It's Not You, It's Me


Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone break up

Looks like the rumors about Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone breaking up are true. The New York Post says the two are "on a break," but not actually breaking up. Even though that's never worked in the history of relationships. No couple has ever fucked other people for a while and then gotten back together and lived happily every after. An insider told the paper:
"They had been fighting a lot and they hadn't seen each other," said an insider. "They have both been working, but they weren't getting along."

The pair have been hard at work on their own careers in recent months. Stone, 26, starred in the Broadway musical "Cabaret," while Garfield, 31, is currently filming "Silence in Taiwan."

"He's very in his character," another source told the site about his Jesuit priest role. "He's lost weight, and he's in a dark place mentally for his performance and he's not boyfriend material right now."
Well pardon me, Humphrey Bogart. I didn't know the guy who played Spider-Man was so serious about his craft. That excuse is bullshit, obviously. If getting into character could destroy your relationship, then Christian Bale would be on his 15th wife. I guess "very in his character" is an easier excuse than "Andrew finally realized -- like the rest of America did years ago -- that Emma is really fucking annoying." Seriously, why is she famous?

*10 Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone pictures total in the gallery:

  • Emma Stone Andrew Garfield Split 1
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Irina Shayk in her work uniform

Now we know why soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo and uber-hottie Irina Shayk broke up. His penis. Or more specifically, its propensity to end up in chicks not named Irina Shayk. From the New York Post:
We're told Shayk, whose rep confirmed the split to Page Six last week, was told by numerous sources that Real Madrid star Ronaldo had affairs during their five-year, long-distance relationship, which led to her calling it off around New Year's Eve.

These affairs reportedly include a 2012 fling with Rita Pereira, a Portuguese TV presenter who has also appeared in Playboy.

Reports had spread that Shayk and Ronaldo, both 29, split after five years because she didn't attend the 60th birthday for his mother, Dolores, in January. But Shayk's camp quickly denied that.
Sure Irina Shayk is hot, but you know what's even hotter? Five chicks at the same time. And in Ronaldo's defense, sometimes it can be hard to pull that off if you have a girlfriend. Sometimes. *adjusts top hat*

*30 Irina Shayk pictures total in the gallery:

  • Irina Shayk Single 1
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Audrina Patridge in Cancun in May

Audrina Patridge. Remember her? She was the slow one on The Hills, which, considering the competition is quite an accomplishment. It's like being the drunkest one at the Lohan family reunion ("Seriously, Lindsay, listen to me, no seriously, seriously, you're totttttttally gonna win an Oscar"), or the most violent one at Chris Brown's group therapy session ("Bitches be disrespectin' me"). Well she's single now. Earlier this week she broke up with her boyfriend of five years, BMX rider Corey Bohan. Hey, I used to do that, too! When I was 9. She tweeted:
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
Oops, wrong one.
"You can't start the next chapter in your life , if you keep re-reading the last one" #future #dreams #followyourheart
How funny is that the deep quote Audrina Patridge of all people used to announce her break up is one about reading. That's like me tweeting quotes about nuclear fission. No thanks, I'll just stick to the dick jokes.

UPDATE: Just checked the Vegas books and you can get 2 to 1 odds that Audrina will choke on a crayon within the next six months. 3 to 1 that she'll get eaten by a dinosaur. Easy money, baby.

*25 Audrina Patridge pictures total in the gallery:

  • Audrina Patridge Split 1
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Eliza Dushku And Rick Fox in Cabo San Lucas in 2012

Good news Eliza Dushku stalkers: she's single. Bad news: that doesn't change the terms of the restraining order. Eliza revealed to the Boston Globe earlier this week that she and boyfriend Rick Fox have split up after five years together:
[Eliza Dushku] has split with longtime boyfriend Rick Fox and moved back to Boston to, eventually, go to school. "Rick's an LA guy and I'm a Boston girl," she said. (Fox is a retired NBA player and former Celtic.) The 33-year-old actress told us she's bought a condo not far from the Watertown home where she grew up, and is excited because it has a basement. "Nobody in LA has a basement," she said. "They all have the obligatory storage spaces in the Valley."

Dushku is not abandoning the movie and TV business, but after 22 years in LA, she missed Boston. "I'd rather be a little physically cold here than emotionally cold in LA," she said. "I missed my town and I missed my family."
Eliza would rather be physically cold than emotionally cold? Damn, that is harsh. Why didn't she just say she broke up with Rick because he has a small penis. And maybe call his dog ugly while she's at it. And his famous BBQ wings that he makes every holiday? They suck. Remind me not to ever break up with Eliza Dushku.

*30 Eliza Dushku Rick Fox pictures total in the gallery:

  • Eliza Dushki Break Up 1
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Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb in Sydney, Australia (2/22)

Our prayers have been answered. Sofia Vergara dumped her fiance, Nick Loeb. Finally, I'll have a chance to bang her . . . and by "I" I mean "John Mayer or Adam Levine." Sofia wrote on her WhoSay page:
Not that anyone should care, but in order to not give the press the chance to invent crazy and hurtful drama, I prefer to tell my fans personally that Nick and I have decided to be apart. We have been having too many problems with having to figure out how to spend time together and because of my work and now his, it's been getting worse and worse, not fun anymore. We are still very close but we believe this is the best thing for us right now.
Nick needs to look on the bright side: He no longer has free and easy access to Sofia Vergara's boobs or bank account, but he still has onions:

OnionCrunch.jpg

Yep, Nick owns that company. Sofia Vergara was engaged to the Onion Crunch King:
In the past, Vergara hasn't been happy with Loeb's onion peddling. He once reportedly tried to get President Obama to pose for a pic holding Onion Crunch on a trip to the White House with Vergara. He also smuggled in smaller packets of the flavoring, trying to get them to Obama's chef. (Daily News)
Shocked that this relationship didn't work out. Your fiancee has boobs straight out of a comic book and you're more worried about onions.

*20 Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Split Up 1
  • Sofia Vergara Split Up 2
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Kendall Jenner leaving Noah's Bagel in Calabasas (2/21)

Kendall Jenner is officially single. Harry Styles dumped her ass due to "conflicting schedules" . . . which is just a nice way of saying he despises her family. A source told UK tabloid The Sun:
"Kendall has been focusing on modelling and Harry is preparing for work on the band's fourth album, as well as their stadium tour. The reality is that with everything going on it's impossible to sustain anything serious."
Wow, imagine how Kendall must feel. Harry is getting ready for another year of media domination once he gets back on the One Direction monster tour, yet Kendall won't be there to suck any attention from the fame cock. Mother Kris must be furious -- Kendall not only allowed Harry to wear a rubber when she plied her craft (a cardinal sin to Team KKK), she spread her legs for a fella who clearly can't run a 4.4 40. Kendall better hope that mother dearest doesn't swap her out with another sister, since they seem to fall out of Kris' crotch like dead crabs. Enjoy your breakfast, everybody!

*15 Kendall Jenner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 1
  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 2
  • Kendall Jenner Dumped by Harry 3
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Nina Agdal modeling for Cerveza Cristal

You show me the hottest chick in the world, and I'll show you a guy who eventually got sick of her shit. Like the ridiculously-hot Nina Agdal who just got dumped by Max George. I'm sure it didn't help that she was spotted partying with Leo DiCaprio just days before. From the Daily Mail:
Max George and Sports Illustrated model Nina Agdal have reportedly split after just a few months of dating. Max, 25 - who met Nina when they both starred in a Buffalo fashion campaign over a year ago - is believed to have ended the relationship near the time his band The Wanted confirmed their split.

A source told the Sun On Sunday: "They just wanted different things out of the relationship and had grown slightly apart. It was hard for Max to dump Nina so soon after news broke that The Wanted are breaking up. But he is being optimistic. He is looking at it all as an opportunity for a fresh start. He's not one to get down in the dumps about things."
So Max George dumped Nina and all her hotness right after he dumped the cockney 'N Sync? I can understand wanting a little distance from a douchey boy band like The Wanted (it's self-explanatory at this point), but I think I know the reason for the "dumping" of his gal there. Sometimes . . . things just happen. Maybe Max and Nina didn't have the same interests in books or movies; maybe the former lovebirds didn't mesh politically; but more likely, Max didn't appreciate kissing Nina and getting a great big sample of Leonardo DiCaprio's DNA dumped into his mouth time after time. Yeah, snowballing Leo's jizz is a real mood killer for any guy not named Jonah Hill.

*30 Nina Agdal pictures total in the gallery:

  • Nina Agdal Dumped By George 1
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Heidi Klum and Martin Kirsten in Santa Monica last month

It was fun while it lasted, but it looks like Martin Kristen has to get a real job again. Heidi Klum just dumped his ass. From People:
After dating for a year and a half, the supermodel and her bodyguard boyfriend Martin Kirsten separated a few weeks ago, People confirms exclusively.

"Martin was there for her during a challenging time in her life and it was something she will always be grateful for," says a friend close to Klum. "Life is about timing. He was incredibly supportive and they were there for each other, but they're moving on now. They still have a great friendship."
I'm not gonna say that Martin wasn't famous enough for Heidi, but E! spells his last name "Kristen" while People spells it "Kirsten." I don't even know which one is correct. Thankfully, after today, that's no longer gonna be a problem. Martin, enjoy your parting gift of hot chicks wanting to fuck you because you used to fuck Heidi Klum. I could think of worse things in the world to happen to a guy.

*25 Heidi Klum and Martin Kirsten pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Klum Boyfriend Breakup 1
  • Heidi Klum Boyfriend Breakup 2
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Kate Upton is single

After six months of dating, Kate Upton and her boyfriend, professional dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy, have split up. There was a rumor late last month that the two were having problems, and now "multiple sources" have confirmed the break-up to Us Weekly:
"They are really good friends still and speak all the time, but their schedules just made it too difficult and it fell apart," an insider tells Us. "[Chmerkovskiy] has a lot of respect for her, but it just wasn't working anymore."
Schedule problems? Oh that's rich. Take a look at that picture of Kate above and tell me that you'd ever dump her because she gets off at 5, but you're never off until 7. Schedule problems sounds like a euphemism for "I fucked a Dancing with the Stars groupie and now Kate won't return my calls." Don't forget your seat belt, Maksim. It's a bumpy ride back down into irrelevance.

*25 Kate Upton pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kate Upton Boyfriend Breakup 1
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Miranda Kerr leaving her apartment on the Upper East Side of New York (10/21)

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom haven't been photographed together in months because they've been secretly separated. And now they're getting a divorce. Oh well, we'll always have Kim and Kanye to keep that fire burning. The actor and supermodel -- who've been married a little over three years -- issued a statement today:
"They have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation. Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family."
I bet Adam Levine's kicking himself now for proposing to Behati Prinsloo back in July. And John Mayer -- dumping Katy Perry now is gonna be real awkward with all that sappy shit she's been saying lately. Basically Miranda is the hottest bitch in school now, and all the football players are stuck with their bitchy girlfriends. So that just leaves the dork who sits alone at lunch eating his boogers. Jeremy Piven, come on down!

*10 Miranda Kerr pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miranda Kerr Orlando Bloom Divorce 1
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: