Jessica Biel looks pregnant
Jessica Biel was looking mighty pregnant last night as she left Whole Foods in West Hollywood. So is she pregnant? I don’t know, she’s never peed on me. Wait a minute . . . that came out wrong. I meant to say I’m not a pregnancy test. If she is pregnant though, I have the perfect Halloween costume for her: 34DDDius, the Greek God of pregnancy boobs.
[Flynet]
Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel leaving Hollywood Presbyterian Church (8/16)
[Flynet]
Jessica Biel is strong
It saddens me to read about these young celebrities not taking advantage of their fame and fortune to wake up next to a new girl every morning of the week. In Touch says
Justin Timberlake can no longer call his house a bachelor pad — he’s asked his girlfriend, Jessica Biel, to move in! “Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” an insider tells In Touch. “They’re both really excited.” But the 26-year-old actress is also hanging on to her own Brentwood, Calif., digs. “Jessica’s giving the house to her parents and brother because she doesn’t want to sell it,” the insider adds. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that he’s ready. “They’re definitely headed for marriage,” the insider says. “Moving in is just the beginning.”
It’s no surprise that Justin’s asking Jessica to move in — that new solid oak armoire he just bought ain’t moving itself! I just hope Jessica’s dietary habits don’t wear off on the poor guy. Because, after a week or two, it gets a little old having every meal comprised solely of protein shakes, creatine bars, and emasculation.
Feel the passion between them!
Dating for a little over a year, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s ass (I refuse to call her anything else) are reportedly eager to get married. And if we’re to believe reports that claim Jessica Biel’s ass has quit drinking, the marriage may be of the shotgun variety. A source told UK tabloid The Sun:
“Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with Madonna. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.” (Source)
I just don’t get today’s pop stars. You have millions of dollars in the bank, thousands of unspoiled, underage girls dying to get into your pants, and the youth to exploit those things for decades to come — why settle for one woman? When I become rich and famous, there’s only two chicks I’d settle down for: Brazil and Sweden.
[BauerGriffinOnline, WENN]
Jessica Biel “attacks” photographer
As Jessica Biel was leaving a yoga class in Santa Monica yesterday, she hit a photographer with her umbrella while yelling at him to “get a real job that does not involve stalking people.” Wait . . . you can get paid for stalking? Really? Dear fans, I regret to inform you that Celebslam will be on indefinite hiatus as of, uhhh, right now. Does anyone have ~20 feet of rope and a lockpick kit I can borrow?
INFDaily.com
Justin Timberlake is probably cheating on [girlfriend?] Jessica Biel. A spy witnessed the former boy bander flirting with another woman at an HBO party over the weekend in New York City. From today’s New York Post:
Spies spotted the notorious flirt “sitting with a bronze-skinned brunette with long brown hair all night at a cocktail table near the dance floor” at an HBO party on the roof of the Tribeca Grand. “They were obviously into each other,” said the spy. “It was just the two of them . . . he had no entourage at all.” Another source dished to us, “He is notorious. He will [bleep] anything.” (Source)
According to my awesome powers of deduction [bleep] means “fuck.” You know how I know that? Because Timberlake dated Cameron Diaz for like three years. THREE YEARS! I wouldn’t [bleep] that chick with your penis. Sure she looks great with makeup but then again so does my dog–especially with that rouge I like . . . what a little temptress.
I wouldn’t be wearing a shirt either if I was driving around with Jessica Biel. Or pants. You wouldn’t believe how hot it can get lying in wait in the trunk of a car.
Jessica Biel outside of her home on Wednesday
Handlers for both Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz are going out of their way to make sure the two actresses don’t run into each other at the MTV Movie Awards this Sunday. Earlier this year at a Golden Globes afterparty Diaz “screamed” at Biel after she saw the actress flirting with ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. A source told the New York Post that JT is making the situation harder since he won’t reveal who he’s walking down the red carpet with:
“It’s becoming a big deal because the girls both want very separate arrival times. Nobody knows who Cameron is going to bring, if anyone. But if Jessica walks with Justin, Cameron will want to bring a date. If Jessica goes alone, Cam will probably walk alone. It’s a mess.”
The biggest stars are usually the last to walk the carpet - a position both glam gals are fighting to snag. Diaz, who is accustomed to being at the top of the A-list, wants to avoid the “humiliation” of having an earlier arrival time than Biel at the MTV event.
“Cam is used to being more high-profile than Jessica,” said the source. “But now that Jessica’s dating Justin, she has more leverage. Cameron’s looking a little unstable lately.” (Source)
How stupid is Cameron Diaz? Has she never seen a picture of Jessica Biel in a bikini? She’s yoked. Buff. Ripped. However you want to put it. If she was a Playboy Playmate her likes would include flexing, protein powder, and outlifting you. In other words she would slaughter Cameron Diaz. It’d be worse than the time that team of Navy Seals took down the fort I built out of blankets and couch cushions.
