Hookups


Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez driving to her home in Calabasas (8/17)

Stop me if you've heard this story before: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are messing around again. Justin's been banging his way through the model directory, but apparently that doesn't matter to Selena, because she spent the night at his house on Saturday. That's the two of them rolling around in his Ford Focus on Saturday -- oh no, that's right, he drives a Lamborghini. And owns like ten others. He's basically the Sultan of Brunei of boy banders. Don't think for a second, Justin, Selena won't drop you in a second when you lose your fortune. Somehow I don't think she's with you for your charming personality. "Let's get high on sizzurp and then I'll stick it in your butt, eh?"

*14 Justin and Selena pictures total in the gallery:

  • Selena Justin Bieber Lovers Weekend 1
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Alyssa Arce in Ibiza (8/2)

Seriously, fuck this little asshole. Playboy's Miss July 2013 Alyssa Arce was spotted making out with Justin Bieber on a yacht earlier this week in Ibiza. What makes this especially painful is that Alyssa's measurements are 32D-24-34. Justin is basically banging a chick normally only seen in a comic book. Here. Take my dog. Kick it.

BONUS: Alyssa Arce naked here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

*20 Alyssa Arce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Justin Bieber Alyssa Arce 1
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Chloe Moretz bikini pics! (Miami - 8/2)

Here's Kick-Ass star Chloe Moretz in a bikini in Miami over the weekend. According to Us Weekly, David Beckham's son Brooklyn is now dating her:
Moretz, 17, and the aspiring model, 15, were introduced a couple of months ago through a mutual friend at SoulCycle in Santa Monica, Calif., where Brooklyn often works out with his famous father. They've "gone on a couple dates and are seeing where it goes," the insider tells Us. "They were each others' crush." A second source notes that the couple have since returned to SoulCycle to take classes together.

"They don't drive, so they had to be chaperoned around," according to the first source. "It was very cute." Up next, Moretz is planning to take Beckham to her If I Stay film premiere.
Dammit, I was always apprehensive about this day, but it's arrived even sooner than expected: David Beckham's son is now dating. The rest of us officially have no chance. You know how California is in the midst of a severe drought, with water drying up across the state? Imagine that, but with pussy. "Oh my god, I just met the hottest chick over at the bar--and nevermind, she just went home with Brooklyn Beckham. Dammit!"

*30 Chloe Moretz pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chloe Moretz Bikini Pictures 1
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Kim Kardashian leaving a birthday party in Beverly Hills (7/26)

You probably already know this because you obviously watch the show -- obviously, but on Sunday's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Brody Jenner let it spill that Kim Kardashian once made out with her stepbrother Brandon. Enjoy that marriage, Kanye. Via the Daily Mail:
"I feel like Brody is crushing on Kim, look how red he is," teased family matriarch Kris Jenner while they were all riding on a boat. "I think you have had a crush since you were like seven-years-old."

Brody then revealed that his brother Brandon, who sat nearby with wife Leah Jenner, had actually kissed Kim when they were younger.

"That was him and Kim. They kissed back in the day," laughed Brody pointing at his embarrassed brother.

"You kissed Kim?" Kris asked in mock horror as the rest burst into laughter.

"It's on you now. And he knows it's true," laughed Brody as Brandon squirmed.
In Kim's defense, there was nothing sexual about making out with Brandon. She simply thought he swallowed a dollar bill and she was trying to get it back. "GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!"

*10 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian Kissed Stepbrother 1
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Sofia Vergara dating Joe Manganiello

Big congratulations to True Blood star Joe Manganiello. He got his maritime license and is now motorboating the newly-single Sofia Vergara. An insider told Us Weekly:
"It's very, very new," one insider says. "They're having fun and getting to know each other."

Another source notes that they were introduced at the White House Correspondents Dinner in May, but that Vergara was there with then-fiance Nick Loeb. "That's the first time Sofia and Joe met," the source says.
Upon hearing that his ex-fiancee hooked up with Joe Manganiello, the Onion Crunch King of New York, Nick Loeb, started laughing, wondering why Sofia would date someone who doesn't have one product on the shelves at Costco. Needless to say, Nick's flippant attitude angered Joe, so he threw a car at him. He can do that.

Joe Manganiello Workout.jpg

*16 Sofia Vergara pictures total in the gallery:

  • Sofia Vergara Joe Manganiello 1
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Cameron Diaz leaving a gym in West Hollywood (5/27)

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden have only been dating for a month or so, but Life & Style says they're already living together. Wow, so Cameron lets Benji see her in the morning? This must be true love. An insider told the mag:
"Usually when Benji's in NYC, he will stay at the Bowery Hotel. But since he's been with Cameron, he's been staying at her place! They're moving really fast!"

The actress and singer seem very comfortable with each other already, according to the insider, as if they've been together forever!  "They seemed very relaxed and were walking around the neighborhood like it was their home ... just very low-key. He seems right at home with her."
First Paris Hilton, then Miley Cyrus, and now Cameron Diaz. It's like Benji complied a list of celebrities I wouldn't fuck with my worst enemy's penis and is dating them. If he starts hooking up with Steve Buscemi, this is officially gonna be freaky.

*20 Cameron Diaz pictures total in the gallery:

  • Cameron Diaz Benji Madden Living Together 1
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Casey Cohen in Long Beach, New York last year

Is Jay-Z having an affair with 1OAK VIP hostess and former Princesses of Long Island star Casey Cohen? How the hell am I supposed to know? In Touch Weekly seems to think they are. A source told the mag:
"Jay probably sees her twice a month. He visits her while she's working and then they slip away for an afterparty. She'll hang out with him all night, flirting with him and touching him."
From Beyonce to a reality star. From the queen of pop to a chick with no soul. It doesn't get much worse than that. That's like replacing George Washington with Hitler. What is Jay-Z's dick thinking?

*30 Casey Cohen bikini pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jay Z Casey Cohen 1
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Justin Bieber and Gigi Hadid on Sir Philip Green's yacht in Monaco (5/26)

Following the news that Justin Bieber probably nailed Adriana Lima during the Cannes Film Festival last week, here he is on a yacht in Monaco with just-turned-18 model Gigi Hadid. Damn this kid. I hope the Buddhists are right about that whole reincarnation thing, because there is no way this kid isn't coming back as the bottom of a porta potty at a NASCAR race. Gotta even things out.

*17 Justin Bieber and Gigi Hadid pictures total in the gallery:

  • Justin Bieber Gigi Hadid 1
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Adriana Lima at the premiere of The Homesman at the Cannes Film Festival (5/18)

So Justin Bieber probably banged Adriana Lima at the Cannes Film Festival last week. Who knew she had a little boy fetish? From Us Weekly:
The duo's romance got started May 20 at the 1 Oak fete at local French Riviera club Gotha. A source tells Us that the singer, who is 12 years younger than Lima, made a beeline for the Brazilian model at the party.

"Justin pursued her hard," says a pal of the mom of two, who split from husband Marko Jaric in May after five years of marriage. At a private house party later that night, "they were talking nonstop," adds the source. "They went home together around 5 a.m."
From YouTube to Adriana Lima's pussy in six years. Talk about living the fucking dream, man. I'd be happy for him if his face wasn't so damn punchable. Just one shot, Justin? I've got a roll of quarters with your name on it.

*25 Adriana Lima pictures total in the gallery:

  • Justin Bieber Adriana Lima 1
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Cameron Diaz shopping at Whole Foods in Beverly Hills (5/17)

Is Benji Madden doing Cameron Diaz? Sure, why not. From People:
"They've spent a lot of time at Cameron's house," says one source. "Cameron seems very happy with Benji. He is the nicest guy and treats her like a lady."
Hold on, hold on, taking notes . . . shouldn't . . . treat . . . women . . . like . . . whores
The duo worked out together at a Los Angeles Equinox on Friday after hitting the same book launch the night before.

"They seemed very friendly," adds another source of the gym outing. "And they looked like they were trying to avoid [being seen outside], but Cameron was super friendly with other people [at the gym]. She even taught a girl how to use one of the arm weight machines."
So we're good now? Is Cam's dicklist complete? It's fair to say that if you were a post 9/11 douchebag with an ounce of fame, at some time or another you've probably had a couple of fingers (and maybe a few other things) inside Cameron Diaz. With the exception of King Leonidas, her suitors are literally on the "oh, fuck that guy" list of 1999-20011. Benji, Puff Daddy, A-Rod, Timberlake -- I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find Osama Bin Laden's DNA evidence all Cameron's back, too. Maybe for an encore, I'll send Cameron my box of Jerry Springer's Too Hot for TV VHS tapes for her to roll around on.

*30 Cameron Diaz pictures total in the gallery:

  • Cameron Diaz Benji Madden 1
  • Cameron Diaz Benji Madden 2
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: