Jesus Luz

Madonna at the "Bent on Learning" benefit in New York (4/28)

Sorry for the confusing headline. The dude I'm talking about is in fact not Madonna (side not: what the hell is up with her cheeks?). It's her pussy boyfriend. From the New York Post:

It looks like Madonna hasn't traded in Jesus Luz for a new model yet. Despite posing with an even younger guy for her Dolce & Gabbana campaign, Madge and Jesus are still very much together. They were spotted hanging out in the green room at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "Please Give" at the Tribeca Performing Arts Center the other night, where a spy said, "He was gazing up at Madonna adoringly."

Whatever, I'm not buying it. Jesus doesn't really love Madonna. That's like someone loving paper cuts or waiting in long lines . . . or waiting in a long line to get a paper cut. Jesus loves Madonna the same way I love my ATM machine, the only difference being Jesus doesn't need a pin code to get Madonna to spit out 20s.

*14 pics total in the gallery:
 

Lindsay Lohan leaving Jet Black nightclub in London (3/14)

Madonna keeps her men on a very short leash, and I don't mean on Saturday nights when she forces them to get naked and wear a studded dog collar. I mean when they're out clubbing. From the Daily Mirror:

We hear Madonna's toyboy gave Lindsay Lohan the swerve on a night out in Paris, just so he would not have to face the wrath of the Queen of Pop. Jesus Luz flew into the French capital last week for a night at the plush VIP club.

Our source says: "Lindsay got her people to phone the club to try and hang out with him. She knew he was hosting a night there with Alicia Keys and her boyfriend Swiss Beatz. But when Madge's people got wind of it they put a block on it. Jesus wasn't one to argue, he didn't want to upset Madonna and was just there to work. LiLo had to make do with a night in her hotel."

Not letting Jesus near that milk-a-holic Lindsay is a pretty smart move. You don't want your boyfriend hanging around someone who is so casually willing to perform sexual favors, both to win friends and get out of parking tickets. That's Madonna's shtick.

Madonna and Jesus Luz are still together

Looks like those Madonna/Jesus Luz breakup rumors are untrue. The two were seen leaving the Fasano Hotel last night in Rio de Janeiro after a romantic dinner. Or maybe Madonna was helping Jesus with his homework. It's just like Mr. Santos to assign four chapters of Algebra just two days before Carnival. What a big jerk!

NOTE: They were also seen kissing (pics here) but no way in hell I'm posting those pics. Even I have standards.

Jesus Luz at Ipanema Beach in Rio de Janeiro (2/1)

Did Madonna and her 23-year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz break up? Maybe. Madonna was allegedly seen making out with some old dude recently at the Kabbalah Centre in New York. Ha Ha Ha, what a whore! . . . wait a minute, that's actually sorta normal. Weird. From journalist Ian Halperin's blog ianundercover:

One extreme to the other - Madge won’t have it any other way. People at the Kabbalah center were in shock the other day when they caught Madonna making out with a man who appeared to be in his mid seventies. Sources close to the singer said the Material Girl is tired of dating “shallowless toy boys”. The older man, a retired Wall Street exec, has been a regular at the center for almost 20 years, according to one of the centers’ longtime practitioners. “They’re definitely an item,” the source confirmed.

If Madonna really was making out with someone who appeared to be well into their retirement years, that can only mean she was kissing one person: Hugh Hefner Lindsay Lohan. In all seriousness though, someone so old shouldn't be participating in such a dangerous activity. It's a well-documented fact that there is only one thing more hazardous to your health than locking lips with Madonna: driving a Toyota.

Madonna wants another baby . . . naturally

And I don't mean the adoption way. I mean the natural way. Ay dios mio! From The Sun:

Broody Madonna is trying for a baby with her toyboy lover Jesus Luz. Brazilian Jesus, who at 22 is less than half Madge's age, has told her that becoming a father would be "his greatest adventure".

She is said to have agreed he would make a "fantastic dad" and told friends: "I have endless love in my heart for another child."

A close pal, who calls Madonna by her preferred nickname Em, said: "Em says motherhood is her greatest achievement and the most fulfilling thing in her life. She knows that, at 51, it's going to be harder to conceive naturally. But she is Olympic-athlete fit and is ready for the challenge."

I didn't even know a uterus could still work at 51. I thought once you hit 40, it just sorta sealed up like an old abandoned cave. Dammit I knew I shouldn't have went to medical school in Florida.

Madonna leaving the Kabbalah Centre in London (10/24)

I don't care what anyone says, being 15-years-older than your future mother-in-law is perfectly normal. From RadarOnline:

That was exactly what Madonna, 51, faced when she stepped off her private jet in Rio de Janeiro November 9 after flying there to meet Cristiane Regina da Silva, 36, mom of the singer's model boyfriend Jesus Luz.

Christina was only 13 when she had Jesus.

The Material Mom would have been understandably on edge about meeting Jesus’ mother and his father Luis Heitor Pinto da Luz as rumors swirl that the pair could soon be getting engaged.

A family insider told a London newspaper, “Madonna really does love and need Jesus and she does not hold all the power in the relationship. He wants to marry and be taken seriously.”

Jesus' mother had him when she was only 13? Damn, that means she probably became pregnant at 12. If that's the case, it can only mean one thing: his dad might be R. Kelly! Fucking awesome! It's obvious now why Madonna's so attracted to Jesus -- he comes from the only family that's more dysfunctional than hers.

Madonna and Jesus Luz leaving the Prado Museum in Madrid, Spain (7/24)

I really don't see what the big deal is about Madonna's boyfriend getting an allowance. He washes the dishes, takes out the trash, and mows the lawn. How else is he supposed to get compensated? From In Touch Weekly:

Madonna’s boy toy, Jesus Luz, knows it pays to stick close to the Material Girl. According to a friend, Jesus, 23, put his modeling career on hold in order to accompany Madonna around the world — and that move is definitely paying off. “Jesus basically lived paycheck to paycheck before he met Madonna, and he, like most people, had bills,” a friend explains. But now, his money worries are a thing of the past. “Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover his expenses, including his cell phone, insurance and credit card payments,” adds the pal. The 51-year-old star is also rumored to have decided to buy Jesus a $2.7 million apartment in New York.

It makes sense that Madonna would give her boyfriend an allowance -- he's at that age where he needs to start learning about money and responsibility. And for Jesus, what a deal! $10,000/month definitely beats what he used to make on his old paper route ($4/hour). Of course the question you have to ask yourself loyal Celebslam reader is, "What would it take for YOU to sleep with Madonna?" For starters, I'd suggest a liter of whiskey, a body condom, and a blindfold.

Jesus Luz and Madonna at the Met Costume Institute Gala in New York (5/4)

I don't know how much Madonna is paying her boyfriend to say this shit but it's not enough. He needs a raise, like, yesterday. From the Daily Mail:

Jesus Luz has spoken for the first time about his on/off lover Madonna, saying she is 'beautiful' and has 'no visible faults'. In an interview with Brazilian television, the model heaped praise on the singer, but insisted they are just friends.

He said: "Madonna is beautiful, a person full of positive energy, with no visible faults. I found her marvelous. Her personality also impressed me. She is a person I admire a lot, a friend in my life, who I remain in contact with. But apart from that I cannot say more."

Madonna "beautiful"? I'm no doctor, but it sounds as if Jesus has caught a case of AnnaNicoleSmithitis. It's a fairly common disease typically found in the Southern California region. Symptoms include: dating someone more than twice your age, confusing a wealthy person's bank account with their appearance, and convincing one's self that they still have a soul. Fortunately for those that have become infected, there is one known remedy: their partner's funeral service.

Madonna and Jesus Luz leaving the KabbalahCentre in New York (2/28)

Madonna was spotted with ex-boyfriend Jesus Luz earlier this week in New York, fueling speculation that the two are a couple again. That or Madonna adopted him. He is ten, right? From The Sun: 

[Madonna and Luz] tucked into some Italian nosh at Morandi before leaving separately, only to link up once more in the back of Madge's waiting car. Earlier in the evening, they were seen leaving the Kabbalah center, once again avoiding being pictured together.

The pair have yet to confirm whether or not they are still an item, but the Brazilian model is certainly a dab hand at perking up his reported missus following her recent adoption woe.

How does a woman who's infatuated with Kabbalah (an offshoot of the Jewish religion) become so obsessed with a guy named Jesus? You'd think she'd be more interested in dudes named Moses, Mordachai, or Doctor. The sad thing is that Madonna's recent dating and adoption woes could have been avoided if she'd just done a little better job at planning . . . or as I like to call it, "The Woody Allen Method."

Jesus Luz leaving the Kabbalah Centre in New York (3/7)

Madonna is not gonna be happy after she hears this. Her boyfriend, 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz, was seen canoodling with -- *gasp* -- a woman who is only ten years older than him! From The Sun:

Brazilian Jesus, 22, was seen tenderly clasping lingerie model Luciana Costa as they swayed to the music in his home city of Rio. Jesus, wearing a jaunty hat, held 31-year-old Luciana close and whispered in her ear — and onlookers claimed they started kissing. Madonna, 50, was nowhere in sight when Jesus arrived at the bash on Saturday night.

One reveller said: "Jesus was the hit of the party and all the girls went wild for him when he arrived. But Luciana was more interested than most and soon got hold of him for a dance."

Another added: "They danced together very close lots of times. He whispered things in her ear, grabbed her hand, put his hand around her waist. He’d had a little to drink and it seemed clear he was after something." (Source)

No big deal. Madonna was gonna dump Jesus anyway. He's getting too old for her. With the way she's running around the country, Madonna needs to find a few 18 or 19-year-olds to suck the youthful souls out of. Mmmmmm, delicious youthful souls.