Recently in Heidi Montag Category

Heidi Montag bikini candids!

Heidi Montag in Los Cabos, Mexico (April 2008)

FHM readers are retarded

Somehow Heidi Montag cracked the Top 10 of "FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2009." According to the magazine, ten million votes were cast by readers worldwide. The Top 10:

10. Katy Perry

Big boobs doesn't make you the tenth hottest woman in the world. The only "Top 10" list Katy belongs to is the "Top 10 Chicks Who Look Like Blow-Up Dolls."

9. Anne Hathaway

Vote breakdown for Anne: 99% women, 1% men. Anne is one of those non-threatening women that chicks like to say is hot because they think it makes them seem cooler to their guy friends.

8. Heidi Montag

Ridiculous. I can think of ten things in my bathroom right now that I would rather have sex with. Being on TV a lot doesn't make you hot. For example, I would never fuck Al Roker.

7. Elisha Cuthbert

In 2004 maybe. Is it 2004? *checks calendar* -- No.

6. Adriana Lima

Finally, someone who belongs in the Top 10. Congratulations FHM readers, you're 1 for 5 so far. In conclusion. FHM readers are all gay.

5. Madeline Zima

Who? I have to have masturbated to you at least once for you to make this list.

4. Jessica Biel

See comments for Anne Hathaway, only the complete opposite. Go up to a random woman on the street and ask her how she feels about Jessica. There is a very good chance the words "fucking" "kill" and "bitch" will be uttered.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Reputation pick. I'd feel more comfortable about Scarlett at 3 if she didn't just start working with Madonna's personal trainer (see here). I fully expect her to look like Mr. Universe by this time next year.

2. Jessica Alba

2 for 9 so far FHM readers. Just admit you like guys.

1. Megan Fox

I think the hottest thing about Megan is that she seems so dumb. I'm almost positive that I could somehow trick her into giving me a BJ within 10 minutes of meeting her. "I swear it tastes like candy."

Al Roker is a badass

Al Roker -- yes Al Roker -- ripped into Heidi and Spencer on the Today Show this morning, asking the couple if they were proud of their ridiculous behavior on NBC's I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!. After the interview was over, Roker twittered:

Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. famous for...being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15.

For the first time in his life, Spencer took the high road and refused to get into a childish war of words with Roker. Oh wait, no he didn't. He acted exactly like you'd expect him to act. He told Ryan Seacrest:

"Was the weatherman asking us questions? I thought we were getting interviewed by a guy named Matt Lauer. We were thrown off that the weatherman was even trying to talk to Speidi."

Heidi added:

"I was shocked at how rude he was. I was crying afterwards because I felt personally attacked because he was yelling and saying, 'Do you feel proud of this?' I felt like saying, 'Do you feel proud of what you're saying [to us]?' I'm a young woman and you’re coming at me so mean-spirited."

It's too bad the pre-stomach stapling Al Roker didn't conduct this interview. Old Al would have conducted the interview pretty much in the exact same way. But at the end . . . he would have eaten them. How cool would it have been to finally have Heidi and Spencer out of our hair because Al Roker fucking ate them? I would literally squeal in delight.

Heidi Montag bikini pics! (Costa Rica - 6/12)

I don't get it. Am I supposed to be turned on? I think this scale best sums up my feelings:

Masturbate Furiously <----------------------------------------------X---> Laugh

Heidi and Spencer entering the "Isolation Chamber"

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are claiming that NBC basically tortured them during filming of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!. Heidi was rushed to the hospital on Saturday after convulsively throwing up. After deciding to quit the show last week, Heidi and Spencer were put in an "isolation chamber" before producers were to decide their fate today. The couple claims that the chamber was tantamount to torture since they were denied food and water for three days. Spencer's sister Stephanie told E! Online's Marc Malkin:

"They kept them locked up and through the roof they were dropping spiders the size of [Heidi's] hands in on her in the black. They treated them like they were criminals or terrorists. She was throwing up 30 times with nothing in her stomach. She was really sick. She thought she was dying….I know they pulled such shitty antics. But being treated like criminals or terrorists? It's insane!"

No waterboarding? Not even a little? That is why you are a last place network NBC. You don't give the viewers what they want. Malkin adds:

My show insider insists the newlyweds were not only fed, but they were only in the lost chamber for about 14 hours. "They slept most of the time," said the insider, who asked not to be identified. "And when they weren't sleeping, they were laying side by side praying."

The insider also said Heidi was not vomiting: "They were in happy spirits when they came out of the chamber."

Now, sources say, Spencer is considering suing NBC for its treatment of him and Heidi, while NBC is threatening to sue the newlyweds if they don't live up to their contract and bail in the show.

I hate to see Heidi and Spencer fighting with NBC like this. Hopefully this is all just a big misunderstanding and they can get everything worked out in time to appear on the new season of I'm a Celebrity...Will I Burn if You Soak Me in Lighter Fluid?.

Heidi and Spencer are quitters

After threatening to quit twice in the first two days, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have officially quit NBC's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!. They're due back in L.A. tonight. I really hope the charity the couple was playing for -- the Red Cross -- wasn't expecting too much money. From E!:

All told, the duo's run will last just two episodes. They will appear in a taped segment of tonight's show, but will not take part in the live portion of the telecast. Sources confirm to E! News that the Pratts are scheduled to return to Los Angeles just after midnight tonight.

"They're leaving right after the live portion of the show," an NBC source said. "The fact that they are leaving the show and deserting their charities is lame."

The identity of [Heidi and Spencer's] replacement(s) remains hush-hush at this point, though the DailyFill reports that producers are doing their best to keep it in the family, naming Daniel Baldwin, whose brother Stephen is already on the show, and Heidi's sister Holly Montag as the top contenders.

Holly as a replacement? Fuck that. The producers have to find a way to get Audrina in that Costa Rican jungle. "Hey Mr. Wilderness Expert, look at this cute little frog I caught! I like petting him because his skin is so soft" . . . "Um Audrina, that's a poison dart frog. We warned you about those. We even made you watch a 4 hour safety video. You have 6 minutes to live" . . . "Hey, there's another one! Come back here froggie!"

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt filming a promo for I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! in L.A. (5/23)

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have already tried to quit NBC's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! twice, but were convinced by producers to stay on. Oh, and it's only the second day of filming. From E!:

"They wanted to be treated like stars," a high-level source on the series tells E! News' Ryan Seacrest. "[Spencer] literally thought he and Heidi were staying in a Four Seasons, working out and getting a tan."

The two refused to eat the same food as the rest of the cast, and complained about being teamed with low-wattage stars, among them former model/reality-show queen Janice Dickinson, actors Stephen Baldwin and Lou Diamond Phillips, former NBA star John Salley and American Idol castoff Sanjaya Malakar. An NBC exec had to coax the newlyweds to remain on board.

"I wish they got some real celebrities like K-Fed," groused Montag, per the network insider.

Thank god Heidi and Spencer were convinced to stay on the show. Because the more time they spend in the jungles of Costa Rica, the better chance they have of catching some crazy tropical disease. Personally I'm hoping they catch the rare shutthefuckupitis, a debilitating virus that attacks the vocal cords.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt leaving Spago restaurant in Beverly Hills (5/13)

+ At least she wore panties (NSFW) [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Miley Cyrus is fat [DailyFill]
+ Olivia Wilde is That Sexy [Egotastic!]
+ Mick Jagger's daughter is topless (NSFW) [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Sofia Vergara should be more famous [Lossip]

+ Kelly Brook looks rather awesome in a bikini [NewsToob]
+ Bridget Moynahan's hottest pic EVER [Holy Taco]
+ Huge boobs are awesome [Double Viking]
+ Denise Milani is your afternoon pick-me-up [F-Listed]

Janice Dickinson, Heidi Montag, and Spencer Pratt at a gas station in Beverly Hills (5/11)

The one time you really need a gas station to explode into a hellish fireball of burning shrapnel and death, it doesn't happen. That kind of bad luck deserves a sad face :(

NOTE TO SPENCER: In this pic, is that your new car to the right? If so, fuck you.

Heidi Montag sucks

Last week it was revealed that Heidi Montag is in negotiations with Playboy to appear in the magazine (as either the July or August cover girl). Well of course she found a way to fuck it up. Bitch isn't even gonna be naked. From E!:

Sadly, Mrs. Spencer Pratt's R-rated areas, including her Hills, will be kept under wraps. Although she will be scantily clad, she will be covering the "necessary parts," the insiders says.

In case you're among the five people who pick up the lad mag "for the articles," the reality-television duo will score a feature story as well.

This story raises three important questions. 1. If you can't see Heidi's "necessary parts," what's the point of buying the magazine? 2. If the line "the reality-television duo will score a feature story as well" means that Spencer will somehow be involved with the issue, whose jaw at Playboy's headquarters should I schedule an appointment with my fist with? And 3. Now that Heidi apparently won't be showing any real skin, what the hell am I supposed to do with 12 gallons of hand lotion?