Archive: John Mayer

John Mayer finally breaks down

Ever since John Mayer broke it off with Jennifer Aniston a few weeks ago, paparazzi have shunned him. John’s done his best to set up “candid” shots but the paps simply don’t care. A paparazzo told MSNBC:

“He thinks he’s famous as Jen now. Last week he went to a party, tipped off the paps, and even had decoy cars at the ready when he was leaving. Nice, but no one bothered to follow them, which made John think he ‘lost’ everyone, when really no one bothered to follow him . . . Pictures of him and Jen were selling for $20,000 at one point. A picture of him alone gets $200 now. Chasing him from his apartment to Nobu is hardly worth it.” (Source)

A picture of him alone is only worth $200? What a bargain! I pay more than than that for pictures of my neighbor sleeping in that cute little red negligee she wears on Thursday nights when I’ve disconnected her air conditioning again I have taken at Sears. Besides, desperate Hollywood has-been over the age of 35 shouldn’t command more money on the paparazzi circuit . . . they should be put to sleep.

[WENN, BauerGriffinOnline]

John Mayer cheated on Jennifer Aniston

It looks like what broke up Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer was his wandering penis. Mayer cheated on Aniston with a cocktail waitress, promoter’s assistant, and groupie. Not at the same time. From the Chicago Sun Times:

“It was Jen who decided to move on,” says Aniston’s friend. “She is very fond of John and has thought he might be the one. She finds him funny, sexy and very talented. … Plus he understands all the aspects of living in a fishbowl. But in the final analysis, she just got tired of his roving eye.”

Apparently, Aniston gave Mayer a “three strikes and you’re out” ultimatum — after learning about his “quickie” flings with a cocktail waitress and a promoter’s assistant for his concert tour.

That was two strikes. Another dalliance, with a groupie, was the final straw for Aniston. (Source)

So Jen let John cheat two times, but the third was the final straw? Wow, she is so fucked. Because now every dude in Hollywood knows that if you’re dating Jennifer Aniston, you can cheat twice before she gets really pissed off. I wonder what her views are on threesomes? Like, does Jen allow two threesomes with other women even thought that’s technically four total vaginas? She really needs to clear that up to avoid confusion in the future.

“It’s not you Jen, it’s me . . . I don’t like you.”

Surprise, surprise, Jennifer Aniston got dumped yet again. Aniston and her boyfriend John Mayer had been on a “break” for the past month or so (I haven’t been able to find any pics of the two together for about that long) before they made the split official earlier this week. Ironically, Aniston just completed production on her latest film He’s Just Not That Into You. A source close to John told UK rag the Daily Mirror:

“There’s been a bit of tension for some time. They initially opted for a break, hoping a trial split might make them stronger. Sadly it doesn’t seem to have worked. John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

“Initially, Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she’s simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken. They have spoken on the phone since the split and are trying to remain on good terms. But unless John has a dramatic change of heart, it’s unlikely they’ll rekindle their romance.” (Source)

On the bright side for Jen, she’s gone through so much ice cream dealing with these public breakups of her’s that if she eats just 40 more pints of Ben & Jerry’s, she gets a flavor made in her honor: Suicidal Cinnamon.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

John Mayer boarding his tour bus in L.A. (7/29)

+ Maria Miller forgot her bikini [Hollywood Tuna]

+ Heidi Montag wearing the shortest shorts ever [Drunken Stepfather]
+ More Paulina Rubio Bikini Pictures [Egotastic!]
+ One nation, under boob, with liberty and justice for all (SFW) [College Humor]
+ Why does this chick always look permanently coked out? [Bastardly]

+ The L.A. Times is slowly morphing into Us Weekly [I’m Not Obsessed]
+ Former Vice President wants to be on Dancing with the Stars [Dlisted]
+ Kelly Brook is leggy [Popoholic]
+ Justin Timberlake brought trucker hats back [A Socialite’s Life]

+ Eliza Dushku is definitely hot [Double Viking]
+ Is “neither” an option? [F-Listed]
+ God I love cheerleaders [Busted Coverage]
+ Is that Miley flashing her butt? [NinjaDude]

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in Miami (5/11)

Before tabloids broke the news about him banging Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer was nice enough to call his ex Minka Kelly and apologize. A friend of Minka’s told the New York Post:

“Minka received a call from John prior to the story breaking about his relationship with Jennifer. He apologized to Minka, ‘Sorry, but I’m really in love.’ ” She found that interesting as, “during his relationship with her, John mentioned, ‘I don’t really get this Jennifer Aniston thing.’ ” (Source)

I’m not buying it. Aniston leaked this story. She’s desperate for attention. Mark my words, next week we’ll be reading about how Jen gives great BJs and bakes a killer chocolate chip cookie. John doesn’t even like her — he’s only with her because he’s up to “J” on his alphabetical list of “Famous Chicks to Bang.”

[BauerGriffinOnline]

John Mayer in Mexico (6/16)

In case you care, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are vacationing in Mexico right now. They’re staying at Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita. Yep, that Joe Francis. If you’ve ever appeared topless in a Girls Gone Wild video, you basically paid for this house — expect a thank you card from John and Jen when they arrive back home. When my mom gets her’s, I’ll scan it and post it. *hangs head*

[Flynet]

John Mayer is above the law

John Mayer was ticketed yesterday on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood for having expired tags and no front license plate on his vintage Land Rover. I know, what an asshole. But check out him filling up his Ford GT in Beverly Hills on Monday:

That’s right, no front license plate. Some fucking role model he is. I’m *this* close to tearing down that poster of him I have stapled to the ceiling above my bed. You and your dreamy eyes disgust me John Mayer.

[WENN, BauerGriffinOnline]

John Mayer has a huge penis

I could think of worse rumors I’d want floating around about me. From the New York Daily News:

You wouldn’t expect Jennifer Aniston to be giddy like a schoolgirl these days. Not with the news that ex Brad Pitt and his baby-machine girlfriend Angelina Jolie are pumping out twins in a couple of weeks. But the former “Friend” has been glowing of late, pals of the actress tell us.

“She’s just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character,” said one spy.

The reason can’t just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson’s sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner’s ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he’s a great guy, but because he’s a “great” guy, if you know what we mean. (Source)

John has a “certain feature that leaves Jen so pleased”? I’m guessing this is code for donkey-sized penis, but considering Jennifer Aniston is the source, it could just mean that he has a tissue dispenser/ice cream maker welded to his ass. Of course the other option is that John is blessed with the same “affliction” as me: a double jointed tongue.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

John Mayer leaving New York’s Bungalow 8 earlier this morning

You know how John Mayer is supposed to be dating Jennifer Aniston? Oops, someone forgot to tell him. The New York Post says:

A source in New York saw Mayer, a notorious horndog, out at 1Oak Friday night with Adam Levine, and Mayer “was all over some blond girl.” Mayer later asked the DJ to play some R. Kelly songs so “we can dance with our girls.” (Source)

I don’t understand. Besides Jennifer Aniston’s low self esteem, age, Jay Leno chin, and man-kryptonite in her vag,* she’s a total catch for any Hollywood star!

*a.k.a. a ticking biological clock

[Splash News]

John Mayer is banging Jennifer Aniston

John Mayer is probably banging Jennifer Aniston. The two had lunch together Saturday in Miami and then were seen returning to Aniston’s hotel room later that night. People magazine says:

When it came to lunch, “I was happy to accommodate them,” says Charles Bell, general manager of Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in the Miami Design District, which opened its doors for the pair early at 3:30 p.m. for the 90-minute meal. Sitting across from each other in a booth, their heads were close together, and they were engaged in a private conversation, says Bell. “I can’t speculate on what kind of meeting it was but they looked happy and seemed to have a great time,” he says.

The same also seemed to be true later in the day, when the two were seen at Casa Tua on South Beach. With his arm around her, Mayer, 30, and Aniston, 39, left the restaurant a bit before 1 a.m. When they returned to her hotel, they were observed holding hands. (Source)

Is there anyone left John Mayer hasn’t dated? The list of hot chicks he’s nailed is longer than Schindler’s. I guarantee you half of Hollywood could pick his penis out of a lineup. Except Jessica Simpson. She has this nasty habit of passing out when faced with multiple choice questions.

[WENN]