If this guy does less than five years for all the crap that's come down on him in the last week, I will be very disappointed. Joe Francis added to his list of woes (charged with tax evasion earlier this week) Wednesday evening by bribing a guard for a bottle of water at the Bay County Jail in Panama City, Florida. The Girls Gone Wild mogul has been charged with one count of bribing a public servant, five counts of bringing contrband into a jail cell, and three counts of posessission of a controlled substance. All charges, classified as third-degree felonies in Florida, carry a maximum five-year prison sentence. From E! Online:
According to court documents, Francis offered guard Earl Cal $100 Wednesday evening and, when Cal passed, he upped the ante to $500, showing him the bills in the process.Problem—inmates aren't supposed to be packing cash any more than they're allowed to pack heat.
A search of Francis' cell then turned up 16 pills, including the sleeping aid Lunesta and the anti-anxiety drug lorazepam, under his mattress and under a towel that was lying on a table, per court records.
The real question here is: How did he get those bills into the jail cell without being detected? Can you say suppository? I've heard of dirty money before but not that dirty. At least now I know where I got that raging case of E. Coli.--from that rolled up hundred I used to sniff coke off of that hooker's back ... man I love Utah!
I swear Joe Francis is not gay. After all, plenty of fem-looking straight dudes spend their Saturday nights hanging out in gay bars. From the New York Post:
Sightings: Girls Gone Wild goon Joe Francis spending a raucous Saturday night at the Abbey, L.A.'s notorious gay bar. (Source)
Nothing gay about that whatsoever. Nope. Like I always tell my friend Pablo: Who's gayer? A guy like me who feels so comfortable about his sexuality that he can wear the occasional mesh shirt, go to the occasional gay bar, and blow the occasional trucker ... or someone like you who is so insecure that he has to surround himself with gorgeous eager-to-please supermodels? I think it's pretty obvious. Homo.
Much like Britney's ex, Isaac Cohen, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis also gave an exclusive interview to the UK's News of the World over the weekend. Francis talked about his childhood, his influence on America, and his insecurities...kidding--he mainly talked about nailing a bunch of celebrities.
Regarding Paris:
"Me and Paris had sex in every place you can imagine, in every corner of the world. One time we felt horny while on my plane—so we popped into the bathroom for fast, furious sex on the sink. She loved being filmed during sex. too. There must be hours of footage. The touch of a woman's body also drove her crazy. I watched it—what man wouldn't give his right arm for that?"
Regarding Kimberly:
"Regarding the bedroom, Kimberly is without doubt the best sex ever — she's wild."
Regarding Lindsay:
"Paris was better than her at oral sex. But I love Lindsay and she's a very, very close friend. Right now I'm a shoulder to cry on during a tough time."
And finally, regarding Tara:
"Tara just lay there — she didn't move a muscle! I might as well have been in bed alone." (Source)
I'm stunned, really. There's no other way to put it. No, no, no--not about Joe Francis banging all these famous chicks but the fact that he has a freaking jet. A jet! I used powdered milk for my cereal this morning and this douche bag has his own jet. It's gonna take a lot of counseling for me to get over this one. Is it considered bad taste to bring a sleeping bag to your therapist's office? God I hope not.
Even though producer Scott Storch gave Lindsay Lohan $1 million worth of diamond jewelry a few weeks ago, she’s just not interested in him. Apparently she’s hooking up with Joe Francis--yeah, the same Joe Francis who owns the Girls Gone Wild franchise. According to Page Six:
Friends of Lohan say Francis was with her when she went to the hospital two weeks ago to have her appendix out, and they planned to leave Saturday for a mini-vacation at Francis' Mexican estate, but decided to stay in town. "Neither of them could resist the lure of the Golden Globe parties," laughed our spy.
From Wikipedia:
In an incident involving minors at Panama City Beach, Florida, during spring break 2003, Francis was arrested and then released on $165,000 bond. He was initially charged with 71 separate counts, including racketeering, drug trafficking, and child pornography. Police confiscated his private jet and other property.
And:
In March 2004, a Texas college student accused Francis of raping her in his Miami hotel room. She alleged that he had drugged her and had sex with her because she woke up the next morning in his bed and could not recall the events of the previous evening. Francis reported that he had consensual sex with the woman.
Wow, Lindsay sounds like she’s got herself a real winner. If I would have known she was interested in guys with a long history of sexual assault charges, I would have forwarded her my match.com profile. It's downright predatortastic!
Kidding, kidding...I've never actually been charged, just accused. There IS a difference.
Paris Hilton uttered some rather unflattering statements about herself when being interviewed by police about the home invasion of "Girls Gone Wild" producer Joe Francis:
LAPD Detective Steve Koman and Deputy DA Hoon Chun were asking Hilton to remember what she told Francis at a party shortly after the "Girls" mastermind was victimized on Jan. 24, 2004. "Like I really . . . I don't remember. I'm not like that smart," Hilton said in police audio tapes set to air on "Dateline NBC" on Saturday night, "I like forget stuff all the time." Koman, however, jumped to Paris' defense and encouraged her to think again. "Don't cut yourself short," he said in the "Dateline" tapes.Hilton also told cops "private tapes" were stolen from her home - and that a mysterious caller wanted money for the hot goods. "They . . . wanted money. They were tryin' to sell it to like a newspaper or something," said Hilton, who balked at paying - and chalked it up to advice from dear old Dad. "So if you pay somebody, then you're gonna be paying for the rest of your life," Hilton said. "My dad always taught me. They'll keep the tape anyway."
Great lesson taught to Paris by her dad. My dad always taught me that, if you make a graphic sex tape, control the distribution rights. FOR GOD'S SAKE CONTROL THE DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS!* I used to think that was an inappropriate comment to write in someone's senior yearbook but now I realize Dad was just trying to help. I now think of it as a piece of advice I hope to pass along to my daughters. Father of the Year award here I come! You'll totally know it, too, because I'll have a rather unflattering statements about herself when being interviewed by police about the home invasion of "Girls Gone Wild" producer Joe Francis:
LAPD Detective Steve Koman and Deputy DA Hoon Chun were asking Hilton to remember what she told Francis at a party shortly after the "Girls" mastermind was victimized on Jan. 24, 2004. "Like I really . . . I don't remember. I'm not like that smart," Hilton said in police audio tapes set to air on "Dateline NBC" on Saturday night, "I like forget stuff all the time." Koman, however, jumped to Paris' defense and encouraged her to think again. "Don't cut yourself short," he said in the "Dateline" tapes.Hilton also told cops "private tapes" were stolen from her home - and that a mysterious caller wanted money for the hot goods. "They . . . wanted money. They were tryin' to sell it to like a newspaper or something," said Hilton, who balked at paying - and chalked it up to advice from dear old Dad. "So if you pay somebody, then you're gonna be paying for the rest of your life," Hilton said. "My dad always taught me. They'll keep the tape anyway."
Great lesson taught to Paris by her dad. My dad always taught me that, if you make a graphic sex tape, control the distribution rights. FOR GOD'S SAKE CONTROL THE DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS!* I used to think that was an inappropriate comment to write in someone's senior yearbook but now I realize Dad was just trying to help. I now think of it as a piece of advice I hope to pass along to my daughters. Father of the Year award here I come! You'll totally know it, too, because I'll have a novelty trophy that proves it. Hater.
I don't know what the cops thought they could get out of Paris. If the case was about finding the best topical herpes ointment or what Los Angeles restaurant has the best menus for coloring (I brought my own crayons!), Paris could have been the next Perry Mason. Tough break. Such is life.
*if you want to make any real money, you have to get a cut of the back end.
Joe Francis, founder of Girls Gone Wild and frequent boozing pal of Paris Hilton and other skanky celebrities, is $500,000 lighter in the pocket today. His company pled guilty to violating a federal law designed to prevent the sexual exploitation of children.
Mantra Films Inc. of Santa Monica pleaded guilty to charges that it failed to create and maintain age and identity documents for performers in sexually explicit films that it produced and distributed. The company also failed to label its DVDs and videotapes as required by federal law, the Justice Department said. The companies, founded and owned by Joseph Francis, agreed to pay $2.1 million in fines and restitution. Of that, $1.6 million is to be paid by Mantra and MRA, and $500,000 by Francis.The "Girls Gone Wild" series is based on young women exposing themselves during the frenzy of spring break and at other times in hot locales. There is binge drinking, hookups and frantic exhibitionism.
Binge drinking, hookups, and frantic exhibitionism? Sounds like a typical Wednesday afternoon for Lindsay Lohan. ZING!
