But they looked so happy together . . .
adonna and Guy Ritchie released a joint statement today saying the statement put out on Monday by Madonna's publicist Liz Rosenberg which claimed Guy Ritchie was receiving between 50 and 60 million pounds in a settlement was inaccurate:
"We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children." (Source)
Holy shit, Madonna is such a transparent bitch. Liz Rosenberg issued the statement about the settlement. Liz Rosenberg works for Madonna. Who do you think told Liz to issue the statement? HINT: It was Madonna. Publicists aren't in the business of releasing statements about their clients that haven't been approved by the clients. That's how they become ex-publicists. Madonna, you're not gonna generate any sympathy for yourself. No one feels sorry that you lost almost $100 million to your ex-husband. The public is on Guy's side and that ain't gonna change unless he goes and joins Al Qaeda. Even then, I'd have to really think about it.
[WENN]
A-Rod abandoning his family for Christmas
In what might go down as the most awkward Christmas ever, Madonna is flying A-Rod to London to join Guy Ritchie and her for Christmas. Wait, did A-Rod forget he has kids and they probably want to see their dad on Christmas? Aw, fuck 'em. A source told The Sun:
"She wants the kids to be with their parents but wants time with A-Rod too. She knows he lives large and that he loves the fact she’s his equal for earning power. She wants to treat him. The kids are the biggest thing and she’ll plan for them but still have a bit of the Christmas she wanted." (Source)
y initial reaction to this story was, wow, Guy is gonna beat the shit out of that pussy A-Rod. But then I realized, if you're Guy Ritchie, aren't you throwing that guy a giant thank-you party? If not for his affair with Madonna, maybe Guy tries to work things out with her and ends up miserable for the next ten years. Enter A-Rod, enter freedom and a $76 million+ divorce settlement. If I was Guy Ritchie, I'd do everything short of blow A-Rod during his visit.
Guy Ritchie in London (12/16)
You know how World War II veterans refer to one day after D-Day as "D-Day +1" or five days as "D-Day +5"? D-Day was the beginning of the end of the war so every day after was related to it. I think it'd be cool to refer to Guy Ritchie and Madonna's settlement date in the same sort of way. We can help Madonna remember the day she lost $76 million+ and also track the fabulous time Guy's having spending it. If all goes well, we'll slowly drive her insane.
Madonna to pay ex-husband Guy Ritchie at least $76 million
Remember all those reports about how Guy Ritchie didn't want one cent of Madonna's $400 million+ fortune? Remember how you thought to yourself, "WTF? But Madonna's a bitch. Guy should take her to the cleaners." Guess what? He did. From the Associated Press:
Madonna has settled her divorce with ex-husband Guy Ritchie for at least 50 million pounds ($76 million), the singer's spokeswoman said Monday.Liz Rosenberg told The Associated Press the settlement was in the range of 50 million to 60 million pounds ($76 million to $92 million) as part of their divorce agreement, a figure she said included the value of the couple's country home, Ashcombe House in western England. Rosenberg said the couple's west London pub — the Punchbowl — would also remain with Ritchie.
"I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement," Rosenberg said. (Source)
Almost a quarter of her fortune? Ouch. You know, there's a part of me that almost feels sorry for Madonna. Oh wait . . . no there's not. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
[Splash News]
Guy Ritchie leaving his pub in London (12/9)
The newly-divorced Guy Ritchie and Madonna are planning on spending Christmas together at Guy's countryside estate in Ashcombe, England. Wow, that shouldn't be awkward. "Rocco son, can you tell your stupid whore of a mom to pass the gravy?" A source told the Daily Mail:
"Madonna and Guy want the best for the kids and so she has decided to come over to the UK so they can be with their father. Guy is happiest with his kids and in the countryside. Because of what the kids have been through this year he wants to treat them to a really special Christmas with stockings of presents and a big tree. He is planning on having a traditional turkey dinner – although all the food will be organic at Madonna's insistence. Madonna doesn't really like Ashcombe but she thinks it's important that they put on a united front for the kids. She will, however, be eating a different meal as she will only eat fish. She will also be working out on Christmas Day." (Source)
If Madonna and Guy really "want the best for the kids," they'll get them the only Christmas present any kid from that family would want: a handgun loaded with a single bullet. Why is Madonna celebrating Christmas anyway? I thought her new religion forbade Christian holidays, pork, and foreskin. Knowing Madonna, she'll probably try to impose her beliefs anyway . . . by lighting Guy's possessions on fire for eight straight nights.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce is final
adonna and Guy Ritchie finalized their divorce today at a court in London. The two were granted a so-called "quickie divorce." Madonna listed the reason for the split as Guy's "continuing unreasonable behavior." Whatever bitch. You want to know what's unreasonable? Five hour workouts every day. Muscles aren't supposed to develop muscles. You want to know what else is unreasonable? Level Five on Contra. Seriously, how do you beat it without the spread gun?
Guy Ritchie's last few weeks
Guy Ritchie must be kicking himself for not divorcing Madonna sooner. His new life kicks some serious ass. Wake up. Get drunk. Wake up. Get drunk. Wake up. Get drunk. He's basically going to college without the classes. I don't think it's a stretch to say he has the best life in the history of the world.
[BauerGriffinOnline, WENN, Flynet]
Guy Ritchie drunk again in London (11/6)
He's happy. Wow, who saw that coming? Oh that's right, everybody. His dad John told In Touch Weekly:
"He's been in a very good mood. I wasn't upset that they split. I am very pleased for Guy that it is over.""Guy is finally starting to socialize in a way that we haven't seen from him in years," explains another source, adding that Guy's desire to see his friends was a big reason behind his divorce. "Madonna had heard that Guy attended a bachelor party, and she became really upset," says the source. A heated phone argument between the couple prompted Guy to demand an immediate legal separation. "He said, 'I need to get this divorce going so I can live again.'"
I love being right all the time. Does anyone still believe that Madge isn't a manipulative, ball-busting, succubus of a woman? The Material Whore is what I call a "happiness vampire." What this Kaballah freak does is whenever she detects the slightest hint of enjoyment or moment of levity, her vampire vice clamps onto your nutsack until you become as miserable as she is. Thank goodness for Guy that the only antidote is in plenty of supply: young hot chicks with no sense of morals and an eagerness to please. The good thing about happiness vampires is that they sometimes move on to other victims before complete destroying you. Enjoy, A-Rod. You more than any current or former Yankee deserve to have your soul eaten, you stupid choke. I lost $500 because of you in last year's playoffs. Pussy.
Guy Ritchie leaving the Punch Bowl pub in London (11/5)
Guy Ritchie got absolutely wasted last night at his pub in London. It must be nice owning your own pub. Also nice? Cashmere. It's so soft!
