Hulk Hogan

Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Pastamania runs wild on you!

Someone is actively shopping a Hulk Hogan sex tape. You know what, I bet it's that asshole The Iron Sheik. Ever since he lost the WWF Championship to Hulk in '84, he's been out to get him. From TMZ:

We've seen a portion of the grainy footage -- featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel. In the clip, Hulk pulls his shirt off and brags to his companion, "I started to work out again." Hulk then runs his hands through his blonde hair like he always does. The best part ... Hulk's thong-shaped tan line.

It's unclear when the tape was shot -- but Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch tells TMZ, he was approached with the tape very recently by a third party. So far, no word on whether Hirsch or anyone else has made an offer to buy the tape.

Wow, it looks like the Hulkster read Pam Anderson's book, How to Extend Your 15 Minutes by Any Means Necessary, over Lent. Not a bad plan on paper, since Terry Bolea meets the criteria of being a washed-up bleach blonde bimbo with leathery skin and big [man] boobs, but I remember sending that copy to Brooke for her birthday. It's actually pretty creepy that a 75-year-old man is still hooked on fame. Hulkster, the next time you get the urge to do something wacky, do the world a favor and take a relaxing ride with Nick and reassess your life while you're blasting face first through the windshield.

*10 Hulk Hogan pictures total in the gallery:

Linda Hogan (aka Queen Succubus)

Jesus, I don't even like Hulk Hogan (I'm more of a Rowdy Roddy Piper guy myself), but even I feel bad hearing about his divorce settlement with ex-wife Linda Hogan, details of which have finally been released. From the St. Petersburg Times:

Linda Bollea, 52, who divorced Hulk Hogan in 2009, received a little more than 70 percent of the couple's liquid assets in their divorce settlement, a recent court filing shows.

In addition, Hogan, 58, the semiretired professional wrestler whose real name is Terry Bollea, agreed to give his ex-wife 40 percent ownership in his various companies and pay her an additional $3 million "property settlement," according to the filing.

Details from the settlement show Linda Bollea received $7.44 million of the couple's $10.41 million that was held in bank and investment accounts. Terry Bollea got the remaining $2.97 million.

However, he will not have to pay his ex-wife alimony.

Let this be a lesson to all the famous, wealthy, iconic celebrities out there: NEVER get married. Why sacrifice so much of your fortune for a piece of ass that's going to get old and ungrateful? The bottom line is that if you're as smooth as someone like me or the Hulk, you don't need to put a ring on a chick's finger to get her to sleep with you. Just buy her flowers sometimes, take her out for an occasional nice dinner, and don't be late when you pick her up from high school.

*15 Linda Hogan pictures total in the gallery:

Hulk Hogan arriving at LAX airport (7/20)

Hulk Hogan is getting hosed in the real estate market. After initially listing his Florida mansion for $25 million, he's since dropped the price, and dropped it again, and dropped it again. I guess you could say he's a lot like Dolphins' receiver Brandon Marshall. Seriously, catch a touchdown every once in a while you dickhead. God my fantasy team sucks. From TMZ:

The real estate market has Hulk Hogan in a serious chokehold -- because the Florida mansion he once listed for $25 MILLION ... has now been reduced all the way to $8.87 million.

Hulk has been trying to unload the mansion -- famously featured in "Hogan Knows Best" -- since 2006. He's dropped the asking price twice before ... but now, he's finally UNDER double digits. As for the 17,145 square foot estate -- it boasts 5 bedrooms, 9.5 baths, a boathouse, a pool with a two-tier waterfall, and a four car garage.

Big deal. So Hulk's house has lost a ton of value in the current economic downturn -- whose hasn't? Sure, most of us don't have multimillion dollar mansions, but on a certain level, I think we can all relate to Hulk's current financial problems. Take my situation for example: since Top Ramen raised their price from $.25 to $.30 per package, I've had to stop eating breakfast. Thank god I occasionally find half-eaten fruit on the bus. Finders keepers, sucka!

*26 Hulk Hogan pictures total in the gallery:

Creep-y

Many (like me) found it strange that Hulk Hogan attended his daughter Brooke's nude picture unveiling for PETA last week in Miami. Just settle down, Brooke tweeted on Saturday, it's no big deal that my dad totally wants to fuck me:

"Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!"

Geez Brooke, I wonder why people think you and your Dad are in some sort of "perverted relationship"? Maybe it's because there's that picture of him rubbing lotion on your ass (see here). Or maybe it's because your stepmom looks almost exactly like you (see here). Or MAYBE, it's because you bring your DAD to a photo exhibit filled with naked pictures of yourself. Oh well, I guess we'll never know where these "people" keep getting such crazy ideas.

*44 Brooke Hogan pictures total in the gallery:

Hulk Hogan at the unveiling of Brook Hogan's "Women In Cages Exhibit" portrait to benefit PETA at Cafeina Lounge in Miami (8/11)

MY CAPTION: Hulk Hogan's dream comes true and he finally gets to touch his naked daughter.

YOUR CAPTION: Leave it in the comments . . .

*45 Hulk Hogan and Brooke Hogan pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer McDaniel, Hulk Hogan, and Brooke Hogan

Hulk Hogan may have married his girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel over the weekend (the lady on the left -- or possibly right -- above), according to the St. Petersburg Times:

It's entirely possible that Hulk Hogan married Jennifer McDaniel over the weekend, given his Twitter proclivities and the fact they just got a marriage license a little while ago. "Sitting outside with my dogs and new awesome Mrs Hogan. the waves are crashing and life is beautiful. only positive vibes. like attracts like HH" Hogan wrote Saturday on his Twitter account, @HulkHogan4Real. There were, of course, no announcements of any kind about this, and we've even been scanning the announcements page. We'll have to keep an eye out for the public unveiling of the new Mrs. Hogan.

I'm sorry but it's just wrong to marry someone who looks like your daughter. If I was Hulk, after splitting with Linda, you better believe that my next girlfriend would have looked like Oprah or that chick from Precious.

*10 Hulk Hogan and Jennifer McDaniel pictures total in the gallery:

Hulk Hogan and Jennifer McDaniel at the Intercontinental Burswood Hotel in Perth (11/23)

Hulk Hogan is still dating someone who looks eerily similar to his 21-year-old daughter Brooke. If this was Puritan New England (sometimes I like to act like it is, "I'm a blacksmith!"), he would have been hanged six months ago.

Brooke Hogan shopping in Miami (5/18)

Hulk Hogan is pissed about the comments his estranged wife Linda made last week about their daughter Brooke. And . . . and . . . I don't even know what to say about these people anymore. They're all horrible, horrible people. From Life & Style:

"I can’t believe Linda would do this," the former wrestling champ tells Life & Style exclusively. "She’s lost and needs help."

Hulk vehemently denies Linda’s claim that he was “rolling and smoking joints” with Brooke’s boyfriend, Stack, during one of Brooke’s recording sessions. “Absolutely not!” he shoots back. “Brooke is a clean-cut girl. She’s very open and honest.” In fact, Hulk suggests that Linda, who filed for divorce in 2007 after 24 years of marriage, is the one using drugs. Linda has said she’d happily submit to a drug test to prove otherwise. Hulk’s response? “If Linda says she’ll take a drug test, I say bring it, brother! It needs to be done, and she’ll fail it.”

In the meantime, he just wants Linda to stop attacking their little girl. “Brooke can’t have a relationship with her mother like this,” he tells Life & Style. “I hope one day Linda will grow up and be an adult like Brooke is. Linda has to reach to her level. One day, maybe.”

Has there ever been better evidence of Karma? At this point, about the only scandal involving this family that might be even remotely surprising would be if one of them were accused of nearly killing someone dating someone half their age finishing a book without pictures. Even the Manson Family thinks the Hogan Family are a bunch of monsters.

NOTE: It's obvious why Hulk is backing up his daughter: he's confusing her with his girlfriend.

Jennifer McDaniel, Hulk Hogan, and Brooke Hogan at Brooke's 21st birthday celebration at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas (5/5)

HINT: It's not Brooke.

UPDATE (2:10 PST): Please stop with the emails. I told you, it's not Brooke.

Linda Hogan leaving LAX airport (11/2008)

Linda Hogan is taking full advantage of the controversial comments her ex-husband made about understanding why O.J. Simpson murdered his ex-wife. She wants thousands more a month from him so she can go shopping move away. From TMZ:

Linda Hogan just filed papers in Pinellas County, Fla. claiming she needs an additional $8,200 a month from Hulk so she can move "thousands of miles away" from him because Linda feels she's in "imminent danger of becoming a victim."

And if Hulk doesn't pay up, Linda's threatening to file a domestic violence injunction against him -- with special terms to keep him from using the media to bash her. The infamous cougar is also asking for $24,000 for "advanced rent and security deposits" to set up shop in sunny California.

If Linda is really worried about Hulk putting his hands on her, she doesn't need to move "thousands of miles away." She just needs to make sure her ex doesn't confuse her with their daughter. Besides, Hulk isn't the person she should fear most in that family -- it's her son. She'd probably be safer letting Hulk shave her five o'clock shadow with a straight-razor than riding shotgun with Nick.