Hookups

Ashley Greene arriving at The Today Show studios in New York (11/17)

Ashley Greene is kicking her roommate and brother out of her apartment so a new guy she just met can move in. Maybe they should have quit drinking her milk straight from the carton. Dicks. From In Touch Weekly:

After months of saying they were just friends, Broadway’s Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark star Reeve Carney, 28, and Twilight’s Ashley Greene were spotted making out in front of a crowd at NYC's Rockefeller Center tree lighting on November 30. And the day before Thanksgiving, the duo engaged in lots of PDA at Virgil's Real BBQ in Times Square.

"They were all over each other and were talking about how great it would be to get a place together," says a witness to In Touch. "It sounds like it's already very serious."

A friend reveals Ashley recently asked her roommate and brother Joe to move out so Reeve can move in!

Not much of a story here. It's apparent that Ashley Greene has an itch that only Reeve Carney's web-shooter can scratch. Ashley didn't do anything wrong by kicking out those worthless moochers who just happen to be friends and family. We in Hollywood call that "taking out the trash." What's a bit surprising is that Reeve Carney still has a job. Wasn't that Broadway show gonna close because of African diamond mine-like work conditions? Ashley needs to ditch him and hook up with one of the chicks from Cats. Oh c'mon, you knew this story was always going to end in one of those perverted lesbian fantasies of mine.

*20 Ashley Greene pictures total in the gallery:

Nicole Scherzinger leaving Good Morning America studios in New York (10/12)

I would say going from banging Lauren Conrad to Nicole Scherzinger is a definite upgrade, especially if you're a vaguely heterosexual/homosexual/asexual dancer. From Life & Style:

It didn't take long for Derek Hough to get over Lauren Conrad! Life & Style can exclusively reveal that the Dancing With the Stars pro is hooking up with his former partner Nicole Scherzinger.

"Ever since Nicole broke up with [race-car driver Lewis Hamilton], she's been hanging out with Derek," a friend of the dancer tells Life & Style. "He 100 percent acts like he's her boyfriend."

Even in front of Lauren! On Nov. 10, Derek, 26, was all over Nicole, 33, right in front of his ex, 25, at the opening of Greystone Manor Supperclub in LA. "He didn't leave Nicole's side," says a partygoer. "Lauren tried her best to avoid him."

Who knew being a male dance instructor meant you could pull so much hot ass? I just thought it meant you liked leotards and drinks with umbrellas. Now that I think about it though, I totally see what this guy is doing. He's trying to fit in with these chicks by disarming them with his flamboyant outfits, excessive hair products, and feminine profession. It's a good strategy, but he could have just done what I do to accomplish the same thing -- use wit and charm . . . and by "wit and charm" I mean "threats and chloroform."

*15 Nicole Scherzinger pictures total in the gallery:

Paris Hilton and Afrojack in Oahu, Hawaii (11/24)

A few months ago, it was revealed that, in her quest to become the "Queen of House Music," Paris Hilton was working with producers and DJs like Deadmau5 and Afrojack. And now her and Afrojack are dating. He must really love blowjobs.

*30 Paris Hilton pictures total in the gallery:

Austin Butler and Vanessa Hudgens in Venice Beach (11/26)

Vanessa Hudgens is now dating Austin Butler, a model and actor who's appeared on shows like Zoey 101, Ruby & The Rockits, and Life Unexpected. That's Austin in Venice Beach over the weekend, doing exactly what I'd be doing if I was dating Vanessa: grabbing her ass and withdrawing a bunch of money from her checking account. You could say I'm a bit of a ladies man.

*40 Vanessa Hudgens pictures total in the gallery:

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes in Paris, France (11/26)

You may have heard the news, but Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are having sex now. That's the two of them taking a stroll through the famous Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris over the weekend. Seriously, screw this guy and his blessed penis. I hope that bandage on his hand is from a zombie bite. Although, knowing Ryan, he'll be the only zombie in history who doesn't want brains. "PUUU-SSSSSSSY"

*30 Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes pictures total in the gallery:

Emma Roberts and Chord Overstreet leaving Joan's on Third in West Hollywood (8/22)

Is Emma Roberts cheating on her boyfriend, Glee star Chord Overstreet, with Zac Efron? Sure, why not. And I bet her harpy of an aunt Julia made her do it. From In Touch Weekly:

Is Emma Roberts two-timing boyfriend Chord Overstreet with Zac Efron? Emma, 20, has been dating Glee star Chord since the summer, although they have been tight-lipped about their relationship status. But an eyewitness spotted Emma and High School Musical star Zac "full-on making out" at an after-hours party hosted by Lance Bass on October 30. "Zac and Emma both wound up at Lance’s party, and before the night was over, they were all over each other," the witness says. "They took each other's numbers and seemed into each other."

This story is obviously BS for one simple reason: Zac Efron wouldn't go to a party hosted by Lance Bass to hook up with a chick. He'd go to learn more about skin moisturizers or the proper technique for reverse cowboy. Besides, if Emma did cheat on him, Chord would probably be able to find someone else in no time. Presumably someone more like himself -- named Octave or Recital.

*18 Emma Roberts pictures total in the gallery:

Jennifer Lopez leaving the Lowell Hotel in New York and heading to the 2011 Glamour Women of The Year Awards (11/7)

Fresh off her split from Marc Anthony and apparently already bored with Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lopez is now dating a dancer. No, not K-Fed. But admit it, you thought it was him for a second, didn't you? From People:

"Yes, [Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart] are dating and having a good time," a source tells PEOPLE of the pair. "They've been getting more open with their flirting for weeks."

Smart, who has appeared in Glee, Step Up 3D and How I Met Your Mother, reportedly also dances at Los Angeles-area nightclubs. Smart also reported that he and Lopez worked together on Friday night, posting on his Facebook page: "In Palo Alto Bout to do a show w/ Jennifer Lopez for some1s birthday."

Another source describes it as "a fun fling." Says the source: "It's not meant to turn into anything more."

Didn't JLo learn anything from Britney? Dating one of your dancers is worse for your professional career than changing your last name to Lohan. Hopefully JLo is a little smarter than Britney was and remembers the importance of wearing a condom. Because racist stereotypes have taught me that the only thing Latinas are better at than making a house clean is making a baby . . . and math. Wait, math? Aw god dammit, I'm confusing my racist stereotypes again.

*15 Jennifer Lopez pictures total in the gallery:

Lauren Conrad leaving Tru nightclub in West Hollywood (10/17)

I know what you're thinking: Who hooked up with Chace Crawford? Chace is pretty cool (he got caught with a joint last year in Texas and was lucky they didn't execute him), but Lauren might be the most boring celebrity in Hollywood. I'm still not quite sure why she's famous (I'm pretty sure she scammed the Make-A-Wish Foundation to star on The Hills). From Us Weekly:

Lauren Conrad recently split with Dancing with the Stars pro Derek Hough, but she’s not wasting any time moving on to her next guy. A source tells Us Weekly that Conrad was spotted "making out" with Chace Crawford on Oct. 29.

Conrad and the Gossip Girl star kicked off their night of flirting at an L.A. nightclub and later connected at a party at actor Shawn Pyfrom's house.

"There's always been an attraction between them," an insider tells Us of the longtime pals. "[But] Lauren is just enjoying herself. She's not taking anything too seriously!"

Watch out for these two, world. The water broke and the placenta is dripping, and you know what that means: we're bearing witness to the birth of Hollywood's next great power couple. We all know that great things come in twos: Brad and Angelina, Sofia Vergara's tits, Disney child stars and cocaine -- but this mighty union is gonna rock Tinseltown like nothing we've seen. Get ready to take one in the tailpipe America, because when these two get together, the Teen Choice Awards will never...EEEEVEER...be the same again (Oops, I shat myself when I said EEEEVEER).

*6 Lauren Conrad pictures total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria dating Matt Barnes?

Is Eva Longoria cheating on her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz (Penelope's brother) with another NBA star? Sure, why not. From my experiences with her, she's extremely horny all the time, almost to the point of being insatiable. Don't go near her if you're the least bit handsome. From the New York Post:

The actress shared a flirty dinner with LA Lakers forward Matt Barnes in New York. Longoria seemed “very flirty” with Barnes as they dined with two friends at Il Mulino [last week]. Spies at the Greenwich Village restaurant said Longoria also dined with two of her close friends -- stylist Robert Verdi and entrepreneur Loren Ridinger -- but seemed very focused on Barnes.

A spy in the restaurant told us: "There was definitely a spark between Eva and Matt. They weren’t seated next to each other, but you could tell there was something between them. There was a little hand-holding over the table and a lot of eye contact."

This isn’t the first time Longoria has been out with Barnes. On Oct. 16, she posted a photo on Twitter of herself partying with Barnes and George Lopez at Club Nikki in Las Vegas.

Didn't Eva learn her lesson last time with Tony Parker? Professional basketball players can't be faithful -- they get more ass than a toilet seat at Madison Square Garden. Sure, if Eva just wants to be another floozy that Matt bangs when he's in town, she should start up an open relationship with him. But if all she's interested in is being a temporary semen receptacle for professional athletes, Eva doesn't need to date Matt. She just needs to change her last name to Kardashian.

*15 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Keanu Reeves demonstrating the healing power of his hand

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock were spotted having dinner last week in Beverly Hills which, you know, totally means they're doing it. Hah! Losers! Via Contact Music:

Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves enjoyed an "intimate dinner" together at a Beverly Hills restaurant [last week]. The pair ate at top eatery Craig's but left separately to avoid being photographed together.

Sandra - who was wearing black jeans, a white T-shirt and a loose-fitting black sweater rounded off with zebra-print heels - slipped out the back door, while jeans and blazer-clad Keanu left via the main entrance before driving off in a Porsche.

Wow, this is huge news -- if it were 1996. Also, I didn't think Sandra was Keanu's type. I always thought he was looking to date someone a little less "vagina-y." Regardless, let's just hope these two have finally found happiness. Her, with someone that won't cheat on her with another woman. And him, with someone that'll finally put the toilet seat down.

*16 Keanu Reeves pictures total in the gallery: