Archive: Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez kicking off her world tour in Athens, Greece (9/20)

I still can’t believe J.Lo finished the mini-triathlon in Malibu last weekend. There’s no fucking way. She had to cheat. Look at the back fat she was showing off during her concert in Greece this weekend. The only triathlon this fatty should be finishing is the breakfast-lunch-dinner circuit between McDonalds, Burger King, and In-N-Out.

[Daily Mail]

Jennifer Lopez almost drowns during triathlon

Remember that little story earlier about J.Lo finishing the Malibu Triathlon over the weekend? Remember that? Remember how you thought to yourself: J.Lo finished a triathlon . . . what the fuck? Oh hey, guess what:

Jennifer Lopez almost drowned while swimming through the Nautica Triathlon . . .The waves were to high for her as she started to submerge and was left missing for a couple of seconds until her trainer helped her out. When she reached enough depth where she could stand on her feet she gave a big smile showing relief. (From: Splash News)

I knew it. I knew that bitch didn’t finish a triathlon by herself. I want to see some pictures of her during the bike part of the race. She had a tandem, didn’t she? Or an engine. “I was barely able to finish the race when my bike ran out of gas at mile three.”

[Splash News]

Jennifer Lopez completes triathlon

Jennifer Lopez completed the Nautica Malibu Triathlon yesterday in 2 hours, 23 minutes. The race consisted of a 1/2 mile swim, 18-mile bike ride, and 4-mile run. Matthew McConaughey also competed in the race, finishing in 1 hour, 30 minutes. After the race ended, Lopez told the crowd:

“Thank you guys so much. This is an amazing day. I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children’s Hospital [of Los Angeles] and hopefully it’ll go to good use.” (Source)

I don’t know what the bigger miracle is: J.Lo actually finishing a triathlon or her squeezing that ass into a wetsuit. I think we may have to bring in the Pope to make a call on this one.

[Flynet]

Jennifer Lopez bikini candids! (Portofino, Italy - 7/6)

That’s Jennifer Lopez’s fat ass in Italy enjoying the last day of her whirlwind European vacation. The Daily Mail says:

While most people use a holiday as a time to relax, Jennifer Lopez spent the last weekend of her vacation getting in shape ahead of her return to acting. After taking a lengthy break from movies to focus on her singing career and motherhood, J.Lo is set to resume her film career with a role in Love And Other Improvements this week.

Lopez, 38, and her four-month twins Max and Emme have been touring Europe with husband Marc Anthony over the last month. After Anthony’s tour wrapped in Rome last Wednesday, the family and their entourage flew to Portofino in northern Italy for a few days R&R with designer pals Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana. (Source)

In four months, Jennifer Lopez’s twins have already been to more countries and been on more private jets than I have in 27 years. Kill self?

Jennifer Lopez bikini pics! (Portofino, Italy - 7/4)

Did you know that when J.Lo wears a bikini that shiny, you can actually see her ass from space?

[INFDaily.com]

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony in Milan, Italy (7/1)

Marc Anthony was in full pimp mode yesterday at a press conference in Milan, Italy. You know I’d heard the stories about men walking around with that third button undone but I’d always chalked it up to urban legend. Well you know how the old saying goes: if you’ve got the chest of a high school freshman, flaunt it.

NOTE: I’m a little surprised Marc’s not wielding a stick or a club to fend off the ladies. You can’t be too careful.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

“Oh no jew di’int”

You’d think being a new mom might have settled Jennifer Lopez down a little, ya’ know, put things into perspective. Nope. Still a bitch. A witness relays the following tale to the New York Post about Lopez shopping at the Catherine Malandrino boutique last week:

“[Lopez] demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone, but they said, ‘Absolutely not,.’ Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn’t buy one thing.” (Source)

Can you really blame Jen for wanting the store all to herself? With that ass, she probably just needed it empty for logistical reasons. And what’s up with asking for a 50% discount? I thought haggling was beneath “Divas” . . . not named Streisand. The sad thing is that after all of her whining and complaining, Jen didn’t even end up buying anything. I guess the store didn’t have anything in size “Bitch.”

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony exiting a private jet in Zaventem, Belgium (6/18)

Is it just me or is climbing down steep stairs in four-inch platform heels carrying a newborn baby kinda unsafe? I mean, she’s not even looking down. One little misstep and that poor baby is flying onto the concrete, it’s head cracking open like a Cadbury Creme Egg in the hands of a ten-year-old sugar addict on Easter morning.* I guess she’s being a little cocky because she has two of ‘em. Understandable.

*I took a creative writing class in college

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony leaving the Waverly Inn in New York (4/14)

TLC announced yesterday that Jennifer Lopez will be starring in a new reality show on the channel. The “docu-series” will chronicle Lopez juggling her career with being a mom. TLC President **Caution: Hyphenated Last Name Ahead** Angela Shapiro-Mathes said in a statement:

“Jennifer is unbelievably passionate about life and will be an incredible role model for our audience.”

Lopez added, “I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together.” (Source)

It’s good to hear that Lopez is passionate about life because I’d hate for her to be, uh, not . . . passionate about life. What the fuck does that even mean? Do people think before they talk anymore? I could write something that made more sense using magnetic fridge poetry. As for Jennifer being an “incredible role model”, really? The 40-year-old housewives that watch TLC are gonna look up to the chick who’s worth $100 million? Wow I can’t wait to see how Jennifer juggles yelling at four nannies, two personal chefs, and her agent without her voice going hoarse. Oh please Jennifer, tell us your secrets!

[WENN, Pacific Coast News]

Jennifer Lopez and her twins on the cover of People magazine 

Actually it costs them about $7 million. That looks like about a million dollars worth of photoshopping on that fatty J.Lo. — she looks skinnier than she did before she was pregnant. Plus, what’s up with those babies? They’re actually kinda cute. I was expecting something that just came out J.Lo’s vagina to look way more demanding.