Recently in Jayden James Federline Category

Britney Spears kids Jayden and Sean in Miami (9/3)

At what age do you think Britney Spears' kids will realize that they do not in fact have two black fathers and a Costa Rican mother? 9? 10?

Britney Spears and her son Jayden James at the London Zoo (6/16)

Fuck, the picture gave it away, didn't it? Dammit, I'm such an idiot. From the New York Daily News:

Britney Spears' tots have definitely hit the terrible twos and threes, if their language is any indication. While the singer picked up goodies at a swag suite in L.A. last week, Sean Preston, 3, and Jayden James, 2, shocked guests by repeatedly yelling, "Oh shit!"

"We were all surprised by their potty mouths, but it was actually pretty funny," one onlooker acknowledged.

How did Britney respond to her sons' antics? Said the source: "She was too busy picking out freebies to chastise the boys for misbehaving."

Is anyone really shocked by this story? What's more surprising is that Jayden and Sean haven't completely followed in their parents' footsteps and started smoking, flashing their genitals, or knocking up other toddlers yet. Sadly, a story about these two cursing will one day probably seem quaint. By the time they're teenagers, we'll be reminiscing about the good ol' days when they were "just" swearing and not overdosing, getting blackout drunk, or failing to post bail.

Britney Jayden and Sean in the Bahamas (5/21)

Britney Spears' sons Jayden and Sean left a path of destruction in their wake earlier this month during her tour stop in Connecticut. The boys went rock star (minus the smashed guitar and naked, passed out groupies) on a $2k/night suite at the Mohegan Sun resort. A hotel employee told the Globe:

"The boys pulled down the silk drapes and broke an expensive vase in the living room. They also left crayon marks all over the walls. One of the boys messed in his pants while in the pool — leaving other swimmers horrified."

Wow, this is really poor parenting. Esmeralda -- Britney's maid -- should be absolutely ashamed of herself.

Britney Spears with Jayden and Sean in September 2007

It's official: Britney Spears' kids are gonna be raised by hung-over roadies for the next year. She's bringing both of them along on her worldwide tour, which kicks off early next month in New Orleans. Alternate headline: NO YOU CRAZY BITCH, NOOOOOOO!!! From Us Weekly:

Britney Spears will have her babies on board! The pop star has finally gotten her way after rumors circulated that she threatened to cancel her upcoming tour if she was not allowed to bring her sons.

"Both Sean Preston and Jayden James will, in fact, be joining Britney throughout the duration of her tour," her official website states.

Spears was planning to cancel her upcoming Circus tour if her ex-husband Kevin Federline's lawyers continued to block an agreement that would allow her to take her sons on the road.

For weeks, Spears, Federline and Spears' father Jamie had been privately planning to let the two boys travel with Spears on the tour. According to TMZ.com, the pop star would have homes in three cities -- New Jersey, New Orleans and Los Angeles -- so that the children could stay nearby while Spears commuted back and forth from regional concert venues.

Additionally, the agreement allowed Kevin to receive at least $4,000 each week that Spears is on tour and that he would receive his own home in each of the three predetermined cities as well, reported TMZ Monday. (Source)

Britney threatened to cancel her tour if the kids weren't allowed to come? No wonder K-Fed gave in. It's simple supply-side economics: If Britney doesn't tour, she doesn't make money, which means K-Fed doesn't get paid, which means dozens of Vegas strippers are left homeless without tuition money having to get a job that requires underwear. Frankly, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke should be thanking Britney. Her tour is paying to keep the lights* on in Vegas.

*especially the red ones

Britney Spears and Jayden James arriving in Kentwood, Louisiana (11/7)

Britney Spears' son Jayden James was rushed to a Louisiana hospital on Sunday after suffering a suspected seizure. Britney and her two sons have been in Louisiana since Friday. The trip marks the first time Britney's taken her two sons out of state since Kevin Federline was awarded full custody. A source told the The Sun:

"[Jayden] was vague and unresponsive so Britney dialed an ambulance. But she was told it would take half an hour to arrive, and she was best trying to get Jayden to the hospital herself. They tore off so fast it was incredible." (Source)

C'mon that quote can't be real. Britney was "best trying" to get Jayden to the hospital. I thought hicks only talked like that in the movies. The only way that quote could be more perfect is if there was mention of Britney's dad playing the cider jug before Jayden "done took ill." In all seriousness, here's hoping all is well and there's no more drama for Britney. Vegas set the over/under on emergency hospital visits during her trip at 1.5. I put $50 on the under.

In the spirit of their exclusive Suri Cruise pictures, X17 has come out with the "first" pictures of Jayden James Federline. What a scoop! Look how cute little Jayden is--though that lobster claw growing out his forehead is a bit worrisome. It's probably just the angle.

Rumors have been circulating the Internet that Britney Spears may not have given birth to a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline but instead to a girl named Jayden James (WELL on her to way to a career in pornography with that name):

The rumors gained traction when Federline appeared on a radio show and refused to answer questions about the baby’s name or gender. “Isn’t that strange when you hear that, when you have a child and people tell you the sex is a different one,” the DJ asked Federline. He replied: “Yeah it’s crazy. Well it’s even crazier when people are telling me my child’s name.” Why all the secrecy? One source compares it to the recent Suri Cruise mystery and says that the baby’s identity will be released in a PR blitz. Says the source: "I’m hearing that they’ll release pics closer to the release date of Kevin’s new CD [Oct. 31]."

This afternoon, ninjas broke into the Los Angeles County records and obtained Jayden’s birth certificate. To everyone’s relief, Jayden does in fact have a penis. Why can’t celebrities have babies like normal people? First the mystery of Suri Cruise, and now this Jayden thing. To give Britney credit, having a baby to drive your husband’s record sales is ingenious. If only I had known about this PR strategy back in high school, surely I would have been class president. Instead I had to settle for being the stupid class treasurer. They never get the chicks!