It's Not You, It's Me

Nina Dobrev in Miami (4/28)

After over three years of dating, The Vampire Diaries' stars Nina Dobrev and Ian Whatshisface have broken up. John Mayer, Derek Jeter, and whoever else will probably have sex with her in the future must be so excited. From Us Weekly:

The couple, who first took their romance public in 2011, are "consummate professionals," the insider says, and "will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started."

Last fall, Dobrev opened up to Seventeen magazine about falling for Somerhalder. "I didn't want to be dating one of my costars -- my goal on the show was to be professional," she admitted. "But sometimes you can't help who you have a connection with, and you can only fight it for so long -- which I did for a really, really long time."

I think Ian is overreacting to this. It was just sex. Raw, sweaty, mechanical sex. There was no emotional connection whatsoever. I wouldn't even let Nina make eye contact with me. What's a relationship if you can't forgive?

*51 Nina Dobrev bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Shannon De Lima in all her glory

Marc Anthony's rep says the split between he and girlfriend Shannon De Lima is amicable, but she's most certainly lying because Marc Anthony looks like Marc Anthony and Shannon De Lima looks like Shannon De Lima. You're not fooling anyone here, bitch. From People:

"Marc is no longer dating model Shannon de Lima," his rep Blanca Lasalle tells People exclusively. "The amicable breakup became official right in mid-January."

De Lima and Anthony - who went public with the romance last January on Twitter by calling his model girlfriend "my statue of liberty" - didn't show any sign of discord before their split. The reason for their split? "The truth is they have been having a great time together, but it no longer worked," says a source.

"I'm having so much fun banging this hot chick, I think I'm gonna leave before I'm finished" . . . I'm sure that's something we've all done, right fellas? If we're supposed to believe this, for the third time, Marc Anthony hooks up with a chick way hotter than his status allows, only to dump her like a stack of herpes . . . and I'm supposed to believe he doesn't have a hankerin' for trouser baloney? I don't see anything wrong with dumping Miss Universe Dayanara Torres for a low-level A-lister like J. Lo, but now he's dumping his current hottie for who? Probably a hole in the wall of a truck stop bathroom stall. I will be shocked as well as impressed if Marc can keep his name off a certain giant quilt everybody stares at but nobody wants to be on.

*25 Shannon De Lima pictures total in the gallery:

Shannon De Lima in all her glory

Marc Anthony's rep says the split between he and girlfriend Shannon De Lima is amicable, but she's most certainly lying because Marc Anthony looks like Marc Anthony and Shannon De Lima looks like Shannon De Lima. You're not fooling anyone here, bitch. From People:

"Marc is no longer dating model Shannon de Lima," his rep Blanca Lasalle tells People exclusively. "The amicable breakup became official right in mid-January."

De Lima and Anthony - who went public with the romance last January on Twitter by calling his model girlfriend "my statue of liberty" - didn't show any sign of discord before their split. The reason for their split? "The truth is they have been having a great time together, but it no longer worked," says a source.

"I'm having so much fun banging this hot chick, I think I'm gonna leave before I'm finished" . . . I'm sure that's something we've all done, right fellas? If we're supposed to believe this, for the third time, Marc Anthony hooks up with a chick way hotter than his status allows, only to dump her like a stack of herpes . . . and I'm supposed to believe he doesn't have a hankerin' for trouser baloney? I don't see anything wrong with dumping Miss Universe Dayanara Torres for a low-level A-lister like J. Lo, but now he's dumping his current hottie for who? Probably a hole in the wall of a truck stop bathroom stall. I will be shocked as well as impressed if Marc can keep his name off a certain giant quilt everybody stares at but nobody wants to be on.

*25 Shannon De Lima pictures total in the gallery:

Taylor Swift outside The Ed Sullivan Theater in New York before her appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman (10/23)

Taylor Swift is no longer part of the Kennedy family circle. She dumped boyfriend Conor Kennedy. Wow, good job Taylor. Normally you have to get jumped out of the Kennedy family circle, like a gang. From Us Weekly:

After an intense couple months of dating, Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy have broken up, a close friend of the country singer confirms exclusively to Us Weekly.

"They quietly parted ways a while ago," the friend explains of the "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" crooner, 22, and the high school senior, 18. "It was just a distance thing. No hard feelings. They're fine."

But despite Swift's speedy summertime bond with her new man and his brood, the romance had to take a backseat to Swift's work duties.

"It's been over a month since they've even seen each other," the friend explains. "With her promotion for [new album] Red, she has no time off until the end of the year."

Let me guess: Taylor and her songwriters are gonna pen a little tune inspired by Conor and the Kennedys based on wedding crashing and getting plowed by two brothers? Or in other words, a country song. On a side note, I'm pretty sure I captured the essence of every country song ever written. Wedding crashing, cousin'-fuckin', and pickup trucks -- the only thing missing are giant belt buckles and no minorities. There's been too much of Taylor on TV this year and that's not even including Redneck MTV, or as others call it: Country Music Television. Now I don't know if Taylor jumped the shark yet, but she's definitely wearing water skis and the motorboat is gassed up and ready to hit the ramp.

*25 Taylor Swift pictures total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez split up

Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez are no longer. She dumped his ass. I guess you could say that Mark had the love of his life wide open down the seam and he overthrew her. From Us Weekly:

After a couple months of dating, Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez have split, a rep for the NFL star confirms to Us Weekly.

"Mark adores and respects Eva," Sanchez's rep tells Us. "It really was about scheduling more than anything else. They will remain close friends."

Read: "I finally realized I was slumming it with a dude who's never even been to the Pro Bowl."

"There was no drama," one source tells Us of the split. "They just have completely different schedules and lifestyles. He likes to go out and have fun. She's more focused on her career and her philanthropic work."

Damn it, I thought if there was a couple destined to be together for the long haul, it was Sanchez and Longoria. Well, I guess I can say my matchmaking skills are as good as Mark's throwing accuracy and Eva's acting: I wasn't even close to hitting the target. Maybe there's a chance to save this thing if either one of these two gets replaced with Tim Tebow. All they need is to have St. Tim inject his infectious faith deep inside them.

*15 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Scarlett Johansson at Tod's party during Paris Fashion Week (10/1)

Scarlett Johansson is single again. After dating for the past eight months or so, she and boyfriend Nate Naylor have split up. Probably because he's a pussy. From the Daily Mail:

Sultry Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson has broken up with her boyfriend Nate Naylor.

The 27-year-old Lost In Translation star, left, met the dashing advertising executive in January - after splitting up with  52-year-old actor Sean Penn - and the romance progressed quickly, with Nate, 38, all but moving into her Manhattan apartment. But last month she was pictured cuddling up to and holding hands with her ex-boyfriend, actor Jared Leto, 40, during a speech at a political rally in North Carolina.

"They never officially lived together, but Nate has moved all of his stuff out and back into his apartment," says a source. "The relationship is over. It has not been amicable."

My friends, I know what this looks like, but let me assure you that Scarlett is not -- I repeat NOT -- in Jennifer Love Hewitt Land. I know, there are certainly many similarities, but the story is in the differences. Here are some examples for your viewing pleasures: Both are butterfaces; both have supernaturally spectacular tits; both were hotter a few years ago than they are now; and both like to go slumming when looking for Mr. Goodbar. The differences? Scarlett at least tries to dress like a woman, whereas Jennifer is in full Larry David frump mode. Scarlett still has a chance to pull out of this tailspin, but if we see her pumping her own gas wearing flip flops and a sweatsuit from the 1970's, then we can consider her a lost cause.

*15 Scarlett Johansson pictures total in the gallery:

Daniel Radcliffe filming Horns in a private native reserve in Squamish, Canada (10/1)

Harry Potter will break your evil heart, bitches. From Life & Style:

In his Harry Potter role as a wizard wunderkind, Daniel Radcliffe, 23, seemed adorably innocent. But he's really a love -'em-and-leave-'em kind of guy. An insider exclusively tells Life & Style that the actor had been dating actress Erin Darke, who recently co-starred with Daniel in Kill Your Darlings, until he -- poof! -- disappeared.

"Erin thought it was a real relationship, going as far as introducing Daniel as her boyfriend," the insider tells Life & Style. "He's flown her out to London and taken her on dates and spent plenty of time with her in NYC, but Daniel just up and left New York without a second thought. Erin was devastated!"

Heartbreaker. Cad. Asshole. Man. No way am I gonna bash Mr. Daniel Radcliffe for doing what us men do, so you can go blow smoke. Daniel wined and dined this slightly above totally unknown chick just so he could have a familiar hole to bury his unclipped meat hammer, then he disappeared like the 8-ball that was on Dina Lohan's coffee table. That is what's called a classic American booty call -- and it's what made the U.S. of A the great nation it is today. God bless Daniel for assimilating into our culture, and God bless America.

*10 Daniel Radcliffe pictures total in the gallery:

Katy Perry at Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA (8/12)

Well that was quick. I guess you could say John Mayer had his fill, pun intended. From Us Weekly:

After a couple months of casual dating, John Mayer and Katy Perry have split, multiple sources confirm to Us Weekly.

"She's really upset about it," one insider tells Us. "She is making it seem like it wasn't serious with John, but she is hurt."

Katy shouldn't feel bad that her twat wasn't magical enough to trap Lord Mayer -- the man has seen them all and none have left an impression. Maybe you shouldn't aim so high -- have you ever considered a regular dude? Perhaps the kind that happens to own a celebrity-celebrating website? I'll go ahead and put my cards on the table, Katy. Unlike Mr. Mayer, I'm totally domesticated. Consider me your personal Yorkshire Terrier with rock-hard abs. I swear loyalty and obedience as long as you let me tap dat ass, yo. And I promise that as long as you're my Adolf Hitler, I'll be your Eva Braun. I'm romantical like that.

*20 Katy Perry pictures total in the gallery:

Sofia Vergara shopping at Scoop NYC in Manhattan (5/4)

After dating for more than two years, Sofia Vergara and her boyfriend Nick Loeb have broken up. Good, I never trusted that guy. What kind of weirdo name is "Nick," anyways? Freak. The New York Post says:

The Colombian stunner and New York-based Loeb broke up over the weekend following a series of arguments, sources tell us. And, on Monday, she attended the Met Ball alone.

A source told us, "Sofia was confiding in friends at the ball that she and Nick have split. They have been fighting a lot recently and have been on the brink of splitting many times. It is not yet clear if they are over for good, but they are done as a couple for now."

Another source told us that Vergara and Loeb's relationship stumbled under the pressure of her growing fame and popularity. Her success on "Modern Family," and as host of "Saturday Night Live" — as well as her obvious sex appeal — has turned her into one of TV’s biggest female stars.

On the bright side for Nick, this is officially the low point in his life -- it's all uphill from here. He could blow a homeless dude and people would still talk about that time he broke up with Sofia Vergara because she was getting too famous. He's got it made. Especially if he's into blowing homeless dudes.

*17 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

Amanda Seyfried and Josh Hartnett at the beach in L.A. (3/30)

I hope Josh Hartnett didn't spend too much on JH+AS monogrammed towels, because Amanda Seyfried just dumped his ass. From the Daily Mail:

Amanda Seyfried has dumped Hollywood heart-throb Josh Hartnett, 33, just four months into their affair. Friends suggest she still holds a flame for her Mamma Mia! co-star and former boyfriend Dominic Cooper, 33. Hartnett is added to a growing list of former beaus that includes actors Ryan Phillippe, 37, and Alexander Skarsgård, 35. Amanda, 26, told pals she called it a day as she is too busy filming Les Miserables in England to see New York-based Josh.

"Amanda's been flying home to Los Angeles when she’s not in the studio," says a friend. "She has been trying to see Josh but it hasn't worked. She decided to end things."

Can't a girl get an itch scratched anymore without it becoming international news? Josh should be happy that he spent a little time in the Hotel Seyfried -- that alone should be a career boost. Lord knows he needs it. This would be a bigger story, but since it's not 1999 anymore, there's a strong possibility that you might never see this kid on Celebslam again. The bigger story is Amanda and her addiction to guys on their way down -- it's quite unseemly. Who's next? Kirk Cameron? Urkel? Better be careful with what you wish for Amanda. That Urkel kid has what you need: a giant hose and a flatlining career. But as his wife will tell you, he'll go two to the body one to the jaw if your hair isn't parted right.

*20 Josh Hartnett pictures total in the gallery: