John Mayer

Carly Rae Jepsen at the premiere of Katy Perry's new film Part of Me at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (6/26)

Note to John Mayer: If you've had your eye on the "Call Me Maybe" chick (aka Carly Rae Jepsen), have I got some good news for you. You could totally hit that shit. From Contact Music:

Singer John Mayer made pop sensation Carly Rae Jepsen's year when he sent her a hand-written note to congratulate her on hitting the top of the charts. Justin Bieber's protege stormed onto the music scene earlier this year with the release of her smash hit Call Me Maybe.

She tells People magazine, "John Mayer sent a note in a little wooden box that said, 'Embrace and enjoy your first hit. There's more to come.' (Opening it) I was acting like a 12-year-old. He's a great songwriter - and not bad to look at!"

That damn John Mayer is one smooth operator, I'll give him that. The note was just filler, the wooden box is for the RU-486. He's so much of a Jedi Master when it comes to banging starlets that Johnny could have sent Carly Rae a box of his feces and she would probably power squat on his face. Me? Not so much, but my "rear naked choke until tap out" has nearly been perfected according to Chris Brown.

*23 Carly Rae Jepsen pictures total in the gallery:

John Mayer wants Eva Longoria

Continuing his quest to bang every warm thing in Hollywood, John Mayer -- in Discovery Channel terms -- wants to swoop in like a vulture and feast on the rotting, heartbroken corpse of Eva Longoria. From Rob Shuter at PopEater:

"John is crazy about Eva," a friend of the crooner tells me. "There is something about newly-divorced ladies that drives him nuts. He was the same way over Jessica [Simpson] when she left Nick [Lachey], and now he has his eye on Eva."

"No way is Eva thinking of another man right now," a friend of the actress tells me. "Mayer can send all the flowers in the world and even show up under her window with his guitar and it would make no difference. Eva wants some alone time. She is still heartbroken about her marriage falling apart."

The balls on this guy. Eva's been split up from Tony Parker for a little more than two weeks and already John's trying to weasel his way into her pants. Granted, chicks that have just gone through a messy break-up are usually the easiest and most fun in bed -- I believe the medical term is "insecure" -- but sometimes you just got to take it slow. For example, if John waits until NEXT week to go down on Eva, he'll probably *barely* be able to taste Tony.

*10 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Giada De Laurentiis in all her glory

OK, I admit it. Writing about this story is just an excuse to post these pics. Look how beautiful that ocean is. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Giada De Laurentiis is furious about the rumors she’s had an affair with John Mayer — which seem to have been floated after Mayer made some very graphic comments about how he thought the happily married Food Network star was “super hot.” The timing of these reports is even tougher for Giada, since she just lost her beloved grandfather, famed filmmaker Dino De Laurentiis.

After a loved one has recently passed, there's nothing like having some alone time to gather your thoughts defend your reputation in the national media against adultery rumors. The only way this week could have turned out worse for Giada is if it suddenly became uncool to have freaking awesome tits. Seriously, she has freaking awesome tits.

*11 Giada De Laurentiis bikini pictures total in the gallery:

John Mayer leaving Matsuhisa restaurant in Beverly Hills (8/17)

Normally a celeb losing their phone isn't really news. After all, who cares that Kirstie Alley has Domino's on speed dial. John Mayer is a different story. Whereas Kirstie Alley likes taking pictures of her cats with her iPhone, John prefers naked pics of whatever famous piece of ass he happens to wake up next to in the morning. Which is why him losing his phone is pretty awesome. From the National Enquirer:

Biggest fear for most celebs when they lose a cell phone is some strange-o accessing their VIP contacts and prank-calling A-list pals -- but the fallout would be much worse for Badboy John, who's made no bones about his skanky-panky with rich and famous females. Revealed a close friend: "He told me his cell contains personal photos -- and videos -- of some of the famous women he's dated." Shuddered My Spy: "John's just frantic over the missing phone. He hopes it's lying on the bottom of the Hudson River!" (Print Edition)

Half the chicks in Hollywood must be shitting bricks right now -- not because pictures of themselves naked might hit the Internets, but because they'll be exposed for actually hooking up with John Mayer. The only thing more demeaning to a woman than sleeping with that guy is appearing on an episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Let's just hope for John's sake that he did what most guys do when they take naked pictures of chicks with their phones: immediately delete them sent them to his friends.

*5 John Mayer pictures total in the gallery:

John Mayer playing basketball in West Hollywood (8/24)

+ Sophie Turner (she of the ridiculous tits and ass) speaks [IDLYITW]

+ Behind the scenes with Christina Hendrick's boobs [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Hilary Duff has a nice ass [Hollywood Tuna]
+ Hello Reese Witherspoon's hard nipples [The Superficial]
+ I bet he nailed a waitress or whore afterwards [Celebuzz]

+ Damn I would bang the bejeesus out of this chick [Popoholic]
+ Kate Beckinsale is pretty old-school [moejackson]
+ Holy shit, Heidi had even more plastic surgery [PopEater]
+ Marisa Miller forgot clothes [College Humor]

+ John Mayer is angry with the Huffington Post [Dlisted]
+ A gallery of celebrity cameltoes [CityRag]
+ Kim Kardahsian is a pedophile [popbytes]
+ These old people need to shut the hell up [Gabby Babble]

*25 John Mayer pictures total in the gallery:

John Mayer leaving Toast Bakery Cafe in West Hollywood (8/16)

John Mayer turned down something with two arms, two legs, and a vagina? Is he not feeling well? From the New York Post:

"Gossip Girl" star Michelle Trachtenberg cozied up to John Mayer  at Soho House in Los Angeles the other night. "Michelle was bouncy and flirty. She seemed smitten with him," said one witness. But the singer/guitarist "seemed too cool for school and non-expressive." A flack for Mayer had no comment

It must be nice pulling so much ass that you can actually reject Michelle Trachtenberg. I'd sell my kidney, little sister, and top secret Pentagon secrets just to smell her dirty underwear  collect the hair from her shower drain  meet her in person. I bet the real reason John blew her off is probably because he's now in a committed relationship -- with every contestant that was in the Miss Universe pageant.

*15 John Mayer pictures total in the gallery:

John Mayer spitting game at Coachella earlier this year

I guess now we know the best way to seduce Jennifer Aniston . . . I mean besides having a pulse. Just show her a picture of your dog. From Life & Style:

John Mayer is definitely enjoying the single life! John has been spotted at various NYC hot spots in the past few weeks using some creative tactics to pickup girls. An eyewitness tells Life & Style’s Scene Queens, "John was recently at Gold Bar in NYC where I saw him hitting on girls by bragging about his tattoos and showing off pics of his dog on his iPhone."

And John may make girls swoon when he serenades them from the stage, but sources tell the Scene Queens that he was attempting to woo girls by singing a cappella at a nearly empty NYC bar.

John Mayer doesn't need to show chicks his tattoos and dog to get them to sleep with him -- he just needs to show them his ATM receipt. After reading countless stories about all the skanks John has hooked up with over the years, one thing's certain for the next chick he talks into bed: the most unbelievably passionate sex of her life that she'll soon become very intimate with her local free clinic's speculum.

*5 pictures total in the gallery:

John Mayer out and about in New York (6/19)

You know you're an asshole when the only positive thing a reporter can say about your recent set at a comedy club is that you didn't make any racial slurs. From the New York Daily News:

The second time’s a charm for John Mayer. The singer/songwriter again tried his hand at comedy at the downtown Comedy Cellar on Thursday night, the same place he bombed nearly four years ago.

This time, talent — or luck — was on Mayer’s side. The "Gravity" singer managed to do a solid 10 minutes of standup without making any racial slurs (as he did on his first go-round.). "I just hooked up with Kate Hudson," Mayer said when he heard there was a reporter in the audience. "… with Megan Fox's hand." According to one Cellar dweller, Mayer "was really nervous right before he went on and kept checking over his notes that he brought onstage," but went over fairly well with the crowd.

Listening to John Mayer try and tell jokes for ten minutes must have been torture. The only way that audience could have had a more hellish experience is if he'd decided to sing. Besides, comedy clubs should be reserved for professionals. If the audience wanted to pay good money to see a celebrity spew lame joke after lame joke, they could have just gone to see Grown-Ups.

*11 photos total in the gallery:

Taylor Swift and a friend at Pinz Bowling in Studio City (3/23)

Wait a minute, when did Taylor Swift turn into Paris Hilton? The National Enquirer claims that she's seeing three dudes right now -- or as Paris calls it: "Thursdays." From the tabloid:

Taylor Swift is racking up boyfriends as fast as she's racking up music awards! The country cutie's latest beau is Glee star Cory Monteith, but The Enquirer has learned that Taylor is three-timing the Canadian actor with exes Taylor Lautner and John Mayer!

"Taylor can't make up her mind about which guy she wants to be with," revealed an insider.

The 20-year-old beauty broke up with wolf-boy Lautner late last year because of their busy schedules, then started seeing Mayer. Taylor, however, tossed him to the curb when her mom Andrea gave John the thumbs down - and that's when she connected with Cory.

"But Taylor is still carrying a torch for Lautner and Mayer - so she's seeing all three guys behind their backs," divulged the insider. "It's out of control!"

Taylor Swift is dead to me. Not because she's running around with three different guys at the same time or being deceitful about it, but because of something much much worse: she swapped bodily fluids with John Mayer. Any chick who's been with that guy has basically slept with 90% of Hollywood. That means that at some point, Taylor's been with Paris, Lindsay, and Britney -- or as I call them: "The Axis of STD." I'm sorry, but If I wanted my dick to turn 10 different colors, I'd just find 10 cheap whores that were wearing different colored lipstick . . . or as Paris Hilton calls it: "The Annual Family Reunion."

*20 pics total in the gallery:

John Mayer performing at Madison Square Garden in New York (2/25)

I'm just kidding, he's a total dick. From the New York Daily News:

Mayer spent the weekend partying at NoLita hot spot La Esquina - which is near the 2,500-square-foot SoHo apartment he owns - and acting, well, less-than-gentlemanly.

"He was drinking and saying vulgar things to the girls at the bar," says a spy. "He was hitting on one pretty brunette in particular, but she found him slimy because he was being so over-the-top. She thought he was being really disrespectful. She definitely didn't go home with that sleaze."

John doesn't need to be "over-the-top" with the ladies to get them to sleep with him -- he just needs to pick up a guitar. Guitars are like catnip to horny chicks. Out comes the guitar and off comes the clothes. Hell, I don't even know how to play and I keep one in my trunk just in case. Of course, if John really wants to bang a chick, he could always do what Charlie Sheen does when he wants a woman to do exactly what he wants: hire a hooker choke a bitch.