Jessica Simpson at the AT&T National pro-am event in Washington, D.C. (7/1)
You know, sometimes I think Celebslam focuses too much on "guy stuff" like boobs and hot chicks in bikinis and boobs. I'm totally ignoring the interests of my female readers -- e.g. I never talk about cute outfits, hair, or makeup. Well that's gonna change starting with these pics of Jessica Simpson. Did she add highlights? She looks great.
NOTE: I'll give you one guess as to who
this dude beat off to last night.
Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo out and about in Hollywood (4/11)
Jessica Simpson is great at gift-giving. She bought her boyfriend Tony Romo a freaking boat. Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have spurned her advances last year! From the
National Enquirer via the
San Francisco Chronicle:
Jessica Simpson gave boyfriend Tony Romo a nautical 28th birthday last month -- she treated the football star to a $100,000 speedboat. The singer unveiled the gift at a special party at the pair's Dallas, Texas, home, reports the National Enquirer. And the Dallas Cowboys quarterback was delighted with the custom-made gift.
A source tells the tabloid, "Jessica knows that Tony has always wanted a boat. (She's) hoping that her birthday gift will lead to marriage, and by this time next year she'll be walking down the aisle with him."
Giving a guy an unexpected present is all it takes to get him to walk you down the aisle? Tell that to Jamie Lynn Spears' uterus. Obviously Jessica hasn't learned the most valuable lesson there is about relationships: you can't buy a man's love, you have to earn it . . . with BJs. Lots and lots of BJs. The second most important lesson: shhhhhhhhhhh.
Jessica Simpson performing at the "Bud & BBQ" festival in San Antonio (5/9)
Jessica Simpson is pitching a reality show to networks where she would travel the country, tackling various eating challenges at restaurants (e.g. "Finish this 72 ounce steak dinner and it's free"). Oh wait, I think I just described
Man v. Food on the Travel Channel. Oops. Jessica's idea is a little different. From
Us Weekly:
Jessica recently visited some TV networks to pitch a reality series about society's scrutiny of women's bodies. The premise of the program, titled The Price of Beauty: "She and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why," says a source. The insider continues that the onetime Newlyweds star, 28, will be hands-on with the show -- and will even try some of the "shocking things that women do to make themselves beautiful. Picture Fear Factor."
If Jessica wants a show that's sure to be picked up by the networks, she better skip the philosophical "society's scrutiny of women's bodies" bullshit and pitch a series the general public actually wants to see:
Jumping Jacks with Jessica Simpson. If I wanted to see a buxom moron babble incoherently I'd tune into "Daisy of Love" or Nancy Pelosi's last press conference.
Jessica Simpson at the Dixon May Fair in Sacramento (5/8)
Jessica Simpson put on a vintage performance last Friday in Sacramento that
even Amy Winehouse would have been proud of. From the
San Francisco Chronicle:
Jessica Simpson was left lost for words again onstage in California on Friday night when she forgot the lyrics to her song "Remember That." The pop star famously flubbed her Dolly Parton tribute song at the Kennedy Center Honors in Washington, D.C. in 2006 and then twice this year forgot the words to the same song she mangled on Friday.
She tried to play down the gaffe with humor, telling the audience, "I always forget this," adding "I didn't write it." The singer then joked, "It just comes with the whole Jessica Simpson thing."
If Jessica doesn't want to be publicly humiliated by forgetting the lyrics to a song, she should just do what her sister did:
lip sync fade into obscurity. You have to admit though, forgetting the words to a song titled "Remember That" is pretty ironic. Also ironic? That I'm a vegetarian but rock the shit out of my cheetah print undies on a near daily basis. Just kidding, that's kind of gross -- I actually do eat animals.
Jessica Simpson performing at the "Bud & BBQ" festival in San Antonio (5/9)
I don't mean twin babies. I mean twin racks of ribs. Clearly she polished off two full racks before performing at the "Bud & BBQ" festival in San Antonio on Saturday. She named the rack she ate with her left hand "four minutes" and the one she ate with her right "three and a half minutes."
Bouncy Bouncy That headline's actually not a joke. Jessica made the revelation in a interview in June's
Vanity Fair:
We met in the Polo Lounge, the restaurant off the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel, in Los Angeles. She was wearing a dark, fedora-like hat pulled low. She told me it’s part of her fashion line, which is on racks in Macy’s, Nordstrom, and Dillard’s, and which, she said, is the most lucrative part of her career. "The Jessica Simpson Collection is a $400 million business," she said. "My mom and I are creative directors. We have hundreds of people working, but nothing gets by us. It’s adorable and it’s affordable. What’s amazing right now, during this recession, is that, somehow, the business keeps growing."
If you're one of the "hundreds of people" working for the Jessica Simpson Collection, how freaked out are you right now reading about how hands-on Jessica is with the company? I mean, there is a very real possibility that you show up for work this morning only to find out that the entire company was sold over the weekend to Japanese investors for a handful of shiny beads and a talking parrot.
Jessica Simpson in Lake Tahoe last year Remember when Jessica Simpson's dad Joe told
GQ this in 2004:
"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got DOUBLE Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!"
Not wanting to be left out on the daughter boob talk, Jessica's mom Tina
twittered this to Ashlee on Tuesday:
@AshSimpsonWentz. Driving home in my GWagon with Jess...both are fast and top heavy!
7:48 PM Apr 14th from Yatca
What's wrong with this family? If it isn't Jessica's dad ogling her tits, it's her mom. Boasting about a girl's chest isn't something that's done by a responsible parent -- it's done by a boyfriend or neighbor with a telescopic lens. And since when has Jessica Simpson become "fast"? If I remember correctly, she waited until she was married to put out. In my book, that isn't GWagon "fast," that's Geo Metro slow.
CONFIRMED: Jessica Simpson has nipples That's Jessica Simpson flashing a bit of her nipple Saturday night while leaving Beso restaurant in Hollywood. In Jessica's defense, she did recently convert from velcro to "really hard" buttons on her shirts. Buttoning the entire thing up is asking a but much from her. It's the equivalent of me asking you to explain string theory only using pieces of fruit.
NOTE: To see the uncensored pics, click the headline pic (or
thumbnails) and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or
bottom of the image.
Jessica Simpson bikini pics! (Cabo San Lucas - 4/2)
If you're Jessica Simpson and you're on vacation where you know there's gonna be a ton of paparazzi, why the hell would you cover up the one part of your body (read: your rack) that can still drive tabloid sales? Answer: Because you're a fucking terrorist that's why. Shocked? I was too but that's the only explanation that makes sense. Honestly, I think more people have seen Bigfoot than a decent Jessica Simpson bikini pic
Jessica Simpson signing autographs at Dillards in Scottsdale, AZ (3/21)
I don't know how I missed this last week, but Jessica Simpson put on a rather classic performance last Saturday in Irvine. And by "classic" I mean she forget her lyrics. Her own. Her own lyrics. She forgot those. From the
San Francisco Chronicle:
The singer played her final gig as the support act on Rascal Flatts' Bob Your Head Tour in Irvine over the weekend, but her last show was dogged by mishaps as she forgot the lines to "Remember That" and "Still Don't Stop Me."
After getting the lyrics mixed up for "Remember That," a track about being in an abusive relationship, she told the crowd, "Oops! I said whiskey too early! I messed up! I'm so embarrassed! But I'm starting over again because I really want you guys to hear the lyrics the right way."
And she nervously giggled when she got the lines wrong during "Still Don't Stop Me," before saying: "I messed up again! I do this all the time!" (Source)
This shouldn't surprise anyone. When your sister can't even lip-sync properly, no one expects you to actually sing one . . . even if it is your own. Besides, people don't go to a Jessica Simpson concert to hear her sing. They go to
see these. If Jessica wants to start drawing bigger crowds she should stop singing all together and limit her shows to just one act: braless jumping jacks.
