Joe Jonas


Olivia Culpo at the premiere of Cosmopolis at MOMA in New York (8/13)

Everyone is trying to get into the new Miss Universe's pants. Well, yeah. Because everyone has eyes. From the New York Daily News:
So far, spies say crooner Joe Jonas and "Family Guy" creator and 2013 Oscar host Seth MacFarlane have come knocking. So has Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte -- but Miss Universe pageant owner Donald Trump said the Olympian doesn't stand a chance.

"That swimmer is all over her like a puppy dog," Trump said. "She's rebuffed all kinds of celebrities. Olivia is focused on being Miss Universe. She's a smart, good girl."
Wow, that's great . . . I guess. I know it's supposed to be a really good thing for the ego to have all these "celebrities" lining up to bang you so you can brag about it on Twitter, but these guys aren't exactly what I refer to as "A-listers". An ex-boy bander, Michael Phelps' bitch, and a guy who -- let's face facts -- made millions of dollars doing the same voice we've all done trying to make a hot chick laugh. Hell, I'm surprised Kathy Griffith hasn't slithered out of her cave and tried to go down on Olivia yet. Oh god, now I can't get that image out of my head . . . *shoots self in head*

*25 Olivia Culpo pictures total in the gallery:

  • Olivia Culpo Ryan Lochte 1
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Nina Agdal dating Joe Jonas

After dating Ashley Greene and this little minx for a while, Joe Jonas is now hooking up with Sports Illustrated model Nina Agdal. Hey, here's a fun fact about Nina: OH MY GOD SHE'S IMPOSSIBLY HOT. From the New York Daily News:
Joe Jonas has a new girlfriend. Sunshine State sources say the Jo-Bro was spotted with model Nina Agdal in Miami last weekend. The singer, 22, and the Sports Illustrated pin-up, 19, were first spotted looking cozy with Adgal's leggy friends at Miami hot spots Mansion and LIV nightclub. The pair was also photographed together.
Hey, what happened to those promise rings? I bet it dissolved the first time Joe got some goo on it. That, or maybe a promise to stay celibate from a Jonas is the same as a promise to keep it classy from a Spears or a promise to stay clean from a Lohan: it AIN'T gonna happen. Not that I blame Joe for tapping that chick of his; the lad hit a home run with that one. Proud of ya', kid.

*58 Nina Agdal pictures total in the gallery:

  • Joe Jonas Nina Agdal 1
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Joe Jonas leaving Cafe Habana in Malibu (1/29)

I hope the Jonas brothers aren't still pulling that stupid "we're staying pure until we're married " crap, because the chick Joe Jonas was seen leaving Cafe Habana with on Sunday night seems like she'd be fun to have sex with. And I'm sure she totally appreciates me pointing out that fact. I'm a gentleman like that.

*11 Joe Jonas pics total in the gallery:

  • Joe Jonas Hot Chick 1
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Rihanna in Paynes Bay, Barbados (8/9)

Pro: There's a zero percent chance that Joe would ever beat Rihanna up if they started dating. Con: He's deathly afraid of pussy. True, one time he did get his dick wet, but that was only because he fell into a pool. From Showbiz Spy:
Rihanna has “bombarded” Joe Jonas with “raunchy texts”. The S&M singer is reportedly pursuing the squeaky clean pop star — famed for wearing a purity ring — by sending him suggestive messages.

“They met when Joe did a song with Rihanna’s ex Chris Brown and recently she’s been bombarding him with raunchy text messages,” a source said. “She keeps laughing to her mates that she wants to take him one the wildest ride of his life.”
Joe Jonas wouldn't be interested in Rihanna -- she's got more baggage than the cargo hold of Aaliyah's airplane. Besides, if Joe wanted to have the wildest ride of his life, he'd go out with Rosie O'Donnell, slap her thigh, and ride the wave in. Considering that she used to date Chris Brown, it seems like the sort of guys Rihanna likes aren't the type to wear purity rings -- they're the type to wear cock rings . . . in their esophagus.

*12 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rihanna Crazy Pants 1
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Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas out and about in Studio City (8/9)

Goodbye purity ring, hello hot sweaty sex. Joe Jonas' impure thoughts about his girlfriend Ashley Greene may have finally got the best of him. From Life & Style:
Life & Style’s Scene Queens can reveal that Joe Jonas, who’s been dating Twilight star Ashley Greene since July, is no longer wearing his purity ring. The silver band “promises to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure till marriage,” Joe has said.

Ashley and Joe have spotted together all over this summer: from kissing in Newark, NJ to grabbing coffee together in LA. While Joe has been linked to other Disney cuties Demi Lovato and Taylor Swift, Ashley’s been seen with Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill, Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford and actor Ian Somerhalder. But the forecast looks good for this duo: “When they’re not traveling, they’re basically living together,” a friend of the couple tells the Scene Queens.
If you consider the fact that there isn't a man on Earth who could resist Ashley Greene, it's really not that surprising that Joe's no longer wearing his purity ring. Saying "no" to sex with Ashley is probably harder than I am right now looking at her pictures. Besides, if Joe really wanted to save himself for marriage, he would have dated a celebrity whose advances are apparently easier to reject: like Jennifer Aniston. 

*22 Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas pictures total in the gallery:

  • Ashley Greene Jonas Brother 1
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Joe Jonas arriving to the Staples Center in L.A., no doubt on the hunt for some Grade A pussy (6/3)

The Jonas Brothers? A total front. All those dudes -- Joe especially -- are total poonhounds. From Star:
We've all heard of a guy sending a girl a drink to get her attention. but a wiener? That's a new one. [Late last month] Joe Jonas was so into a cute blonde at the Lakers vs. Suns game at the Staples Center in L.A. that he sent her a hot dog and a cola. "The girl was totally surprised to find out her snack was courtesy of Joe Jonas," a source tells Star. The shy gal wrote her name and phone number on a napkin and asked the waiter to deliver it to the pop hunk. Jokes the source, "I hope he got tipped well for playing matchmaker!"
Is this how virgins pull ass these days? Back in my day, we'd just invite a chick over to play Dungeons and Dragons or watch us write computer code. Obviously Joe doesn't realize yet that as a teen heartthrob worth millions of dollars, he doesn't need to send over a present to a girl to get her interested. He just needs to send over his ATM receipt.

*15 pics total in the gallery:

  • Joe Jonas Ladies Man 1
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Joe Jonas, Kevin Jonas, and Nick Jonas

The Jonas Brothers on the cover of Tiger Beat

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The Jonas Brothers outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York (6/11)

Note to teen and pre-teen girls: The Jonas do not want your homemade crap. They want your money. From oceanUP:
Girls have been waiting outside the Four Seasons in Toronto for over a month. They will take pictures with the Jonas Brothers, and even GIVE THEM 'GIFTS'. Yesterday, a maid from the hotel came out with a few bags COMPLETELY FILLED with stuff she gathered that the Jonas clan left behind in their hotel rooms. She was showing the girls what she had found.

One of the girls was waiting outside the hotel when the maid came out. She dug into the bag and found a hand sketched picture of Kevin Jonas that SHE SKETCHED for him, earlier this month, and GAVE TO KEVIN AS A GIFT! She asked the maid where she found it, and she said 'the trashcan in one of the Jonas' hotel rooms'.
This story sounds pretty brutal until you realize that this young lady learned a very valuable lesson from this whole experience that she'll be able to build on for the next band she wants to be a groupie for: If you really want to impress a rock star, don't give him a present from your heart -- give him a present from your pants. For example, my mom gave Mick Jagger herpes. Oops, there I go airing family secrets again.

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