Recently in John Mayer Category

Jennifer Aniston at a screening of Management at the Sunshine Theatre in New York (
(5/5)

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are supposedly talking again. The two have already broken up twice before oh god who cares, just go away. From the National Enquirer:

"(Mayer) wasn't calling her or texting her," a production insider from Aniston's new film The Baster divulged. "But, as she got lonelier and the shoot for her new movie wore on, she started reaching out to him, sometimes very late at night.  And sometimes after a few too many glasses of wine."

Luckily, Jen's BFF Courteney Cox Arquette, is around to straighten her Friends out.

"Courteney is the biggest objector to a John reunion," the source explained. "They never got along and Courteney is someone who has always told Jennifer she's just too good for John."

After everything he's put her through, there can only be one reason why Jen keeps going back to John: his penis . . . makes an amazing latte. I mean seriously, either these two have some sort of spiritual connection that transcends body and mind, or this guy's tongue is longer and quicker than a Komodo dragon's. Regardless, Jen's infatuation with John is good news for one person: Brad Pitt. He won't have to worry anymore about Jen's 4 AM drunk dials waking the babies.

John Mayer leaving the Hotel Cafe in Hollywood (5/6)

We have a new entry into the "Lamest Celebrity Pickup Line" contest*: "Let me tuck you in." John Mayer unleashed that doozy recently on rising pop star Jessie James (this chick here and here). James told WFAN's Boomer & Craig (via the New York Post):

"He had someone send for me [from] across the room. He had a bunch of girls with him and he said, 'We should [all] go back to my apartment.' " She said Mayer left first to avoid the paparazzi, and when they got to Mayer's apartment, "We were all hanging out and everyone started to gradually leave. It was just he and I at this point. I told him, 'I need some taxi money, I'm gonna go home now.' " Mayer asked James for her number and she gave it to him before leaving. She recalled, "He texted me throughout the entire night while I was at the hotel room," leaving messages like, "Let me tuck you in. I want to see you."

John's doing it wrong. When you're a famous singer with millions of dollars, you don't text a woman innuendos about sex. You just pay her to perform it. Seriously, if I had as much money as John Mayer (which is apparently enough to not care about being a complete douchebag), I wouldn't know one woman whose name didn't start with "Pay me first" and end with "See you next week."

*Current front-runner: Spencer Pratt. Surprisingly, his "I want to make babies in your colon all night long" line actually worked on Heidi Montag a few years ago.

Jennifer Aniston on the set of The Baster in New York (4/23)

So I guess Jennifer Aniston is pissed at John Mayer for moving on so quickly after they broke up, and with a much younger woman no less (he's rumored to be tapping a 23-year-old piece-of-ass cocktail waitress). Because why should he be happy? That's totally not fair! An insider told the National Enquirer:

"Jen is hurt and brooding that John rebounded so quickly. She went on a rant, telling friends that John should be with such a younger woman - because he's so immature and juvenile. Jen IS bitter. She's alone again and John is getting the last laugh."

Jen really shouldn't be too upset that John's dating a younger woman. Last time I checked, she's 40. According to my generation, that's, like, really really old. My god, she's over two decades removed from her peak hotness age of 16 errr 18. Of course any other woman he dates is going to be younger than her. If Jen really wants John to date a woman similar to her who's still single, there's really only one group of ladies he can hit on: The widowers at Shady Acres Retirement Home.*
 
*On a side note, the best way I've found into one of these woman's heart and bank account:  Bring a bowl of Oatmeal that can be eaten through a straw.

John Mayer and Scheana Marie Jancan

That purty-looking lady on the right is Scheana Marie Jancan, John Mayer's new slumber party friend. For the record, Scheana is a 23-year-old, eager-to-please Hawaiian Tropic model . . . which seems like a nice upgrade over a 40-year-old actress who was constantly bugging you to "stick it in and give me your seed 'cause I want a baby NOW." From Star:

Star has learned that John is hooking up with aspiring actress Scheana Marie Jancan. They met in early April at a Beverly Hills lounge. Scheana, who turns 24 in May, served the sexy singer drinks at The Grand Havana Room and John started chatting her up.

"Scheana was shocked and thrilled when John asked her out," a source tells Star. "She has always thought he was hot, and she said yes right away, writing down her cell phone number on a napkin. They flirted the whole time, and he told her she was cute."

The gorgeous brunette, who has modeled for Ed Hardy and Doritos and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant, has been hanging out with the singer at his rented home in Calabasas, Calif.

"There is always food and beer around," according to the source. "Scheana said she has loads of fun there; it’s like spring break!"

Well-played John Mayer, well-played. Going for the 23-year-old Hawaiian Tropic model wasn't a move I thought you still had in your playbook. Judging from your previous relationship, I thought you were the kind of guy that would be attracted to the more washed-up types of women . . . like Kathy Griffin or Richard Simmons. Now that I know we will be competing for the same pool of models and beauty pageant contestants, I have only one thing to say to you Mr. Mayer: Good luck, you're going to need it.

John Mayer about the Carnival Splendor ship for the "Mayercraft Carrier 2" theme cruise (3/27)

Jennifer Aniston's ex-boyfriend is now rockin' super flaming hot pants. What does she have, a bear trap instead of a vagina? I've never seen a straight man turn his back on heterosexuality this quickly.

Jennifer Aniston dumped John Mayer? Yeah right.

The Daily Mail wants us to believe that Jennifer Aniston dumped John Mayer over his Twitter obsession. *chuckles* From the paper:

During the actress's trip to Europe earlier this month to promote her new film Marley & Me, she was apparently infuriated when the musician claimed he was too busy to return her calls, but found time to update his Twitter page. A friend of the 40-year-old actress said she was unimpressed he found time to write random ramblings on the site, but not to contact her.

A pal claimed in America's Star magazine: "John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her e-mails and when she would finally catch up with him, he'd say, 'I've been so busy with work. I'm sorry I haven't had time to call you back.' Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn't have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like, 'He has time for all this Twittering but he can't send me a text, an email, make a call?'" (Source)

No fucking way this is true. Jen's biological clock is approaching midnight. She wouldn't dump a guy even if she discovered that his hobby is having sex with corpses. "Just please don't do it around me . . . can we get married now?"

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer at the Oscars last month

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's interview with Gayle King at last month's Oscars:

"This is the first time I've ever walked a red carpet with someone," [Mayer] said.

"I think that's big. Are you both happy?" King asked.

Said Aniston, "Very happy." (Source)

E!'s Marc Malkin today:

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer may have called it quits. That's the rumor I'm hearing. A source says the pair's on-again, off-again relationship may have ended sometime within the last week, when Aniston returned from her overseas Marley & Me junket.

"He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour," the source said. (Source)

Another failed relationship. More heartbreak. More Häagen-Dazs. I feel for you Jennifer, I really do, but you know what has to happen. It's the elephant in the room that no one is talking about. You have to become a militant, man-hating lesbian. First, you'll need bumper stickers. Lots of them. I recommend starting with the classics: "Vaginatarian," "Pride Bride," and anything having to do with Xena: Warrior Princess. Also, you'll need a pair of Doc Martens. I hear Sears is having a sale. What are you waiting for? GO! NOW!

Jennifer Aniston at the premier of Marley & Me in L.A. (12/11)

I don't know what I find more surprising about this story from the National Enquirer: that Jennifer Aniston would put any kind of roadblock between her and marriage or the fact that she's worth $150 million. A source told the tabloid:

"Jen has serious reservations about diving into marriage with John. She is very insecure, and at the top of her list of worries is that John is using her to boost his fame and fortune. So she's insisting that John sign a prenup. His pride is wounded, and the drama over all this is threatening to blow up their wedding plans, and even their relationship.

"Jen had to rebuild her life after her marriage to Brad Pitt collapsed in late 2004. She's on top of the world now professionally, and a prenup is a smart business move to protect her [$150 million] fortune. Even though she loves him, Jen is still unsure of John's trustworthiness because of his reputation for having loved and left half the actresses and models in Hollywood. After her split with Brad, Jen has had serious trust issues - and for good reason." (Print Edition - 2/2)

Jen's "on top of the world professionally"? Last time I checked, her most recent films haven't exactly lit up the box office. And in the only one that did rake in a decent profit, she wasn't even the main attraction. That distinction went to a star that not only licks his own anus, but occasionally finds his fecal matter to be a delicious morning treat. So yeah, if you consider THAT to be on top of your game, then sure, Jen's doing great. Also "on top of the world professionally" by that standard: Betamax distributors.

Minka Kelly is teh hotness

That's Minka Kelly at the InStyle Golden Globes after-party last night. The same Minka Kelly that John Mayer used to date. He broke up with her last year to start dating Jennifer "marry me now, oh please god, marry me now" Aniston. Honestly, after seeing these pics, I wouldn't be surprised if John's penis runs away in the middle of the night tonight, never to return. Like, we'll see it on milk cartons and everything. John Mayer's penis. There it is. Have fun trying to finish your cereal with that thing burned into your mind.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer probably possibly getting married. Maybe.

The National Enquirer claims that Jennifer Aniston is planning a wedding at her Beverly Hills home next year. I wonder if she's told John Mayer yet? "Surprise, we're getting married!" An insider told the mag:

"Although Jen recently denied having marriage plans in an interview, those closest to her know she will be getting married next year and is trying to keep her wedding a secret. Since this is her second time down the aisle, Jen wants a less formal, more intimate ceremony with no more than 100 guests. It's going to be at her Beverly Hills home, which she recently moved into. John is writing a love song for Jen as a wedding present, which he'll play during the ceremony."

After the reception, they hope to jet off to Punta Mita, Mexico, for
a honeymoon, the source added. (Print Edition - 12/29)

Jen's "trying to keep her wedding a secret"? This is Jennifer Aniston we're talking about, right? The same woman that pleads for privacy and then prattles on to interviewers about every detail of her personal life? With a mouth as big as her's, I'm surprised the exact locations of her wedding and honeymoon haven't been accidentally leaked yet. *Re-reads above article* Oh, wait . . . nevermind.