer actually does have a hood pass. And quite frankly, it's starting to get a little annoying. I swear, if I step foot into an inner city and hear some kid blasting "Your Body Is a Wonderland" from his stereo one more time . . .

Jessica Simpson at the premiere of Extraordinary Measures at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (1/19)

Remember how hot Jessica Simpson used to be? Well John Mayer was tapping that ass at the peak of its hotness. And as it turns out, it was sorta fun. Who knew? From Playboy's interview with Mayer (via Us Weekly):

He dubs 29-year-old Simpson (whom he dated from 2006 to 2007) "a drug."

"And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them," he says, adding, "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"

If Jessica was like crack to John back then, what's the new 50-pound fatter version like? Cherry cough syrup maybe? Sure it sounds good in theory. But then you actually taste it and it's sorta gross. And then it's waking you up in the middle of the night begging you to make a "quick run" to Taco Bell because she hasn't eaten in two hours even though you try to explain to her that that's completely normal because no one eats between the hours of 4 A.M. and 6 A.M.

John Mayer leaving the Hard Rock Cafe in London (1/11)

There might actually be something to this Taylor Swift/John Mayer story. On Tuesday, Hollywood Life revealed that the two were "definitely dating." And now In Touch Weekly is confirming that John is tapping that ass:

In Touch can exclusively reveal that John told a friend that he and Taylor hooked up when they were both in Nashville, Tenn., on January 24. According to a source, the couple met up several times, in public and private, and were first seen getting cozy in a recording studio. “She was sitting on John’s lap, her arms were around him, and she was talking in his ear,” says the source. “They were acting like teenagers.”

That night, John, 32, and Taylor, 20, dined at the restaurant Cabana and were joined by friends afterward. The couple left alone and went back to The Hermitage Hotel, where they arrived in the loading dock to avoid being spotted and were escorted to John’s suite, the source claims. Both of their reps deny the story. But the source claims, “Taylor spent the night and enjoyed mid-morning room service before leaving his suite the next day.”

Though the source says that Taylor “adores” John, it seems the womanizer is up to his old ways, involving yet another starlet in boosting his career. When asked by a friend how his night with Taylor went, John laughed, and boasted, “How do you think it went?”

We're probably reading too much into this story. Knowing Taylor, she probably went up to John's room to have a glass of warm milk, and then snuggled into her oversized pajamas and giggled about boys all night. Of course knowing John, what probably really happened was that he got Taylor plastered, told her that he she was "the one," and then convinced her that she'd still have her virginity if he just "put the tip in." Asshole.

Taylor Swift arriving to the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles (1/31)

John Mayer is reaching Paris Hilton-esque levels of sluttiness. If it moves, John has probably stuck his penis into it. The latest rumor is that he's nailing America's sweetheart Taylor Swift. From HollywoodLife:

"Taylor and John are absolutely more than 'just friends'", a source close to the 20-year-old Grammy winner tells HollywoodLife.com exclusively of her relationship with the 32-year-old crooner. "They aren’t ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ or anything as provincial as that, but they have taken their friendship to the next level."

Which would explain why we’ve been seeing these two together so much lately. After dining together in Nashville on Jan. 24, Taylor was caught sneaking into John’s Crossroads performance with Keith Urban on Jan. 26 in Franklin, Tenn.

John can't have sex with Taylor Swift. She's a symbol of everything that's right and pure about America. It's like having sex with a bald eagle.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson back on?

We finally managed to rid ourselves of the monster known as "Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson," and then John Mayer had to go and stick his nosy ass in and fuck everything up. Thanks a lot dick. From the New York Daily News:

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson may be getting back together - with the help of an unlikely friend. John Mayer was spotted playing relationship counselor to the exes when they ran into each other at NYC hot spot Butter on Monday night.

"Lindsay and Sam didn't arrive together," says a partygoer. "Lindsay walked in, and the two said a quick hello, but then Linds went to the table where John was sitting. Lindsay looked upset that Sam hadn't come over to her, and she started whispering to John, who looked like he was trying to calm her down. She looked pretty angry. Then John got up and went to talk to Sam."

We're not sure what he crooned to the famed deejay, but it must have been pretty convincing: Ronson got up with Mayer and went over to La Lohan just a few minutes later.

The source notes that after Mayer's intervention, the tumultuous twosome spent much of the night talking and laughing. La Lohan even ended the evening looking content - and (dare we say it?) stable.

"Lindsay seemed happier than she has in ages," the spy says. "Sam eventually got up and deejayed for a while, and Lindsay kept standing up and looking over to the deejay booth, smiling."

It'd be nice if John's intentions for these two were completely altruistic. However, knowing his sordid past with women, it's pretty obvious that he wasn't trying to reconcile the lovebirds -- he was trying to set up a threesome.* Besides, if Lindsay really wanted to get back together, she would have shown up to the club wearing something that would drive Sam wild: Michael Jackson's glove.

*I don't mean with Sam, I mean with Lindsay and the voice in her head

Rashida Jones at the 2009 ESPY Awards at the NOKIA Center in L.A. (7/15)

Is John Mayer banging actress Rashida Jones? Of course he is. Why wouldn't he be? What a ridiculous question to ask. From Hollyscoop:

John was spotted on a romantic date with actress Rashida Jones Friday night at the Chateau Marmont, Hollyscoop can confirm exclusively.

The couple was having dinner in a secluded area when John "took the guitar from someone who was performing and at the Chateau and performed an impromptu performance for Rashida."

His audience included Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. The crowd "went wild when he performed his new song," an eyewitness tells Hollyscoop exclusively. Mayer got such a great response from fellow diners, he even performed his hit "Your Body is a Wonderland" for Rashida.

Damn, that's pretty smooth singing serenading a girl with your hit song to convince her to go back to your place. I bet it works better that my normal line: "Let's wait until 11:15 or so to go back to my place. My mom usually watches Law & Order at 10."

NOTE: For those of you wondering, John's now banged 120 of Maxim's Hot 100. I don't know how that's possibly but he just has.

John Mayer, Cougar Hunter

John Mayer, Cougar Hunter . . . that has a nice ring to it. I could see NBC turning that into a series. Having already banged every famous member of Generation X, John Mayer is now trying to conquer the Baby Boomers. From the National Enquirer:

Notorious ladies' man John Mayer was at Hollywood's Roger Room on Oct. 2 hanging at the underground bar with a pal and two much older women. Although a few young blondes tried to get the singer's attention, he only had eyes for his "mature" date.

It's obvious why John finds older women to be more appealing. They're more mature, more experienced, and in many cases, wear exactly what he likes on a woman: a mustache. Besides, banging hot young chicks every night probably gets old after a while. Sometimes a guy just wants to be a true romantic and make passionate love to a woman that's gone through menopause . . . so he doesn't have to pull out.

Katy Perry out and about in New York (9/14)

Both Russell Brand and John Mayer hooked up with Katy Perry last weekend. For those of you keeping track at home, this now means the only famous chick John Mayer hasn't stuck his penis into yet is Blanche from The Golden Girls. From the New York Post:

Katy Perry kissed Russell Brand -- and she liked it. The MTV Video Music Awards host was spotted making out with Perry at Lady Gaga's after-party at Avenue -- after joking onstage that he had the hots for her.

The voracious womanizer was seen admiring Perry's cleavage before kissing her as they sat on a banquette. An onlooker at the Meatpacking District hot spot told Page Six, "They were sitting very close together, flirting and whispering to each other with their faces very close. Then Russell leaned in for a long kiss. It didn't look like this was the first time. He was looking extremely pleased with himself."

It was busy weekend for Perry: On Friday, a spy also caught the "I Kissed a Girl" singer locking lips with John Mayer at Gold Bar.

Katy Perry's chest, fame, chest, money, and chest should allow her to nail any guy on the planet. So why would she make out with Russell Brand? If Katy really wanted to hook up with someone as hairy as Jesus, she should have gone out with the 1999 version of Julia Roberts' armpit (disgusting pic HERE). Besides, making out with Russell is probably a lot like going down on a 70's porn star . . . there's lots of hair and the distinct taste of other men.

Jessica Simpson at the Ozlem Suer fashion show in Paris (9/4)

I don't know what took her so long but for the umpteenth god damn time, Jessica Simpson has gone crawling back to John Mayer. From In Touch Weekly:

. .  . an insider reveals that, in a state of desperation and loneliness, she’s been secretly hooking up with her ex John Mayer, who unceremoniously dumped her in 2007 after they dated for a year. “They’ve always had an amazing connection,” a business associate of Jessica’s tells In Touch. Ignoring her friends’ warnings that the notorious player will just use her and then break up with her again, Jessica has jumped headfirst into a relationship with the singer now that she and Tony, 29, split. “Jessica is kidding herself that her and John stand a chance,” says a source.

Celebslam presents: "A dramatic reenactment of Jessica Simpson and John Mayer's first meeting in two years"

John: "So, uh, you look, uh, different than the last time I saw you."

Jessica: "Oh thanks. I got my hair done the other day."

John: "That's not really what I -- Hey listen, do you want a sandwich or something? I can go make you one right now. I have a lot of food in the kitchen."

Jessica: "Nah."

John: "Some chili maybe?"

Jessica: "I'm not really hungry, but thanks for asking."

*awkward silence*

Jessica: "I like your place."

John: "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich?"