Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson are married
So Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson finally got married. The two tied the knot at the San Ysidro Ranch outside Santa Barbara on Saturday in front of 250 people, including Jessica Alba and Topher Grace. Damn, my fantasy has always been to drunkingly hook up with Jessica Alba at a wedding. Sucks I didn't get an invite. The couple told People
"We are overwhelmed with complete happiness and love having made our eternal commitment. To say 'I do' in front of family, friends and, most importantly, our children has been the happiest moment of our lives."
The day before the ceremony, Jessica and Eric hosted a huge 4th of July party at the resort with dancing, karaoke, horseshoes, croquet, and hide the salami. I'll give you one guess which game Joe Simpson dominated.E!
A source said Jessica helped herself to the delicious food, saying, "I worked my ass off!" She added that she can't wait to chill a little after the big day and eat a little more than she has been.
Oh God I'm scared. This will not end well. This will not. End. Well.*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson arriving on a flight at JFK airport in New York
: Jessica Simpson at JFK Airport, shortly after pulling a 747 across the runway. I mean, right? That's why she was at the airport, right?
*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson leaving Warwick nightclub in West Hollywood
Jessica Simpson had to be helped out of Warwick nightclub in West Hollywood last night. But really, it's not her fault. I mean, you're totally fine after 16 shots, and then that 17th one sorta just sneaks up on you and suddenly you don't know the difference between "there," "their," and "they're." So basically, every day is a 17-shot-day for Jessica.*30 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson celebrating Memorial Day
10" platform wedges . . . lack of oxygen from sucking in stomach . . . rock hard slate patio . . . nope, don't see anything that could possibly go wrong here.
*4 Jessica Simpson swimsuit pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson catching a flight at Washington Dulles Airport
Turns out that carrying the equivalent of a piano on your back for years does wonders for muscle tone, because Jessica Simpson's legs are absolutely ripped now. Cool. I hope Jessica Alba gains 100 pounds so her legs can be ripped in five years, too. Actually, no, no, I don't want that to happen at all.
*30 Jessica Simpson legs pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson outside the John Varvatos store in West Hollywood
Here's Jessica Simpson on her way to the Annual Stuart House Benefit in West Hollywood on Sunday. Sure she's probably doubling down on the Spanx, but she is definitely looking less round. It just goes to show that with a team of personal trainers and chefs, and the motivation of a seven figure deal with Weight Watchers
, you can accomplish anything in life. What an inspiration. That one schoolgirl
from Afghanistan has nothing on her. BRING IT!UPDATE
: Joe Simpson just flapped his wrists around and tweeted that Jessica is looking FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS!
*33 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson arriving for a flight at LAX airport
Since my sole reason for living is to document Jessica Simpson's weight fluctuations, here she is at LAX yesterday looking a bit slimmer. Looks like Weight Watchers is working . . . caveat: if she actually showed up to LAX for a flight. In the past she's been known to stop by the airport just for the "Jonah Hill Special" at Cinnabon (two large Cinnabons, a large Mochalatta Chill with extra whipped cream, and an overwhelming feeling of self-hatred). Don't do it, Jessica. Resist that crack icing.
*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:
Paparazzi photos from Tuesday, January 7
arriving on a flight at JFK airport in New York (pics start here
Actor Johnny Galecki
(The Big Bang Theory
) and his girlfriend, actress Kelli Garner
, in Cabo San Lucas (pics start here
arriving at Craig's Restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here
driving his classic Chevy El Camino in Malibu (pics start here
at Whole Foods in Beverly Hills (pics start here
leaving the Bel-Bambini baby boutique in West Hollywood (pics start here
arriving for a flight at LAX airport (pics start here
shopping in Beverly Hills (pics start here
out and about in New York (pics start here
on her way to a nail salon in Los Feliz (pics start here
leaving an office building in Venice Beach (pics start here
leaving her home in London (pics start here
*119 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:
Jessica Simpson hearts tantric sex
Jessica Simpson is getting into some freaky sex stuff. She's signed up for weekly tantric sex therapy sessions with her fiance Eric Johnson. Which would be incredibly hot to fantasize about if it was 2003 (like above) instead of 2013. An insider told the National Enquirer
"Jessica and Eric are incredibly in sync, but practicing tantric sex has brought them even closer. While it sounds like it's all about sex, tantra is more about intimacy and also has a spiritual element.
"It's more like a yoga session mixed with couples' therapy. They do breathing exercises and then the therapist encourages them to discuss their sexual fantasies. Jessica says it's helped them open up in ways that she never imagined."
Wait, didn't I do this story already? I remember it was much dirtier, though. Oh no wait, that was the dirty porn star
and her fiance who used to be a rapper. But unfortunately, now the fat celebrity wants to get in on the "too much information" routine. No one needs to know that Jessica enjoys getting pounded as much as she enjoys pounding cheeseburgers into her neck-hole, but in her world she has to stay relevant to the soccer moms who still buy her trailer trash fashion line. The tantric sex therapy sounds like horseshit to me, btw. In my professional opinion, if Jessica needed to hire a sex therapist then it looks like that Eric can't get it up for fat chicks -- even super rich ones like chubby over there. My suggestion? Save the money on the dick doctor and hire yourself a personal trainer.*30 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:
Paparazzi photos from Saturday, November 23 and Sunday, November 24
at a meet and greet at Dillard's inside NorthPark Mall in Dallas (pics start here
Model Tashie Jackson
leaving Novikov restaurant in London (pics start here
arriving at a gym in L.A. (pics start here
at the Australian premiere of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
in Sydney (pics start here
jogging in Studio City (pics start here
and her husband Gavin Rossdale
taking their sons to Travel Town Museum at Griffith Park in L.A. (pics start here
at a book signing at Barnes and Noble at The Grove in Hollywood (pics start here
leaving a gym in L.A. (pics start here
sneaks out of Mastro's Steakhouse in Beverly Hills (pics start here
out and about in London (pics start here
out for breakfast in Beverly Hills (pics start here
) leaving The Brentwood Country Mart (pics start here
*105 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery: