Gwyneth Paltrow


Gwyneth Paltrow leaving Emilio's Ballato restaurant in New York in June

Gwyneth Paltrow, you are no Audrey Hepburn. Not only did Audrey not know where her water was sourced from, but she drank straight from the tap. I know, Gwyneth. Take a minute to catch your breath. From The Globe:
Four months after she "consciously uncoupled" from rocker hubby Chris Martin, there's more bad news for the trendsetter Gwyneth Paltrow. The 41-year-old Oscar winner is made up to look like the glamorous Audrey Hepburn in the new Breakfast at Tiffany's style advertising campaign for Max Factor cosmetics. But she's getting a big backlash from Hepburn fans, who say she doesn't hold a candle to their hero. "She's not pretty enough to be Audrey," snapped one Paltrow-basher on the Internet. "Worst casting ever!" blasted another, while a third said: "She's not even half the woman Audrey Hepburn was." (Print Edition - 8/11)
I think Audrey Hepburn was some sort of old timey actress from back in the days of talking picture shows, poll taxes, and polio, but whoever she was, no one deserves to have their memory desecrated by Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth's so full of herself, even that anorexic-pigmy Audrey Hepburn couldn't fit a finger in her . . . wait, why did this post just turn erotic?  

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 3
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 10

Gwyneth Paltrow and her daughter Apple in the Hamptons (7/13)

Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow cut off an 8000 pound bus on her vespa outside her daughter's school because vespas are stronger than buses? Bitch ruined it for everyone. From the Hollywood Reporter:
Gwyneth Paltrow had become known among fellow parents for chicly whisking her kids to and from their tony L.A. private prep on the back of her Vespa. From Gwyneth Paltrow to Simon Simon: How 8 Stars Are Trying to Halt the Aging Process But THR hears school officials have put the kibosh on the practice, citing safety concerns.
Despite the ban, Gwyneth is still determined to kill her children, so there she is driving Apple around one-handed in the Hamptons on Sunday, where INF says she was "carelessly weaving" in and out of traffic. "And then, officer, she yelled 'Out of my way, brownie! Oscar winners have the right of way!' And that's when the grill of my gardening truck hit her and shattered her spine."

*25 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 2
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 1
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Paparazzi photos from Thursday, May 22

Gwyneth Paltrow arriving for a flight at JFK Airport in New York (pics start here)

Joanna Krupa leaving Lure nightclub in Hollywood (pics start here)

Johnny Depp on the set of Black Mass in Boston (pics start here)

Renee Zellweger and her boyfriend Doyle leaving Cecconi's in West Hollywood (pics start here)

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian shopping in New York (pics start here)

Jaime King leaving Lemonade restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Nikki Reed leaving Erewhon Natural Foods Market in L.A. (pics start here)

Sarah Paulson out and about in New York (pics start here)

Emma Stone and her boyfriend Andrew Garfield out for coffee in New York (pics start here)

Vin Diesel shopping for eyewear in L.A. (pics start here)

Kim Kardashian arriving for lunch at L'Avenue restaurant in Paris (pics start here)

Jordana Brewster out for a walk in L.A. (pics start here)

*111 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 4
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow leaving the Brentwood Country Mart (5/18)

What? Plenty of 41-year-old single moms wear shorts not big enough to cover their ass. For example: Walmart. Second example: Bad Girls Club. Third example: Britney Spears in nine years. Fourth example . . . that's all I got.

h/t: The Superficial

*16 Gwyneth Paltrow butt pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Butt Cheek 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Butt Cheek 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Butt Cheek 3
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Gwyneth Paltrow leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (5/8)

While leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood last week, Gwyneth Paltrow's driver squirted the paparazzi with windshield wiper fluid. Pretty sure in California it's illegal to turn your car into the ghetto version of James Bond's car. Did orders come from the top down? Or is this just a rogue employee? To be safe, let's deport Gwyneth to Nigeria until the investigation is complete. Women are safe in Nigeria, right?

*5 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Squirting Paparazzi 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Squirting Paparazzi 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Squirting Paparazzi 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Squirting Paparazzi 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Squirting Paparazzi 5

Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (4/9)

Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung were both spotted at the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood on Wednesday night. So? What's the big deal? The big deal is that Alexa is one of the chicks that Chris Martin is rumored to be having an affair with. Awk. Ward. From Star (via Cele|bitchy):
Alexa has been spending more time in L.A. since Goop and Chris moved there last year. Chris "reportedly has been sneaking out nights to see her and confide in her." They've been spending a lot of time at Alexa's Hollywood Hills home and "Chris loves having Alexa close by." And "they have lots of friends in common and just clicked."
Gwyneth Paltrow can come up with all the fancy euphemisms she wants, but when it comes down to it, she's just an ordinary wife whose husband is cheating on her. She's no different than one of those crazy bitches you see on Cheaters, except the punches she throws at Chris were taught to her by a venerable Tibetan warrior during a retreat she went on last year to the mountainous village of Chagyoi. "Oh my gosh, it was so amazing! Why haven't you gone yet???"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Alexa Chung 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Alexa Chung 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Alexa Chung 3
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Alexa Chung 10


Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow in Paris last April

It's been strongly-suggested for years that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had an open marriage, and the two have had their share of rumored affairs -- Gwyneth with Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer, entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn, and [INSERT NAME HERE]; and Chris with Alexa Chung, Kate Bosworth, and now according to the New York Post, an assistant for Saturday Night Live:
NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on "Saturday Night Live" in 2011 with Coldplay. One source tells us the girl in question was an assistant on the show, while another NBC source explained, "He had an affair with a woman who was backstage and was part of an entourage. Everyone was talking about it because he was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties."
You can't blame a guy married to Gwyneth Paltrow for having an affair with a lowly assistant. Maybe he just wanted to go out to dinner with somebody who wouldn't spend 40 minutes annoying the waiter with questions about the water. "Is this from an aquifer or a spring? Is this sustainable? Is the pH over 7? Because I refuse to drink anything less. What month was this harvested? Is that pitcher BPA free? Can you send over the water sommelier please?"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Martin Affair 1
  • Chris Martin Affair 2
  • Chris Martin Affair 3
  • Chris Martin Affair 4
  • Chris Martin Affair 5
  • Chris Martin Affair 6
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  • Chris Martin Affair 10

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled

Well this has been a long time coming. Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are divorcing -- though they refer to it as a "conscious" uncoupling" in the announcement. Gee, I'll give you one guess who came up with that condescending euphemism. Hint: it was Gwyneth, that fucking asshole. She posted to her newsletter Goop:
I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE
Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris
Gwyneth added: "It is a sad day, but lessening the air of melancholy is this 100% cotton t-shirt I'm lounging around in. Woven by mute amputee monks in the hills of Tibet. Just $795. I can't believe you don't own one."

*35 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Divorce Announcement 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Divorce Announcement 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Divorce Announcement 3
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Divorce Announcement 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow leaving a medical building in Venice (1/17)

Let there be no doubt that Gwyneth Paltrow's kids are annoying as she is. Their mom is Gwyneth Paltrow after all. From Lea Michele's interview in the April issue of Glamour UK:
Within minutes, the 27-year-old Glee star is showing off her impressive British accent (she learnt it from co-star Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter, Apple, "who speaks with a British accent to her friends and an American one to her mum -- it's the coolest thing I've ever seen").
Oh God, no. No no no. There's a miniature Gwyneth Paltrow walking the Earth. And she's only gonna get worse. Today, she's talking to her friends in a British accent. Tomorrow, she's wondering why more homeless people don't wear cashmere. I mean, don't they know how warm and comfortable it is? I don't understand them.

*20 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Kids Just Like Her 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Kids Just Like Her 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Kids Just Like Her 3
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Gwyneth Paltrow new home in Malibu

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin just dropped $14 million on a clifftop home in Malibu. Yeah, but does it have a pool? Oh, right, I guess it does have a pretty nice pool. From Curbed:
Architect John Lautner designed some heartachingly beautiful houses all over Southern California, but the Garwood Residence in Point Dume is not one of them; still, it's apparently met the exacting standards of Gwyneth Paltrow, who has just picked it up for $14 million. Developer Donald Sher, who bought the house in 1996 for something like $1.4 million, has had the Garwood up for sale since July 2012, first asking $15.9 million, and more recently $14.995 million.

Word is that Gwynnie will bring in Windsor Smith--who decorated the Mandeville Canyon house she bought in 2012--to overhaul Sher's "meh" interiors in the four-bedroom, three-bathroom house. The property also comes with an acre of land, a pool, a tennis court, a gym and yoga studio, an outdoor kitchen/dining area, and private access to Little Dume Beach, plus "protected backyard anchorage for your yacht."
Holy shit on a stick, how is this possible? I looked at Gwyneth's resume, and I have to say that it's pretty weak. Her movies are mostly artsy-fartsy bullshit when she's the lead, so where did Gwyneth get the money to do this? I'm starting to understand why actors sell their souls to Xenu to stay in the Hollywood loop -- when you can drop $14m for yet another mansion when your biggest non-comic book movie is Shallow Hal, there's more at play than talent or picking good rolls. There's either a Ponzi scheme at work or Gwyneth gives great handjobs. Yeah, let's go with the latter on this one.

*20 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Point Dume 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Point Dume 2
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