Jionni LaValle

Snooki at the NYTV Film Festival Panel discussion of "Love, Loss and Laundry: A Farewell to the Jersey Shore" in New York (10/24)

Oh great, now what am I supposed to do with this KitchenAid Professional 600 Series 6-Quart Stand Mixer in Pearl Metallic? I'll get you for this, Snooki! A source told Star:

They've been putting on a good act for the cameras ... but insiders say it's just a facade to promote her show Snooki & JWoww, which just got renewed for a second season. "Snooki is desperate to stay famous," a source says. "She can't stand to be around Jionni. She's only going to go through with the wedding for a million-dollar payday."

Snooki's mad because "he refuses to even touch the baby and acts like he can't hear Lorenzo screaming for attention," the source tells Star. Jionni, meanwhile, claims "the only reason he's laid off helping so much is to force her to do more."

It's gotten so bad that the two can barely stay in the same room without being at each other's throats. The insider laments: "It's quite sad, really, and the one who is suffering the most with their selfish behavior and constant fighting is poor baby Lorenzo." (Print Edition - 11/12)

Wow, this is unbelievable -- using babies and weddings as props for a reality show is just so shameful and demeaning . . . in other words, I'm surprised the Kardashians haven't filed a copyright infringement lawsuit about it.

*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

Snooki promoting her book Gorilla Beach at Showboat Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey (7/25)

Snooki is officially a MILF mom -- she gave birth to a baby boy on early Sunday morning. So far she has the father narrowed down to five guys, probably. Her rep -- yes, Snooki has a rep -- said:

The world just got another Guido!!! Lorenzo Dominic LaValle has entered the world, weighing 6 pounds, 5 ounces. Nicole, Jionni and Enzo are doing great!

And with life comes death, as Neil Armstrong passed away this Saturday from complications from a heart bypass surgery he had earlier this month. In a way, I envy the man. He was the first person to walk on the Moon and he never had to live on an Earth where Snooki was a mother. He was one bad ass motherfucker.

*10 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

Snooki is pregnant, engaged

The Apocalypse is finally upon us. Us Weekly confirmed with a giant cover today that Snooki is both pregnant and engaged. Hopefully both by the same man. From the mag:

After weeks of rumors, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi confirms exclusively in the new Us Weekly that she is 15 weeks pregnant -- and engaged to the father, beau of one and a half years Jionni LaValle.

"I have different priorities now," reformed party girl Snooki says. "I don't care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I'm ready and he's ready."

Adds LaValle: "We are not going to screw this up."

I may be in the minority here, but I think Snooki is going to be an AMAZING mom. I really don't see anything going wrong with this pregnancy.]

The once pouf-haired star and LaValle discovered the news "right after New Year's," she said. Snooki's first thought? "'Shit, I've been drinking!' I was worried. It was New Year's Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy." she admits.

Um, nevermind. Honestly, if this kid's not born with two heads and a claw for a hand, it's gonna be a minor miracle.

*16 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

Snooki filming her new reality show in Jersey City (2/28)

A rumor surfaced a few weeks ago that Snooki was pregnant, but like any sense of shame she has, it quickly died. After all, who would knowingly stick their penis into that thing long enough to impregnate it? Today the New York Post is saying that not only is Snooki pregnant (from her boyfriend Jionni), but she's already struck a deal with Us Weekly to reveal the news. Of course MTV is freaking the fuck out because she began filming the Jersey Shore spinoff this week Snooki and JWoww vs. the World. No, really. That's an actual show. A source told the paper:

"MTV went into crisis mode after they found out. They're trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show."

The new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies' relationship as friends and roommates — and whatever adventures come their way. Photos taken on the set show [Snooki] carrying large bags to hide her belly.

It would greatly affect the "creative direction of the show." In other words, Middle America isn't gonna watch a show where a 4'9" genetics experiment gone awry gets drunk at a club and tells a guy she just met in the bathroom "not to worry about cumming inside me 'cuz I'm already pregnant." Besides, The Facts of Life did that episode 25 years ago. Oh yeah, Tootie was an absolute whore.

*17 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

Snooki and Jionni LaValle leaving their hotel in Miami (12/6)

I'm assuming this is one of those situations where now that Jionni has the Snooki stink on him, no woman wants to even be in the same zip code as him -- let alone have sex with him -- so he was forced to crawl back to her. From Us Weekly:

After a roller-coaster year of make-ups and breakups, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jionni LaValle are on a high. So much so that the pint-sized Jersey Shore star, 24, "wants to marry Jionni,' says a Snooki pal. "She's always saying to friends that they're getting married someday. You can tell they really love each other." And while the aspiring teacher has yet to pop the question, a second source confirms "she would say yes" if he did. "She loves that Jionni obsesses over her," adds the source. "He supports her career, travels with her and accepts her - the good and the bad." And yes, the drama-prone pair did recently split again, but the pal says "they only broke up for, like, 30 seconds." With the breakup already ancient history, costar Deena Cortese tells Us: "They're doing awesome." (Print Edition - 12/19)

Before you pass judgement, let me just say that I'm as patriotic as anyone here. Hell, I'd dare to say that I love my country more than most of you love your mothers, but I think we've come to an impasse in regard to the State of New Jersey. I don't appreciate the colossal dump that the Garden State has been pinching into America's consciousness for the last few years. Sure, New Jersey has given us the greatness of Frank Sinatra and the Camden Riversharks, but it's also given us the scourge that is the cast of Jersey Shore. Snooki is banging-- oh, who gives a shit. I'm putting an end to this nonsense. It's time for a fourth Continental Congress. We need a decision once and for all on what to do with NJ. I suggest it be treated like an aggressive rouge state and its citizens like enemy combatants. Snooki, JWoww, Uncle Nino, Sleepy, Stupid, and the rest of them should be given accommodations down in Guantanamo Bay (it's not as if Obama closed it). The next time I see the word "Snooki" I want it to be immediately followed with "felt the crack of a border patrol agent's nightstick . . ."

*10 Snooki and Jionni LaValle pictures total in the gallery:

Snooki at The Grove in Hollywood (11/16)

Damn, when did Snooki get hot? . . . wait a minute, did I just say that out loud? Aw god dammit. From In Touch Weekly:

More than a year after they started dating, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and her beau, Jionni LaValle, have split, In Touch can exclusively reveal. “It happened after her birthday party last weekend in Las Vegas,” a friend says of the 23-year-old Jersey Shore vixen. “They’re done!” And it seems that the reality star’s thin new frame is to blame for the parting. “Snooki broke up with him because she is looking better than ever and wants to date someone famous,” the friend explains.

Snooki, good luck finding someone famous to date. With all of your venereal diseases, your choices are going to be limited to Paris Hilton or anyone that she's slept with. Besides, just because she's lost a little weight doesn't mean Snooki's desirable now. If she really wants a new man, she'll need to lose something more important -- her voice box.

*16 Snooki pictures total in the gallery:

Snooki and Jionni LaValle in Honolulu in March

Note to Jionni LaValle: It's bad enough that you're dating Snooki, but dude, don't make it permanent (hint: women don't usually get skinnier and prettier as they get older). Nevertheless, the New York Post says:

Snooki's equally pint-sized boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, told us he's looking forward to a marriage with the "Jersey Shore" star. "She's a good girl," he told us at the YRB magazine cover party for the "Jersey Shore" girls at District 36, where the two celebrated their 10-month anniversary of dating.

When asked if marriage was in the future, he said, "Hopefully." If the two decide to have babies, LaValle said he wouldn't allow them on a reality TV show but added, "She probably would."

Of course Jionni is looking to get married to Snooki -- with all of the diseases he's probably contracted from her, he really doesn't have that many other options. And can you imagine what kind of kids these two overtanned midgets would produce? Forget Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, Snooki's uterus would turn into the real Oompa Loompa breeding ground.

*18 Snooki pictures total in the gallery: