Gwyneth Paltrow


Gwyneth Paltrow arriving on a flight at LAX airport (5/22) 

You know how Gwyneth Paltrow always says annoying shit and makes up annoying terms like "conscious uncoupling"? Turns out she doesn't actually do any of that and it's everyone else's fault. Oh, what a relief. I guess we all owe her a big apology now or something. From the New York Post:
Paltrow told Fast Company's September issue the headline on the Goop.com story on her split from Coldplay frontman Martin was [Goop editorial director Elise] Loehnen's brainchild. "When I announced that I was separating on the Web site [Loehnen] titled the piece 'Conscious Uncoupling,' and I had no idea," she said.

Paltrow added Loehnen also penned the piece about a $50 vaginal steam treatment at an LA spa (The story included: "It is an energetic release -- not just a steam douche -- that balances female hormone levels.").
Paltrow went on to add that she doesn't know how this reputation of hers started when, deep down, she's just another one of the guys: "I make my own beer with sustainably harvested hops from my private micro farm outside Seattle just like the next guy."

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 5
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 7
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 8
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 9
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Full of Shit 10

Mila Kunis leaving Go Greek Yogurt in Beverly Hills (2/19)

You can't blame a newly-single Gwyneth Paltrow for trying to get laid. But maybe she should hit on the guys who she knows aren't married. From the National Enquirer:
"Uncoupled" cutie Gwyneth Paltrow's bid to hit on Ashton Kutcher at a Malibu bash has wife Mila Kunis fuming! "Mila is furious!" said one partygoer. While the "Ted" beauty kept cool at the party, friends said she's looking for payback. "Mila won't let Gwyneth get away with humiliating her like that," the source added. (Print Edition - 4/27)
Let me see here. Gwyneth Paltrow is from Santa Barbara. Mila Kunis is from Ukraine. Gwyneth has cut one thing in her life: vine-ripened tomatoes from her organic garden in the backyard. Mila has been cutting things for years, but mainly bitches who cross her. I don't like the odds here. If I was Gwyneth, I would run far far away. May I suggest Syria?

*20 Mila Kunis pictures total in the gallery:

  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 1
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 2
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 3
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 4
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 5
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 6
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  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 16
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 17
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 18
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 19
  • Mila Will Cut a Bitch 20

Gwyneth Paltrow bought the Hustler Hollywood store

Gwyneth Paltrow bought the Hustler Hollywood store and is planning on turning it into an exclusive member's only club. But not before she sells a few butt plugs I'm sure. Huge margins on those things. From TMZ:
Our real estate sources say Gwynnie and business partner Gary Landesberg scored the property from porn lord Larry Flynt.

Their plan is to build the Arts Clubs similar to the one in London and Aspen. The Club is Soho-esque, with a fancy restaurant (Zuma, one of the best in London), a nightclub/lounge, and artsy stuff like poetry readings and various events. The club prohibits swearing. You can't bet inside, but you can play backgammon, but only if there are no stakes. Of course, there's a strict dress code.

The club is pricey ... $2K to join the London franchise and $2k a year. The Sunset Strip club promises to be way more expensive.
Poetry readings? Backgammon? Uppity rules? This is god damn perfect for Gwyneth. Rumor is, because of the drought in California, the ice maker for the bar will run strictly on harvested rainwater. No more than one cube in your Gin Rickey unless there's an approaching storm. Okay, maybe not, but it sounds exactly like something Gwyneth would do.

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 5
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 6
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 7
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 8
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 9
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Arts Club 10

Gwyneth Paltrow wants future generations to know the joy of GOOP

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't want her lifestyle newsletter Goop to fold when her perceived gluten intolerance finally kills her. She dreams of one day passing the site down to her children so they can be ridiculed well into their adult life, too. She told Stephanie Ruhle of Bloomberg Television:
"I never wanted to do a proprietary brand. I wanted it to be its own thing that my children can run one day if they want to ... I think there is sometimes a miscommunication. We aren't a super-luxury site but we're aspirational. We have things on there that cost $4. We have things on there that cost $500. I think sometimes that some of the criticism that Goop gets is because people haven't actually gone to the site and looked around to see what we actually are."
"Not a super-luxury site" . . . Among the items on Goop's annual gift guide last year were a cashmere throw blanket for $995 (because fuck crippling debt, "it's really hard to go wrong with a cashmere throw blanket"), a cashmere cape for $3,190 ("totally chic and wearable" while you're demeaning the help), and -- I shit you not -- a gold plated juicer for $4,739 ("absurd, yet awesome" which implies she actually owns one). Oh, but look, right under the $4,500 Valentino canvas bag, there's a travel adapter for only $25! That's, like, totally for us normal people! We can use it on our trips to Bali and Tibet! Oh Goop, I'll never mock you again.

*13 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 4
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 7
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 8
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 9
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Future 10

Gwyneth Paltrow riding her Vespa in L.A. (2/7)

Gwyneth Paltrow is lane splitting on a Vespa -- a Vespa. The average Vespa weighs roughly one Jonah Hill (~300 pounds). The average car weighs roughly 13 Jonah Hills (~3,900 pounds). Gwyneth Paltrow's skull is squishy and full of biological matter. Gee, what could possibly go wrong?

*5 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Lane Splitting 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Lane Splitting 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Lane Splitting 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Lane Splitting 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Lane Splitting 5

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, January 22

Gwyneth Paltrow at the premiere of Mortdecai at The TCL Chinese Theater in Hollywood (pics start here)

Bai Ling leaving The Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica (pics start here)

Jennifer Lopez leaving The Huffington Post Live studios in New York (pics start here)

Naomi Watts out and about in New York (pics start here)

Elizabeth Hurley catching a flight at Berlin Tegel Internationa Airport (pics start here)

Reese Witherspoon leaving Starbucks in Brentwood (pics start here)

Anne Hathaway and her husband Adam Shulman out and about in New York (pics start here)

Kate Gosselin running errands in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania (pics start here)

Kate Moss leaving the Louis Vuitton Show in Paris (pics start here)

Janice Dickinson leaving a salon in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Singer KT Tunstall at the 5th Annual Guild of Music Supervisors Awards at Mack Sennett Studios in L.A. (pics start here)

Malin Akerman leaving NBC Studios in New York (pics start here)

*103 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

  • Paltrow Side Boobage 1
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 2
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 3
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 4
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 5
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 6
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  • Paltrow Side Boobage 15
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 1
  • Paltrow Side Boobage 2
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  • Paltrow Side Boobage 18
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  • Paltrow Side Boobage 20

Police outside Gwyneth Paltrow's home on Saturday night

According to INF, cops were called to Gwyneth Paltrow's birthday party at her home in Brentwood on Saturday night. But don't worry, it wasn't for loud music or any kind of trespasser. Gwyneth had actually rented some tables that were supposed to be Spanish Cedar, but they gave her Mayan Walnut by mistake. I know, right? Mayan Walnut isn't even sustainable. Huge drama. Party ruined. Cops called. I'm just glad no one got hurt.

*5 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Cops Called 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Cops Called 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Cops Called 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Cops Called 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Cops Called 5

Gwyneth Paltrow leaving Emilio's Ballato restaurant in New York in June

Gwyneth Paltrow, you are no Audrey Hepburn. Not only did Audrey not know where her water was sourced from, but she drank straight from the tap. I know, Gwyneth. Take a minute to catch your breath. From The Globe:
Four months after she "consciously uncoupled" from rocker hubby Chris Martin, there's more bad news for the trendsetter Gwyneth Paltrow. The 41-year-old Oscar winner is made up to look like the glamorous Audrey Hepburn in the new Breakfast at Tiffany's style advertising campaign for Max Factor cosmetics. But she's getting a big backlash from Hepburn fans, who say she doesn't hold a candle to their hero. "She's not pretty enough to be Audrey," snapped one Paltrow-basher on the Internet. "Worst casting ever!" blasted another, while a third said: "She's not even half the woman Audrey Hepburn was." (Print Edition - 8/11)
I think Audrey Hepburn was some sort of old timey actress from back in the days of talking picture shows, poll taxes, and polio, but whoever she was, no one deserves to have their memory desecrated by Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth's so full of herself, even that anorexic-pigmy Audrey Hepburn couldn't fit a finger in her . . . wait, why did this post just turn erotic?  

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 5
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 6
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 7
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 8
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 9
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Audrey Hepburn 10

Gwyneth Paltrow and her daughter Apple in the Hamptons (7/13)

Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow cut off an 8000 pound bus on her vespa outside her daughter's school because vespas are stronger than buses? Bitch ruined it for everyone. From the Hollywood Reporter:
Gwyneth Paltrow had become known among fellow parents for chicly whisking her kids to and from their tony L.A. private prep on the back of her Vespa. From Gwyneth Paltrow to Simon Simon: How 8 Stars Are Trying to Halt the Aging Process But THR hears school officials have put the kibosh on the practice, citing safety concerns.
Despite the ban, Gwyneth is still determined to kill her children, so there she is driving Apple around one-handed in the Hamptons on Sunday, where INF says she was "carelessly weaving" in and out of traffic. "And then, officer, she yelled 'Out of my way, brownie! Oscar winners have the right of way!' And that's when the grill of my gardening truck hit her and shattered her spine."

*25 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 5
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 6
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 7
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 12
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 13
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 14
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 15
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 5
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 6
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 7
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 8
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 9
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Unsafe Scooter 10

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, May 22

Gwyneth Paltrow arriving for a flight at JFK Airport in New York (pics start here)

Joanna Krupa leaving Lure nightclub in Hollywood (pics start here)

Johnny Depp on the set of Black Mass in Boston (pics start here)

Renee Zellweger and her boyfriend Doyle leaving Cecconi's in West Hollywood (pics start here)

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian shopping in New York (pics start here)

Jaime King leaving Lemonade restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Nikki Reed leaving Erewhon Natural Foods Market in L.A. (pics start here)

Sarah Paulson out and about in New York (pics start here)

Emma Stone and her boyfriend Andrew Garfield out for coffee in New York (pics start here)

Vin Diesel shopping for eyewear in L.A. (pics start here)

Kim Kardashian arriving for lunch at L'Avenue restaurant in Paris (pics start here)

Jordana Brewster out for a walk in L.A. (pics start here)

*111 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 3
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 4
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 5
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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 15
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 1
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 2
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Luggage 3
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