It's Not You, It's Me

Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner split up

One of the great love affairs of our time is over. Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne have split up. I know, right? If they couldn't make it, there's literally no chance for the rest of us. From Life & Style:

"They decided to end their relationship," a source tells Life & Style. "It wasn't working out, and they wanted to go their separate ways."

According to friends, the main reason is that they didn't see eye to eye when it came to marriage.

"She wanted to settle down, but he wasn't exactly ready," another source tells Life & Style. "They had been having problems starting in the summer with her tour because she was on the road all the time. It put a strain on their relationship."

Avril Lavigne and Brody Kardashian are no longer an item? I wish I could be the first person to say "well woopty damn do," but that honor belongs to everyone who heard about the break-up. This union probably wasn't the out-and-out fraud that was the Kim Kardashian fiasco, but it was definitely a desperate publicity agent's wet dream. Avril, enough with the phony relationships, get back in the studio and make music that sucks less.

*11 Avril Lavigne pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jarod Einsohn at the premiere of J. Edgar at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (11/3)

Jennifer Love Hewitt officially hit rock bottom in August when she made out with a reality star, so what does this count as? Rock rock bottom? From In Touch Weekly:

Jennifer Love Hewitt's latest boyfriend, 27-year-old actor Jarod Einsohn, has broken up with her — via text message, a source tells In Touch exclusively.

Despite having a dating-advice book, The Day I Shot Cupid, the 32-year-old actress has had a string of boyfriends that all seem to dead end in a breakup. In the past year alone, Jen Love has dated or been linked with Alex Beh, The Bachelorette’s Ben Flajnik and Jarod, and all those relationships abruptly ended. A source claims to In Touch, “She cannot keep a boyfriend. She is very overbearing, and if things don’t go her way, she becomes a diva and flips out.”

Jarod and Jennifer had been dating since August.

I'm starting to think that Jennifer has a problem, I'm just not sure it's her attitude. Sure, to the untrained amateur eye, the problem is her expanding and contracting gluteus maximus and gluteus medius muscles -- or in medical terms: the fart box. I know it's easy to imply that guys don't want to go to bed with White J. Lo just to wake up to Precious (an overstatement meant for cheap laughs), but there's something that we've avoided mentioning because it might be viewed as crass or rude. Is it possible -- I'm saying POSSIBLE -- that maybe the problem might simply be that Jennifer Love Hewitt's pussy stinks? Remember, I'm not saying that it does, I'm just asking the question. Who else has run through this many D minus-listers without getting hitched? Jamie Kennedy and the guy from The Bachelorette need all the career help they can get but they still jumped off the bandwagon as if it were set on fire. Or maybe she's a bitch.

*26 Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures total in the gallery:

Demi Moore divorcing Ashton Kutcher

We finally have our answer as to whether Demi Moore has it in her heart to forgive Ashton Kutcher for banging some prime college girl ass on the night on their anniversary in September. The answer is "No." She's divorcing him. She just said in a statement:

"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.

"This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."

Wow, Thanksgiving is gonna be REALLY awkward this year at Demi and Ashton's house. "Can you pass the gravy? And after that, fuck off."

If a 49-year-old mother of three can't make it with a 33-year-old guy who likes banging chicks roughly his stepdaughter's age, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Ashton's response on twitter (of course):

I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK

It's especially difficult when you fuck other chicks on your anniversary. I mean, jesus, I thought it was bad when I forgot to get my girlfriend flowers last year.

Zoe Saldana at the 2011 Latin Grammy's at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas (11/10)

Zoe Saldana must have finally gotten all those sexy pictures I've been sending her (the one of me in a letterman jacket holding a golden retriever puppy is my favorite), because she dumped her long-term boyfriend last week. From the New York Post:

Their relationship went from low-key to nonexistent: Actress Zoe Saldana and her entrepeneur fiance Keith Britton have broken up and called off the wedding, her rep announced today. The 33-year-old "Colombiana" star and Britton, 35, had been together for 10 years in a famously private romance before they announced their engagement last year. No explanation for the split was given, but her rep called it "amicable" and said they will remain business partners in their fashion website, myFDB.com.

This is why you never want your significant other to get into the entertainment industry. No matter how private your relationship is or how long you've been together, the powerful draw of Hollywood's glitz and glamour always seems to tear couples apart. Something else Hollywood seems to have a penchant for destroying: nasal cavities and movie franchises that include the names "Indiana" and "Jones."

*20 Zoe Saldana pictures total in the gallery:

Jonah Hill leaving Scott's restaurant in London (8/14)

No matter how fat Jonah Hill got (and he was HUGE), his girlfriend Jordan Klein stood by his side. So, thanks for that. Here's a parting gift. From Life & Style:

Jonah Hill recently shed 40 pounds, and now he's lost...his girlfriend. Life & Style can exclusively reveal that the 27-year-old funnyman has ended his long-term relationship with Jordan Klein.

"They decided to break up, although everyone thought these two would be heading toward marriage," an insider reveals to Life & Style.

The pair, who met while attending high school at Crossroads in Santa Monica, have dated since 2008. Just this past July, they were spotted in a hot-and-heavy PDA session in LA.

I hate to be a dick to this Jordan chick, but it makes complete sense that Jonah dumped her ass. Seriously, why would you want to date a chick who used to like fat guys? Ew. Have some self-respect, woman.

*9 Jonah Hill pictures total in the gallery:

Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio split up

Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio are no more. Reps for both stars confirmed the split to Us Weekly earlier today. But let's not kid ourselves here -- Leo most definitely dumped Blake. There's not exactly a shortage of blonde chicks with fake tits for Leo to choose from in Hollywood:

It was fun while it lasted! After five months together, Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio have parted ways,  reps for both stars confirm exclusively to Us Weekly. The pair "remain friends," Lively and DiCaprio's reps added.

Oh yeah, I'm sure they'll remain the best of friends. I bet Blake goes over to Leo's house this Friday for milkshakes.

The pair's recent split is sure to come as a surprise to some DiCaprio pals, one of whom told Us they'd "never seen him like this with a girl." Back in June, the couple were ensconced in DiCaprio's L.A. home, where Lively "spent the whole time baking....Leo's never dated a girl who can cook. And he's smitten!" The duo also bonded with one another's parents.

Is this really supposed to be a surprise? Frankly, I'm more shocked that these two lasted as long as they did. When you're rich and famous like Leo, you can't be expected to remain tied to one woman for very long. He's like a bee that flies around from flower to flower -- except instead of pollinating them, he's smart enough to wrap up his stinger. Good job Leo.

*5 Blake Lively pictures total in the gallery:

Alexander Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth at Coachella earlier this year

Us Weekly is breaking the news this morning that Kate Bosworth and her boyfriend, True Blood star Alexander Skarsgard, have split up. "Guess it wasn't true love!" it says in the story, which almost certainly wasn't written by a straight man:

After nearly two years together, True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard and 21 actress Kate Bosworth have called it quits, Us Weekly has confirmed exclusively.

"It was very mutual," a source tells the new issue of Us. "And it happened a while ago."

During a July 21 Film District bash at Comic-Con in San Diego, the actor, 34, flirted with a brunette -- and left the party with her.

"He's single," confirms a source, "and he is loving the attention!"

This seems like a bit of an overreaction by Alexander. I mean, *technically*, blowjobs aren't really cheating. Besides, I didn't even call her afterwards . . . just seemed a little too "clingy" to me, like she'd start crying or something if I hooked up with one of her friends. No thank you. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

*36 Kate Bosworth pictures total in the gallery:

Jay Cutler calls off wedding to Kristin Cavallari

"So about that whole wedding thing . . . yeeeeeeeeeeah . . . we're gonna go ahead and not do that anymore." From People:

This is not the fairy-tale ending Kristin Cavallari was hoping for. After just 10 months together, Cavallari and Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler have called off their engagement, a source confirms.

"She got dumped," says a source. "She's absolutely devastated. She can't believe this is happening. She was planning her dream wedding, the date was set, the location - everything was set. She's in shock that the dream wedding she was planning is going to end this way."

Kristin is "absolutely devastated" and "can't believe this is happening." Coincidentally, most Chicago Bears' fans had that same reaction after they traded for Jay Cutler in 2009. "You mean that smug douchebag who likes throwing into triple coverage is on our team now? Aw god dammit."

*39 Kristin Cavallari pictures total in the gallery:

George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis leaving Gatto Nero restaurantat in Como, Italy (6/14)

After being spotted together in Italy just a week ago (above), George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis announced in a joint statement today that they're splitting up. How very adult of them. Usually my girlfriend and I announce our break up to the world by her throwing all my shit on the lawn. From People:

"We are not together anymore. It's very difficult and very personal, and we hope everyone can respect our privacy," Clooney and Canalis said in a joint statement Wednesday.

Added Canalis's publicist: "It is a very personal and sad matter, and Elisabetta wants it to remain that way. She will be taking some time ... and then will face the press. She has not authorized me to say when the split happened."

In related news, I was on vacation in Cabo San Lucas last December and ate dinner here a table away from George and Elisabetta (on this night). When he got up to leave, my girlfriend asked him for a picture and he flat out said no. Mind you, she asked him after he got up from the table (she didn't interrupt him) and there were maybe 6 other people in the restaurant at the time (so it's not like there would have a frenzy of people trying to get pictures). Seriously, fuck you George Clooney. Dickhead.

*33 George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis pictures total in the gallery:

Jesse James and Kat Von D split up

If Sandra Bullock is looking to reconcile with the ex-love of her life, I've got some great news for her: he's single! From Life & Style:

Almost five months after announcing their engagement, Jesse James and Kat Von D have decided to put a pause on their relationship. Life & Style can exclusively reveal that Jesse has confirmed the split to friends. "That's what he's telling pals," an insider tells Life & Style. "He says there's too much drama for him."

Recently, the two have been taking to Twitter to air out their frustrations, and many believe their tweets have been directed at each other. "I guess I was trying to take too much from the world. Funny how things go from amazing to s--t in the blink of an eye," Jesse tweeted on June 5. "I have no regrets," Kat tweeted the same day.

Wow, what a surprise. Who'd have predicted that a guy who ditched his wife for a cheap floozy would have a hard time staying in a long term relationship? Frankly, Kat should have known from the very beginning that this wasn't going to work out. She apparently likes her men to be married, and he apparently likes his women to be on a rotation. In the end, let's just pray this upstanding and morally sound couple are able to live in happiness. Or a house that's on fire. Definitely one of those two.

*30 Jesse James and Kat Von D pictures total in the gallery: