Gwyneth Paltrow filming a Hugo Boss ad in Downtown L.A. (10/3)
If you hit an insane amount of traffic in Downtown L.A. yesterday, that was because Gwyneth fucking Paltrow was filming a new Hugo Boss ad. God dammit, Gwyneth. Quit pissing society off.
*30 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:
Gwyneth Paltrow at East Hampton Library's Authors Night 2013 (8/12)
Gwyneth Paltrow tells the fashion website Refinery29 that she would probably forgive husband Chris Martin if he cheated on her. Oh yeah, I'm sure she would. Unless the mistress was poor or *gasp* Republican. Via the Daily Mail:
"I think that if the idea of being committed to someone is important to you, you begin to value certain parts of your social life over another. No couple is the same, and as such, every couple takes on different challenges. I would like to think that I would be forgiving and/or forgiven, but I can't give an honest answer as I haven't really experienced that. I think it would be hard for me to be one of those wives who finds out there's been something going on behind my back 20 years in. I'd imagine you'd begin to question your life. It would definitely make things harder, but I believe that if there's authenticity and honesty right off the bat, things will be okay."So there it is, for all the mouth-breathers to see. The reason why Gwyneth campaigned to win the title of the World's Most Beautiful Woman wasn't to enrich our pathetic, ham-and-egger lives -- it was to show Chris Martin that someone might consider banging her on the side, too. There are so many women (but mainly men) who are into Chris' shitty U2 ripoff band that he can hump and dump fans the same way Katherine Heigl humps and dumps chances in Hollywood. I see it so clearly now -- Gwyneth is more insecure than the Mexican border.
*15 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:
Gwyneth Paltrow is a gym diva
Turns out that Gwyneth Paltrow is so fucking full of herself that she refuses to even be in the same room with water that may have touched another human being's body. Yeah, I can believe it. An insider tells Life & Style about Gwyneth's diva behavior at the gym:
"Before she showers, Gwyneth makes someone go into the stall and wipe the entire shower dry! She refuses to touch what she calls 'somebody else's shower water.'"Remember a few days ago when Gwyneth nearly ruined a brand new school bus by trying to drive her Vespa under it with one of her stupid kids in tow? She's been taking a beating in the media so why not take some attention off that situation by "leaking" stories of her boorish gym etiquette -- which of course everyone believes because it's Gwyneth fucking Paltrow we're talking about. GP is fine with being an ass, but being a dangerous parent hurts her business cred. Blogging shitty parenting advice is a hell of a lot less tolerable when the author of said advice has to have her child's remains scooped up off the pavement with a Swiffer Wet Jet -- although I wouldn't mind seeing Lee and Morty's reaction finding little Apple's bloody homework and broken teeth in the slop bucket.
And though her gym offers a variety of high-end bottled water, they don't carry her favorite brand, SmartWater. "When she's there, they have to send someone to the gas station to buy a couple bottles of SmartWater," the insider explains. "She made such a fuss about it not being stocked, but she doesn't come in often enough."
But it doesn't end there. "She also refuses to use toilet paper that anyone has touched and demands an unopened package." continues the insider. "It's nuts."
*20 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:
Paparazzi photos from Tuesday, September 17
Gwyneth Paltrow leaving the premiere of Thanks for Sharing in L.A. (pics start here)
Model Micaela Shaefer doing an Oktoberfest-themed photoshoot at Berlin Dungeon in Germany (pics start here)
Kelly Brook leaving the "Another Magazine Party" at Loulou's in London (pics start here)
Kirsten Dunst leaving a gym in Studio City (pics start here)
Hilary Duff leaving a studio in Studio City (pics start here)
Natalie Zea on the set of The Following in New York (pics start here)
Jesse Metcalfe and his fiance Cara Santana leaving Cafe Gratitude in Hancock Park, Los Angeles (pics start here)
Kate Moss arriving at a friend's house in London (pics start here)
Sofia Coppola shopping in Rome (pics start here)
Mylene Klass taking her kids to school in London (pics start here)
Kate Winslet leaving Claridge's Hotel in Mayfair, London (pics start here)
Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend Paige Butcher out and about in L.A. (pics start here)
*110 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:
Gwyneth Paltrow isn't supposed to be driving in California
Remember a few weeks ago when Gwyneth Paltrow put her daughter Apple's life in danger by cutting off an 8000 pound school bus on her tiny Vespa? I'm sure there must be a question about not being a fucking idiot on the written test at the California DMV, but Gwyneth wouldn't know because she doesn't have her license. From the New York Post:
"If you reside in California, you have 10 days to obtain a license," a state DMV official told "Inside Edition" after the TV show inquired about Paltrow's DMV record.So Lady Gwyneth isn't allowed on the roads of California, eh? Had the bus driver she cut off recently been armed with that little tidbit of information, something tells me that Lady Paltrow and her Faggio would have been launched 50 feet into the air -- or at least been grinded into the rear bumper of an Escalade owned by some other entitled cunt in front of that school for all the children to see and remember for the rest of their lives. I can only imagine the reaction of people seeing a picture of the chalk outline (skid mark conspicuously missing) of where her royal highness landed . . . well, the reaction would probably have been stale and emotionless, just like Gwyneth's acting.
Paltrow, 40, and husband Chris Martin, 36, moved to Los Angeles with their children earlier this summer, and have yet to apply for new licenses. The couple was picking up their children from school on Monday, when Paltrow darted in front of a school bus on her Vespa, forcing the driver to slam on the breaks to avoid a potentially tragic accident. Making matters worse, her daughter Apple, 9, was riding with her.
A valid M1 or M2 class license is required to operate a motorized scooter in California.
*15 Gwyneth Paltrow Vespa pictures total in the gallery:
Gwyneth Paltrow owns a *gasp* deep fryer
I'm really worried about Gwyneth Paltrow. She still smokes cigarettes, she's cutting off school buses, and now she admits that she own a deep fryer. She's becoming a pariah in the British uppity bitch community. She tells the new issue of Tatler:
"People are always surprised that I have a deep-fat fryer. It's hidden away in the kitchen counter and makes the most incredible French fries."I hope you noticed how nonchalantly Gwyneth admitted to being mouth-breathing, potato-frying trailer trash, because I sure did. The irony is delicious because had this been pre-Iron Man Gwyneth, she would have been the first to look down on the great unwashed masses for even eating french fries, let alone making their own in a deep fryer. Awesome, not only am I looking forward to Gwyn's eventual admission of addictions to chewing tobacco, graffiti, and German scheisse porn, I'm looking forward to her telling us that we suck for not being addicted to chewing tobacco, graffiti, and German scheisse porn.
*15 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:
Gwyneth Paltrow cut off a school bus
While picking her kids up from school in L.A. last week with husband Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow darted out in front of a school bus on her Vespa, causing it to slam its brakes on and probably giving its driver a near heart attack. In other words, she put her child's life at risk so she wouldn't have to wait an extra two seconds until the bus passed. Hmmm, and she wonders why no one likes her?
BTW, in case you missed that little detail in the first sentence/video, GWYNETH PALTROW AND HER HUSBAND PICK THEIR KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL ON FUCKING VESPAS. Seriously, fuck these hipsters. She was probably in a rush to get home to make her own butter.
Gwyneth Paltrow smoking in 1997
Stop the presses. Gwyneth Paltrow admits that she still smokes one cigarette a week. Gwyneth Paltrow? A personal flaw? *gasp* Via the Daily Mail:
But in spite of her penchant for microbiotic diets and a clean-living lifestyle, Gwyneth confessed to [the August issue of Good Housekeeping magazine] of indulging in one cigarette a week. She said: "I smoke one cigarette a week. The girlfriends I smoke with know about it, but I would never do it in front of my kids."What the hell's going on with her royal majesty, Queen Gwyneth of the Colonies? Ever since she campaigned for and won the title of the most beautiful broad in the world, it's been a nonstop stream of Paltrow shenanigans. Last month we found out that Gwyn likes to suck peckers during arguments; now it comes out that for all of the probiotic supplement-infused rambutan smoothies the lady has her chambermaids pour directly into her asshole, Gwyneth is just as unhealthy as the rest of us lowly peasants. Sure, maybe Gwyneth feels the need to smoke one cig a week as a way to demonstrate her superior willpower -- or it could just mean the Gwyneth is an insecure twat who needs to be accepted by her cool smoker friends.
*5 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:
Gwyneth Paltrow in North London (5/2)
Gwyneth Paltrow was raised in a 5,290 square foot mansion in Santa Monica just a few blocks from both Riviera and Brentwood Country Clubs by her mother, actress Blythe Danner, and father, producer Bruce Paltrow (her mom sold it in 2006 for $8.6 million). Her home had more bathrooms (6) than rooms (4). She attended private schools on both coasts (Santa Monica and New York) and briefly studied anthropology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, before her godfather Steven Spielberg cast her as Wendy Darling in his 1991 blockbuster Hook. But dammit if she hasn't suffered in life just like the rest of us, as she tells USA Today:
"I'm a real lightning rod. People project a lot of stuff onto me. It's nothing to do with me. I don't read stuff about myself. I feel like it's none of my business. People perceive that I have too much. I understand that, but I also feel like I've suffered so much. It's not something I talk about. I don't have a perfect life. I don't have a perfect anything. I have incredible struggles, and I'm far from perfect. I struggle like every other woman, every other mother. I understand that things look a certain way."Oh, damn you peasants for constantly putting down Dame Gwyneth. Look, you Capite Censi simply do not possess the mental capacity (no disrespect intended) to understand how Gwyneth is the reason life exists on Earth. She's the sun in the sky, the cherry on the banana split, the coffee table during a glass bottom boat session. Instead of hating her royal majesty, you should rejoice in knowing that Gwyneth is solving our modest little planet's problems . . . one mediocre blowjob at a time. BTW, "Capite Censi" isn't a typo. It's what the upper crust of society like Gwyneth and myself call you peasants. Go ahead, Google it.
*15 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery: