Jessica Biel

Justin Timeberlake and Jessica Biel on their way to see Skyfall in Manhattan's Union Square (11/11)

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have been married for about a month now, so I guess it's about time to start the divorce rumors that will inevitably plague their marriage for the next ten years. From the National Enquirer:

Justin Timberlake's honeymoon exploded after his stunning bride Jessica Biel ordered him to cut ties with his hard-partying bachelor pals, and he told her: "No way," say sources.

"Jessica and Justin are suffering from a bad case of post-wedding blues," revealed an insider. "And it's all because she wants him to dump most of his old friends. All those guys enjoy weekend trips to Vegas, guys-only golf outings in exotic locales and picking up hot chicks at clubs. And Justin used to be a big part of it.

"Jess can't stand how immature Justin's buddies are. It bothers her that they always drag him into trouble. And now that Justin and Jess are married, she doesn't want the guys coming over at all hours and crashing at their home. He told Jessica he's not ditching his friends. And he added insult to injury when he added that he probably won't be ready to start a family for at least two years. Poor Jess was left in tears. And now she's wondering if marrying Justin was a major mistake." (Print Ediiton - 11/19)

Damn, that was quick, wasn't it? I thought that these are the kinds of issues that get hammered out before a couple of kids get married, but I guess I'm just an old-fashioned type of fella. Justin Timberlake is a tool with tools for friends, and Jessica is absolutely right about everything she's thinking about him. I'd never do that to you, Jessica. If you asked me to, I'd put all my friends on a party bus in downtown Tel Aviv bought at Al Qaeda Used Auto Mall and let the magic happen. Then it'll just be me and King Leonidas fighting for the right to finger you. Now THAT, my friends, is love.

*10 Justin and Jessica pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel in Oahu last year

Meant to post this last week, but fuck it, I was on vacation. Viva Europe! Anyways, for some reason, Gerard Butler was humping Jessica Biel last year and then stopped, and now he's sorta regretting it. Well no shit, Sherlock. I have it on good authority that she can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue. From Radar:

Butler dated his [Playing for Keeps] co-star Jessica Biel but now regrets the way he treated her and considers Jessica the "one that got away." Gerard, 42, was scared off by Jessica wanting something more serious when they filmed the romantic comedy, so he bolted - a decision he now regrets.

"Gerard doesn't have many regrets but not treating Jessica with the respect she deserved while they dated is one of them," a source close to the 300 star revealed. "He genuinely believes she was the one that got away. Jessica liked Gerard a lot, she was into his boyish nature, but she wanted something more serious. She was ready to settle down. That's why after getting close on the set of Playing for Keeps back in 2011, their relationship soon fizzled out."

Butler is happy for the newly married Biel because he knows that Justin Timberlake was - and is - the love of her life, "but he still thinks he missed out. He just wasn't man enough to admit the feeling she had for her at the time," the source divulged.

I feel for Gerry, I really do. Jessica Biel really is a top notch piece of talent, but unfortunately, she's stuck with girly-voice Timberlake for the next couple of years (i.e. giving her the spear is either out of the question or will have to be done discreetly). Honestly? I wouldn't worry if I were Gerard. Something tells me that after a year or two, Jessica will be back on the market all hot, horny, and in pristine condition -- after all, she's only with Justin. The jury is still out on what side of the plate he bats from. My advice for Gerard? Just plow every single piece of ass that comes across his field of view. That's the best medicine I can prescribe. Helped me get over the flu last year. Mindy, Veronica, Rachel, Desiree, and Samantha -- thanks girls!

*40 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel out and about in the East Village of New York (11/10)

*22 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Timberlake snubbed *NSYNC

I hope Justin Timberlake's former *NSYNC bandmates didn't buy him a wedding present for last week's affair in Puglia, Italy, because they didn't get invited. Or at least I hope they bought it from Bed Bath & Beyond. They have an excellent return policy. From the New York Post:

Reports said they flew out close family and friends, including Jimmy Fallon, Andy Samberg and Beverley Mitchell ... but missing from the guest list were his former *NSYNC bandmates Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone. A source told us, "The band were not invited and are pretty upset about it. But the wedding guests were mainly close family and friends."

The boys should know by now that fame is a fickle bitch, and Justin isn't a big enough star to survive hanging out with the rest of the Backdoor Boys or *NSYNC or whatever they're called. Actually, he is big enough, he just doesn't like them very much. The wedding was in Italy for two reasons. First, Mr. Timberlake knows none of then can afford tickets or a hotel suite in Italy these days. Second, there's no way the has-beens could get the time off because it's Six Flags Fright Fest season, and somebody has to work the taffy machine.

*5 Justin Timberlake pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel in Puglia, Italy (10/20)

Jessica Biel has been married for just a few days and she already looks like shit (wtf happened to her hair?). Oh yeah guys, by all means, get married. Especially if you love getting blowjobs all the time and then suddenly not getting them anymore, except on your birthday. Trust me gays, you're not missing out.

*11 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel leaving the Fendi boutique in Paris (10/8)

E! says Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel's wedding this weekend (oh, did I mention they're getting married this weekend in Italy) could cost upwards of $6.5 million, according to these figures they pulled completely out of their ass:

"If they've booked out a whole hotel--and chances are, they have--they're probably footing the bill for all of their guests," Bridal Bar founder Harmony Walton explains. "And if those guests are there for 5 to 7 days, that could be a million alone, depending on the hotel."

It's also common for stars to close down any properties adjacent to a wedding venue to shut out paparazzi; that's maybe another million, if the location is chic enough.

It's also common for stars to spend "as much on a rehearsal dinner as they do on a wedding," Walton notes. And we're probably not talking about just one dinner and then a wedding. After all, guests who travel for a destination wedding should be given stuff to do, right?

"Events leading up to a destination wedding tend to be experiential," Walton tells me. "Maybe they're renting vintage cars for 75 of their closest friends so they can do a car rally up the coast of Italy. If they're getting helicopter tours for their guests to take tours of the neighboring islands, that's going to cost."

Wow, I'm kinda shocked at the attention these two are getting. I was gonna trash this wedding something ugly, but now I'm rethinking it. Look, it's only Biel and girly-voice Timberlake -- I wouldn't exactly call it a royal union. If anything it should actually be a pretty safe wedding because the happy couple have been pretty boring lately. Maybe I'll dropship Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes to the reception. I can't call this a Hollywood wedding unless there's hair and cocaine flying all over the place. Congrats!

*20 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood (10/1)

I know Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are planning on getting married, but I hope for Justin's sake, the wedding isn't within the next few days.

"You may now kiss the bride . . . or you know, air kiss her."

*10 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale

Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale at a photocall for Total Recall in Berlin, Germany (8/13)

*15 Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel in Powder Blue

Good news about Jessica Biel: She's open to more nudity (like when she stripped down for the 2009 film Powder Blue). This is a positive development. From The Sun:

After having appeared nude in one film, the straight-to-DVD Powder Blue, Jessica Biel wouldn't rule it out again. Jessica adds: "I did Powder Blue because I thought it was a powerful story. It's too bad that that film was never released in the theatres and all you see is what was put up on YouTube.

"The film was so much more interesting than seeing me strip off. If it's a good film and a good role and it makes sense for the character, I wouldn't mind doing nudity. You just want to be doing something where the nudity doesn't detract from the story and overshadows the rest of your work in the film."

I will worship whatever God makes this happen, this I promise. Jesus, Yahweh, Xenu, Porcelain, whoever. Jessica doesn't mind showing her assets to the masses, yet you bastards in Tinseltown haven't drop everything yet to make it happen again -- this is astonishing. Unless the reason has something to do with the end of the world in 2012, I find it disgraceful. Please let this be real. Now that the thought of Jessica Biel doing naked jumping jacks on film is in my head, I couldn't possibly go back to work. Hollywood powerbrokers, the people have spoken. We demand to see Jessica in all of her naked glory in the comfort of our local theaters. Don't do it just for us, do it for you; do it for your children; do it for your children's children. Hell, do it for America.

NOTE TO SELF: Destroy anyone and anything that stands in the way of me finding a copy of Powder Blue.

*11 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel at the premiere of Total Recall at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (8/1)

*32 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery: