Casey Cohen in Long Beach, New York last year

Is Jay-Z having an affair with 1OAK VIP hostess and former Princesses of Long Island star Casey Cohen? How the hell am I supposed to know? In Touch Weekly seems to think they are. A source told the mag:
"Jay probably sees her twice a month. He visits her while she's working and then they slip away for an afterparty. She'll hang out with him all night, flirting with him and touching him."
From Beyonce to a reality star. From the queen of pop to a chick with no soul. It doesn't get much worse than that. That's like replacing George Washington with Hitler. What is Jay-Z's dick thinking?

*30 Casey Cohen bikini pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jay Z Casey Cohen 1
  • Jay Z Casey Cohen 2
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Solange Knowles at the Met Gala last week

No one knows why, and they haven't issued a statement or anything, but after last week's Met Gala, Beyonce's sister Solange attacked Jay-Z in an elevator -- and it was all caught on camera. The three of them were leaving the afterparty at the Standard Hotel and were in an elevator when the incident occurred. Jay-Z's bodyguard held Solange back, but she did manage to connect with a few kicks and punches. Credit to Jay-Z for not fighting back in what can best be described as Chris Brown's dream. Small elevator. Woman hits first. Nowhere to run. He's actually jerked off to that scenario thousands of times.

ALTERNATE HEADLINE: Solange Knowles finally has a hit

*5 Solange Knowles pictures total in the gallery:

  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 1
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 2
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 3
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 4
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 5

Jay-Z and Beyonce leaving Barneys New York in Beverly Hills (12/3)

Wow, black people following white people out of Barneys. What a pleasant change.

*30 Jay-Z and Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 1
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 2
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 3
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Jay-Z leaving Gjelina restaurant in Venice Beach (7/28)

Whenever someone prefaces a comment with "this is going to sound arrogant" you know they're gonna say something really fucking arrogant. From the Wall Street Journal:
Jay-Z has responded to criticism from legendary actor and activist Harry Belafonte that the rapper has failed to use his celebrity in a social responsibly way. Last year, Belafonte reportedly said "I think one of the great abuses of this modern time is that we should have had such high-profile artists, powerful celebrities. But they have turned their back on social responsibility. That goes for Jay-Z and Beyonce, for example..."

During a recent interview with Rap Radar's Elliott Wilson, Jay-Z said,"I'm offended by that because first of all, and this is going to sound arrogant, but my presence is charity. Just who I am. Just like Obama's is. Obama provides hope. Whether he does anything, the hope that he provides for a nation, and outside of America is enough."
Wow, that's a pretty goddamn arrogant statement. In the Battle Royale to be named the Biggest Douchenozzle of the Known Universe, that statement puts Shawn Carter-Knowles ahead of Kanye West and Russell Brand by a smidgen of an asshole. It's a string of words that will no doubt grace the "Era-Ending Stupid Shit" chapter in the history books. Here are some other winning phrases to keep this particular doozy company:

"We're more popular than Jesus now..." - John Lennon in 1966 (beginning of the end of The Beatles)

"George Clooney has been cast as the new Batman..." - Joel Schumacher in 1997 (ending his career as a serious director)

"Let's renew The Simpsons..." - Unnamed empty suit at FOX in 2002 (the moment the network sold their soul to the devil)

"I do..." - Bruce Jenner to Kris Kardashian in 1991 (the end of life as he knew it)

Hopefully this is the beginning of the end for the king of overrated hack entertainers and as many of his friends as he can take down with him (except Beyonce because she's still pretty hot).

*5 Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jay Z Gjelina restaurant
  • Jay Z Theory Feynold S Two Pocket Shirt
  • Jay Z Venice Beach
  • Jay Z Controversial Comments
  • Jay Z Theory Feynold Shirt

Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Beyonce at the NBA All Star Game in L.A. in 2011

Count Beyonce among those tiring of Rihanna's antics. Aw yeah, baby. This has "sexy chick fight in a pool of JELL-O" written all over it. From the National Enquirer:
"Rihanna's always been edgy, but now she's completely out of control," an insider told The Enquirer. "Beyonce has considered herself on of Rihanna's mentors since (her husband) Jay-Z signed Rihanna to his label in 2004. And Rihanna has referred to Beyonce as a big sister. But Beyonce has worked hard to empower women with her music, and she feels Rihanna is undoing a lot of that work. She's at the point now where seeing Rihanna grabbing her crotch on stage makes her feel sick.

"Jay's very protective of Ri and doesn't want to rock the boat, but Bey felt she wouldn't be doing her hob if she didn't say something. Bey thinks Rihanna is making herself look trashy for no good reason." (Print Edition - 7/15)
Oh, brother. Who invited Mother Teresa to the party? Amazing, just amazing. Just to recap, Rihanna staying with the scumbag who wiped a Lamborghini dashboard with her face didn't seem to get a rise out of Beyonce, but let the kid grab her cooch and puff a lil' stinky and WHAM!, Mrs. Carter is all up in a bitch's business? What a phony. I think I know of a way to get these two back on the same page. Beyonce should start smoking weed every hour of every day and Rihanna should marry a guy who refuses to acknowledge their relationship for years and then fake a pregnancy with him. If the two can do that and Rihanna also pretends the Lion King hairpiece she bought from a Broadway overstock clearance sale is real hair like Beyonce does, then I'll consider their relationship saved.

*10 Rihanna, Beyonce, and Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rihanna Beyonce Fighting
  • Jay Z Rihanna Kiss
  • Beyonce Hates Rihanna
  • Rihanna High Heels
  • Rihanna Embracing Jay Z
  • Jay Z Beyonce All Star Game
  • Beyonce Cleavage Tits
  • Beyonce Not Having Fun
  • Rihanna Red Hair
  • Rihanna Fight with Beyonce

Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving a theater in New York after seeing Iron Man 3 (6/2)

Jay-Z and Beyonce dropped $7,500 on gifts for Kim and Kanye's new baby North West. Which is like $10 to them. Assholes. From The Sun:
[Jay-z and Beyonce] bought a load of posh baby gear to commemorate the birth, including personalised Christian Dior baby booties. They also splashed out on a three-piece sterling silver Elsa Peretti Padova baby set with North's name engraved on each item. The fork, spoon and cup set is one of the most popular baby gifts sold by fancy jeweler Tiffany's.

A source said: "Kanye is one of Jay-Z's closest friends so he wanted to get the best gift. They've had a girl themselves, so they know the right type of present. They also brought their baby girl Blue Ivy to come over and meet North. She's old enough now to be really interested in babies. Any bad blood between the ladies has all been brushed under the carpet now Kim's a mum - Beyonce was even sharing weight-loss tips with her."
Psst! Hey look, Beyonce and her sourpuss husband are rich, bitch, pass it on! Isn't that what this story is about? Could Mrs. and Mr. Knowles have given the baby with the ridiculous name something tasteful and donated a shitload of money to charity in North Kardashian's name? Sure they could have, but that would have been too normal. Remember, we're talking about Jay-Z, a self-promotion machine who's released hundreds of songs congratulating the world because he's in it. And let's not forget Beyonce, the ol' ball and chain whose auto-tuned vocal gymnastics can almost hide the screeching noise she calls her singing voice. These gifts are just a big ol' "suck it, Kimye" from the second most gauche couple in the world. Who's first, you ask? I won't dignify that question with a response, now go to your room.

*20 Beyonce and Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Christian Dior Baby Booties Present
  • Beyonce and Jay Z Leaving Iron Man Movie
  • Jay Z Blame Society T Shirt
  • North West Christian Dior Baby Booties
  • Beyonce Elsa Peretti Padova Baby Set Present
  • Beyonce Killer Legs
  • North West Elsa Peretti Padova Baby Set Present
  • Beyonce Fashion Hat
  • Beyonce Tiffany Present for North West
  • Jay Z Tiffany Present for North West
  • Beyonce Kim Kardashian Present
  • High Res Pictures of Beyonce Jay Z
  • Jay Z Kim Kardashian Present
  • Recent Pictures of Beyonce Jay Z
  • Beyonce Leggy
  • Jay Z is a Dork
  • Beyonce Movie Date Night
  • Jay Z Backwards Hat
  • North West Gifts
  • What Presents Did North West Get

Beyonce In Paris last year

Hah! Jay-Z and Beyonce laugh at your non-diamond-encrusted Barbie Dolls! From The Sun:
Doting Beyonce Knowles and hubby Jay-Z splashed out $80,000 on a diamond-encrusted Barbie for their daughter's first birthday.
I won't name names, but is it bad that I want to physically harm a 1-year-old? 
The customised doll for little Blue Ivy includes 160 of the gems, plus white gold jewellery. The mega-rich singers also threw a lavish princess-themed party for close family and pals to mark her special day. The bash in New York included [~$100k] of white and pink roses as decorations and a cake costing [$2400]. Another [$32k] went on accessories and toys for Blue Ivy's young guests, including jewelery sets, princess costumes and playhouses.
How to Turn Your Kid into a Demanding Little Bitch: A Step-By-Step Guide, by Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Adults were given elaborate goodie bags including concert tickets and personalized gold pens with Blue Ivy and each guest's name engraved on them.

A source said: "Nothing's been too big or expensive for their little princess. They wanted her first birthday to set the tone for the rest of her life. They work hard for their money and the first thing they want to spend it on is their baby girl. It's hard to imagine how they can top this next year -- or what her Sweet Sixteen will be like."
Awe, this is a heartwarming tale, if ever there was one. $200K on a first birthday for a baby is so classy -- I'm surprised Jay-Z and Beyonce didn't hold the party during a "Who da Baby Daddy" episode of Maury. 100% True Story: One time I went to a kid's first birthday party and didn't get a personalized gold pen. I know, right? Such tacky parents. Needless to say, I'm no longer friends with them.

*15 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce First Birthday 1
  • Beyonce First Birthday 2
  • Beyonce First Birthday 3
  • Beyonce First Birthday 4
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Beyonce at the Art Basel show in Miami (12/9)

Beyonce bought her husband Jay-Z a $4.8 million watch for his 43rd birthday. And you know what? It tells the exact same time as this $10 Casio I stole from Walmart. From UK tabloid The Daily Star:
Beyonce has splashed out over [$4.8 million] on a birthday present for hubby Jay-Z. And he wasn't even celebrating a milestone age, just his 43rd. The ex-Destiny's Child star, 31, bought her man a luxury Hublot watch named the Big Bang. The timepiece has a cool 1,282 diamonds on it.

A man in the know said: "Beyonce will always buy Jay the best gifts money can buy. Money is no object to her. She knew he would love the Hublot Big Bang watch. It's the ultimate timepiece, a mixture of extravagance, luxury and bling. Jay-Z is a huge watch collector and was very excited when he was given the gift. He can't wait to start flashing it around. It is absolutely stunning. In Beyonce's defence, what do you buy the man who already has everything?"
Kids, next time you're selling blood or giving your boss a handjob for some extra hours so you can buy Beyonce's new album, be aware that your money is going to a good cause: Jay-Z's wrist for a ten-minute photo op before being used as some stripper's tip. All kidding aside, she bought him a $5 million watch for his birthday -- now what the hell does she buy him for Christmas? The possibilities are endless when you're that rich. An antique platinum back-scratcher? Sure! Yellowcake uranium cuff links? Why not! A night with the Queen of England? Hey, she may be 86, but she's got the stamina of a 62-year-old.

*30 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Watch Gift 1
  • Beyonce Watch Gift 2
  • Beyonce Watch Gift 3
  • Beyonce Watch Gift 4
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Beyonce in St. Barts (4/9)

Like Brooklyn Decker and Hayden Panettiere, Beyonce is also on vacation. She's with husband Jay-Z in St. Barts, the small Caribbean island where one percenters go for summer camp. According to Flynet, Beyonce "took a dip in the ocean before joining her husband on a nearby blanket for drinks and some tanning." Tanning? Um . . .

*25 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce St Barts Beach 1
  • Beyonce St Barts Beach 2
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Jay-Z and Beyonce are treating their newborn daughter Blue Ivy like a rare document from the National Archives. No photocopies! From the National Enquirer:
Taking NO chances with their beautiful, newborn baby girl Blue Ivy, ultra-protective parents Jay-Z and Beyonce are obsessively determined to keep their infant germ-free - so before family or pals are allowed to hold their precious prize, they must first don surgical masks and gloves. (Print Edition - 2/20)

Get it? Get it?! That me, bored to the point of an induced coma over this horseshit the Knowleses are putting out. I don't know why I didn't put the spotlight on these two but that shit is over, all of their crap is under review. Fake pregnancies, Lion King hair weaves, retirements that didn't happen, all of it. Congratulations, Shawn and Beyonce, you just blipped my radar.

*5 Beyonce and Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jay Z Beyonce Baby 1
  • Jay Z Beyonce Baby 2
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: