Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in Mexico in 2008

Remember all those cheesy staged photoshoots Heidi and Spencer from The Hills used to do? Turns out they made half a fucking million on them. A year. Of course they blew all the money (in Heidi's case, literally), but still, the two were god damn evil geniuses. From their appearance on Bethenny earlier this week:
Bethenny: First of all you were on every magazine. You must have been stalked by paparazzi. What's that like now? Are they still following you? Do they still take pictures?
Spencer: They were never following us. I was calling them.
Bethenny: You are so honest. I really like that. You were calling them.
Spencer: We were in a partnership with them. There's big money in there. Was. Every photo you take they are selling them to the tabloids so if you partner up with them you get a cut.
Bethenny: Wow you got a deal with them not for holding a product but just for sitting by a pool.
Spencer: Any photo you see. We were making like half a million dollars in photos a year.
Heidi: It's a different economy now, a different market. There's not really that market now. We kind of were at the peak at that time.
Just so we're clear, Heidi and Spencer think the reason why they've been reduced to appearing on The Praying Mantis Show is because the economy stinks? Sure, things were better back when MTV created scripted "reality" TV shows like The Hills, but it's not as if Heidi or that albino dick hole of a husband bothered to keep up with what the masses wanted to watch. Anyone from porn actresses, to tire jockeys, to racist pastry chefs can be celebrities -- it just takes a little work (well, I guess selling one's soul probably isn't considered work these days). Do Heidi and Spencer want to get back in the mix of things? Well, whip out the GoPro and film Heidi getting DP'ed by fellow has-beens the Jonas brothers and whoever's left alive from the original cast of the Real World.

*30 Heidi and Spencer pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Spencer Picture Payday 1
  • Heidi Spencer Picture Payday 2
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Heidi Montag breasts in their former glory

Apologies for writing about Heidi Montag twice in one week, but freakishly large breasts fascinate me like nothing else. In the new Us Weekly, Heidi expands on why exactly she got -- and it pains me to even type this combination of words -- a breast reduction:
"[The doctor] told me they were falling through the bottom, and I got scared. It's super dangerous. They can fall through to your belly button! I couldn't conceptualize the weight of them in my body. They felt like bowling balls on my chest ... I'm the new, new, new Heidi! Now my spine doesn't hurt and my neck feels better. It's like I can breath for the first time in years. I am just more comfortable in my skin. And I can wear cuter, tighter shirts. I don't even have to wear a bra!"
Uh...why is this person still speaking to me? Heidi committed a mortal sin, according to the Holy Writings of Celebslam -- she lopped her personality enhancers off and is expecting fist bumps for her sacrilege. Hey, if you have the big C or even have it in your family history a la Angelina Jolie, I say start cutting until you hit bone. But if you're a talentless reality star who CHOSE to get her knockers silly-sized, then don't have them reduced and expect to be respected for the decision -- it's just not happening. Now I'll repeat what every elementary school teacher, guidance counselor, and probably a few of her family members have told her over the years and say: Heidi, go away and don't come back unless you have freakishly large tits again. Your personality is about as interesting as watching cream of wheat get cold.

*28 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Talks Tits 1
  • Heidi Montag Talks Tits 2
  • Heidi Montag Talks Tits 3
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Heidi Montag in Costa Rica in 2010

Heidi Montag has done the unthinkable. No, she hasn't suddenly become likable. She got a breast reduction, going from an F cup to a measly D cup. Sacrilege! From Entertainment Tonight:
"I do regret getting the implants," she candidly admitted to ET. "...My new doctor was like, 'You should never have been allowed by the doctor to get implants this big. ... I put my security and sexuality in my breast size instead of my confidence."

As a result of her implants, the 27-year-old reality celebrity says she's experienced major health problems, including a ruptured disc in her neck, muscular and spinal damage to her back, and numbness in her arm due to pinched nerves.
Ruptured disk? Muscular damage? Spinal damage? Pinched nerves? None of that justifies removing your circus freak tits, Heidi. Shame on you. God gave you those for a reason, or at least he gave the plastic surgeon the ability to give you those for a reason. And now, you're basically slapping him in the face. I wouldn't be surprised if you get hit by lightning the next time you go out to pick up your food stamps.

*30 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Breast Reduction 1
  • Heidi Montag Breast Reduction 2
  • Heidi Montag Breast Reduction 3
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Heidi Montag at the Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas (10/19)

Heidi Montag made a rare appearance on Friday night, hosting the Crazy Horse III Gentlemen's Club's 3-Year Anniversary Party in Las Vegas. And, continuing the theme of everything in her life being an utter disappointment, she was clothed the entire time. Yep, she hosted a strip club party and didn't show off her big ol' fake titties. There's some parts of the South where you can get shot for that (Florida, but that was assumed). Heidi, please go away again. If you make another appearance, it better be in a sex tape where you're getting fucked by a clown or something crazy like that.

*34 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Strip Club 1
  • Heidi Montag Strip Club 2
  • Heidi Montag Strip Club 3
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Heidi Montag looks like hell

Heidi Montag rose from the grave and celebrated her birthday Friday night at the Hard Rock's Vanity nightclub in Las Vegas. Wow, her face looks . . . wow. And since women who get a lot of plastic surgery are known to age gracefully over time (just like Joan Rivers), I bet she looks like a beautiful, elegant princess in 25 years. Let's meet back at this post in 2036 and see if I was right.

*30 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Weird Face 1
  • Heidi Montag Weird Face 2
  • Heidi Montag Weird Face 3
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Heidi Montag bikini pics!

Here's some pics of Heidi Montag hosting the "Sexy Poolside Affair" at Wet Republic at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas on Saturday. Wow, we haven't seen her big ol' fake titties in a long time. I'm not exactly sure where she went, but judging by the picture above, she was away at finishing school. Remember Heidi, a true lady always keeps her pinky out when pouring champagne over herself. Especially with so many gentleman callers on hand.

*57 Heidi Montag bikini pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Bikini Champagne 1
  • Heidi Montag Bikini Champagne 2
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Paparazzi photos from Wednesday, April 6

Heidi Montag filming her new reality show in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Anna Torv filming Fringe in Vancouver (pics start here)

Mandy Moore volunteering at the San Diego Food Bank (pics start here)

Camilla Belle arriving at the Staples Center in L.A. (pics start here)

Jordana Brewster leaving Whole Foods in Brentwood (pics start here)

Emma Stone leaving a pilates studio in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Angelina Jolie arriving for a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Christina Ricci arriving at LAX airport (pics start here)

Courtney Thorne-Smith at the Brentwood Country Mart (pics start here)

James Van Der Beek and Krysten Ritter filming their new show Don't Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 in New York (pics start here)

Kelly Ripa unveiling her new wax figure at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in New York (pics start here)

Taylor Swift shopping at Anthropologie in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Kim Kardashian leaving a gym in Studio City (pics start here)

Kristin Cavallari leaving Jack n' Jill's restaurant in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

*124 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Pink Sweater 1
  • Heidi Montag Pink Sweater 2
  • Heidi Montag Pink Sweater 3
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  • Heidi Montag Pink Sweater 1
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Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of Just Go With It at the Ziegfeld Theatre in New York (2/8)

Jennifer Aniston banned Heidi Montag from Tuesday's premiere of Just Go With It (Heidi has a small cameo in the film in which she's set on fire . . . hopefully). Heidi told Us Weekly (via The Superficial):
“I was so excited! This is the first movie I’ve ever been in and I can’t walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was ‘too polarizing.’ … I’ve been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it’s just really upsetting that she would do this to me. … She should know how hard it is to make a career for yourself and to have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening.”
I'm not sure what's more surprising: the fact that Jennifer Aniston actually did something cool; or that Heidi Montag is appearing in a movie where the leading actor's last name isn't a variation of the word "Steel," "Cock," or "Shaft."

*22 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jennifer Aniston Heidi Montag Ban 1
  • Jennifer Aniston Heidi Montag Ban 2
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Heidi Montag is trying to assassinate the character of a dead man

Some friends of the late plastic surgeon Dr. Frank Ryan -- who died in August after his car plunged off a cliff in Malibu -- are a little pissed with Heidi Montag for leaking some emails that suggest the doctor was trying to use her to become famous. Wait, don't you actually have to be famous for someone to use you to become famous? From the New York Post:
Radaronline.com published e-mails between Ryan and Montag after he performed 10 surgeries in one day on the reality star. In them, Ryan asked Montag if she wanted injectibles such as Botox and if she could wear T-shirts promoting his children's foundation.

Dawn DaLuise, a friend of Ryan's family, tells us, "It's desecrating him, it's denigrating a person who can't defend themselves. It's really abhorrent." DaLuise says Ryan would routinely ask his celebrity clients to visit the charity's ranch to publicize the foundation and offer them touch-up procedures in between surgeries. She said, "The difference between offering Botox and performing surgery is similar to a well-meaning dentist encouraging patients to floss and brush daily versus offering to do root canal on every tooth."
Nothing exudes class like kicking a person when they're down -- six feet below the surface. If Heidi isn't happy with the way that her plastic surgeries have come out, she doesn't need to badmouth the man she paid to perform them. She just needs to do what every insecure chick with fake blonde hair and silicone tits does when they're down and out in Hollywood: porn.

*11 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Dr Frank Ryan 1
  • Heidi Montag Dr Frank Ryan 2
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  • Heidi Montag Dr Frank Ryan 1
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Heidi Montag at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas (10/30)

I think Heidi Montag's frame could support bigger implants. And she does only live 100 or so miles from Mexico. You can get pretty much anything done down there with a suitcase full of American dollars. It's true. A few years ago I got one of the muscles taken out of my neck. I can turn my head around now like an owl. It's pretty cool.

*10 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:

  • Heidi Montag Boobs Profile Shot 1
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