It's Not You, It's Me

Kendall Jenner leaving Noah's Bagel in Calabasas (2/21)

Kendall Jenner is officially single. Harry Styles dumped her ass due to "conflicting schedules" . . . which is just a nice way of saying he despises her family. A source told UK tabloid The Sun:
"Kendall has been focusing on modelling and Harry is preparing for work on the band's fourth album, as well as their stadium tour. The reality is that with everything going on it's impossible to sustain anything serious."
Wow, imagine how Kendall must feel. Harry is getting ready for another year of media domination once he gets back on the One Direction monster tour, yet Kendall won't be there to suck any attention from the fame cock. Mother Kris must be furious -- Kendall not only allowed Harry to wear a rubber when she plied her craft (a cardinal sin to Team KKK), she spread her legs for a fella who clearly can't run a 4.4 40. Kendall better hope that mother dearest doesn't swap her out with another sister, since they seem to fall out of Kris' crotch like dead crabs. Enjoy your breakfast, everybody!

*15 Kendall Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 1
  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 2
  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 3
  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 4
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Nina Agdal modeling for Cerveza Cristal

You show me the hottest chick in the world, and I'll show you a guy who eventually got sick of her shit. Like the ridiculously-hot Nina Agdal who just got dumped by Max George. I'm sure it didn't help that she was spotted partying with Leo DiCaprio just days before. From the Daily Mail:
Max George and Sports Illustrated model Nina Agdal have reportedly split after just a few months of dating. Max, 25 - who met Nina when they both starred in a Buffalo fashion campaign over a year ago - is believed to have ended the relationship near the time his band The Wanted confirmed their split.

A source told the Sun On Sunday: "They just wanted different things out of the relationship and had grown slightly apart. It was hard for Max to dump Nina so soon after news broke that The Wanted are breaking up. But he is being optimistic. He is looking at it all as an opportunity for a fresh start. He's not one to get down in the dumps about things."
So Max George dumped Nina and all her hotness right after he dumped the cockney 'N Sync? I can understand wanting a little distance from a douchey boy band like The Wanted (it's self-explanatory at this point), but I think I know the reason for the "dumping" of his gal there. Sometimes . . . things just happen. Maybe Max and Nina didn't have the same interests in books or movies; maybe the former lovebirds didn't mesh politically; but more likely, Max didn't appreciate kissing Nina and getting a great big sample of Leonardo DiCaprio's DNA dumped into his mouth time after time. Yeah, snowballing Leo's jizz is a real mood killer for any guy not named Jonah Hill.

*30 Nina Agdal pictures total in the gallery:

  • Nina Agdal Dumped By George 1
  • Nina Agdal Dumped By George 2
  • Nina Agdal Dumped By George 3
  • Nina Agdal Dumped By George 4
  • Nina Agdal Dumped By George 5
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Heidi Klum and Martin Kirsten in Santa Monica last month

It was fun while it lasted, but it looks like Martin Kristen has to get a real job again. Heidi Klum just dumped his ass. From People:
After dating for a year and a half, the supermodel and her bodyguard boyfriend Martin Kirsten separated a few weeks ago, People confirms exclusively.

"Martin was there for her during a challenging time in her life and it was something she will always be grateful for," says a friend close to Klum. "Life is about timing. He was incredibly supportive and they were there for each other, but they're moving on now. They still have a great friendship."
I'm not gonna say that Martin wasn't famous enough for Heidi, but E! spells his last name "Kristen" while People spells it "Kirsten." I don't even know which one is correct. Thankfully, after today, that's no longer gonna be a problem. Martin, enjoy your parting gift of hot chicks wanting to fuck you because you used to fuck Heidi Klum. I could think of worse things in the world to happen to a guy.

*25 Heidi Klum and Martin Kirsten pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Klum Boyfriend Breakup 1
  • Heidi Klum Boyfriend Breakup 2
  • Heidi Klum Boyfriend Breakup 3
  • Heidi Klum Boyfriend Breakup 4
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Kate Upton is single

After six months of dating, Kate Upton and her boyfriend, professional dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy, have split up. There was a rumor late last month that the two were having problems, and now "multiple sources" have confirmed the break-up to Us Weekly:
"They are really good friends still and speak all the time, but their schedules just made it too difficult and it fell apart," an insider tells Us. "[Chmerkovskiy] has a lot of respect for her, but it just wasn't working anymore."
Schedule problems? Oh that's rich. Take a look at that picture of Kate above and tell me that you'd ever dump her because she gets off at 5, but you're never off until 7. Schedule problems sounds like a euphemism for "I fucked a Dancing with the Stars groupie and now Kate won't return my calls." Don't forget your seat belt, Maksim. It's a bumpy ride back down into irrelevance.

*25 Kate Upton pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 1
  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 2
  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 3
  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 4
  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 5
  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 6
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Miranda Kerr leaving her apartment on the Upper East Side of New York (10/21)

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom haven't been photographed together in months because they've been secretly separated. And now they're getting a divorce. Oh well, we'll always have Kim and Kanye to keep that fire burning. The actor and supermodel -- who've been married a little over three years -- issued a statement today:
"They have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation. Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family."
I bet Adam Levine's kicking himself now for proposing to Behati Prinsloo back in July. And John Mayer -- dumping Katy Perry now is gonna be real awkward with all that sappy shit she's been saying lately. Basically Miranda is the hottest bitch in school now, and all the football players are stuck with their bitchy girlfriends. So that just leaves the dork who sits alone at lunch eating his boogers. Jeremy Piven, come on down!

*10 Miranda Kerr pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 1
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 2
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 3
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 4
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 5
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 6
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 7
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 8
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 9
  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 10

Alessandra Ambrosio shopping in Santa Monica (10/4)

According to In Touch Weekly, Alessandra Ambrosio and her baby daddy fiance Jamie Mazur are on a "trial separation." She must have finally gotten sick of his lazy eye. An insider told the mag:
"They've been living apart. They're still on friendly terms because of the kids and spend time together, but for now, they are separated and there will be no wedding."

On Tuesday night, the Victoria's Secret supermodel and Jamie both attended the Day by Day fashion show in LA -- but didn't exactly act like a loving couple.

"They arrived and left separately," an eyewitness tells Life & Style. "She showed up smiling with two friends and hung out in the VIP area about 30 minutes before the show started. Jamie arrived with a pal just before it began. They sat together to watch the show, but as soon as it ended, Jamie and his friend left while Alessandra hung around to talk to her friends. She then went to the afterparty at Wax Rabbit -- Jamie was nowhere in sight."
With Jamie out of the picture, I'm just gonna throw this out there: Bruce Jenner. He's rich, famous, and -- if Alessandra ever masters the art of time travel -- a pretty good-looking guy in 1984. Plus, watching Kris Jenner's descent into madness as she realizes her ex is dating a supermodel who's way more famous than she is would be truly enjoyable.

*25 Alessandra Ambrosio pictures total in the gallery:

  • Alessandra Ambrosio Break Up 1
  • Alessandra Ambrosio Break Up 2
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Bruce Jenner leaving Starbucks in Beverly Glen (8/14)

It's been hinted at for a while, and he's even been living in a separate home in Malibu for months, but it's finally been confirmed: Bruce and Kris Jenner have split up. He lasted 22 hellish years with her. Simply incredible -- even more so than his gold medal-winning performance at the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal. Kris confirms in the new issue of Us Weekly:
"We are living apart. But there is no animosity. We are united and committed to our family. We ended a marriage, but that's not the end of our friendship. I will always love him, but we are longer a couple in that way."
Notice what's missing? A comment from Bruce. Because when you release a joint statement exclusively to a tabloid, you have jointly share whatever they pay you. Thinking about money to the bitter end, that Kris Jenner. Hell, Kris loves money so much that I wouldn't be surprised if she starts dating the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke. "Oh God Ben, when you raise short-term interest rates, you make me so fucking horny."

*15 Bruce Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Bruce Jenner Split Up 1
  • Bruce Jenner Split Up 2
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Jason Statham and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley walking back to their hotel in London (8/16)

The Daily Mail says Jason Statham and his supermodel girlfriend Rosie Huntington-Whitely are "taking a break," but we all know what that means. He's already banging another supermodel. Hell, he's probably in another supermodel right now. Hmmm, where's Miranda Kerr? A source told the paper:
"There is no other person involved. They love each other very much and are not making an announcement because they're still hoping to working things out. But things have not been good, there have been lots of arguments and they both need some space. They are taking some time out from each other. Bear in mind there's an almost 20 year age gap between them - they are going to run into some issues."
Yes, I know Rosie is hot, but this isn't some random English limpdick we're talking about (looking right at you, Brand), this is Jason "Bad-Ass Motherfucker" Statham (aka "the guy who should have played Wolverine"). Did you see him in Revolver, or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels? He earned his hall pass a long time ago, my friends, What's RHW done in her career besides cause me to shoot DNA evidence all over the place? Yeah, she was in that God-awful Transformers movie, but then what? She's been Jason's arm candy ever since. Clearly this "story" is just a press release typed up and rushed into circulation by Rosie's people, because this "break-up" is her way of seeing things while retaining a shred of dignity. Jason's version is much cleaner and to the point: "Cab fare is on the nightstand, honey, close the door on your way out."

*10 Jason Statham pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jason Statham Single
  • Rosie Huntington Separated
  • Jason Statham Break Up
  • Rosie Huntington Splits with Jason
  • Jason Statham Dumps Girlfriend
  • Rosie Huntington Dumps Boyfriend
  • Jason Statham Splits with Rosie
  • Rosie Huntington Break Up
  • Jason Statham Separated
  • Rosie Huntington Single

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones at The Film Society of Lincoln Center's 40th Annual Chaplin Award Gala in New York (4/22)

Good news if you've ever wanted to nail either one of Catherine Zeta-Jones' personalities (I'm looking at you Leo DiCaprio, John Mayer, and Adam Levine) -- she's officially single. According to People, the two recently split up (they haven't been seen together since the Chaplin Gala in April), but haven't filed for divorce yet:
Two close confidantes tell People that [Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have] decided to take time apart: "They're taking a break," one source says.

Neither star has filed for divorce or moved toward a legal separation, sources say.

Those close to the couple hold out hope they can work out their differences. Says one family friend: "They want the best for their kids, no matter what happens."
Catherine vacationed in Canada last month without Michael (because she doesn't like him), and Michael is currently yachting off Sardinia without Catherine (because he doesn't like her), so you had to think this was coming. And who can blame Michael? He's 68 and just got over a cancer scare. He's living on borrowed time and knows that Kendall Jenner turns 18 on November 3. Wait a minute . . . I think I see what's going on here. Kris Jenner has somehow convinced Michael to dump his wife and is pimping Kendall to him for ratings. It makes complete sense now.

*20 Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones pictures total in the gallery:

  • Catherine Zeta Jones Divorce
  • Michael Douglas Catherine Zeta Jones Divorcing
  • Michael Douglas Marriage Trouble
  • Catherine Zeta Jones Split
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  • Michael Douglas Separating
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Stacy Keibler at amfAR's 20th Cinema Against AIDS Gala at the Hotel du Cap-Eden-Roc in Antibes, France (5/23)

So George Clooney probably dumped Stacy Keibler (don't kid yourself, he dumped her). The two haven't been spotted together since March and were halfway around the globe from each other on the Fourth of July. A source told People:
Stacy called it quits. She wants to have children and a family someday. She knows where George stands on that," a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE exclusively. "They talked and they quietly stopped being a couple several weeks ago."

The source also says Clooney, 52, and Keibler, 33, will remain on good terms: "They talk every day. They were friends before they started dating and they'll be friends after. It was a friendly [breakup]."
Oh yeah, of course they'll remain friends. Especially when George is linked to every model from South Beach to Sao Paulo. They're great friends, so why would Stacy care? Heck, I bet instead of hating him with a passion known only to a woman scorned, Stacy invites George and his next girlfriend over to her house in Fantasyland for an afternoon full of lollipops and unicorn riding. Such great friends!

*15 Stacy Keibler pictures total in the gallery:

  • Stacy Keibler Sideboob
  • Stacy Keibler Gala Dress
  • Stacy Keibler Cleavage Pics
  • Stacy Keibler Dumped By George Clooney
  • Stacy Keibler Close Up
  • Did George Clooney and Stacy Keibler Break Up
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: