Heidi Pratt

Heidi Montag bikini pictures! (Paradise Island, Bahamas - 8/23)

I can't help but think something's missing from these pics of Heidi Montag in the Bahamas yesterday . . .. oh yeah, pricing! $500 for the first hour, $200/hour after that. NO KISSING!

Heidi Montag and Stephanie Pratt filming The Hills in West Hollywood (8/13)

+ Janice Dickson is fucking high [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Zac and Vanessa might be engaged [DailyFill]
+ Remember when Jenna Jameson actually used to be hot? [Heyman Hustle]
+ Penelope Cruz thong shot [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Boobs! (NSFW) [College Humor]

+ AnnaLynne McCord does stuff [NewsToob]
+ Probably the hottest chick who could kick my ass [Holy Taco]
+ Boobs 'n' Beer [Double Viking]
+ Mary Allison is your afternoon pick-me-up [F-Listed]

Spencer and Heidi Pratt at CUT restaurant in Beverly Hills (8/14)

Dumb facial expression? Check. Wife's issue of Playboy to share with anyone that gets within five feet of him? Check? Ed Hardy underwear? Check (assumed). Spencer Pratt is incredible. He can't even celebrate his birthday without coming off as a complete and total douche. Speaking of his birthday, I hope he got my present. I got him a huge box of bird flu. Ohhhh, I hope he doesn't already have it!

Spencer and Heidi Pratt at the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood (8/6)

Who at Playboy decided it would be a good idea to interview Heidi and Spencer? I need to know who to club in the kneecaps with one of those mini bats they give away at baseball games. A few excerpts from the interview (via Star):

"Life with [Heidi] is like 24/7 porn but without the obnoxious charges," Spencer declares in the September issue of Playboy, in which his not-so-blushing bride appears in a bikini on the cover.

Heidi reveals, "I was never very sexual before I met Spencer... Before [Spencer], sex was just something that happened. Now it's something I look forward to every minute of the day."

And to keep Spencer coming back for more, Heidi, who has had a breast augmentation, says she plans to give him more of what he wants! "I'm definitely not done with my surgical quest. I think I want to go bigger on my boobs for [Spencer].

Watching porn is a lot better than having sex with Heidi -- you can always press "mute." Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to get blown by her . . . but only because that would make her shut up for 10 minutes. *rimshot*

NOTE: "Obnoxious charges"? Who the hell actually pays for porn? Can Spencer do anything right?