Hookups


Miley Cyrus jet skiing in Miami (12/5)

So Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton made out last week in Miami. The two were partying at the annoyingly-named "E11even" nightclub when Paris noticed Miley was having trouble breathing, so she heroically gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Errr, something like that. A source told the New York Post:
"[Miley and Patrick] got there around 4 a.m. and sat at a private table off to the side -- but still definitely visible to everyone." Then, "Miley and Paris were dancing and had a whole bunch of people around them. Patrick was sitting on top of a banquette. He wasn't participating, but watching and enjoying. Miley sat on his lap and Paris was sitting on the couch. Miley leaned down to kiss Paris."

Our eagle-eyed observer continued: "All of a sudden, they just started making out, and Patrick was in the middle, cuddling them both. Paris had her arm around Patrick's waist. Then they all walked out of the club together" at around 5 a.m.
Normally this is the part of the story where I joke about someone having to be set on fire after making out with Paris or Miley, but I can't really do that this time because they made out with each other. I'm so confused. It's the classic version of a catch-22, but with more dudes getting jacked off by white trash chicks.

*30 Miley Cyrus pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miley Cyrus Swimsuit Ass Wedgie 1
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Miley Cyrus at the 2014 amfAR LA Inspiration Gala at Milk Studios in L.A. (10/29)

Are Miley Cyrus and Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Patrick doing it? Sure, why not. From E!
[Miley] was snapped spending Halloween day with Arnold Schwarzenegger's 21-year-old son, Patrick, who is a student at USC and a model. And, a source tells ET that the rumors they are dating are absolutely true!

Patrick's famous family is not too thrilled with the news. In fact, our source claims Patrick's family has tried to talk him out of dating Miley, preferring one of his exes and fearing Miley might get him hooked on the Hollywood scene.
Of all the chicks this guy could have, he picks Miley Cyrus. Is he subconsciously trying to outdo his dad for worst hookup ever?

Patrick: "Dad, you know that dirty chick who's always flashing her nipple for attention? I cooked her breakfast this morning."
Arnold: "Son, I fucked our 300 pound maid, and even I think that's gross. You're dead to me."
 
*30 Miley Cyrus pictures total in the gallery:

  • Miley Cyrus Patrick Schwarzenegger 1
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Britney Spears arriving in Warsaw, Poland to promote her lingerie collection (9/24)

So Mario Lopez may have hooked up with Britney Spears. In his new memoir Just Between Us (yes, Mario Lopez wrote a memoir), he reveals that he had a one night stand with a "major pop star." "Multiple sources" told Us Weekly that it was Britney Spears:
According to Lopez, 41, the rendezvous occurred many years ago in Las Vegas. "I'm trying not to give too much away without giving too much away," the scribe told Ellen DeGeneres on Oct. 2. "It was maybe six or seven years ago... eight years ago?"

At the time of their hookup, both Spears and Lopez were single. The pop princess, 32, split from husband Kevin Federline in 2006, while Lopez was on a break with then-girlfriend Karina Smirnoff from 2006 to 2008.
God I hope this is true. Just for the laughs imagining what was said the morning after their one night stand . . .

Mario: "So, you want to go for a jog? Maybe some free weights followed by some light kickboxing?"
Britney: "Is jog the same as ribs? If so, side of 'slaw and baked beans as well, darlin'."

*10 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

  • Britney Short Mario Lopez 1
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Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner leaving Ferdi restaurant in Paris (10/1)

Here's Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner having lunch together in Paris yesterday. Ouch. This has to infuriate Selena Gomez. Not only is her on-again/off-again boyfriend cheating on her, but he's doing it with a reality star. And yes, the stink of reality stardom absolutely trumps being known as a model. It's like if you have AIDS and a cold. Dude, you just have AIDS. Kendall, you're just a reality star.

*30 Justin and Kendall pictures total in the gallery:

  • Bieber Kendall Jenner 1
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Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez driving to her home in Calabasas (8/17)

Stop me if you've heard this story before: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are messing around again. Justin's been banging his way through the model directory, but apparently that doesn't matter to Selena, because she spent the night at his house on Saturday. That's the two of them rolling around in his Ford Focus on Saturday -- oh no, that's right, he drives a Lamborghini. And owns like ten others. He's basically the Sultan of Brunei of boy banders. Don't think for a second, Justin, Selena won't drop you in a second when you lose your fortune. Somehow I don't think she's with you for your charming personality. "Let's get high on sizzurp and then I'll stick it in your butt, eh?"

*14 Justin and Selena pictures total in the gallery:

  • Selena Justin Bieber Lovers Weekend 1
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Alyssa Arce in Ibiza (8/2)

Seriously, fuck this little asshole. Playboy's Miss July 2013 Alyssa Arce was spotted making out with Justin Bieber on a yacht earlier this week in Ibiza. What makes this especially painful is that Alyssa's measurements are 32D-24-34. Justin is basically banging a chick normally only seen in a comic book. Here. Take my dog. Kick it.

BONUS: Alyssa Arce naked here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

*20 Alyssa Arce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Justin Bieber Alyssa Arce 1
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Chloe Moretz bikini pics! (Miami - 8/2)

Here's Kick-Ass star Chloe Moretz in a bikini in Miami over the weekend. According to Us Weekly, David Beckham's son Brooklyn is now dating her:
Moretz, 17, and the aspiring model, 15, were introduced a couple of months ago through a mutual friend at SoulCycle in Santa Monica, Calif., where Brooklyn often works out with his famous father. They've "gone on a couple dates and are seeing where it goes," the insider tells Us. "They were each others' crush." A second source notes that the couple have since returned to SoulCycle to take classes together.

"They don't drive, so they had to be chaperoned around," according to the first source. "It was very cute." Up next, Moretz is planning to take Beckham to her If I Stay film premiere.
Dammit, I was always apprehensive about this day, but it's arrived even sooner than expected: David Beckham's son is now dating. The rest of us officially have no chance. You know how California is in the midst of a severe drought, with water drying up across the state? Imagine that, but with pussy. "Oh my god, I just met the hottest chick over at the bar--and nevermind, she just went home with Brooklyn Beckham. Dammit!"

*30 Chloe Moretz pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chloe Moretz Bikini Pictures 1
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Kim Kardashian leaving a birthday party in Beverly Hills (7/26)

You probably already know this because you obviously watch the show -- obviously, but on Sunday's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Brody Jenner let it spill that Kim Kardashian once made out with her stepbrother Brandon. Enjoy that marriage, Kanye. Via the Daily Mail:
"I feel like Brody is crushing on Kim, look how red he is," teased family matriarch Kris Jenner while they were all riding on a boat. "I think you have had a crush since you were like seven-years-old."

Brody then revealed that his brother Brandon, who sat nearby with wife Leah Jenner, had actually kissed Kim when they were younger.

"That was him and Kim. They kissed back in the day," laughed Brody pointing at his embarrassed brother.

"You kissed Kim?" Kris asked in mock horror as the rest burst into laughter.

"It's on you now. And he knows it's true," laughed Brody as Brandon squirmed.
In Kim's defense, there was nothing sexual about making out with Brandon. She simply thought he swallowed a dollar bill and she was trying to get it back. "GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!"

*10 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian Kissed Stepbrother 1
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Sofia Vergara dating Joe Manganiello

Big congratulations to True Blood star Joe Manganiello. He got his maritime license and is now motorboating the newly-single Sofia Vergara. An insider told Us Weekly:
"It's very, very new," one insider says. "They're having fun and getting to know each other."

Another source notes that they were introduced at the White House Correspondents Dinner in May, but that Vergara was there with then-fiance Nick Loeb. "That's the first time Sofia and Joe met," the source says.
Upon hearing that his ex-fiancee hooked up with Joe Manganiello, the Onion Crunch King of New York, Nick Loeb, started laughing, wondering why Sofia would date someone who doesn't have one product on the shelves at Costco. Needless to say, Nick's flippant attitude angered Joe, so he threw a car at him. He can do that.

Joe Manganiello Workout.jpg

*16 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Joe Manganiello 1
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Cameron Diaz leaving a gym in West Hollywood (5/27)

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden have only been dating for a month or so, but Life & Style says they're already living together. Wow, so Cameron lets Benji see her in the morning? This must be true love. An insider told the mag:
"Usually when Benji's in NYC, he will stay at the Bowery Hotel. But since he's been with Cameron, he's been staying at her place! They're moving really fast!"

The actress and singer seem very comfortable with each other already, according to the insider, as if they've been together forever!  "They seemed very relaxed and were walking around the neighborhood like it was their home ... just very low-key. He seems right at home with her."
First Paris Hilton, then Miley Cyrus, and now Cameron Diaz. It's like Benji complied a list of celebrities I wouldn't fuck with my worst enemy's penis and is dating them. If he starts hooking up with Steve Buscemi, this is officially gonna be freaky.

*20 Cameron Diaz pictures total in the gallery:

  • Cameron Diaz Benji Madden Living Together 1
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: