Jay-Z

Blue Ivy Carter > Everyone Else

Jay-Z and Beyonce's newborn daughter, Blue Ivy, has accomplished more in a week than I have in 31 years. Kill self? From the Chicago Sun Times:

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby, Blue Ivy Carter, is making history — and she’s not even a week old. Billboard reports that she’s the youngest person ever to appear on the magazine’s singles chart, thanks to her cries at the end of her dad’s rap tribute, "Glory."

Jay-Z credits his daughter (as B.I.C.) on the song, an immediate viral sensation. It enters Billboard’s chart next week at No. 74.

Isn't that just precious? Since Jay-Z sampled Blue Ivy, is he gonna pay her royalties, or will he do what he and every rapper does? I can't believe the morons at Billboard are gonna give a days-old baby credit for being in a song when they don't do that for everyone who ever had their voices or music "sampled" (i.e. stolen). I feel embarrassed for whoever made the decision to let that happen. Newsflash Billboard execs: you don't have to kiss Jay-Z's or Beyonce's asses -- they will kiss yours. Embarrassing, I feel like I need a shower now.

*15 Jay-Z and Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce gives birth to Blue Ivy

After four entire months of being pregnant -- and four months of rumors that she was faking the pregnancy for attention and a surrogate mother was actually carrying the child -- Beyonce gave birth/took possession of daughter Blue Ivy Carter Saturday in New York. Blue Ivy? That sounds like a damn X-Men character, not a baby. Us Weekly says:

An observer at NYC's Lenox Hill Hospital told Us Weekly that Jay-Z was spotted walking the hospital halls Saturday morning looking "happy." Beyonce's family members -- sister Solange, parents Tina and Mathew Knowles -- were also spotted at the facility with "flowers with pink balloons and silver and black ribbons," the witness added.

Confirming the big news? None other than superstar pal Rihanna, who tweeted Saturday, "Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih."

"Welcome to the world, Blue," Beyonce and Jay-Z's close friend Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted Sunday. "We love you already."

Celebrity friends, untold riches, an apartment in TriBeCa -- Blue Ivy's been alive less than two days and she already has a better life than me. Seriously, fuck this kid.

*13 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce is pregnant!

Beyonce announced that she was three months pregnant last night at the MTV Video Music Awards in L.A. ("I have a surprise"). And yes, the VMAs somehow still exist. It'd be like if we still gave awards for whoever had the fastest horse and buggy.

Incidentally, upon hearing the news, Snooki (the whole Jersey Shore cast was there) walked up to Beyonce and handed her a card for her doctor at Planned Parenthood. "But can you use my frequent buyer card? One more punch in it and the next time I get a 'mistake' vacuumed out of me, it's free!"

*10 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Jay-Z performing at Patersons Stadium in Perth, Western Australia (12/18)

Luxury shopping, gourmet lunches, and million dollar appearance fees. It's amazing Jay-Z hasn't dropped dead from all the stress in his life yet. From the New York Post:

Beyonce got some sweet gifts yesterday. Her husband, Jay-Z, was spotted shopping at Hermes' plush Madison Avenue boutique on Christmas Eve. A spy reports, "Jay was in a private room of Hermes doing last-minute shopping. He had a guard standing watch outside. He spent $350,000 on Birkin bags, among other things." The buying binge took so long, Jay-Z missed his scheduled lunch at Nello, prompting the restaurateur to deliver his food to the store. Jay-Z has plenty to spend -- he's getting $1 million to perform at the opening of the Cosmopolitan hotel and casino in Vegas on New Year's Eve. His rep declined to comment.

Any guy who spends that much money on handbags knows one thing about his lady: she'll be blowing him that night her ass is getting too big to buy her clothes. So take this gift as a hint Beyonce -- if your man actually liked the way you looked, he wouldn't have bought you accessories.

*20 Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery:

Cool hat dude

Beyonce bought Jay-Z a $2 million Bugatti Veyron Grand Sport for his 41st birthday last weekend. But get this: It doesn't even fly. Ha! What a ripoff! From the Daily Mail:

Beyonce, 29, has surprised her husband with a £1.3 million ($2 million) Bugatti Veyron Grand Sport for his birthday. The rapper, who celebrated turning 41 on December 4, is now the proud owner of the fastest car in the world. The supercar goes from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has a top speed of 255mph.

According to the Sun, the Single Ladies singer ordered the car a year ago to add to car-mad Jay-Z's already impressive collection. The 99 Problems hitmaker already owns a Rolls Royce Phantom, Ferrari F430 Spider, Maybach 62S and a Pagani Zonda Roadster.

Sure the Bugatti's nice and all, but can you imagine how much insurance is on a $2 million car? Like, a lot. Hell, I pay $40/mo for my '89 Taurus (but it is the V6). I don't think Beyonce thought this through all the way.

UPDATE: Just found out the Beyonce in this story is the same one that made $87 million last year, so in hindsight, she can probably afford the insurance. Sorry, I thought they were talking about a different Beyonce.

*17 Jay-Z and Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Jay-Z and Beyonce in St. Barts last January

Jay-Z, this isn't fourth grade, no one cares that you and Beyonce are sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Just admit that you're married already. From the New York Post:

Jay-Z didn't seem amused when an emotional Beyoncé thanked him as her "husband" onstage at the Grammys. Sources say he was taken aback because they don't like to talk publicly about being married. A source at the show said, "He appeared startled and a little exasperated." But the couple, who wed amid strict secrecy in 2008, was later all smiles at the Sony BMG party at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where they celebrated Beyoncé's record six awards. A spy said, "They were holding hands and looking happy."

I can't really fault Jay-Z on this one. You'd be embarrassed to be called someone's husband too if the only thing bigger than your wife's ass was her ego. You'd also be embarrassed if you got kicked out of Wal-Mart for not wearing pants. I will not let that happen a third time.

Jay-Z at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York (11/19)

Congratulations Beyonce, you turned Jay-Z into a huge pussy. Much like Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, and Kevin Spacey, he's now afraid of the opposite sex. From the New York Post:

Jay-Z refused to be photographed with the Victoria's Secret models for fear of upsetting his wife, Beyoncé. The rap icon would not walk the red carpet or pose with the girls at Thursday's fashion show and after-party at M2, thrown by Microsoft's Bing. A source told Page Six: "Victoria's Secret begged, but Jay-Z refused . . . he explained it was out of respect for Beyoncé." At M2, he was given a private booth so he could keep his distance from models including Alessandra Ambrosio, Selita Ebanks, Chanel Iman, Miranda Kerr and Heidi Klum.

Jay-Z was given his own booth so he could "keep his distance from the models"? What the fuck? I thought the whole reason for becoming rich and famous was so that you'd not only share your booth with models, but your bed and bodily fluids as well. Either Jay-Z really does respect the sanctity of marriage, or he's become a bigger pussy than the one between Paris Hilton's legs.*

*rumor is Jimmy Hoffa is buried in there

Jay-Z leaving Fred Segal in West Hollywood (5/4)

The Smoking Gun managed to get a hold of Jay-Z's concert rider from his performance last month at the University of Arizona (see here, here, here, and here). "University" as in "school." As in "I'm sorry sir but I don't think we have a spare Maybach parked somewhere that we can pick you up in." From the site:

When Jay-Z headlined last month at the University of Arizona, the rapper banked a whopping $750,000 for his set. But the chart-topping performer did not get every perk requested in his concert rider, since the school does not provide artists with alcohol, tobacco, or $400,000 luxury vehicles. As seen on the following pages from his 2009 concert rider, Jay-Z (real name: Shawn Carter) demands that promoters provide him with ground transportation while he is in town performing. Specifically, the rap star requires a late-model black Maybach (either the 57 or 62 model) with tinted windows.

Carter's dressing room (72 degrees, please) must be stocked with Sapporo beer, vodka, tequila, and two bottles of $300 Champagne. Oh, and the 39-year-old performer also needs two bottles (at $200 apiece) of 2004 Sassicaia, which his rider helpfully describes as a "Red, Italian Wine from Bolgheri Region." Additionally, Carter requires "Good Quality" peanut butter and jelly, one martini shaker, 12 shot glasses, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.

Rappers aren't supposed to stipulate that their dressing rooms come stocked with peanut butter and jelly. They're supposed to demand they come stocked with dumb groupies. Either Beyonce has finally begun to tame Jay-Z, or reverting to the tastes of a first grader is now considered cool. Hopefully it's the latter, which means I'll finally be able to feel comfortable about my pacifier Dora the Explorer DVDs bed-wetting.