Heidi Klum

Heidi Klum out and about in Los Angeles (1/14)

Things have taken a turn for the awesome in the Heidi Klum/Seal divorce. His shit should be getting thrown on the lawn any second now. From the Chicago Sun Times:

After saying they planned on an "amicable" divorce, Seal and Heidi Klum are taking their breakup in an ugly direction.There seem to be issues over money and child custody issues — plus it's rumored the public statement by Seal's ex-girlfriend, Tatiana Patitz, about his "uncontrollable temper" may have been urged by the Klum camp to help strengthen her negotiating position as the couple hammer out their divorce.

Patitz, like Klum a German model, told InTouch magazine Seal "is not a nice person. He has anger issues ... definitely not someone who I think of fondly anymore."

Wait, do you mean to tell the world that a marriage based on dick size was doomed for failure? It certainly wasn't based on being an equal partnership, that's for sure. Here's the tale of the tape:

• Heidi: Successful model, TV host, endorsement whore
• Seal: Huge hog, ugly as hell, living off 20-year-old "Kiss from a Rose"

Guess which one is gonna pay alimony? Trick question -- of course it'll be Seal. Heidi will make Seal pay for denying access to his giant black radiator hose. You DO NOT cross the Germans, that's someone you just don't do.

*15 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum and her kids leaving a karate studio in Brentwood (1/28)

Heidi Klum dropped her kids Lou and Leni off at karate practice over the weekend in Brentwood and, despite the announcement last week that she's divorcing her husband Seal, she was still wearing her wedding ring. Seal's been spotted with his ring on, too, in recent days. Of course this brings up a million questions: Are they having second thoughts about the divorce? Are they in counseling? Are they just wearing their rings out of habit? Do they still love each other? And, most importantly, how many boards can Leni break at once? HI YAH!

*30 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum and Seal in Sardinia last August

In 2004, Seal proposed to Heidi Klum in a specially-built igloo on a 14,000-ft.-high glacier in Whistler, B.C.:

"[Seal] took me by helicopter. He had an igloo built there, and they'd brought up everything: a bed with sheets inside the igloo, rose petals everywhere, candles. Very, very romantic!"

Topping the setting was the ring -- a 10-carat oval cut yellow diamond rumored to cost $1.5 million. In other words, if only Seal had been a *little* bit more romantic, then the two might not have announced their split over the weekend. In a statement, they said:

"While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy."

Early reports indicate that Heidi's divorcing Seal because his cock isn't as big as mine. Well if that's the case Heidi, then I doubt you're going to be happy with anyone.

*25 Heidi Klum and Seal pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum launching her new signature fragrance "Shine" in Toronto (11/29)

Heidi Klum launched her new fragrance earlier this week and OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER MAKEUP!?! She looks like she's in blackface. Racist bitch.

*27 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum at her 12th Annual Halloween Party at Tao nightclub in Las Vegas (10/29)

Heidi Klum once again wore a badass costume to her annual Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday. After being rolled in on an autopsy table by two bloodied doctors, a sheet was pulled off her to reveal her skinless, dead body costume. This would have been a pretty awesome party to attend if you were a necrophiliac.

BTW, check out Heidi's costume from 2008 (the Hindu goddess Kali) here, 2009 (a crow from the movie Howl's Moving Castle) here, and 2010 (an eight-foot-tall robotic superhero) here.

*44 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum at Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood last week

Remember the crazy dude in Ohio last week who freed all those lions, tigers, and bears from his private zoo -- apparently those are legal in Ohio -- and then killed himself? He once loaned a lion cub to Heidi Klum for a photoshoot. This is all her fault for empowering him! From CNN:

In a 2008 video in New York, [Terry] Thompson is seen smiling, holding a cub and handing it over to model Klum.

"I wrote a letter to Heidi Klum's people," said Larry Hostetler, the executive director of the Animal Shelter Society of Muskingum County. "I strongly voiced my opinion that if they're going to hire animals for entertainment, they might want to check handlers' backgrounds -- that Terry Thompson had been convicted of animal cruelty. Of course, I never heard anything back."

Hollywood is so full of mixed messages, I don't know what to believe anymore. Sometimes celebrities don't wear any clothes to protest the wearing of fur, and sometimes, like Heidi, they use animals as props. Which is it? Frankly, I don't care one way or the other. Any excuse to get chicks to take their clothes off that doesn't involve me doing something illegal is fine with me. In related news, chloroform is on sale this week at Home Depot. Score!

*30 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum in Porto Cervo, Italy (8/14)

Remember when Heidi Klum told Popeater in July that she enjoys topless tanning? She told the same thing to Jay Leno last week. Um, this counts as news, right?

"I'm surprised you have a photo of me wearing a (bikini) top because... I don't really like to wear tops because I hate tan lines. I maybe have like, four (bathing suit sets) with tops and bottoms and then I have like, 10 bottoms. My husband likes it when it's (my body's) all one color. And I do too... You know, people in Italy (really) don't care, they don't care if you don't have a top on."

This story would have been so hot if it had come out 20 years ago. Today, the only people who want to see an aging MILF's saggy tits are newborns and plastic surgeons. Besides, if Seal had really wanted to be with someone who always stayed the same color, he would have married someone more like himself. You know, British.

NOTE: To see the uncensored Heidi Klum pics, click any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*50 Heidi Klum pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum bikini pics! (Porto Cervo, Italy - 8/15)

Not many people know this, but Heidi Klum loves when random people walk up to her and grab her ass. It's true. You should try it if you ever see her in public. You're likely to be greeted with a hearty laugh and warm smile.

*59 Heidi Klum bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum bikini pics! (Porto Cervo - 8/15)

Even though she was topless pretty much all day on Sunday, Heidi Klum wore a bikini yesterday at the beach in Sardinia. Oh well excuuuuuuuuse me Ms. Prim and Proper. Who do you think you are, the Queen of England? You're really starting to piss me off.

*30 Heidi Klum bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Heidi Klum topless! (Porto Cervo, Italy - 8/14)

Heidi Klum is currently on vacation in Porto Cervo, Sardinia, and yesterday she walked around the beach topless pretty much all day. I can totally relate. Earlier this year I went on vacation to Hawaii and forgot my speedo. I'm so clumsy! In related news, on some beaches in Hawaii, if you walk around without bottoms in a sassy manner, you will be pepper-sprayed and hog-tied. Who knew?

NOTE: To see the uncensored Heidi Klum topless pics, click any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*68 Heidi Klum topless pictures total in the gallery: