Archive: Haikus

If you haven’t heard by now, Michael J. Fox, who suffers from Parkinson’s disease, is appearing in a television ad for a Senate candidate who supports stem-cell research. Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is accusing Fox of exaggerating his symptoms for the camera. While kicking a golden retriever Tuesday, Limbaugh said of Fox, “He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act.” See for yourself:

Wow, Rush Limbaugh is a great guy. Attacking a lovable actor with a debilitating disease is really compassionate, on par with September 11th jokes delivered on September 12th. Anyways, here’s a Limbaugh haiku:

Limbaugh’s new slogan:

He’s not just a huge fatty

But a dickhead, too!

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton’s tumultuous relationship may be on the upswing. The two were supposedly seen at Michelle Trachtenberg’s birthday party giggling together like young Japanese schoolgirls:

On Saturday night, the terrible twosome arrived arm-in-arm to Michelle Trachtenberg’s 21st birthday party at Tao and spent the night signing autographs for fans and whispering to each other. Then the ditzy duo retired to the $25,000-a- night Sky Villa at the Palms - for a pillow fight, no doubt.

I’m a little suspicious of this story without pictures–preferably with the both of them dressed up in hilariously ironic costumes such as a short giraffe or a skinny hippo. Suspicions aside, I’ve still decided to honor this momentous reunion via haiku:

Both stay together

Next day, room looks like whore house

Not invited back

Update (10/23) Found some pictures and it looks like I wasn’t too far off about that costume thing:

Scarlett Johansson is turning into one of the preachy Hollywood bitches everyone despises:

“I get tested for HIV twice a year,” she says. “One has to be socially aware. It’s part of being a decent human, to be tested for STDs. It’s just disgusting behavior when people don’t. It’s so irresponsible.”

Scarlett Johansson talking sex? I feel compelled to write a haiku:

Scarlett Johansson

Your mouth distracts from your boobs

Solution? Shut up

As you may have heard, Avril Lavigne was caught spitting on the paparazzi not once, but twice. She released an apology to her fans on her website today:

“I’d like to sincerely apologize for my behavior with the paparazzi,” she writes. “It’s trying at best dealing with their insistent intrusions. I meant no offense to my fans, whose relationship I truly value. I have and will always go out of my way for my fans. My behavior was a reaction to the persistent attack from the paparazzi.”

I love half-assed apologies. They’re just so delicious and satisfying—like punching wildlife. Anyways, here’s a haiku:

Avril frustrated?

Her solution is to spit

Not all whores swallow!

Unconfirmed reports have Pete Doherty and Kate Moss getting married “within weeks” and, as most of you loyal readers already know, unconfirmed reports are the most satisfying. Anyways, such a momentous “junkie-union” can only be recognized via the ancient Japanese form of haiku:

Pete and Kate marriage?

Wedding night to last for days

Oops! Back to rehab

Lindsay Lohan falls down some stairs at a party and breaks her wrist? How could I not memorialize this event with a haiku?

Lindsay falls down stairs.

Wrist is broken. Cannot use.

Mouth to get workout!

This is the kind of thing you can do when you’re worth billions:

Richard Branson threw a lavish Mad Hatter-themed 21st birthday party for his son Sam at his Oxfordshire estate on Saturday, and invited Paris Hilton to attend. The partying heiress agreed and wanted a starring role in the party dressed as Alice, according to reports. When Branson found out, he ordered the 60 waitresses who would be serving at the party to also dress as Alice, according to the London Daily Mail, which says he pushed the prank further by pretending to mistake Paris for a waitress and ordering a drink from her.

The bash was attended by the U.K.’s A-list, with such guests as Princes William and Harry, Kate Moss, and Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. “It was one hell of a party,” a source told the Mirror. “Paris found herself looking more like Tweedledum as she was surrounded by dozens of other Alices.”

Paris Hilton getting embarrased by the British version of Donald Trump? I think you loyal readers know where this is heading…..TIME FOR A PARIS HILTON HAIKU!

Branson to Paris:

“Yes you can come to party”

Whore owned by mogul

Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton’s weekend trip to Hawaii was freaking awesome, to say the least! It featured tons of ass-grabbing and making out in public in front of young children. Of course I had to recognize this unadulterated awesomeness with a haiku:

Lohan and Morton

I’m a Perfect Gentleman

So Says Ass Grabber

Farrah Fawcett joined Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith (the 3 original Charlie’s Angels) at last night’s Emmys to pay their respects to the late Aaron Spelling.

Farrah Fawcett back on network television? This calls for a Haiku!:

The Emmy Awards?

Farrah Fawcett Gives Tribute

Vicodin all gone!

Kevin Federline’s lack of understanding about cursing on national television has inspired me to pen a haiku! I present K-Fed Haiku:

The Teen Choice Awards?

K-Fed cusses like sailor!

Censors Say “Fuck You”