Jake Gyllenhaal

Minka Kelly denied Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal wanted a piece of the sweet sweet ass that is Minka Kelly, but he got shot down faster than Col. Nakesh's MIG in Iron Eagle. Fucking LOVE that movie! From Us Weekly:

Minka Kelly "declined" an invitation from Jake Gyllenhaal when he asked her on a date last fall, a source tells the new issue of Us Weekly. But it wasn't because Gyllenhaal didn't measure up. At the time, Kelly had split with her on-and-off beau, Derek Jeter, and "was trying to patch things up," the source explains. Kelly's willpower paid off: She reconciled with Jeter in December.

Really? Come on, Jake. If you're reaching for The Captain's table scraps, you should probably work on that resume.  Sure, you were great in Donnie Darko and the gay cowboy movie, but you have Bubble Boy and Prince of Persia under your belt, too. Work on it. Oh BTW, I checked your Wikipedia page. You are what we MMA fighters call a pussy. Minka doesn't want a girlie-man to plant trees and meditate with all day long. What Minka needs is the relentless pelvis-pounding that only we athletes can deliver. That's what Jeter delivers, it's what I deliver, and that's all there is to it, little man.

*25 Minka Kelly pictures total in the gallery:

A dream scenario for Jake Gyllenhaal

I have a feeling Jake Gyllenhaal has had many a dream about this exact scenario . . . from the New York Post:

Jake Gyllenhaal had hoped for a nice, relaxing steam when he turned up at the 10th Street baths last week -- but arrived to find the place packed with power players in robes. Organizers of Elit by Stoli’s male-only gathering had taken over the place, with white towel-wearing guests including Nobu’s Richie Notar, venture capitalist Adam Dell, Niche Media founder Jason Binn, David Rabin and Lance Broumand. We’re told they, ahem, “let it all hang out.”

Oh no, Jake must have been disgusted to be surrounded by those nude men . . . especially since he usually doesn't take his clothes off at home unless there's at least double that many. No, what really must have upset Jake was the setting. How's a guy supposed to get a good look at another guy's junk with all of that steam blurring his vision? If Jake barely wanted to see all the naked men he was surrounded by because his vision was hazy, he'd switch places with Lindsay Lohan.

*11 Jake Gyllenhaal pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston leaving Good Morning America studios in New York (2/10)

Is Jake Gyllenhaal nailing Jennifer Aniston? You better believe there's a chance possibly, brother! From Life & Style:

Life & Style’s Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday on Feb. 11 by having an intimate dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal in NYC.

The startlet took a break from her whirlwind promotional tour for her new film Just Go With It and made her way to The Spotted Pig restaurant where she dined in a private room with a group of friends and her former hunky co-star. “Jake and Jen looked really happy and really seemed to be enjoying themselves,” an eyewitness tells the Scene Queens. “They looked like they were strategizing a way to exit the restaurant probably because they didn’t want to be photographed together.” Shortly after their discussion Jen exited the restaurant with her friends in tow.

“Jen and Jake looked very comfortable with each other,” the eyewitness tells the Scene Queens. “They were glowing.”

Obviously these two aren't going out. No guy in his right mind would dump a 21-year-old (Taylor Swift) for a 42-year-old (Aniston). That'd be like downgrading from a Ferrari to a Pinto, broadband to dial-up, or internet porn to magazines. Once you've had one, you just can't go back to the other. Besides, at her age, there's only one reason why a guy might want to date Jennifer Aniston: her experience enthralling stories about how she used to buy bread for a nickel.

*12 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

Jake Gyllenhaal at the "2011 Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala" at the Palm Springs Convention Center (1/8)

Turns out it was Jake Gyllenhaal who dumped Taylor Swift and not the other way around, as most straight guys assumed. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Gyllenhaal quickly realized the duo had little in common, and he was fast becoming bored with the pop superstar.

“They are only nine years apart in age [Jake just hit 30; Taylor nrecently turned 21], but at their ages, those nine years are more significant than they would be a few years down the road,” said a music executive who knows Swift well.

A Gyllenhaal friend in New York added, “While Jake should have realized him dating Taylor would make them as much of a magnet for the media as when he was with Reese [Witherspoon], somehow that didn’t click with him until they were already going out."

What's Jake's problem? I thought the whole reason guys want to become famous is so they can bang chicks younger than them. If Jake really wants to go out with someone more age appropriate, he should move away from Hollywood and live somewhere where wealthy/successful men are forced to date women their own age: Puritan New England Hell.

*17 Jake Gyllenhaal pictures total in the gallery:

Rachel Bilson at Fashion Week in New York (9/10)

Seems like a good way to silence gay rumors would be to start nailing the impossibly-cute Rachel Bilson. Good job Jake Gyllenhaal. From the San Francisco Chronicle:

Jake Gyllenhaal and Rachel Bilson are reportedly a couple, according to new romance reports. Gyllenhaal, who has dated Reese Witherspoon and Kirsten Dunst, and Bilson, who recently split from fiance Hayden Christensen, are an item, according to HollyScoop.com. A source close to the couple tells the website, "They're trying to keep a low profile but they're definitely dating."

This is fantastic news -- now I'll be able to rest a little easier knowing that these two have found each other. For a moment there, I was actually worried that two good-looking, multimillionaire celebrities in the prime of their careers might never be able to find happiness. It just goes to show you that if you're patient, there's someone special out there for everyone -- as long as you're rich, famous, and under 30.

*25 Rachel Bilson pictures total in the gallery:

Jake Gyllenhaal won't leave Reese Witherspoon alone

Wow, Jake Gyllenhaal is really playing out this whole "I'm not gay" charade until the bitter end. What a dedicated actor. From In Touch Weekly:

Their relationship is over, but Jake Gyllenhaal hasn’t given up on reconciling with Reese Witherspoon. According to an insider, Reese cooled the romance when she realized she wasn’t ready to take it to the next level — marriage — but now Jake is trying hard to win her back. Not only did Jake send Reese a $75,000 Christmas present — vintage dinnerware from France for her home in Ojai, Calif. — he’s also sent e-mails and flowers. “He isn’t giving up without a fight,” a friend adds.

Who the hell eats off of $75,000 dinnerware? If those plates were made out of $100 bills they still wouldn't cost that much. Either Jake has too much cash laying around, or Reese has some sort of formal dining fetish we don't know about. So let this be a lesson to any guy looking to hook up with Reese in the future: If you want to get in her pants, don't bring her flowers and chocolate -- bring her napkin rings and a charger.*

*bonus points if you know what a "charger" is . . . and by "bonus points" I mean "you're gay"

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon out and about in Venice, CA (8/30)

+ Emma Watson is now a hot college girl [moejackson]

+ Olivia Wilde is beautiful people [The Superficial]
+ Pics of 20 dorm pranks. Funny. [College Humor]
+ Michael Bay is dating a prostitute [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Top 10 funniest Jack Nicholson summer vacation photos [PopEater]

+ It's Bar Refaeli's nipples! (NSFW) [IDLYITW]
+ Olga Kurylenko has some glamorous cleavage [Popoholic]
+ Some people have way too much time on their hands [Just Jared]
+ Katharine McPhee looks uglier [Hollywood Tuna]
+ Who beat up Ashley Greene? [The Blemish]

+ A little something for the ladies [Dlisted]
+ Gwyneth Paltrow's boob fell out [Cele|bitchy]
+ Britney Spears rips off Alanis Morissette [A Socialite's Life]
+ Passed out drunk guys doing Yoga poses [CityRag]

Reese Witherspoon (and Jake Gyllenhaal) leaving the Burn 60 gym in Brentwood (7/10)

+ Hayden Panettiere topless pic from her new movie [Hollywood Tuna]

+ Kelly Brook quits sunbathing topless [The Superficial]
+ Jessica Simpson getting intimate with chocolate [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Holly Madison's cleavage is outrageous [Hollywood Rag]
+ Your Jessica Alba/Marisa Miller smoking hot pic of the week (NSFW) [College Humor]

+ Adriana Lima has pregnancy boobs [Popoholic]
+ I thought this chick was dead [I'm Not Obsessed]
+ 5 Terribly Awesome Examples of Porn Acting [Holy Taco]
+ David Arquette is trapped in a box [A Socialite's Life]
+ A little something for the ladies [Dlisted]

+ What Sex and the City should have looked like [Double Viking]
+ Jessica Burciaga is your afternoon pick-me-up [F-Listed]
+ Wow that girl is hot [Busted Coverage]
+ Top 10 Dunks of the 2009 NBA Season [Attuworld]

Jake Gyllenhaal at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, CA (4/18)

Jake, you know how you were walking around the Coachella Music Festival on Saturday trying to look cool. Perhaps you were thinking to yourself, "I'm Jake Fucking Gyllenhaal . . . I'm not letting Reese stick up for me again like she did 20 minutes ago back at the lemonade stand when that mean guy called me a fag and started laughing at me. Because I'm Jake Fucking Gyllenhaal." I hate to break this to you dude, but your fly was down. That's why everyone was laughing at you. Well that and because you missed The Killers' entire set because you were in the parking lot hiding on top of your car from a spider.

Is Reese Witherspoon pregnant?

Flynet is officially kicking off the Reese Witherspoon baby rumors. They say:

Actress Reese Witherspoon looks pregnant while out shopping in Santa Monica, CA [on Sunday] . . . she has been shacking up with actor Jake Gyllenhaal for about a year now and rumors of a wedding and baby are starting to swirl

No freaking way. The only way Jake Gyllenhaal would or could ever impregnate Reese is if he ran out of the shower screaming because he saw a spider and then accidentally tripped and his penis fell into her.