Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson leaving her hotel in New York (11/30)

MY CAPTION: It's official: Jessica Simpson's tits are now bigger than her brain.

YOUR CAPTION: Leave it in the comments . . .

*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, December 1

Jessica Simpson (and Ashlee Simpson) leaving the Crosby Hotel in New York (pics start here)

Shauna Sand out and about in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Jessica Lowndes filming 90210 at a park in Torrance (pics start here)

Sandra Bullock leaving an office building in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Emma Roberts shopping at Sunset Plaza in Hollywood (pics start here)

Kelly Brook arriving to the Cointreau Prive Pop-Up Bar held at The Pigalle Club in London (pics start here)

Katie Holmes leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Isla Fisher dropping her daughter off at school in L.A. (pics start here)

Jon Hamm on the set of Mad Men in L.A. (pics start here)

Dita Von Teese at the Cointreau Prive Pop-Up Bar held at The Pigalle Club in London (pics start here)

Bradley Cooper out and about in Paris (pics start here)

Angela Simmons is seen shopping in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Hilary Duff leaving Mastro's steakhouse in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Jessica Biel arriving at Heathrow Airport from L.A. (pics start here)

Khloe Kardashian leaving a gym in L.A. (pics start here)

Neve Campbell leaving an office building in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

*141 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson's overeating finally pays off

Jessica Simpson is on the verge of signing a $4 million deal with Weight Watchers. 4 million, coincidentally, is the same number of calories she's eaten over the past year (for you people bad at math: yes, that's a lot). From Us Weekly:

Jessica Simpson is in talks with Weight Watchers for a $4 million deal to shed pregnancy pounds, Us Weekly has exclusively learned. Simpson -- engaged to ex-NFL star Eric Johnson -- had initially intended to sign with the company to lose weight she had gained over the past few years.

"But then she got pregnant," says the source. "So this was the perfect compromise."

Under the contract, Simpson would have one year to use the point-counting program to "lose a significant amount of weight," says the insider. She's then show off her results in ads for the company -- much like current spokeswoman Jennifer Hudson.

If I were Weight Watchers or Eric Johnson, I'd throw in a breach of contract penalty. Well, maybe not Eric Johnson. I mean, talk about a lucky break. If it wasn't for Tony Romo's scraps, Eric would be pumping gas in the Philippines right now. Anyway, I'm sure that Simpson will lose the weight in a year, but on the 366th day she'll gain it all back. All of it. All on the same day. Probably all in the same Cheesecake Factory. But hey, even if she does and Johnson does what we all know he'll do eventually ("It's not you, Jessica, it's me . . ."), she'll find another overrated NFL quarterback who lives on potential but has never shown it. Michael Vick is in between convictions, maybe he'll be next in line.

*10 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving Bergdorf Goodman in New York (10/24)

I'm just gonna throw this out there -- maybe Jessica Simpson should be taking the stairs? Just maybe? From the New York Daily News:

Jessica Simpson needs her space, and not just because of her growing belly. A source tells us the pregnant 31-year-old singer refused to ride in the elevator with a well-dressed patron at the upscale Rita Hazan salon in midtown East late last month. According to the insider, Simpson, who has been getting her locks colored by Hazan for years, saw the woman making a bee-line for the lift in which she and her entourage stood. Simpson quickly made sure the door closed before the other woman could enter, said the witness.

Another source says it’s a well-known fact in the building that Simpson does not allow outside parties to ride in the elevator with her and her handlers “for privacy reasons.” A spokeswoman for Simpson did not respond by deadline.

Of course the Queen needs her privacy -- she needed to make her weekly creepy call to Tony Romo. It's embarrassing for royalty like Jessica Simpson to grovel in public. Remember, legend has it that Romo dumped Jessica because she farted during Easter dinner. It was a seafood fart heard by everyone -- which is amazing because they were in a Taco Bell parking lot. Customers and employees actually heard it through walls and closed doors. That's how loud it was. True story.

*20 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson flipping off the paparazzi at LAX airport (10/28)

Jessica Simpson is having some really insane cravings while pregnant: fruit. But wait a minute, fruit isn't fried. I'm so confused. From People:

[Jessica Simpson] says she no longer likes pizza because it now "tastes sour" - has become obsessed with a particular fruit. But she insists the tasty melon of choice be prepared a certain way.

"I crave cantaloupe like a crazy person," Simpson told PEOPLE on Tuesday while promoting a skincare line. "But I put salt all over it, so I don't know if it's that healthy. I crave anything salty and sweet. That mixture to me is so good. I can eat a whole cantaloupe in one morning."

Cantaloupe? Really? I'm calling bullshit. Jessica, if you want Pizza Hut and Domino's to fight over your endorsement, play them against each other -- not against healthy food. But I wouldn't bother since we all know that you're gonna eat pizza like . . . well . . . like Jessica Simpson eats pizza. Sorry, I can't find a metaphor to represent Jessica's eating habits. Hell, at least great white sharks stop feeding when they get their fill. Eric, remember that if you get bit, don't be afraid that Jessica wants to eat you. That's just how she tests food. She'll shake you about, then most likely let you go and swim away.

*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving her hotel in Manhattan (10/25)

The reason you haven't seen a flashy People cover announcing Jessica Simpson's pregnancy is because, well, no one really cares. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Jessica Simpson reportedly is telling friends and close associates she has been “stunned” by the relative lack of interest the celebrity magazines have in her increasingly obvious pregnancy. First of all, since it seems clear the actress and singer is expecting, no major publication has any plans to pay Simpson anything near the $500,000 she was asking for the “exclusive” story.

“It also doesn’t help that the baby’s father is her fiance [former NFL player Eric Johnson], a guy nobody really cares about either,” said a top New York magazine exec.

Newsflash Jessica. No one is paying for stories about your pregnancy because no one's been able to tell the difference. Pregnancies are supposed to last nine months, not nine years. Besides, if Jessica really wants to generate attention about this pregnancy, she needs to stop trying to focus everyone's attention on her belly and start getting people to notice her tits -- which shouldn't be too difficult since those sweater puppies are about to turn into sweater Marmadukes.

*25 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson arriving for a flight at LAX airport (10/23)

There's two ways to interpret this picture of Jessica Simpson at LAX on Sunday morning: 1. She's definitely pregnant, or 2. The Cinnabon kiosk just got cleaned the fuck out.

*20 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson arriving at LAX (10/10)

Jessica Simpson hasn't even confirmed that she's pregnant yet, but In Touch Weekly somehow already knows that she's having a girl. That's some crazy shit. They should play the lottery.

The moment Jessica Simpson discovered she was pregnant was one of the happiest of her life. But nothing could compare to Jessica’s joy after finding out that she and fiancé Eric Johnson are going to be parents to a beautiful baby girl.

"She’s telling people it’s like winning the lottery, twice,” a friend tells In Touch exclusively. “She and Eric are both so happy."

"He’s telling pals that his daughter will be a daddy’s girl," the friend says, revealing that Eric has already ordered pink bubblegum cigars to hand out when the baby arrives.

Sorry Jessica, you already "won the lottery, twice": it's called your left boob and your right boob. As a matter of fact, it's the kid that's actually the big winner here since it's going to be eating like a king. The reality is that Jessica's probably going to have such a hard time weening her daughter off of boobs, she'll wind up becoming a lesbian -- which is obviously not a big deal. As long as she's not ugly. *ew* That's just gross.

*8 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson's wedding is off

Last month a source told Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson and fiancé Eric Johnson were postponing their wedding ("Everything is up in the air"). Apparently "postpone" has been upgraded to "cancel." A family insider told the National Enquirer:

"This should be the happiest, most joyous time of Jessica's life, but instead she's miserable. She and Eric are just not happy together, and they've agreed to put off their wedding. Eric's feeling like an outcast with Jessica, and her family fears he's using her as a meal ticket. Jessica's parents, Tina and Joe, are worried she'll wind up like her younger sister Ashlee -- a single mom raising a child in a broken home.

"Jessica cries at the drop of a hat, and when he tries to soothe her, she pushes him away and says she doesn't want to be touched. They've been putting on a brave face in public, but the relationship is falling apart." (Print Edition - 10/17)

It sounds like Eric may have finally come to grips with the famous words once spoken by the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius: "胖女孩都喜歡輕便摩托車。他們乘坐的樂趣，但你不希望你的朋友看到你" ("Fat girls are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one") . . . or maybe it was Plato that said that. Either way, one thing's for certain: If Jessica's family think Eric's using their relationship as a "meal ticket," Jessica's apparently using it as an "all-you-can-eat buffet."

*11 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson at LAX airport for a flight to New Orleans (10/7)

"I'm buying a Cinnabon...at the airport...I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from you can say 'Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever so I should eat right now.' But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fuckin' eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife." -- Louis C.K.

*43 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery: