Joe Simpson

Jessica Simpson leaving her lawyer's office in Century City (5/25)

Damn, I hope Jessica Simpson gets me in the Christmas gift exchange this year. From Starpulse:

Jessica Simpson has splashed out on new cars for her parents. The generous pop star bought dad Joe a top-of-the-line Maybach, while mom Tina has been handed the keys to a Porsche 911. The total cost of the vehicles is reportedly $600,000.

As a former child star that's grown up in the entertainment industry, Jessica should know by now that giving her parents lavish gifts isn't going to make them any more affectionate towards her than they already are. The only thing that'll do that is love compassion another hit single.

*10 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Joe Simpson will inconvenience you

A bunch of vets are pissed off at Jessica Simpson's creepy dad Joe for cutting them out of a TV special featuring his daughter. He probably has nothing to worry about, though -- it's not like those dudes know how to use deadly sniper rifles or anything. From the New York Post:

The 4Troops, a singing group of combat veterans, were told their camouflage gear was not fancy enough to sing with Simpson on her PBS Christmas special filmed at the Roseland Ballroom on Thursday.

A source told Page Six, "Jessica's dad, Joe Simpson, effectively kicked them off the show because he didn't like what they were wearing. They were in camo pants and blazers, the same outfits they wore to sing for Gen. David Petraeus on the USS Intrepid. They were told they couldn't perform unless they were wearing tuxedos.

"They waited for six hours until midnight only to be told their number with Jessica had been cut from the show," the source said. "The irony was Jessica was on stage saying how much she supports and admires the troops, and the veterans were stuck in a room in the basement. Instead of enduring more humiliation, the veterans left."

A spokeswoman for 4Troops said, "Joe should be ashamed of himself." Jens said, "I am so disappointed and angry, I threw up when I got back to my room."

These vets should consider themselves lucky -- these days, the only thing worse than being associated with Jessica Simpson is being waterboarded. Besides, the real reason Joe didn't want the vets around his daughter is because he didn't like the competition. Of course, if Joe had really wanted to surround his daughter with military personnel that isn't considered threatening at all, he would have had her perform with the Armée de Terre.*

*look it up

5 Joe Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Joe Simpson and Tony Romo playing golf in Studio City (1/8)

It was widely believed that Papa Joe Simpson was behind Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo's first break-up last year. The only reason the couple got back together (I mean besides Jessica's awesome rack) was because Joe promised to take a step back. Oh hey, you'll never guess who didn't take a step back. From Fox News:

Another inside source said that Jessica’s manager/father Joe Simpson’s meddling ways most likely took its toll on the relationship, which is the reason why they split the first time fourteen months ago. We’re told Joe promised he’d take a step back when the couple reunited but he was still too involved in his daughter’s private life.

"At one point Joe was even giving Tony football advice which doesn’t go down well," said an insider. "Tony was a football superstar before he got mixed up in Hollywood, this move will be probably be good at least for his career."

I can't believe Tony's using Joe as the scapegoat for the break-up. What an absolute betrayal. After all, it was Joe who introduced him to Jessica. It was Joe who told him the secret combination to unlocking Jessica's pants (kiss her on the neck, right below the ear). It was Joe who told Tony what champagne to get Jessica drunk on to get her to do "pretty much anything." Congratulations Cowboys fans, you have Benedict Arnold leading your team.

Jessica Simpson got fat

You just knew there had to be a Papa Joe Simpson angle somewhere in this Jessica Simpson getting fat story. Via MSNBC:

Before we pity the star for packing on unwanted pounds, let's remember how well weight gain-and-loss stories sell magazines.

"She's loving it," said a source close to Simpson, who suspects her weight gain is strategic. "It will probably get her back on covers right when she is a 'supporting' act on tour. I bet Joe (Simpson) has already sold the weight-loss story." (Source)

Dude, if this shit's true, Joe Simpson is an evil fucking genius. Everyone is talking about Jessica right now. My grandma even called me yesterday because she wanted to know when Jessica Simpson became a competitive eater. I wonder what Joe has in store to get Ashlee back in the news? I can see the headlines now: "Ashlee Simpson Disfigured In Horrible Car Accident Just Two Days Before Her Hot New Album Hits Stores Nationwide."