Hookups


Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile out and about in L.A. (5/25)

Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile aren't even pretending anymore. The two "close friends" were draped all over each other while out for lunch on Memorial Day. I'm beginning to think Alicia was lying when she said she wanted to kiss Kristen "just for practice." Oldest trick in the book.

*25 Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kristen Stewart Openly Affectionate 1
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Elizabeth Olsen at the Tom Ford Autumn/Winter 2015 Womenswear Collection in L.A. (2/20)

Did Jeremy Renner's dashing good looks break up Elizabeth Olsen's engagement? Sure, why not. From OK!:
Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch may not be a superhero couple, but sources say the on-set attraction between Avengers: Age of Ultron stars Jeremy Renner, 44, and Elizabeth Olsen, 26, is the reason her engagement to Boyd Holbrook ended.

"Lizzie and Jeremy became supertight while they were filming and have been hanging out since," an insider says, adding that Elizabeth's friends were surprised she split from Boyd, 33, and worry she might get hurt. "Jeremy's not known for long-term relationships."
If you were to hook up with an Olsen, Elizabeth is definitely the way to go. I'm a huge Full House fanboy, and even I would never hook up with Ashley or Mary-Kate. Seriously, named my dog Comet, and if your name isn't Kimmy, don't even try to be my best friend.

*15 Elizabeth Olsen pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jeremy Renner Elizabeth Olsen 1
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Irina Shayk in her work uniform

Is Bradley Cooper officially over his ex Suki Waterhouse and now banging Russian model Irina Shayk? Sure, why not. Irina is famous for being Cristiano Ronaldo's top for a few years, while Bradley has been plagued by gay rumors since he became famous. Don't believe it -- it's just a smokescreen for pulling tons of hot tail. "Gee, golly, I don't know if I like 19-year-old huge breasts or not." From the New York Post:
Bradley Cooper has been spotted on a Broadway date with top model Irina Shayk. The "American Sniper" star was seen in the audience at "Finding Neverland," starring Matthew Morrison, with Russian beauty Shayk on Wednesday night. Sources tell us Cooper and Shayk have known each other for a while through mutual friends, and have been "hanging out" for the past week.

Our source added "[it is] a friendly relationship -- for the time being."
Oh yeah, it was a friendly relationship. While they were watching the play. But that's only because Bradley rarely whips his penis out in crowded theaters. Rarely.

*33 Irina Shayk pictures total in the gallery:

  • Bradley Cooper Irina Shayk 1
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  • Bradley Cooper Irina Shayk 1
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Charlotte McKinney for Guess

Stephen Dorff isn't exactly A-list material nowadays, but apparently that doesn't matter to Charlotte McKinney (seen above in her new campaign for Guess). The two were seen leaving Pacific Coast Greens market together in Malibu on Tuesday. And where there's grocery shopping, there's hot, 34DDD sex. Charlotte gets added to Stephen's long and illustrious hook-up list that includes Reese Witherspoon (when she was hot), Alicia Silverstone (when she was hot), Jennifer Love Hewitt (when she was hot), Pamela Anderson (when she was hot), and Jessica Alba. Amazing. If you're trying to find the peak hotness age of a celebrity, just find out when Stephen nailed her.

*5 Charlotte McKinney pictures total in the gallery:

  • Charlotte McKinney Guess Underwear 1
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Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner are doing it

I don't mean to alarm anyone, but Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner are most definitely banging. Justin instagrammed a pic of himself draped over Kendall at Coachella yesterday. God help me, I hope these two are using protection. The world needs a Bieber-Kardashian baby about as much as it needs a meteor strike. At least a meteor strike would kill us all pretty quickly, and we wouldn't have to relive it again every Sunday on E!.

*4 Kendall Jenner and Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

  • Bieber Jenner Doing It 1
  • Bieber Jenner Doing It 2
  • Bieber Jenner Doing It 3
  • Bieber Jenner Doing It 4

Mariah Carey in St. Barts (3/28)

Mariah Carey may be doing Bret Ratner. Mariah and the tremendously-overrated director -- who apparently likes large breasts -- were seen walking arm in arm while shopping on Saturday. Amazingly, Mariah has done the impossible. She actually managed to find someone more unlikable than Nick Canon. I guess that British dude who loves chopping westerners' heads off for ISIS was already taken.

*30 Mariah Carey pictures total in the gallery:

  • Mariah Carey Big Boobs 1
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Leo DiCaprio in Miami in December

Well that didn't last long. Leo DiCaprio and Rihanna are no more. After a quick little fling, Leo was seen making out with another chick Sunday at 1OAK nightclub in Hollywood (a blonde model of course). Rihanna happened to be there, too, but Leo couldn't pull off the triple kiss. Rookie. From Radar:
DiCaprio was spotted hanging with a blonde model at 1Oak in L.A. on Saturday, February 7 -- and they were definitely more than friends. "They were making out," an insider tells Radar, and they didn't care who saw -- even though Rihanna was only feet away!

"Rihanna was at the owner, Richie Akiva's table, downstairs," an insider tells Radar exclusively. "Leo was at a separate table. He had his own by the DJ booth."
Of course this wasn't gonna work -- it was just a temporary thing, like a cheat day for dieters. You eat healthy day after day, but that one day a week, you splurge and get a pizza. Leo fucks blonde model after blonde model, but that one day a year, he splurges and fucks a Barbadian singer. But now he's back on track and actually inside a young blonde model as I type this. 22-year-old Mandy from Abilene, Texas. Good Christian girl. Real salt of the earth.

*15 Leonardo DiCaprio pictures total in the gallery:

  • Leo DiCaprio Rihanna No More 1
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Paris Hilton and Jordan Barrett

So Paris Hilton is banging a teenager. She and 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett were seen getting "very close" at the Cavalli Club in Milan over the weekend, according to In Touch Weekly. In Paris Hilton-speak, that means she went down on him. Dammit, we were *this* close to wiping out herpes in people born after 1996, too. Tough break, but we'll get there some day. We'll get there.

UPDATE: The Daily Mail says Barrett's parents are the convicted heads of a $9 million drug cartel in Australia. This hookup makes total sense now.

*30 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Paris Hilton 18 Year Old 1
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Rihanna in Barbados in 2013

So Leo DiCaprio probably banged Rihanna over the weekend. And he didn't even beat the shit out of her afterwards. What a true gentleman. From TMZ:
Spies tell TMZ, Leo and RiRi were gettin' super steamy and even swapping spit. A friend of Leo's tells us the kissing didn't happen ... but 2 people who were there say it did ... It's not clear if they left together but we're told they ended up at the same after-party -- along with 50 Cent -- and things got even hotter.
Wait a minute, Rihanna's not a supermodel, has never walked the runway for Victoria's Secret, and most certainly doesn't have blonde hair and blue eyes . . . FAKE LEO DICAPRIO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL LEO DICAPRIO?!?

*30 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rihanna Leo DiCaprio 1
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  • Rihanna Leo DiCaprio 1
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Miley Cyrus jet skiing in Miami (12/5)

So Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out last week in Miami. The two were partying at the annoyingly-named "E11even" nightclub when Paris noticed Miley was having trouble breathing, so she heroically gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Errr, something like that. A source told the New York Post:
"[Miley and Patrick] got there around 4 a.m. and sat at a private table off to the side -- but still definitely visible to everyone." Then, "Miley and Paris were dancing and had a whole bunch of people around them. Patrick was sitting on top of a banquette. He wasn't participating, but watching and enjoying. Miley sat on his lap and Paris was sitting on the couch. Miley leaned down to kiss Paris."

Our eagle-eyed observer continued: "All of a sudden, they just started making out, and Patrick was in the middle, cuddling them both. Paris had her arm around Patrick's waist. Then they all walked out of the club together" at around 5 a.m.
Normally this is the part of the story where I joke about someone having to be set on fire after making out with Paris or Miley, but I can't really do that this time because they made out with each other. I'm so confused. It's the classic version of a catch-22, but with more dudes getting jacked off by white trash chicks.

*30 Miley Cyrus pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miley Cyrus Swimsuit Ass Wedgie 1
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  • Miley Cyrus Swimsuit Ass Wedgie 1
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: