Gwyneth Paltrow

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Gwyneth Paltrow is officially single

FYI: Gwyneth Paltrow is officially single. The actress and her estranged husband Chris Martin reached a divorce settlement today that's about a billion times less messy than the shit going down with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Via People:
According to a court document filed by Paltrow, the couple have entered into a written agreement regarding their property and child support, and agreed that neither will ever ask for spousal support. The last step in the dissolution of their 10-year marriage will be a final judgement from the court.
Since it's finally official, Gwyneth posted a picture on Instagram earlier today of a celebratory chocolate "divorce cake" she baked with cacao beans harvested from the nest of the rare plate-billed mountain toucan in Ecuador -- a steal at $10,000/ounce. "Omigosh, everybody should try this!" Right? She did that, right? I want to believe.


Gwyneth Paltrow arriving at LAX airport (1/27)

Gwyneth Paltrow tells the new issue of Glamour that people have it all wrong about her. She didn't achieve success because of her rich and famous parents -- they gave her nothing. Everything she's accomplished in life is because of her own hard work. She's no different than you or me:
GLAMOUR: I've read that your parents essentially said to you, "We're gonna provide you with this beautiful childhood, great education, and then you're on your own." Will you do that with your kids?
GWYNETH: Yes. Exactly. It's the most motivating. People think, "She's just a rich kid." Until I was 18, I was. Then I was broke. I've never taken a dime off my parents. I'm completely self-made . . . I went to UC Santa Barbara, and when I quit to try to be an actress, my dad was like, "That's great, but I'm not gonna help you." I was like, "Yeah, right." And he was like, "No, I'm not." So I got an apartment with a roommate; I worked as a hostess at a restaurant; I would scrounge quarters to buy Starbucks--and walk there to save gas. I remember once asking my dad for money, like, "Please, I'm really stuck. Can you help?" And he said, "You're more than welcome to come over for dinner." That was it.
I'm completely with Gwyneth on this one. Steven Spielberg is also my godfather and I haven't achieved nearly the success that she has.

Oh that's right, he's not. My bad.

*16 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Privileged 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow at Rob Lowe's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony (12/8)

Gwyneth Paltrow is so annoying that she doesn't even get mad when someone steals hundreds of thousands of dollars from her. God dammit, just be normal and cuss some. From the New York Post:
Though it seems the robbery was real, Paltrow's mom, Blythe Danner, told us Thursday that Gwynnie's not too distraught about losing nearly $200,000 in merchandise because it's all good p.r.

"I called her immediately," [Gwyneth's mom Blythe] Danner told us of the theft from Paltrow's Goop Mrkt shop at the Time Warner Center. "And she said, 'Oh, Mom, it's OK. It's good publicity.' She always has a good spin on things, and I admire her tenacity and her upbeat message,"
But how valuable is publicity for Goop? At this point, I think everyone has heard of Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop -- even the Pope. "Ugh, I hate that beech." No, seriously, he hates that bitch.

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Publicity 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow out and about in Beverly Hills (11/5)

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop pop-up shop was robbed in New York over the weekend. Police have issued an APB for a group of individuals who targeted the store because of their intense hatred of Gwyneth. So that narrows it down to EVERYBODY ON EARTH. From USA Today:
Less than two weeks after Paltrow opened the shop, located in Columbus Circle in midtown, more than $173,00 worth of merchandise has been stolen from the store.

According to the NYPD, on Saturday three men entered the store and forcibly opened a cabinet full of merchandise. Though they were spotted by the staff, who called 911, the men managed to exit the store before police arrived.

The men stole approximately $173,465 worth of merchandise, police said. No arrests have been made and an investigation is ongoing. The perpetrators face grand larceny charges.
I know a $173k robbery sounds terrible, but the thieves actually only stole two plain white t-shirts and a pair of socks. This is Goop, after all. "My fave socks," Gwyneth said in this year's holiday gift guide. "And a steal at only $61,289!"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Robbery 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow at The 25th Annual Environmental Media Awards in L.A. (10/24)

Oh, did you hear the news? Gwyneth Paltrow is a Victoria's Secret model now. Because that's who wears dresses like that. Victoria's Secret models.

*30 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Revealing Dress 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow at the BlogHer 2015 conference in New York (7/17)

During a speech at Variety's Power of Women luncheon on Friday, Gwyneth Paltrow, dripping with condescension, revealed that she was told to stop using "S.A.T. Words" because the knuckle-dragging masses simply don't understand that kind of shit. Ugh, I've had just about enough of her loquaciousness.
"When I was a young women in Hollywood, if you were a woman focused on building your career, you were labeled ambitious, and that was a bad word," Paltrow said during a speech at Variety's Power of Women luncheon on Friday, where she was an honoree. "So, I was decidedly not, and developed an 'Oh, how could this happen to me?' approach."

"I was told to temper my use of S.A.T. words in interviews because it made me 'unlikable,'" she recalled.
Gwyneth, do I need to remind you again? Your dad was a powerful producer. Your mom is a pretty famous actress. Your goddamn godfather is Steven fucking Spielberg. You didn't get to where you are in life because of your intelligence. If somebody told you to stop using S.A.T. words, it's because they knew exactly how to stroke your ego for maximum ass-kissing impact. A truly perspicacious person would realize that and not try to use that story to strengthen their false facade of intellect. Guess what you didn't realize?

condescension (noun): an attitude of patronizing superiority; disdain.
loquaciousness (adjective): given to fluent or excessive talk
perspicacious (adjective): having a ready insight into and understanding of things

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow SAT Words 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow at The Hamptons Paddle and Party in Bridgehampton (8/2)

Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't had to worry about money a day in her life. Literally not one day. She wants to move to Beverly Hills? Ok. Never mind, what about Aspen? Sure. And maybe another home in the South of France? Of course. Despite having such freedom, she tells the new issue of Variety that the pay gap between male and female actresses is "painful." Via the New York Post:
"Your salary is a way to quantify what you're worth. If men are being paid a lot more for doing the same thing, it feels shitty."

She also brought up the difference in wages between her and "Iron Man" co-star Robert Downey Jr.

"Look, nobody is worth the money that Robert Downey Jr. is worth," she says. "But if I told you the disparity, you would probably be surprised."
Gwyneth, contrast these two sentences:

"I saw Iron Man because of Robert Downey Jr."

"I saw Iron Man despite Gwyenth Paltrow."

Who should be paid more? If you want the same amount of money as Robert Downey Jr., you should have threatened to pull out of the fil--annnnnnnnd you're replaced. See how easy that was? Robert Downey Jr. makes a shitload more than you because he puts asses in the seats, while you're just a tiny interchangeable part. STFU.

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Pay Gap 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow arriving on a flight at LAX airport (5/22) 

You know how Gwyneth Paltrow always says annoying shit and makes up annoying terms like "conscious uncoupling"? Turns out she doesn't actually do any of that and it's everyone else's fault. Oh, what a relief. I guess we all owe her a big apology now or something. From the New York Post:
Paltrow told Fast Company's September issue the headline on the Goop.com story on her split from Coldplay frontman Martin was [Goop editorial director Elise] Loehnen's brainchild. "When I announced that I was separating on the Web site [Loehnen] titled the piece 'Conscious Uncoupling,' and I had no idea," she said.

Paltrow added Loehnen also penned the piece about a $50 vaginal steam treatment at an LA spa (The story included: "It is an energetic release -- not just a steam douche -- that balances female hormone levels.").
Paltrow went on to add that she doesn't know how this reputation of hers started when, deep down, she's just another one of the guys: "I make my own beer with sustainably harvested hops from my private micro farm outside Seattle just like the next guy."

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 1
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Mila Kunis leaving Go Greek Yogurt in Beverly Hills (2/19)

You can't blame a newly-single Gwyneth Paltrow for trying to get laid. But maybe she should hit on the guys who she knows aren't married. From the National Enquirer:
"Uncoupled" cutie Gwyneth Paltrow's bid to hit on Ashton Kutcher at a Malibu bash has wife Mila Kunis fuming! "Mila is furious!" said one partygoer. While the "Ted" beauty kept cool at the party, friends said she's looking for payback. "Mila won't let Gwyneth get away with humiliating her like that," the source added. (Print Edition - 4/27)
Let me see here. Gwyneth Paltrow is from Santa Barbara. Mila Kunis is from Ukraine. Gwyneth has cut one thing in her life: vine-ripened tomatoes from her organic garden in the backyard. Mila has been cutting things for years, but mainly bitches who cross her. I don't like the odds here. If I was Gwyneth, I would run far far away. May I suggest Syria?

*20 Mila Kunis pictures total in the gallery:

  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow bought the Hustler Hollywood store

Gwyneth Paltrow bought the Hustler Hollywood store and is planning on turning it into an exclusive member's only club. But not before she sells a few butt plugs I'm sure. Huge margins on those things. From TMZ:
Our real estate sources say Gwynnie and business partner Gary Landesberg scored the property from porn lord Larry Flynt.

Their plan is to build the Arts Clubs similar to the one in London and Aspen. The Club is Soho-esque, with a fancy restaurant (Zuma, one of the best in London), a nightclub/lounge, and artsy stuff like poetry readings and various events. The club prohibits swearing. You can't bet inside, but you can play backgammon, but only if there are no stakes. Of course, there's a strict dress code.

The club is pricey ... $2K to join the London franchise and $2k a year. The Sunset Strip club promises to be way more expensive.
Poetry readings? Backgammon? Uppity rules? This is god damn perfect for Gwyneth. Rumor is, because of the drought in California, the ice maker for the bar will run strictly on harvested rainwater. No more than one cube in your Gin Rickey unless there's an approaching storm. Okay, maybe not, but it sounds exactly like something Gwyneth would do.

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 1
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