Gwyneth Paltrow

SHUT UP

*pinches self hoping I'll wake up* . . . *again* . . . *and again* . . . aw god dammit this isn't working. From the New York Post:

Gwyneth Paltrow, who's been shopping for a music deal, is in advanced talks with Atlantic Records, Page Six has learned. The Oscar-winning actress is poised to sign a contract with the Warner Music-owned label to produce a country album following her starring role in "Country Strong."

A source told us, "Gwyneth's agents have been talking to a number of labels about landing her a substantial record deal. Those who have heard the music say it's country pop. Many labels would be reluctant to give a deal to a star whose first priority is film, but in recent weeks there have been discussions with Atlantic. Gwyneth is a very different name for Atlantic, and one who brings a lot of recognition." Its roster includes Sean Paul, B.o.B, T.I., James Blunt, Janelle Monae, Zero 7, Phil Collins and Kid Rock.

Paltrow recently said she was discussing possible contracts with several labels, and said on the Oscars red carpet, "We're talking about it now. So we'll see."

This is just what Gwyneth's ego needs - a record contract. If you think this bitch was an insufferable loudmouth before, you haven't seen anything yet. Next week she'll probably give advice in her stupid newsletter about how if you want to sign a lucrative record deal, all you have to do is be married to a famous musician exploit the fame that was handed to you by your parents work really hard.

*5 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

Anne Hathaway's albino twin sister Mary

Anne Hathaway -- who, according to unconfirmed reports, may actually be a ghost -- made some serious cash on Oscar night. Same with Gwyneth Paltrow. Speaking of Gwyneth, it's too bad that song she sang during the ceremony wasn't longer. *sigh* From Starpulse:

Anne Hathaway and Gwyneth Paltrow cashed in at the Oscars - they were both paid big bucks to wear designer jewelry. Co-host Hathaway was reportedly paid $750,000 to wear Tiffany & Co. gems onstage. Paltrow took home $500,000 to wear earrings, a brooch and ring from Louis Vuitton's L'Ame du Voyage collection as she sang "Country Strong's" nominated Best Song "Coming Home."

Isn't this every woman's dream come true? Instead of having to buy jewelry for yourself (or sleep with some pig who will) you actually get paid ridiculous amounts of money to wear expensive bling. I guess the equivalent for a guy would be if you were paid tons of money to sit around all day drunk getting blowjobs -- so a lot like the last twenty odd years of Charlie Sheen's life.

*20 Anne Hathaway pictures total in the gallery:

Gwyneth Paltrow receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (12/13)

This "Gwyneth Paltrow is a singer now" bullshit is like a bad dream. Everyday I wake up with the hope that it will all go away. From People:

Gwyneth Paltrow and Cee Lo Green are planning to make beautiful music together - at the Grammys. The actress and the singer, who performed together on Saturday Night Live last month, will also be calling on some famous friends for help: the Jim Henson Company Puppets, PEOPLE has learned.

It's not yet known what song they'll perform, but what's clear is the bond that Paltrow and Cee Lo formed when recording a new version of his Grammy-nominated hit "F--- You." Cee Lo says Paltrow expressed "really feeling and appreciating what I had done artistically. That was awesome to come from her and feel her energy."

Seeing Gwyneth perform with a bunch of Muppets makes sense -- they both have sticks jammed up their asses and neither one them can control what comes out of their mouths. I kid, I kid. The Muppets do have the occasional rational thought.

*22 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

Gwyneth Paltrow upskirt! 

Gwyneth Paltrow was quite the lady last week in London, getting drunk at the May Fair Hotel and then flashing her crotch as she was leaving. Now, if she can just figure out a way to swallow an entire kielbasa and annoy someone who's both blind and deaf, she'd be a shoe-in to win the "Best Paris Hilton Impersonation" award at the Oscars this year. Wait, that's a category, right?

NOTE: To see the uncensored Gwyneth Paltrow upskirt pictures, click the picture above or any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*26 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

Gwyneth Paltrow at a special screening of Country Strong at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills (12/14)

Gwyneth Paltrow is really running with this idea that she's a singer. Of course who could forget her performance at the CMA Awards in November -- I mean, besides everyone. She also guest-starred on Glee last year, sounding slightly above average singing Cee Lo's "Forgot You" -- but that was only because of Auto-Tune. And now she's working with Bruno Mars' producer to do a remix of that same song. Oh. Joy. From the New York Post:

Gwyneth Paltrow is in a New York studio doing a remix with Cee Lo Green of "Forget You," his song that she performed on "Glee." Sources said the pair are working with Bruno Mars' producer, Ari Levine. We're told they went back to work on the track "since everybody thought she rocked it on 'Glee.' "

Note to Gwyneth Paltrow: the sycophants you surround yourself with do not count as "everyone."

Green recently hinted that he and Paltrow would collaborate on something "extra-cool" in the future.

Sorry Gwyneth, just because you have a big mouth doesn't mean you should be a singer. It just means you should be in another profession: porn politics. If you're wondering why someone as self-absorbed as Gwyneth would want to become a recording artist, the answer is pretty simple: it's the one way she can constantly listen to the sound of her own voice.

*15 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

Gwyneth Paltrow arriving to a National Movie Awards afterparty at the Claridges Hotel in London (5/26)

I'm not going to lie: This story doesn't surprise me in the least bit. It's not just Gwyneth Paltrow who's annoying -- it's her whole damn family. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Chicago-based music marketing director John Gabrysiak met the Oscar winner’s actress-mom, Blythe Danner, at chef Emeril Lagasse’s annual New Orleans fund-raiser. When Gabrysiak mentioned he was in the music biz, Danner proudly said, “My son-in-law Chris works in the music business too!” Yes, I do believe we’ve heard of Chris Martin and his band, Coldplay!

It's strange that Gwyneth's mom didn't mention the fact that her own daughter was in the music industry -- especially after she just released an album and sang a duet with Huey Lewis at the Country Music Awards. I guess she thinks of Gwyneth's foray into the music world in the same way that the rest of us do: forgettable.

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

This just in: Gwyneth Paltrow is still annoying

It's good to know that after all her hard work and years of sweat and toil, Gwyneth Paltrow was finally able to break through into the country music scene. From FOX:

Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow is gearing up to perform at this year’s CMA Awards. She'll sing the title track of her new movie, "Country Strong," and will be joined by Vince Gill. Paltrow says she researched a lot of country music history for this role.

"I sort of started at the beginning with Hank (Williams) Sr. and Johnny Cash and really studied Dolly (Parton) and Loretta Lynn, and kind of just started at the beginning and went all the way through and found the people that I really love and who inspired me," she told The Associated Press in a recent interview.

What does Gwyneth know about the country music scene? She's never been divorced, she doesn't have an old dog, and the only thing she knows about ranches is that's where her organic free-range chickens are raised. Newsflash Gwyneth: Just because you studied country music for a few weeks doesn't mean you "get it." It means you're a poser pretending to be something you're not -- like splenda, margarine, or Tom Cruise.

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

Gwyneth Paltrow leaving the Diane Von Furstenberg launch party at Claridges in London (6/23)

I've always said the one thing the Hamptons is missing is a wacky, string-based religion. Thankfully, Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help. From the New York Post:

Gwyneth Paltrow wants to turn the Hamptons on to kabbalah. The star (at left in the Hamptons with son Moses) and Debbie Wilpon, wife of Mets co-owner Richard Wilpon, threw a party at the Wilpons' East Hampton mansion Thursday night for Madonna's spiritual guru, Eitan Yardeni, and his wife, Sarah. A source told us, "The party was all about bringing kabbalah to the Hamptons. They plan to start some classes. Gwyneth told guests how Eitan and Sarah have helped her through difficult personal times."

I'm not sure which religion is starting to get more annoying -- Scientology or Kabbalah. Both seem to be trendy fads that pray on the weak-minded . . . which might explain why they're so popular in Hollywood. Gwyneth better be careful though -- if she continues to push her religious beliefs on everyone, she'll become box office poison faster than you can say Knight and Day.

*5 pictures total in the gallery:

Madonna arriving to Heathrow airport from New York (6/10)

So I guess former friends Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are fighting or something . . . which I couldn't feel more indifferent about . . . unless their little catfight turns into a FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!! Then my interest would definitely be piqued. From Us Weekly:

A source close to Madonna, 51, and Gwyneth Paltrow, 37, tells Us Weekly the dear pals, BFFs since 1999, are dunzo.

"They don't speak," says the insider. "I can't tell you exactly why they had the falling out, but Gwyneth can be jealous and competitive."

Although Madonna's rep denies the "breakup," the source says things went downhill slowly for the duo after Madonna split from Guy Ritchie in 2008, leaving "Gwyneth and Madonna with less in common."

In fact, Paltrow (who once called the singer "like an older sister") hinted at a new feud in May's British Vogue: "I'm having a situation right now with a friend where I'm feeling pretty angry."

It was only a matter of time before these two had a falling out -- their egos are bigger than the plate Kirstie Alley uses on Thanksgiving. These chicks' heads are so inflated, they make Tito Ortiz's head only look "regular" big instead of "OH MY GOD SOMEONE KILL THAT FREAK" big. No, if Gwyneth and Madonna are ever going to co-exist, it's going to have to be in the one place where they're both happy: in front of a mirror . . . preferably in a gym.

*18 pics total in the gallery:

Kate Bosworth in Beverly Hills (10/19)

Coldplay's Chris Martin may be cheating on his wife with Kate Bosworth, which isn't really that surprising since his wife is a succubus. From Star:

The Internet is already abuzz with Star's exclusive story about Coldplay frontman Chris Martin's hot make-out session with a beautiful blonde who wasn't Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, the Brit singer was locking lips with his better half's good friend, Kate Bosworth!

"I couldn't believe my eyes," an eyewitness tells Star in our Nov. 16 issue. "There was Chris totally making out with Kate in front of other people. At first I thought it might be Gwyneth, but when she came up for air, it was clear the woman was Kate!"

This isn't fair. Kate is 26, gorgeous, and seems like a really cool chick to sit down at the local pub and have a pint of Guinness with. Gwyneth is 37, whiny, and doesn't drink beer unless it's from her favorite brewery in the charming little city of Kuala Terengganu, Malaysia, that she spent a few nights in during the summer of 2008 and oh my gosh you simply must visit especially during the amazing Thaipusam Festival that takes place at the end of January seriously why haven't you gone yet. I imagine making out with Gwyneth would be a lot like making out with fire.