Hookups


Leo DiCaprio in Miami in December

Well that didn't last long. Leo DiCaprio and Rihanna are no more. After a quick little fling, Leo was seen making out with another chick Sunday at 1OAK nightclub in Hollywood (a blonde model of course). Rihanna happened to be there, too, but Leo couldn't pull off the triple kiss. Rookie. From Radar:
DiCaprio was spotted hanging with a blonde model at 1Oak in L.A. on Saturday, February 7 -- and they were definitely more than friends. "They were making out," an insider tells Radar, and they didn't care who saw -- even though Rihanna was only feet away!

"Rihanna was at the owner, Richie Akiva's table, downstairs," an insider tells Radar exclusively. "Leo was at a separate table. He had his own by the DJ booth."
Of course this wasn't gonna work -- it was just a temporary thing, like a cheat day for dieters. You eat healthy day after day, but that one day a week, you splurge and get a pizza. Leo fucks blonde model after blonde model, but that one day a year, he splurges and fucks a Barbadian singer. But now he's back on track and actually inside a young blonde model as I type this. 22-year-old Mandy from Abilene, Texas. Good Christian girl. Real salt of the earth.

*15 Leonardo DiCaprio pictures total in the gallery:

  • Leo DiCaprio Rihanna No More 1
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Paris Hilton and Jordan Barrett

So Paris Hilton is banging a teenager. She and 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett were seen getting "very close" at the Cavalli Club in Milan over the weekend, according to In Touch Weekly. In Paris Hilton-speak, that means she went down on him. Dammit, we were *this* close to wiping out herpes in people born after 1996, too. Tough break, but we'll get there some day. We'll get there.

UPDATE: The Daily Mail says Barrett's parents are the convicted heads of a $9 million drug cartel in Australia. This hookup makes total sense now.

*30 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Paris Hilton 18 Year Old 1
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Rihanna in Barbados in 2013

So Leo DiCaprio probably banged Rihanna over the weekend. And he didn't even beat the shit out of her afterwards. What a true gentleman. From TMZ:
Spies tell TMZ, Leo and RiRi were gettin' super steamy and even swapping spit. A friend of Leo's tells us the kissing didn't happen ... but 2 people who were there say it did ... It's not clear if they left together but we're told they ended up at the same after-party -- along with 50 Cent -- and things got even hotter.
Wait a minute, Rihanna's not a supermodel, has never walked the runway for Victoria's Secret, and most certainly doesn't have blonde hair and blue eyes . . . FAKE LEO DICAPRIO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL LEO DICAPRIO?!?

*30 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rihanna Leo DiCaprio 1
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Miley Cyrus jet skiing in Miami (12/5)

So Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out last week in Miami. The two were partying at the annoyingly-named "E11even" nightclub when Paris noticed Miley was having trouble breathing, so she heroically gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Errr, something like that. A source told the New York Post:
"[Miley and Patrick] got there around 4 a.m. and sat at a private table off to the side -- but still definitely visible to everyone." Then, "Miley and Paris were dancing and had a whole bunch of people around them. Patrick was sitting on top of a banquette. He wasn't participating, but watching and enjoying. Miley sat on his lap and Paris was sitting on the couch. Miley leaned down to kiss Paris."

Our eagle-eyed observer continued: "All of a sudden, they just started making out, and Patrick was in the middle, cuddling them both. Paris had her arm around Patrick's waist. Then they all walked out of the club together" at around 5 a.m.
Normally this is the part of the story where I joke about someone having to be set on fire after making out with Paris or Miley, but I can't really do that this time because they made out with each other. I'm so confused. It's the classic version of a catch-22, but with more dudes getting jacked off by white trash chicks.

*30 Miley Cyrus pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miley Cyrus Swimsuit Ass Wedgie 1
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Miley Cyrus at the 2014 amfAR LA Inspiration Gala at Milk Studios in L.A. (10/29)

Are Miley Cyrus and Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Patrick doing it? Sure, why not. From E!
[Miley] was snapped spending Halloween day with Arnold Schwarzenegger's 21-year-old son, Patrick, who is a student at USC and a model. And, a source tells ET that the rumors they are dating are absolutely true!

Patrick's famous family is not too thrilled with the news. In fact, our source claims Patrick's family has tried to talk him out of dating Miley, preferring one of his exes and fearing Miley might get him hooked on the Hollywood scene.
Of all the chicks this guy could have, he picks Miley Cyrus. Is he subconsciously trying to outdo his dad for worst hookup ever?

Patrick: "Dad, you know that dirty chick who's always flashing her nipple for attention? I cooked her breakfast this morning."
Arnold: "Son, I fucked our 300 pound maid, and even I think that's gross. You're dead to me."
 
*30 Miley Cyrus pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miley Cyrus Patrick Schwarzenegger 1
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Britney Spears arriving in Warsaw, Poland to promote her lingerie collection (9/24)

So Mario Lopez may have hooked up with Britney Spears. In his new memoir Just Between Us (yes, Mario Lopez wrote a memoir), he reveals that he had a one night stand with a "major pop star." "Multiple sources" told Us Weekly that it was Britney Spears:
According to Lopez, 41, the rendezvous occurred many years ago in Las Vegas. "I'm trying not to give too much away without giving too much away," the scribe told Ellen DeGeneres on Oct. 2. "It was maybe six or seven years ago... eight years ago?"

At the time of their hookup, both Spears and Lopez were single. The pop princess, 32, split from husband Kevin Federline in 2006, while Lopez was on a break with then-girlfriend Karina Smirnoff from 2006 to 2008.
God I hope this is true. Just for the laughs imagining what was said the morning after their one night stand . . .

Mario: "So, you want to go for a jog? Maybe some free weights followed by some light kickboxing?"
Britney: "Is jog the same as ribs? If so, side of 'slaw and baked beans as well, darlin'."

*10 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

  • Britney Short Mario Lopez 1
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Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner leaving Ferdi restaurant in Paris (10/1)

Here's Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner having lunch together in Paris yesterday. Ouch. This has to infuriate Selena Gomez. Not only is her on-again/off-again boyfriend cheating on her, but he's doing it with a reality star. And yes, the stink of reality stardom absolutely trumps being known as a model. It's like if you have AIDS and a cold. Dude, you just have AIDS. Kendall, you're just a reality star.

*30 Justin and Kendall pictures total in the gallery:

  • Bieber Kendall Jenner 1
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Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez driving to her home in Calabasas (8/17)

Stop me if you've heard this story before: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are messing around again. Justin's been banging his way through the model directory, but apparently that doesn't matter to Selena, because she spent the night at his house on Saturday. That's the two of them rolling around in his Ford Focus on Saturday -- oh no, that's right, he drives a Lamborghini. And owns like ten others. He's basically the Sultan of Brunei of boy banders. Don't think for a second, Justin, Selena won't drop you in a second when you lose your fortune. Somehow I don't think she's with you for your charming personality. "Let's get high on sizzurp and then I'll stick it in your butt, eh?"

*14 Justin and Selena pictures total in the gallery:

  • Selena Justin Bieber Lovers Weekend 1
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Alyssa Arce in Ibiza (8/2)

Seriously, fuck this little asshole. Playboy's Miss July 2013 Alyssa Arce was spotted making out with Justin Bieber on a yacht earlier this week in Ibiza. What makes this especially painful is that Alyssa's measurements are 32D-24-34. Justin is basically banging a chick normally only seen in a comic book. Here. Take my dog. Kick it.

BONUS: Alyssa Arce naked here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

*20 Alyssa Arce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Justin Bieber Alyssa Arce 1
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Chloe Moretz bikini pics! (Miami - 8/2)

Here's Kick-Ass star Chloe Moretz in a bikini in Miami over the weekend. According to Us Weekly, David Beckham's son Brooklyn is now dating her:
Moretz, 17, and the aspiring model, 15, were introduced a couple of months ago through a mutual friend at SoulCycle in Santa Monica, Calif., where Brooklyn often works out with his famous father. They've "gone on a couple dates and are seeing where it goes," the insider tells Us. "They were each others' crush." A second source notes that the couple have since returned to SoulCycle to take classes together.

"They don't drive, so they had to be chaperoned around," according to the first source. "It was very cute." Up next, Moretz is planning to take Beckham to her If I Stay film premiere.
Dammit, I was always apprehensive about this day, but it's arrived even sooner than expected: David Beckham's son is now dating. The rest of us officially have no chance. You know how California is in the midst of a severe drought, with water drying up across the state? Imagine that, but with pussy. "Oh my god, I just met the hottest chick over at the bar--and nevermind, she just went home with Brooklyn Beckham. Dammit!"

*30 Chloe Moretz pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chloe Moretz Bikini Pictures 1
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: