Archive: Heather Mills

“More! More! More!”

I guess $50 million isn’t enough for Paul McCartney’s ex-wife-Heather Mills. And $70k/year isn’t enough to take care of their daughter Beatrice. The Daily Mail is reporting that Mills has hired a team of forensic accountants to pour through McCartney’s finances to prove the former Beatle is worth more than the $800 million he’s claiming (which would probably result in a higher settlement for Mills). Regarding the couple’s four-year-old daughter, a source told the paper:

“Heather says she can prove the amount of money that is being given to look after Bea will not last over the year. She is putting it to the test. Even with Bea traveling in economy Heather says it’s not enough. She is keeping every receipt - including her invoice to her security team - to show that $70,000 is just not sufficient. Heather’s thinking is that Bea should not be seen to have a different lifestyle when she is with Heather compared to Paul - and she is going about proving that is not possible. Heather is hoping Paul will discretely make a payment to her annually rather than want to go back to court and rake all this up again.” (Source)

And here I thought Heather was leaning towards a settlement. Paul needs to catch this bitch off balance, countersue her or something, anything to get the leg up. He’s gotta be just hopping mad. I can’t wait for the other shoe to drop. Leg. Wood.

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Heather Mills

Heather Mills in London launching an environmental campaign against meat (11/19)

Big Pictures

Here’s Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills, spending his money in Las Vegas earlier this week. She looks decent. Is that a new leg? I think it’s oak. I’d love to get her so wasted that she lets me carve my initials into it.

Big Pictures

Heather Mills was voted off Dancing with the Stars last night. As much as she’s been disparaged over the last few weeks, you gotta give her credit, her appearance really did advance the cause of amputees worldwide. Now I don’t feel like an asshole for making fun of those freaks! Thanks Heather!

At least she thinks she’s important. Mike Walker of the National Enquirer reports:

“Dancing with the Stars” hoofer HEATHER MILLS shocked ABC execs when she demanded security escorts to and from the show and promo appearances - and even threatened to boycott all media interviews for “Dancing” if they didn’t hop to her tune! Heather - just slammed by British bobbies for making endless, silly-buggers “Help!” calls to 999 (that’s 911 for Limeys) - got instant 411 from ABC brass: BUGGER OFF with that “bodyguard” baloney…or other contestants will happily do your media interviews, thank you very much! Left without a leg to stand on, publicity ho Heather quit kicking. (Source)

Damn you Mike Walker, why did you have to use up every imaginable leg pun? Now what the hell am I supposed to do? A Heather Mills story without a good leg pun is like prom night minus a wild threesome with those smoking-hot Swedish exchange students you always used to stare at in English class. I’m sure most of you guys can relate to me on that one. *wink, wink*

In case you missed it the newest cast of Dancing with the Stars was revealed last week. It was your usual assortment of washed-up actors, boy banders, former athletes, and … uh … a one-legged woman. Yep, Paul McCartney’s estranged wife Heather Mills will appear on the upcoming season (Mills lost her left leg following a 1993 car accident in London). However not everyone is looking forward to Mills’ appearance. The U.K.’s “Federation of Disabled People” is arguing that Mills should have her disabled parking badge taken away since she’s not acting how a disabled person should. The Federation’s spokesperson Kathy Gordon argued:

“Clearly she has mobility so she should refrain from using the badge. It’s not fair on other disable people.” (Source)

1.5 legs isn’t enough of a handicap? Really? Having to avoid the rain because the metal hinges on your leg might rust is a pretty damn big handicap to me. What kind of fucked up group of advocates criticizes a disabled person for actually making something of their life? That’s like yelling at your son for winning the state spelling bee but losing at nationals: “C’mon boy, this paddle‘ll teach you to forget about the silent ‘p’ in pterodactyl.”

The Heather Mills-Paul McCartney divorce is starting to get really really nasty. According to a friend of Mills, Heather is prepared to say some pretty crazy and unsubstantiated things about the former Beatle in an effort to gain full custody of their daughter Beatrice. The most damning claim is that Paul was such a bad parent that he drove two of his kids to contemplate suicide. However, Paul’s children are backing their father, saying how much they love and admire him. Mills is undeterred. According to a friend, she’s decided to take a more proactive role in the handling of the divorce case:

“She is also acting as her own lawyer - having fired her divorce attorneys because she felt she could do a better job herself” (Source)

When did Heather turn into a crazy schizophrenic serial killer? Because those are about the only people who fire their lawyers and represent themselves. Is there a number less than zero? Because that’s the chance Heather has of actually winning this. You could be a double arm amputee defending yourself against pickpocket charges and you’d still lose once the jury heard you were acting as your own lawyer.

Regarding the financial terms of an alleged settlement, Mills’ friend reveals:

“Paul gave Heather a gorgeous London home, but now she wants a home in L.A., too. At first, she told Paul she would walk away for just $100 million - which is very cheap. He is worth billions. But now that [the divorce] has gotten so nasty, she wants more.”

Walk away? Oooh, really unfortunate choice of wording. Now I don’t want to be a dick here but, with Heather, wouldn’t it be more of a hobble?

Mills isn’t the only one throwing mud:

Allegations on both sides of the case have gotten gnarly. McCartney’s friends claim Mills, who had to suffer through nude porno shots of her published by London papers last year, is an unstable liar and may have worked as an escort in her youth.

Daddy always told me escorts are just angels from heaven put on earth to touch as many lives as possible. And angels never lie. So therefore Paul must be lying. And there’s also a very good chance he hates kittens and minorities. Bulletproof logic? Why yes, yes it is.