Recently in Jessica Simpson Category

Gerard Butler dumps Jessica Simpson

Talk about a fall from grace. Jessica Simpson's been used, abused, and dumped by so many dudes that I'm pretty sure if I play my cards right, even I could bang her. The latest dumper? Gerard Butler (the two only met last month). From Betty Confidential:

So what went on between Jessica and Gerard? It was all too much, too soon. After just a couple of dates Jessica got too serious and, an insider says, Gerard ran — not walked — to the nearest exit.

“Jessica has a habit of getting too needy too soon, and she scares men away,” the pal tells BettyConfidential. “She’s desperate to not be alone and every guy she's dated since Nick complains about the same thing — she’s too needy.”

“After just three dates with Gerard, she was acting like a high school girl who was so into her boyfriend, while Gerard was treating it like a fling and telling pals how hot and sexy she was,” the insider says. “Jessica knew what he was saying about her, but didn’t care.”

Hopefully Jessica will realize soon that her tits will only take her so far in a relationship. Sure for the first couple of weeks, her new boyfriend must enjoy staring at them and giving her the occasional chili dog, but eventually that same guy will want to be with a girl whose head doesn't hurt every time she sees "words." The bottom line is that if Jessica really wants to settle down, she'll have to force herself to do something that no woman in a committed relationship has ever done: shut up pay for dinner oral.

Jessica Simpson at Heathrow Airport in London (10/10)

So remember how that producer dude of Melrose Place said it was the plan from the beginning to kill Ashlee Simpson off after 12 episodes? Turns out he was lying and the Simpson family is still a little pissed about it. Jessica ripped the show today on her twitter:

CW catching up on MP.who writes this crap?i have had bad scripts to work with,but this?thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press
about 13 hours ago from web

Jessica Simpson talking shit about someone else's writing is like Stephen Hawking talking shit about someone else's walking. God I love twitter. It's a fucking gold mine.

Jessica Simpson arriving to LAX airport (10/27)

You know the old saying about opposites attracting? Oh hey, guess who Jessica Simpson is attracted to? HINT: guys who aren't retarded. She told Extra:

"I like a confidant man . . . I definitely love a spiritual man -- somebody that is going to always inspire me. I don't want to get bored. I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men ... people that will always keep me intrigued."

Jessica added, "And intellectual men know how to open up Tylenol bottles. Boy those things get me frustrated. If I wanted to solve a puzzle, I'd buy one of those Sudoku books. Hey look, a tree!"

Jessica Simpson at the 8th Annual Operation Smile Gala held at The Beverly Hilton Hotel (10/2)

Jessica Simpson had no idea what the hell was going on Sunday night during her appearance on QVC. Wait a minute, whose idea was it to put Jessica Simpson on live television? Those two go together about as well as Roman Polanski and consensual sex. From the Kansas City Star:

Jessica truly did not score any points for herself Sunday night on QVC. (I saw it for myself because I spend way too much time watching QVC.)

Jessica was on to present one of her purses as the Today's Special Value, along with high heels and jewelry and hats and other things from her Jessica Simpson fashion line.

And I swear that she came off sounding like she didn't have a clue about what she was selling.

Sounds harsh? Well, consider that at one point she told QVC presenter Patti Reilly that "you know more about my bags than I do."

Oh lord.

A few minutes later Jessica's mom appeared on stage next to her to. My bet is that the QVC folks rushed mom out there to speak for her daughter because it quickly became clear who supplies the brains behind the line.

QVC's first mistake was bringing Jessica on to sell purses. Of course she fucked up, Jessica doesn't know about purses. If you're going to put her on live televison, you need to surround her with a product she's more comfortable with:

"Hi, I'm QVC host Rick Domeier, and for the next hour we'll be talking with Jessica Simpson about her love of cheesecake, specifially Junior's Authentic New York Cheesecake, Today's Special Value at only $31.40 . . . Jessica? Jessica! Quit eating those! Those are display cheesecakes! Dammit, they're not real! They're made of styrofoam! SECURITY!

Jessica Simpson at Ashlee Simpson's birthday party at Wet Republic in Las Vegas (10/3)

Gerard Butler probably nailed Jessica Simpson on Tuesday night. Cool. From the New York Post:

Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a date at Soho House Tuesday night, with friends including her hair stylist pal, Ken Paves, as chaperones. "They were at a table with friends, but Jessica and Gerard, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours," a spy told Page Six. "They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together, along with Ken."

Let's see here, A-list movie star at the top of his game, both looks and career-wise vs. Former B-list pop star divorcee with self-esteem issues whose best friend was just kidnapped and eaten by a coyote two months after she was dumped by her boyfriend a day before her birthday. This isn't even fair. It's almost too easy for Gerard. He needs to challenge himself, even out the odds the next time he sees Jessica. Smear feces all over himself, gain 200 pounds, constantly drop racial slurs, I don't know, something.

Jessica Simpson somewhere (10/13)

Judging by her facial expressions, would you guess that Jessica Simpson is at:

a) The Society for Industrial and Applied Mathematics (SIAM) 2009 Conference on Analysis of Partial Differential Equations

*or*

b) The Fashion Footwear Association of New York (FFaNY) 2009 Shoes on Sale Event, Presented by QVC

I'll post the answer tomorrow . . .

Jessica Simpson's dog eaten by coyotes

Jessica Simpson took to her Twitter yesterday in an effort to find her missing dog Daisy:

My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!

I don't know what kind of Disney movie Jessica is living in, but Daisy and the coyotes aren't skipping through the forests of Southern California right now, singing catchy songs and teaching lessons to children about sharing. In my world, when coyotes take dogs, they eat them 100% of the time. Sorry.

Jessica Simpson at the Ozlem Suer fashion show in Paris (9/4)

I don't know what took her so long but for the umpteenth god damn time, Jessica Simpson has gone crawling back to John Mayer. From In Touch Weekly:

. .  . an insider reveals that, in a state of desperation and loneliness, she’s been secretly hooking up with her ex John Mayer, who unceremoniously dumped her in 2007 after they dated for a year. “They’ve always had an amazing connection,” a business associate of Jessica’s tells In Touch. Ignoring her friends’ warnings that the notorious player will just use her and then break up with her again, Jessica has jumped headfirst into a relationship with the singer now that she and Tony, 29, split. “Jessica is kidding herself that her and John stand a chance,” says a source.

Celebslam presents: "A dramatic reenactment of Jessica Simpson and John Mayer's first meeting in two years"

John: "So, uh, you look, uh, different than the last time I saw you."

Jessica: "Oh thanks. I got my hair done the other day."

John: "That's not really what I -- Hey listen, do you want a sandwich or something? I can go make you one right now. I have a lot of food in the kitchen."

Jessica: "Nah."

John: "Some chili maybe?"

Jessica: "I'm not really hungry, but thanks for asking."

*awkward silence*

Jessica: "I like your place."

John: "Are you sure you don't want a sandwich?"

Jessica Simpson at the Ozlem Suer fashion show in Paris (9/4)

What the hell did Jessica Simpson ever do to gravity? I think it owes her a huge apology. Asshole.

The infamous chili cook-off pics taken in January

Tony Romo's arch nemesis! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN! From Star: