Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner's ex Crystal Harris is a total bitch

You don't kick a man's oxygen tank when he's down. I'm sorry but you just don't. The nerve of this Crystal Harris bitch. From the New York Post:

Crystal Harris, 25, told radio shock jock Howard Stern on Tuesday that she had never seen the 85 year-old magazine mogul naked, and that their sex life left a lot to be desired.

"Hef doesn't really take off his clothes. I have never seen him naked," she giggled in an appearance on Stern's SiriusXM radio show . . . "I was over it. I just like, walked away. I am not turned on by Hef. Sorry."

Harris, who left Hefner and his Playboy Mansion five days before their planned June 18 wedding, claimed the pair only had sex once during their two-year relationship, and that it lasted "like about two seconds."

I don't know who comes across worse in this story -- the 85-year-old grandfather that lasts only 2 seconds in the sack or the gold-digging prostitute who actually had sex with the 85-year-old grandfather that lasts only 2 seconds in the sack. In Hugh's defense, I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer if I nailed someone that had tits like Crystal. And in Crystal's defense, the smell of hundred dollar bills can cover the stench of Ben Gay and Musilex.

*37 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Anna Sophia Berglund at the 6th Annual Kandyland Party at the Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills (6/25)

After being unceremoniously dumped by that bitch Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner already has a new girlfriend. I knew this tale would have a happy ending! People says:

Meet Anna Sophia Berglund: the Playboy founder's latest lady.

"With Crystal gone, Anna is my best girl," Hefner, 85, Tweeted. "Anna is really one in a million."

Berglund is no stranger to the mansion. She was the magazine's Playmate of the Month for January 2011, and has made appearances on The Girls Next Door and Holly's World.

You want to know the creepiest thing about this relationship? Hugh first started collecting Social Security benefits when Anna was three-years-old. Three. All together now: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Since this story is worthless without NSFW pics of Anna, click here, here, here, and here

*14 Anna Sophia Berglund pictures total in the gallery:

Make way for Hugh Hefner!

Hugh Hefner is officially old. He was spotted riding a motorized scooter Thursday at Disneyland. Did you know that Hugh was 29(!) when Disneyland officially opened in 1955? I shit you not. It cost $1 -- ONE DOLLAR -- to get in. He's so old that when it opened, his fiancée Crystal's mom wasn't even born yet.

I dare you to read a creepier post than this all week.

*10 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

When you have articles of clothing older than your fiancée, that's a pretty big clue that you need a prenup. Nevertheless, TMZ says:

He's 84 and worth $43 million ... she's 24 and knows he's worth $43 million -- yet sources close to Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris tell TMZ neither has uttered those dreaded words ... "prenuptial agreement."

Hef's third wedding is just 10 weeks away, but we're told he hasn't raised a prenup convo because he "actually cares" about Crystal and doesn't want to ask her to sign one. We're told Crystal doesn't think Hef will bring it up before they tie the knot.

Of course Hef doesn't need a prenup. Dude is 84. Even if Crystal divorces him in a year and takes half his fortune, he won't remember it. The only thing 84-year-old men care about is applesauce, not if they'll have enough money to live on in ten years.

*5 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Crystal Harris cheating on Hugh Hefner

Wow, this story just totally changes my opinion about Crystal Harris. I really thought she was in this marriage for the love. From Life & Style:

Hugh Hefner’s fiancée, Crystal Harris, is doing more than just making music with her former record producer, Jordan McGraw. The Life & Style Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Crystal — who got engaged to Hef in December — has been caught with another man…and it’s Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan!

We watched the 24-year-old lovebirds cozy up at the Chateau Marmont in LA on March 14. While Crystal was hoping to keep their romance low-key, Jordan didn’t care to hide his affections, kissing her shoulder and trying to hold her hand — still adorned with her 6-carat engagement ring. Despite Crystal’s impending June 18 wedding date to the Playboy founder, sources tell us that she and Jordan are very happy together.

“They’ve been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal’s relationship image,” a source tells the Scene Queens.

If you're going to cheat on an old guy with a younger man, make sure it isn't with Dr. Phil's son. Considering who his father is, the guy's probably got more daddy issues than a pregnant teenage stripper. Nevertheless, I'm not sure I believe Crystal would do this to Hef. After all, if you can't trust a woman that takes off her clothes for money and sells her soul for fame, who can you trust?

*6 Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and his fiance Crystal Harris celebrating New Years

I don't understand why everyone's making such a big deal about the age difference between Hugh Hefner and his new fiancée Crystal Harris. He was only 61 when she said her first words "sugar dadda." From Entertainment Tonight:

Hugh Hefner and his fiancée Crystal Harris welcome ET's Kevin Frazier into the Playboy Mansion for the dish on their wedding, their 60-year-age gap, and whether or not they plan on having kids!

But what about that big age gap between 84-year-old Hef and 24-year-old Crystal? Is it problematic? "I don't notice the age difference with Hef at all," Crystal says. "If anything I have to keep up with him."

Sorry honey, there isn't enough money, liquor, or light switches in the world to make me believe that you don't notice the age difference. This Crystal chick needs to stop spouting the company line and admit that hooking up with a guy as old as Hef is like making out with a scrotum: they're both wrinkly, droopy, and look like they haven't seen sunlight since the 70s.

*5 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris in Las Vegas in 2009. Awk. Ward.

And now, a completely normal story about a man getting engaged to his girlfriend over the holidays. From E!:

It certainly was a very merry Christmas at the Playboy Mansion. Hugh Hefner, 84, and his 24-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris are engaged. The two began dating almost two years ago.

Hef tweeted, "When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory."

Of course she burst into tears. You'd cry, too, if you were a 24-year-old engaged to an 84-year-old. Hell, I'm surprised she hasn't jumped off a bridge yet.

*5 Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris leaving Katsuya (12/15)

Hugh Hefner and his soulless girlfriend Crystal Harris went out for sushi at Katsuya last week in Hollywood, and Hugh brought his own damn food to the restaurant (pork chops and a baked potato according to PCN). I know what you're thinking: Hef's finally lost it. Maybe, but he gets a pass on this one. He hates sushi. It reminds him too much of his childhood. That's all his mom used to feed the family after his father left to go fight the North at Gettysburg. Those damn Yankee bastards!

*10 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Kendra Wilkinsons is still best friend with Hugh Hefner

Remember when Kendra Wilkinson used to bang that 80-year-old man a few years ago? You'd think she'd try to block those memories to stop the 'Nam-like flashbacks and night sweats, but nope, she's still friends with him. "Tell me another story about World War I, Hugh!" From People:

"I can tell you that Hef is my closest friend," Wilkinson, 25, told PEOPLE. "I'm not just saying that. He makes sure he writes to us every chance . . . He's always thinking about us, and that's a real friend."

But it doesn't sound like hubby Hank Baskett has any reason to be concerned.

"I want Hef to see how my life is - it's just great," Wilkinson said, gushing about Baskett and their ten-month-old son. "I'm just excited to catch up on things."

Wilkinson, who caught up with her long lost pal Thursday, calls Hefner a very thoughtful man. "Hef always says, 'I'm thinking about you,'" she said. "He asks, 'How are you guys doing? Are you doing okay?' "

Oh yeah, I'm sure Hef is always "thinking" of Kendra . . . with one hand on his defibrillator and the other down his pants. Am I the only one who thinks it's a little creepy that the closest friend a 25-year-old chick has is an 84-year-old man who's not her grandpa? I guess I always imagined that buxom blondes in their mid-20s would have other buxom blondes in their mid-20s as their closest friends . . . and that they'd constantly be practicing their French kissing and having pillow fights. But maybe that's just my DVD collection vivid imagination talking.

*15 Kendra Wilkinson pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner dating Jenna Bentley? 

Pacific Coast News is asking the question "Does Hef have a new girlfriend?" after Hugh Hefner has been seen lately getting close to model Jenna Bentley (here and here is what she looks like topless - NSFW). That's Hef and Jenna at the Playboy mansion earlier this month. For those of you wondering, Jenna's 21. Hef was 63 when she was born. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like he was 67. Jenna had already learned how to walk well before Hef turned 67. When I put it in those terms, it's not so "weird" anymore, is it? Hater.

*5 Hugh Hefner Jenna Bentley pictures total in the gallery: