Jessica Simpson to fill Paula Abdul's seat on American Idol? In a move some are describing as "perfect" and others (me) as "please let this happen," Jessica Simpson may find herself as a judge on the next season of
American Idol. From the
New York Post:
WE HEAR . . . THAT Jessica Simpson is being pushed to the producers of "American Idol" by her father/manager Joe Simpson as the perfect replacement for Paula Abdul.
Please let this happen. I've always wanted to win
American Idol but can't sing worth a lick. With Jessica as a judge (and my secret weapon: sequins), I might actually have a chance. "I know that other girl sounded like Whitney Houston, but Nick has all those shiny things on his jacket. I sure do love shiny things!"
Jessica Simpson leaving Katsuya restaurant in Hollywood (8/1)
It's been scientifically proven that only good things happen when chicks with huge tits drink too much. I guess Tony Romo
fucking hates science. From
Fox News:
Romantic relations between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo appear to be absolutely done and dusted, but according to insiders, the surprise break-up was largely a result of peer pressure from Romo’s pals and Jess’s love of adult beverages.
"Jessica would get really drunk and obnoxious, it was out of control. She would be sprawled everywhere with he head on his lap and the look on Tony’s face said it all," an insider told Tarts. "He was so embarrassed in front of all the guys and his teammates were really harsh on him over it. Breaking up was a really hard decision for Tony to make."
We’re also told that the Dallas Cowboy really did love the pop princess and "fought for her" with his skeptical friends, but in the end, it got to a point where it just didn’t make sense for him to stay in the relationship.
When you have tits like Jessica, that's basically a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to doing stupid things in a relationship. Wrecked my car? No big deal. Broke my TV? Meh, it was only 60 inches. Lost my dog? I'll just get another one. I can't believe she still somehow fucked this up. I think the conclusion here is a pretty obvious one: Tony Romo hates hot tits. I knew it. I never trusted that dude.
Jessica Simpson leaving Beso restaurant in West Hollywood (8/5)
Jessica Simpson has gone on a hunger strike since her split with Tony Romo. It took only two drinks to turn her into a drunken, rumbling, bumbling, stumbling mess last week at Beso. From the
New York Post:
Celebrating her hairstylist Ken Paves' birthday Wednesday night at Beso in Hollywood, "[Jessica] didn't eat much, because she's been dieting since her split from Tony Romo," said our source. So after two drinks, the 5-foot-3 star "got tipsy really fast." Photos show a bleary, but svelte, Simpson holding onto Paves as they exited.
The fact that Jessica's head was spinning after only two cocktails isn't that surprising when you consider that one of them was a roofie-colada and the other was a book without pictures. It's too bad that most chicks at bars don't get drunk after just two drinks. It'd be a win-win situation for everybody involved: I wouldn't have to spend so much money on booze and they wouldn't have to waste their time listening to me lie.
John Mayer and Jessica Simpson in 2007 John Mayer just happened to be at the same restaurant as Jessica Simpson Saturday night (the
same night she got shitfaced). Gee, what a coincidence -- *makes blowjob motion with hand* -- A source told
OK! magazine:
"John was in the studio, which is near Katsuya, that night. And like he does most nights — like he did again on Sunday night — he went by Katsuya when he took a break from a 12-hour day in the studio.
"He said hello and he hung out a little bit but he left separately. He’s really good friends with Jess’ brother-in-law Pete Wentz; he sees Ashlee a lot… It’s not out of the ordinary that he sees them and goes over and hangs out for a while. They’ve always been friendly. They’re still friendly, but that’s it."
Honestly, there's probably nothing going on here. I can't even tell you how many times I've run into one of my ex-girlfriends on accident. "Oh, fancy running into you here . . . in your own bedroom closet." Awk-ward.
Jessica Simpson leaving Katsuya restaurant in Hollywood (8/1)
VH1 is getting taken to the cleaners by Jessica Simpson --
catering costs are spiraling out of control on her new reality series. From the
New York Post:
VH1 just found out how high "The Price of Beauty" can be. Jessica Simpson is scheduled to start shooting the new show next week and travel to seven countries examining exotic beauty regimens. But VH1 isn't happy with her budget. "To get her camera-ready each episode will cost $25,000," said our source. "She insists on using her own hair, makeup and fashion stylists, who are more expensive than J.Lo's."
On a serious note, if Jessica really wants her show to be a huge success, she needs to shoot it without wearing make-up . . . or a bra. She could probably smear animal feces on her face and her show would still get phenomenal ratings as long as she did jumping jacks. So let this be an important lesson to all of you impressionable young girls out there: guys don't care how much time you spend on your eyeliner -- just make sure your tits bounce when you walk.
Jessica Simpson leaving Katsuya restaurant in Hollywood (8/1)
At the "
Tony's An Asshole, I Never Liked Him Anyways Jessica, You Should Have Broken Up With Him Summit 2009" at Katsuya on Saturday night, Jessica Simpson partook in one too many sake bombs and basically had to be carried out by her sister Ashlee. At one point, her boob almost fell out (see
here and
here) so that was pretty cool. Elsewhere, some hot chick at a club in Dallas begged Tony Romo to let her blow him and he finally relented. Advantage: Tony.
No Jessica, you're supposed to ask someone else to smell your finger Native American groups are up in arms today after Jessica Simpson (pictured above leaving a gym in West Hollywood yesterday) told TMZ cameras earlier this week that she would never take back
the boat she bought ex-boyfriend Tony Romo for his birthday because she's not an "Indian giver." Jacqueline L. Pata, executive director of the National Congress of American Indians, told
Us Weekly:
The concept of Indians giving and sharing with one another is where the term originated, she explains, but has somehow morphed into an insensitive phrase that stereotypes Native people as ones who give and then take back.
"Most people flippantly use the comment 'Indian giver' without realizing its true meaning, Pata tells Us.
Pata says Simpson's latest gaffe could be "a good chance to educate people not to stereotype Native Americans by using a comment this is both incorrect in the way most people use it, and culturally insensitive to Native people."
Clearly some sort of apology on Jessica's part is in order here. I think it'd be a nice gesture to throw a party for all the Indians she offended and give them as much white man firewater as they can handle. Wait, that was offensive wasn't it. Aw dammit, I'm no good at this. I should have stuck to my original joke about eagle feathers and shiny beads . . . aw dammit again.
NOTE: In Jessica's defense, she thought the phrase referred to the Cleveland Indians.
Tony Romo out and about in West Hollywood (1/9)
Us Weekly claims today that Tony Romo was carrying on an "emotional affair" with a
piece-of-ass 22-year-old months before he dumped Jessica Simpson. From the magazine:
Jessica Simpson exuberantly announced Tony Romo -- "the man who loves me!" -- was at her Feb. 6 concert.
Backstage that night, Romo would introduce her to Natalie Smith, a younger, skinnier look-alike of the singer, who, multiple sources tell Us Weekly, he had been sending "flirty texts" to for months while still dating Simpson.
Multiple sources tell Us that Romo was having an emotional affair with Smith months before dumping Simpson on July 9, the eve of her 29th birthday.
Adds another pal of Smith, who typically dined with Romo when he'd visit his college town: "They've always flirted and texted each other. They had phone conversations one to two months before the breakup."
Emotional cheating? Please tell me this is a joke. I guess I should feel guilty this morning around my girlfriend since I emotionally fucked Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox last night. I'm surprised the chick who wrote this article -- make no mistake, a woman
definitely wrote this article -- was even able to finish it in time, what with her busy schedule of burning her bra at rallies.
Jessica Simpson in LA (7/28)
Call me crazy, but maybe Jessica Simpson should have started this whole "I'll show him -- I'll lose weight" crusade
before she got dumped by Tony Romo. From
OK! magazine:
"Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my old body back,'" a friend of the singer reveals in the new issue of OK!. "She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.
"Jess is serious about getting her body back into fighting shape. Working out is helping to give her focus and clear her head. It’s better than sitting around moping or throwing pity parties with ice cream sundaes. She doesn’t want to give anyone more reason to not take her seriously. She’s tired of weight being a talking point."
Did you catch that line? "She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out." She
started to clear it out. She didn't even finish. With a trash bag. Holy shit, her kitchen must have looked like a fucking 7-Eleven.
Jessica Simpson wants Tony Romo back Jessica Simpson's taking the high road in her split with Tony Romo . . . just kidding, she's begging him to take her back. Everyone wave goodbye to Jessica's dignity. From the
Chicago Sun Times:
Poor Jessica Simpson is having a tough time getting over being dumped by Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Supposedly Simpson's parents have advised her to get counseling -- especially since Jessica has reportedly begged Romo to take her back.
Don't count on that. The NFL star is totally done with his ex-girlfriend, tired of her ''neediness,'' said a longtime Romo team pal Wednesday.
Since Tony's through with Jessica, I'm assuming he won't be needing the child safety covers for his electrical outlets anymore. If you're in the market for 50 or so of those things, give him a call -- *cough*audrinapatridgesboyfriend*cough* -- I'm sure he'll cut you a great deal.
