Recently in Gwyneth Paltrow Category

Kate Bosworth in Beverly Hills (10/19)

Coldplay's Chris Martin may be cheating on his wife with Kate Bosworth, which isn't really that surprising since his wife is a succubus. From Star:

The Internet is already abuzz with Star's exclusive story about Coldplay frontman Chris Martin's hot make-out session with a beautiful blonde who wasn't Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, the Brit singer was locking lips with his better half's good friend, Kate Bosworth!

"I couldn't believe my eyes," an eyewitness tells Star in our Nov. 16 issue. "There was Chris totally making out with Kate in front of other people. At first I thought it might be Gwyneth, but when she came up for air, it was clear the woman was Kate!"

This isn't fair. Kate is 26, gorgeous, and seems like a really cool chick to sit down at the local pub and have a pint of Guinness with. Gwyneth is 37, whiny, and doesn't drink beer unless it's from her favorite brewery in the charming little city of Kuala Terengganu, Malaysia, that she spent a few nights in during the summer of 2008 and oh my gosh you simply must visit especially during the amazing Thaipusam Festival that takes place at the end of January seriously why haven't you gone yet. I imagine making out with Gwyneth would be a lot like making out with fire.

Gwyneth Paltrow at the "Children of the City Champions Hope Benefit" in New York (7/29)

Do stories about Gwyneth Paltrow not being a patronizing bitch even exist? I say no. From music writer Chuck Taylor's blog (story since removed no doubt after a threat from Paltrow's lawyer henchmen:)

Amid one friggin' downpour after another, beginning around 2 p.m. and still dribbling past 10 p.m., Ayhan and I were invited to Tribeca Grand this evening for a charity event [ed. note: the "Children of the City Champions Hope Benefit"], where Gwyneth Paltrow was the honored guest. It was supposed to be on the rooftop, but given that the city was sopping, it moved inside.

The press gathered on a balcony above the setting for the $375-a-plate dinner as Paltrow entered amid the typical madness and mania that accompanies any celeb standing in front of camera crews. If you've never seen it, you'd almost pity the star (until, of course, you remember that this is a responsibility of their choice to be in the public eye), as photogs shout out, "Gwyneth, look here." "Look to the right." "Smile." "Turn your head." "You look great." "Hey, Gwyneth, turn around." "Look over your shoulder." "Can you smile again?" It's truly bombast like nothing else in the entertainment business, and you wonder how these folks manage to look relaxed and smile ever so sweetly.

Then again, you consider that an actress like Paltrow makes $10 million per picture... and empathy evaporates. Deal with it. For that reason, it was astonishing to hear the disgruntled comments from the press on the elevator, as we were hurried back to the lobby, that Miss Gwyneth was overheard telling her publicist, "I'm done. Get the roaches out of here," referring to those very photographers that deliver her pictures to the wire services, newspapers and weekly celebrity magazines, helping her maintain any semblance of relevance.

Gwyneth's right. The photographers that plaster her picture all over magazines and the internets are "roaches." I recommend she take a stand against them and make a pledge -- that from this day forward no one will ever see her face again. And who knows. If we're lucky, other celebrities might see this story and follow her lead  . . . anyone know Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Penn's email addresses?

Oh shut the fuck up

Wow, it's been nearly ten minutes since Gwyneth Paltrow shit on the United States -- the same United States that turned her into a cajillionaire. I wonder what took her so long? From Us Weekly:

Gwyneth Paltrow says Spain has "became a second home."

"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she tells the Associated Press.

"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more," she continued. "They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on."

WARNING -- The following is not hyperbole: I would literally crawl to Gwyneth's house, pack up her suitcases, purchase her one way ticket, and carry her to the airport on my back like some kind of pack mule if that is what it took to get her arrogant/self-absorbed/pretentious ass out of this country. To be fair though, Gwyneth is right about one thing -- the pace of life in other countries is often a bit slower than it is in the U.S. . . . which is why the U.S. is the world's only remaining superpower! USA! USA! USA!

Gwyneth Paltrow at a screening of Two Lovers in New York (2/11)

It's weird that Gwyneth Paltrow comes off as a pretentious fucking snob to almost everyone that meets her. I think it has something to do with the fact that she's a pretentious fucking snob. From her latest GOOP "lifestyle" newsletter:

"The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her. I adore the contrast of the dark chocolate and the cherries - heaven."

The 'William' she's referring to is of course Billy Joel. Besides his grandma, who the fuck calls Billy Joel 'William'? Why can't this bitch just talk like a normal human being? I hate to break this to you Gwyneth, but you're not important. Your shit stinks just as bad as mine. And I bet your boogers are just as chewy as mine, too.

UPDATE: Now that I think about it, that last sentence was really embarrassing.

Gwyneth Paltrow needs to shut the fuck up

One of the top Hindu scholars in the U.S. is blasting Gwyneth Paltrow for all the asinine shit she writes on her "health and lifestyle" website Goop. Rajan Zed is a little pissed that the actress uses religious terminology in her "mundane" weekly musings -- musings that she promotes as deep and philosophical. He said:

"There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self. The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like 'Boots by Gucci', 'Banana Pancakes', 'The Hungry Cat' and 'Tweezerman' - in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men. Instead, she needs to talk about topics like realizing self, immortality, deeper reality, eternity, soul, inner realms of the mind and spirit, pure consciousness. That's if she's truly serious about inner aspect."

With such self-absorbed musings as "embrace your inner aspect," we should all fondly look back on what's widely regarded as the high point in Gwyneth's acting career: when she won her Academy Award for Shakespeare in Love when Brad Pitt found her head in a box in Seven. All of which leads to the real reason why the Hindus are upset with Gwyneth: she's a pompous *cow*.

Gwyneth Paltrow picking up her kids from school in Santa Monica (4/22)

+ It's Lisa RInna's ass [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Diora Baird Hotness in FHM [Egotastic!]
+ Maddox Jolie-Pitt is GANGSTA [Just Jared]
+ Shauna Sand wears another see-through dress [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Brad Pitt slums it with the common folk at Niagara Falls [Dlisted]

+ Megan Fox in a sexy costume for Jonah Hex [Bam! Kapow!]
+ Run Suri, RUN! [F-Listed]
+ Kim Kardashian rocking the blonde wig [Derek Hail]
+ Vanessa Cervantes will make your Monday [Attuworld]

Mario Batali at a benefit for the New York Food Bank in 2007

Since she can't bear to hang out with a fatty any longer, Gwyneth Paltrow is subtly letting her celebrity-chef-friend Mario Batali know that he needs to lose weight. Like yesterday. With friends like that . . . From the New York Post:

[Batali's] pal Gwyneth Paltrow gave him a free membership to the pricey gym that she and her fitness friend Tracy Anderson are opening in TriBeCa this summer, saving him the $4,500 membership fee and monthly bills. An insider said, "Mario is the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change."

What exactly is going on at this gym that it costs $4,500 to join? Because if it's anything other than 24/7 blowjobs from hot chicks with big tits, Gwyneth Paltrow is a fucking idiot.

Gwyneth Paltrow is loopy

What troubles me most about this story is not that Gwyneth Paltrow really thinks she's some kind of supergenius -- she's famous; it comes with the territory -- but that some dumb people are probably listening to her. From the Daily Mail:

Gwyneth Paltrow has been branded ‘loopy’ by scientists after warning that products such as shampoo could be linked to cancer. The actress says she was ‘seized with fear’ after reading research about what she calls ‘environmental toxins’ - chemicals which are present in everyday items. Miss Paltrow said children were unable to easily break down toxins and claimed the number of children getting cancer and autism was growing ‘exponentially’.

Leading bacteriologist Professor Hugh Pennington described her claims as ‘rubbish’ and ‘loopy’. And Cancer Research UK said the number of children with cancer had not changed in the past ten years and there was no known environmental cause for the disease.

She made the claims on her website goop.com, where she usually airs her views on her favourite restaurants and organic food recipes.

She said: "A couple of years ago I was asked to give a quote for a book concerning environmental toxins and their effects on our children. While reading up on the subject, I was seized with fear about what the research said. Fetuses, infants and toddlers are basically unable to metabolize toxins the way that adults are, and we are constantly filling our environments with chemicals that may or may not be safe. The research is troubling; the incidence of diseases in children such as asthma, cancer and autism have shot up exponentially and many children we all know and love have been diagnosed with developmental issues like ADHD [Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder]."

Gwyneth doesn't believe in using certain hygiene products? Weird, she doesn't look French. As it turns out, Gwyneth may actually be right. Overexposing yourself to particular items can sometimes cause people to come down with serious mental disorders. And in Gwyneth's case, it's pretty apparent what she's developed: Vanity. The culprit: Her mirror.

Gwyneth Paltrow is see-through

That's Gwyneth Paltrow at the Brentwood Country Mart yesterday with her two kids Apple and Moses, and her see-through shirt. Classy stuff. Normally you wouldn't wear a see-through shirt out in public with your kids, but then again, normally you wouldn't name your kids Apple and Moses. Gwyneth is sorta unpredictable like that. There's no telling what she'll do next. She may talk with an American accent, treat a lowly waiter like a human being by giving him eye contact, or even visit a flyover state without wearing sanitary gloves. Who knows.

Gwyneth Paltrow at the grand opening of the Fontainebleau hotel in Miami Beach (11/14)

I guess the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow attended the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last weekend instead of spending time with her husband Chris Martin means her marriage is in trouble. Works for me. From the New York Post:

Is Gwyneth Paltrow heading down the same marital path as her pal Madonna? Paltrow raised eyebrows last weekend when she went to the Victoria's Secret fashion show at the reopened Fontainebleau hotel in Miami Beach instead of flying to see her rocker husband, Chris Martin, on tour with Coldplay.

One insider said, "Gwyneth flew down privately at the behest of [Fontainebleau Resorts owner] Jeff Soffer." Paltrow and Soffer - a billionaire bachelor who's regarded as Miami royalty - have become very good friends recently, insiders added.

Reports that Martin and Paltrow have been on the rocks for months have circulated in the press as they've refused to be photographed together. One wag snipes, "She spent the summer filming a TV show in Spain with Mario Batali and now, instead of hanging out with her husband, she goes to a Victoria's Secret show? Really? Gwyneth doesn't have anything to do with Victoria's Secret. If things were so great with Chris, why wouldn't she be with him?" (Source)

Is anyone surprised by this story? Gwenyth can't possibly be expected to stay with someone who isn't up to her standards. As was deftly pointed out in an American cinematic masterpiece,* it is common knowledge that Gwyneth Paltrow "suffers from high self-esteem." The bottom line is this: if Gwenyth is ever going to find a partner that she actually thinks is good enough for her, she's only got one option -- date a mirror.

*Sex and the City. DON'T ask me how I know this.