John Mayer leaving the Mantage Beverly Hills (6/4)
John Mayer is trying too hard. Using a tie as a belt really only works if you're so hipster that you don't even own a belt. It doesn't work when your belt collection is worth more than most people make in a year. "Hmmm, should I wear this $10,000 alligator belt or a tie?"
*7 John Mayer pictures total in the gallery:
Kelly Monaco at the 40th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards in Beverly Hills (6/16)
Raise your hand if you're shocked that John Mayer cheated on Katy Perry? Okay . . . that makes zero hands. A source tells Perez Hilton that John was banging Kelly Monaco pretty much the whole time he was dating Katy Perry:
"[John and Kelly] hooked up immediately. She was open to the things that John's into, like sexy toys, tying each other up and threesomes. He couldn't get enough. Kelly was still on his mind. He would text her and try and get her to meet him either at his place in L.A. or a hotel out in the Valley ... Katy found texts on his phone. She was devastated and realized he's a sex fiend who isn't capable of telling the truth."For wanting to settle down in life, Katy's last two relationships have been with the biggest poonhounds in Hollywood: Russell Brand and John Mayer. Gee, it's almost like she likes all this drama in her life. Don't be surprised if her next boyfriend is the dude from Sister Wives.
*10 Kelly Monaco pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry out and about in Sydney, Australia (3/5)
Katy Perry dumped John Mayer, not because he cheated, but because she was worried he'd cheat. Oh, I'm sure she'll get over that paranoia with the next famous guy she dates. Because women are very rational. From In Touch Weekly:
"She always thinks John is either going to cheat or is cheating," the source explains.Boy, Katy isn't the most perceptive person in the world. Did Titties O'Plenty really believe that all of the star-fuckers were gonna hop off the Mayer train just because she came aboard? John Mayer isn't particularly talented or handsome, but he'll continue to be the self-appointed "Gynecologist to the Stars" as long as women's taste in music continue to be shitty. My advice to Katy? Buy and memorize Metallica's And Justice for All, lower your expectations, and start returning my emails. I'll never cheat on you . . . assuming Sofia Vergara's amazing rack never comes a-knocking.
And her fears might not have been so far-fetched. Now, sources confirm exclusively to In Touch that John got cozy with 24-year-old spin instructor Lauren McHale last spring during a brief break with Katy ... For Katy, her uncertainty was enough to call things off, says the first source.
"She'd rather have kept dating, but he wanted to marry her. He pressured her. He gave her a ring and made the relationship more serious, which scared her because of his past."
*10 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry kicks John Mayer out
A few days after Katy Perry dumped John Mayer, a moving truck was spotted outside her home in the Hollywood Hills. Ouch, she doesn't waste any time. This is the celebrity equivalent of throwing all his shit on the lawn. I just hope a famous, attractive, rich musician like John can somehow find a way back on his feet.
*7 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry in better days
Katy Perry and John Mayer are no more. Despite blowing cash on strippers like all couples in love do, E! is claiming that the two split up earlier this week. And they have no quotes or evidence whatsoever, so you can take this news to the bank.
A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days. No other details about what prompted the "Dark Horse" singer's decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry's side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.This is definitely good news. Why? Because Katy Perry used to look like that. She used to wear tight rubber dresses. She used to push her tits out. She used to tickle that little spot on my back to wake me up in the morning. In other words, she used to be fun. And then John Mayer came along and she turned into an ankle-skirt-wearing Mennonite. Find someone else to churn your butter, John. Katy belongs to us.
*20 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Paris Hilton at the Chanel show during Paris Fashion Week (10/1)
According to unnamed internet sources, Katy Perry and John Mayer are close to getting engaged. Unnamed internet sources? I'm convinced! From Hollyscoop:
"They are definitely going to get engaged very soon," a source close to Katy exclusively told Hollyscoop, saying that the couple have been looking at engagement rings together. "She wants a green diamond, since green is her favorite color. They want to have a small wedding, one of those you don't hear about until it is all said and done. They live with each other now and are practically already husband and wife ... Katy knows that John is her soul mate and everything she has been through has led her to him. John has said he will never love another woman like he loves her. She has redefined his definition of love."So what? I'm sorry to unravel the web of bullshit some PR rep is spinning, but John Mayer ain't marrying anybody anytime soon -- even Katy Perry. The guy is Leo DiCaprio with a guitar. Sure, he'll buy the rings, meet the family, and do all the other horseshit things a fiance is supposed to do, but rest assured that John will be long gone before the actual wedding day. Why? Well, Katy already threatened to put away those sweet knockers and pretend to be a legitimate singer, so that's strike one. Strike two is the fact that she's 28 as of this posting, which leaves Johnny another three years to eat her soul. And strike three? Come on, it's her voice. It's goddamn terrible. I can't believe I'm the only one saying it, but there it is.
*25 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry on her way to Nobu in London (9/27)
It's almost embarrassing how cock-whipped John Mayer has Katy Perry. A true swordsman, this guy. She tells the new issue of Billboard:
"[John is] literally is a genius, as is evident from his songwriting. I always tell him, 'Darling, you know I'm going to have to give your mind to science after you've passed, because we're going to have to understand how all these sparks work.'"Look at the childlike enthusiasm Katy has when she talks about "the genius" John Mayer -- isn't it just adorable? My girlfriend is the same way about yours truly (even though it takes me a week to complete a Sudoku puzzle). Johnnyboy and I are hung like a couple of V-2 rockets, so the genius label clearly comes from our ability to crush kidneys and not our skill on a chessboard. Former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega had the same problem. The guy was a total douche, but he looked like he was keeping a banana clip in his front pocket, which obviously raised his Q-rating amongst the masses . . . although I must admit that Manny could dominate a game of hangman like nobody's business.
Perry also revealed it's not just Mayer's music that makes him brilliant.
"We'll be in bed, and he'll be doing the crossword puzzle. Every night, he tries to finish it in under 10 minutes. When he puts his mind to something, he really gets it done very well. I always ask for his help."
*20 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry leaving The Lion in New York (8/12)
Is John Mayer propopsing to Katy Perry? If you believe anonymous internet sources -- and why wouldn't you? -- then yes, yes he is. From Life & Style:
"John has been asking Katy's friends tons of questions, like what kind of engagement ring she would want and what the best way to propose would be," a source says. "They've been so serious about each other ever since they got back together [in June]."Um, oh boy, this is awkward. I hate to break it to Katy since I feel indebted to her for about 1,000 pleasant erections I've achieved over the years, but John Mayer isn't marrying her or anyone anytime soon. It's a dick move all us players do. It shuts clingy bitches up faster than a Chris Brown haymaker to the ovaries. Does that bother you girls? I'm sorry, will you marry me? Psych! See how well it works? LOL, dumb broads.
John hasn't decided on all the details just yet, but according to the source, he will by the end of the year. "John wants to do something special, probably around the holidays," says the source. "There are a lot of options on the table. Nothing is ruled out. It could happen on a romantic getaway or during a family dinner."
*15 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry in East Hampton, New York (7/2)
Katy Perry wants John Mayer to delete all of his ex-girlfriends' numbers. And no more texting them. And take her out on dates. Basically, stop acting like John Mayer. From Life & Style:
After two breakups in less than a year, Katy Perry, 28, has been laying down the law with her on-again beau, John Mayer, 35. "She said it will only work if he follows some of her rules," dishes a Katy insider.John Mayer is gonna give up his NOC list? Yeah, right. I don't care how spectacular Katy Perry's tits are (and they are spectacular), there are some things a player of John's stature simply cannot throw away. Does Katy even know who he is? John Mayer is like the Norwegian Latin Kings -- you know, soft by American standards but a boss anywhere else. Katy is 28 now, she should worry more about staying relevant beyond 2015 and less about the army of desperate models awaiting orders from captain cock.
What's on the to-do list for the "Heartbreak Warfare" singer? "Getting rid of his old girlfriends numbers and no more texting them!" continues the insider. "Katy wants more dinners and date nights, and for him to be more romantic with her." (Print Edition - 7/15)
*5 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:
Katy Perry is back with John Mayer
Even though she told the July issue of Vogue that she was definitely done with him, Katy Perry and John Mayer were spotted "kissing and cuddling" at the Friars Club Roast of Don Rickles last night in New York. So why can't Katy quit him? The sex, stupid. It's the crazy good sex. Via Contact Music:
Katy [Perry's] inner circle believe she will give John [Mayer] another chance because she is so physically attracted to him. A source added: "John is a physical guy and Katy says it has been the best sex of her life."Horsecock. That's the word Katy is looking for. Fleshy radiator hose would do, as would trouser salami. No offense to Katy's needledicked exes, Eurotrash and the cuckold, but she needs the "impale, curl toes, impale, curl toes" cycle of bliss that can only be provided by the well-endowed like Johnny M. and yours truly. She can save that "beautiful mind, tortured soul" bullshit for her next dopey CD. Hmmm, big sweaty tits, reverse cowgirl, soaked couch, get out. Classy, right? Quick, somebody pull my pants down and finish me off.
Katy revealed to the July issue of Vogue: "It's over ... I was madly in love with him. I still am madly in love with him. All I can say about that relationship is that he's got a beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds."
*10 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery: