Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel is a weirdo

If Jessica Biel had been born a man (catty bitches, please hold your snarky comments about how she was born a man), I am now convinced that she would have been a serial killer From W magazine (via Yahoo!):

Despite the tomboy behavior, Justin Timberlake's fiancee says she still indulged her girly side by playing with dolls. "But it was always, 'Let's play sex with Barbies!' My Barbies were usually naked. Once, I took their heads off, cut their hair, drew on their short, spiky hair with some markers, then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year, we'd string our tree with those Barbie heads. It looked demonic."

Jessica Biel just moved up a few spots on the Celebslam yanky cranky list. She's already one of the world's hottest chicks, and now she acknowledges that she's absolutely nuts? I'll put a ring on her finger and mean it if she can cook. I totally understand why girlie-voice Timberlake always ends up running back to Jessica. Of course Jewfro can find any girl to wear a strap-on and show him who's the boss, but Jessica drives it home with the reckless abandon of a true sociopath.

*5 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills (1/15)

Jessica Biel's only been engaged to Justin Timberlake for a few weeks and she's already not wearing her ring. Gee, what could possibly go wrong? From the New York Daily News:

Jessica Biel looked radiant when she walked the red carpet at Sunday night's Golden Globe Awards — even if she was missing some bling. The actress accessorized her long-sleeved Elie Saab gown with a number of jewels, however it didn't take long before many noticed something important missing: her engagement ring from fiance Justin Timberlake.

Instead, the bare-fingered 29-year-old, who reportedly accepted Timberlake's proposal during the couple's vacation in Montana over the holidays, wore a number of sparklers from Tiffany & Co. on her right hand. Biel had onlookers puzzled the previous night as well. She stepped out sans engagement ring to attend W magazine's Best Performances Issue party at Hollywood's Chateau Marmont.

Wait a cotton pickin' second -- does this mean I have another shot at Biel? I wish you'd give me a real answer and stop with this cryptic messages. I know that girlie-voice Timberlake is a big deal, but you can certainly do better. Not only do I own a billion dollar website, but I'm also a bullfighter, deep sea diver, and Ron Jeremy's stand in. Get it? I have a huge hog.

*15 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake engaged?

According to unconfirmed internet rumors (so you know this shit has to be true), Justin Timberlake proposed to girlfriend Jessica Biel Monday night in Wyoming. Here's a fun fact about Wyoming for you: Cheyenne is the capital. That was fun, wasn't it? Jezebel says:

Though it's early days yet and the tabloids are feverishly trying to lock down an exclusive, Jackson-based Tayloe Piggott Jewelry confirmed rumors that Justin proposed Monday night at luxury Wyoming resort The Amangani. "Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night," the company posted on Facebook. "We're picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool."

Some say it's all fun and games being a celebrity, but just look at the difficult decision that Justin's facing. He either gets to have sex with Jessica Biel every night or a rotating bevy of eager-to-please 18 and 19-year-old blondes and brunettes with no gag reflex. It's like Sophie's Choice, except that he gets to cum. So glad I'm not famous. I simply couldn't deal with the stress.

UPDATE (1/4): Us Weekly is confirming that Timberlake proposed to Jessica last month in Wyoming:

"Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place," one insider explains.

After a brief three-month split in 2011, Biel made it clear that she wanted to spend her life with Timberlake, 30. "When they reunited, they had a conversation about taking the next step."

Seeing how this situation played out (dating, split, and then proposal), I have a new respect for Timberlake. He's the first dude in history whose bachelor party lasted three months. How cool is that? And instead of throwing quarters at strippers (I'm on a budget), he got to cornhole all kinds of A-listers. I've been to a few bachelor parties in my life and I've never had sex with Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Ashley Olsen, or Olivia Wilde at any of them. So jealous.

*10 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel in Hawaii earlier this year

Since breaking up with Jessica Biel earlier this year, Justin Timberlake has been linked to Mila Kunis, Olivia Wilde, your sister, Ashley Olsen, and Scarlett Johansson. I guess he's bored with plowing through all the hot ass in Hollywood like an ass-plowing snow plow that plows through hot ass because he confirmed to Express that he's back with Biel:

It was something of a scoop when, as we chatted at the premiere of his latest film, In Time, I steered the conversation round to romance and asked whether he was back with Miss Biel.

“Yes, Jessica is still the most significant person in my life,” he replied.

Can you really blame Justin if he's gone back to Jessica Biel? She's got to be one of the hottest chicks on the planet. Sure, he probably spent the past few months banging supermodels on every continent, but in the end, it's safe to assume that he just couldn't say "no" to DAT ASS. Also safe to assume: if I ever see this guy in person, I'm going to punch him right in the pussy.

*46 Jessica Biel bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, October 20

Jessica Biel out and about in Studio City (pics start here)

Jeremy Davidson and Kelli Garner on the set of Pan Am in New York (pics start here)

Kelly Carlson at P.S. Arts 20th Aniversary Celebration at Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley arriving at Heathrow Airport in London from Milan (pics start here)

Elisabetta Canalis arriving at STK nightclub in Hollywood (pics start here)

Miss Sweden Nicoline Artursson arriving at Heathrow Airport in London (pics start here)

Julianne Hough arriving on a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Penelope Cruz on the set of Twice Born in Rome (pics start here)

Elizabeth Olsen leaving Today Show studios in New York (pics start here)

Elle Fanning leaving Jamba Juice in Studio City (pics start here)

Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald leaving Trousdale nightclub in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Julie Bowen shopping at Trader Joe's in Studio City (pics start here)

George Clooney, Evan Rachel Wood, and Philip Seymour Hoffman at a photocall for their new film The Ides of March in London (pics start here)

Amanda Seyfried walking her dog in Runyon Canyon in Hollywood (pics start here)

*112 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Scarlett Johansson on the set of The Avengers in Manhattan (9/3)

What's better than having sex with Jessica Biel? Having sex with Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson. Screw you Justin Timberlake. From Us Weekly:

Justin Timberlake spent the night of Sept. 14 with single-again Scarlett Johansson, the new Us Weekly reports. Timberlake and Johansson were "hardcore flirting" during a raucous evening at NYC hotspot 1Oak, a witness tells Us. "Other guys were trying to talk with Scarlett, but she was only focused on Justin."

The duo left at 5:30 a.m. and got pizza next door, the source says. The one-on-one party continued just a few hours after the A-listers closed down 1Oak -- when Timberlake showed up at the actress' midtown penthouse apartment. Greeting the doorman and introducing himself as "Justin," Timberlake "wasn't even low-key" about his visit, another witness noted.

"They've hooked up several times over the years," a pal confirms of the pair. But Timberlake just got back together with longtime love Jessica Biel merely a month ago. "For the moment, she's trusting him."

I think it's starting to become clear who's been "hacking" into all of these celebrities phones lately. First Justin is rumored to have been hooking up with Mila Kunis, and weeks later racy pictures of her are leaked onto the internet. Then, last week he's seen with Scarlett Johansson and nude pics of HER surface. I think there's one thing that can obviously be said about all of this: Justin, will you please start dating Sofia Vergara or Alessandra Ambrosio?

*26 Scarlett Johansson pictures total in the gallery:

Timberlake and Biel are definitely back together

Looks like Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are back on. Since splitting up in March, Timberlake has been linked to Olivia Wilde, Mila Kunis, and even Ashley Olsen. I guess he got bored with all those chicks, because he was seen with Jessica over the weekend in Toronto. Naked! And by "naked" I mean they had coffee together. From Life & Style:

"Justin and Jessica came into Ella's Uncle coffee shop not once but three times this weekend: Saturday evening, Sunday morning and just this morning," an eyewitness tells Life & Style. "They seemed so comfortable, happy and at ease every time. They literally couldn't stop staring and smiling at each other. Justin seemed completely smitten with Jessica, and she had this permanent smile on her face, and they joked around with each other. Jessica even recommended Justin get her favorite, the Americano, but Justin opted for the Ella, a double cappuccino with maple syrup."

They certainly needed the extra caffeine: On Sunday the pair enjoyed a bike ride together on Queen St. West. That same day, they stopped for a cozy brunch at Swan Restaurant.

"Yes, they came into Swan together and sat in the back," a second eyewitness tells Life & Style. "Justin had scrambled eggs and Jessica had an omelet. Jessica must have suggested it because Justin's not here very often, but she comes in a lot. They were laughing and having such a good time. They enjoyed their food, but they seemed to enjoy each other much more!"

Can you really blame Justin for getting back together with Jessica? I mean, she just has an amazing personality ass, an incredible smile ass, and an unflappable drive ass. Yes, there are plenty of reasons why a guy would want to be back with Jessica. Now, why Jessica would go back to Justin is still a mystery. If she wanted to be with a nappy-haired big mouth, she could have just dated my dick.

*23 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel leaving CVS in Studio City (2/12)

Jessica Biel is currently in Toronto shooting the remake of Total Recall (I hope she plays the chick with three tits - NSFW). Filming is going pretty well so far, except for some minor delays due to weather and that time Jessica ALMOST FUCKING DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. From the National Enquirer:

Terrifying ride for Jessica Biel, who was rocketing down steel tracks strapped into a futuristic taxi/tram on the set of sci-fi flick "Total Recall" when the vehicle's brakes suddenly malfunctioned! Shooting past a designated stopping point, it crashed full speed into a barrier, tipped over - and flipped upside down!

"It was a terrifying catastrophe - we were so frightened for Jessica," recalled one crew member who raced to the vehicle. "The cart was totally upside down - and there were no sounds from her at all. But a moment later, we breathed a sigh of relief when somebody yelled out to her and we heard her shout back, 'I'm okay!'"

Crew guys grabbed the small vehicle,wrestled it right side up and were stunned to see Jessica looking totally calm, still strapped into her seat - and assuring everyone she hadn't suffered so much as a scratch. "It's a miracle she wasn't seriously injured!" says our source.

This must have been really scary for everyone involved in this film. In an accident as gnarly as that one was, Jessica could have been seriously hurt -- or even worse, scratched her face. For someone whose entire worth is based on their appearance, injuring her mug would have been as catastrophic to her career as a baseball pitcher losing his arm or a porn star suddenly becoming allergic to Viagra.

*15 Jessica Biel pictures total in the gallery:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel in 2009

Jessica Biel pretty much just called Justin Timberlake a pussy. There's really no other way to put it. From the National Enquirer:

Just a few months after her headline-making split from Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has found herself a "real man" -- her hot Scot movie co-star Gerard Butler! The gorgeous actress is telling pals that Gerard is the complete opposite of pretty boy Justin - and that she likes his rugged ways. "Jessica used to laugh and say Justin kept more beauty products in the bathroom than she did," a friend told The Enquirer. "It would take him an hour or more to get ready to face the world in the morning."

"Gerard just seems to roll out of bed and seize the day. At first blush, Gerard doesn't seem to be Jessica's type - she's always gone for the metrosexual kind of guy," the friend continued. "Gerard is a bit coarse and rumpled around the edges, and that's like a breath of fresh air to Jessica after Justin."

Let this be a lesson to all the metrosexuals out there. Hot women like Jessica Biel don't like their men to be experts in hair products, skin moisturizers, and Fall colors. They like them to be able to lift heavy objects, kill scary spiders, and not care about their cuticles. It's why guys like Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and myself always end up banging hotties and guys from Jersey Shore always end up sleeping with skanks that look like Snooki.

*30 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Biel in Oahu, HI (1/20)

It must be nice to be checking out at the supermarket, randomly pick up a National Enquirer, and find out that Jessica Biel desperately wants to have sex with you. Via Showbiz Spy:

Jessica Biel is bulking up in a bid to snare Bradley Cooper - sources say. According to American tabloid the National Enquirer, Biel has invited Cooper — her costar in box office bomb The A-Team - to join her for a trek in the Santa Monica Mountains.

"She’s very physically fit and she always felt that Bradley was perfectly suited to her," a source said. "To appeal to his adventurer side, she asked if he’d like to go hiking with her rather than on a bvtraditional date. And it worked. Bradley agreed to go when they can work out the time."

Is Jessica Biel a complete idiot? She doesn't need to ask a guy to go hiking with her to get him interested -- she just needs to say "hi." Jessica Biel's ass to a guy is like speaking for Marlee Matlin -- neither one of them can say "no." Sure, hiking to the top of the Santa Monica Mountains might be fun for these two, but I guarantee you the only thing Bradley would be thinking about the whole time would be getting to the bottom.

*46 Jessica Biel bikini pictures total in the gallery: