Recently in Heidi Montag Category

Heidi Spencer Halloween Costume

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt out and about in L.A. (10/28) Halloween Costume

Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag at Cafe Midi in L.A. (10/26)

That's Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag at the first annual "Coloring Book Summit 2009" yesterday at Cafe Midi. Since the event is still in its infancy, attendance was sparse with only Audrina and Heidi showing up. According to Audrina, she hopes to "quadruple the attendance next year and get three people total." Good for her.

Heidi Montag out and about in Malibu (10/16)

Heidi Montag wouldn't go to her sister Holly's birthday party at Empire nightclub last weekend because the club wouldn't pay her an appearance fee. I hate to break this to you Heidi, but you're not that important. No one cares about you. If you showed up to a club I was at, I would go somewhere else, or just go home. From Fox News:

Holly Montag celebrated her 26th Birthday at Empire Hollywood in Los Angeles on Saturday night, but notably absent from the festive affair was Holly’s little sis, Heidi Montag and her hubby Spencer Pratt. We’re told Heidi was invited, but was a no-show.

"Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid," an insider snitched to Tarts. "I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting."

Doesn't this seem backwards? You'd think it would be Heidi that would have to pay for people to show up at her events. Sadly, selling out your family to make a few bucks is nothing new in Hollywood -- Joe Jackson is actually teaching a class about it next semester at UCLA. Of course, if Heidi really wants to surround herself with people that pay to hang out with her, there's always one other option: join a sorority.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag with their new puppies Dolly and Ninja in the Hollywood Hills (10/6)

Honestly, those two need to put out of their misery. Kidnap them, take them to a local animal shelter, inject them full of drugs, and put them to sleep. As for the puppies, we should definitely let them go. They're so cute!

Heidi Montag out and about in Hollywood (9/17)

In what amounts to ABC flipping a giant middle finger at housewives across America, Heidi Montag is set to guest host The View next month. From UPI:

U.S. reality television personality Heidi Montag has signed up to be a guest co-host on "The View," ABC said Thursday.

Montag, best known for her work on "The Hills" and "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here," is set to be a panelist on "The View" Oct. 1.

She is the latest celebrity scheduled to sit in for Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who is on maternity leave until mid-October.

Not that I would watch this show under any circumstances whatsoever, but . . . really? Heidi's the best they could do? I guess Tyson the Skateboarding Bulldog and that waterskiing squirrel both had a prior commitment. I can't help but think this is a huge mistake by producers of The View. They're totally alienating their core audience: females who hate dumb whores, 35-49.

Heidi Montag bikini candids! (Paradise Island, Bahamas - 8/24)

Note to Heidi Montag: You don't have to act like a complete idiot in every picture that's taken of you. Honestly, you don't. You're not in a softcore porn film.* It's just sunscreen. It protects you from cancer. You don't have to moan and act like you're having an orgasm. This is why everyone hates you.

Note to Spencer Pratt: See above, but add four "fuck yous"

*yet. I give her a few years and a missed car payment or two.

Heidi Montag bikini pictures! (Paradise Island, Bahamas - 8/23)

I can't help but think something's missing from these pics of Heidi Montag in the Bahamas yesterday . . .. oh yeah, pricing! $500 for the first hour, $200/hour after that. NO KISSING!

Heidi Montag and Stephanie Pratt filming The Hills in West Hollywood (8/13)

+ Janice Dickson is fucking high [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Zac and Vanessa might be engaged [DailyFill]
+ Remember when Jenna Jameson actually used to be hot? [Heyman Hustle]
+ Penelope Cruz thong shot [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Boobs! (NSFW) [College Humor]

+ AnnaLynne McCord does stuff [NewsToob]
+ Probably the hottest chick who could kick my ass [Holy Taco]
+ Boobs 'n' Beer [Double Viking]
+ Mary Allison is your afternoon pick-me-up [F-Listed]

Spencer and Heidi Pratt at CUT restaurant in Beverly Hills (8/14)

Dumb facial expression? Check. Wife's issue of Playboy to share with anyone that gets within five feet of him? Check? Ed Hardy underwear? Check (assumed). Spencer Pratt is incredible. He can't even celebrate his birthday without coming off as a complete and total douche. Speaking of his birthday, I hope he got my present. I got him a huge box of bird flu. Ohhhh, I hope he doesn't already have it!

Spencer and Heidi Pratt at the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood (8/6)

Who at Playboy decided it would be a good idea to interview Heidi and Spencer? I need to know who to club in the kneecaps with one of those mini bats they give away at baseball games. A few excerpts from the interview (via Star):

"Life with [Heidi] is like 24/7 porn but without the obnoxious charges," Spencer declares in the September issue of Playboy, in which his not-so-blushing bride appears in a bikini on the cover.

Heidi reveals, "I was never very sexual before I met Spencer... Before [Spencer], sex was just something that happened. Now it's something I look forward to every minute of the day."

And to keep Spencer coming back for more, Heidi, who has had a breast augmentation, says she plans to give him more of what he wants! "I'm definitely not done with my surgical quest. I think I want to go bigger on my boobs for [Spencer].

Watching porn is a lot better than having sex with Heidi -- you can always press "mute." Now don't get me wrong, I'd love to get blown by her . . . but only because that would make her shut up for 10 minutes. *rimshot*

NOTE: "Obnoxious charges"? Who the hell actually pays for porn? Can Spencer do anything right?