Guy Ritchie

Guy Ritchie leaving The Punchbowl Pub in London (12/9)

The London premiere of Guy Ritchie's new film, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, was last week, and no surprise here considering how much he loves alcohol (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here), but he got absolutely hammered afterwards at his pub, The Punchbowl. I wonder if he drunk-dialed his ex-wife Madonna? "You're from Bay City, Michigan, you stupid cunt! Quit using a British accent!"

*15 Guy Ritchie pictures total in the gallery:

Madonna leaving Aura nightclub in London (7/24)

Wow, it's been nearly two weeks since I posted a story about Madonna's bitter jealousy towards her ex-husband Guy Ritchie. I wonder what took so long? From the Chicago Sun Times:

Sounds like Madonna still hasn't gotten over ex-husband Guy Ritchie. Not only is the Material Mom bugged by his serious romance with model Jacqui Ainsley, she's reportedly obsessed with outdoing him as a filmmaker.

A source on the set of "W.E.," the film Madonna's directing inspired by the duke and duchess of Windsor's historic romance, tells me Madonna is constantly making references to directing decisions "Guy would do."

I think the 'roids have gotten to Madonna's head -- anyone who's seen Sherlock Holmes or Snatch knows that she'll never be able to top Guy. If Madonna really wants to move on with her life and be happy again, she needs to just forget about him and stick to what she's good at, like Boggle and guarding the Gates of Hell. She's Satan, right?

*10 pictures total in the gallery:

Jacqui Ainsley bikini pics!

That's Guy Ritchie showing off his new lingerie model girlfriend Jacqui Ainsley while on vacation Monday in Palma, Spain. Madonna and her dusty vagina must be fuming. That old codger needs to accept the fact that Guy is always going to date chicks that are way younger and way hotter than her. That is, unless she starts dating a time machine. "Madonna honey, where do you want to go to dinner tonight?" ... "Oh, I don't know, 1985?"

*19 photos total in the gallery:

Guy Ritchie's new girlfriend Jacqui Ainsley

Shocking news out of Hollywood today where it's been revealed that Madonna is a bitter old hag. More at 11. From Bill Zwecker at the Chicago Sun Times:

You'd think a mega-superstar would have more confidence, but there's buzz Madonna is not too thrilled about ex-husband Guy Ritchie's lady love, model Jacqui Ainsley (pic of the two together here). Ritchie, who only recently has gone public with his relationship with Ainsley, is said to be quite smitten with the 28-year-old beauty -- with one longtime Ritchie regular telling me, "I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't marry her before year end."

According to a source close to Madonna, the Material Mom -- busy directing "W.E.," her film inspired by the affair of Britain's King Edward VIII and American divorcee Wallis Simpson -- is none too happy that her children have become so enamored of Ainsley.

Apparently that's not the case for Madonna's own boy toy, young Brazilian hunkster Jesus Luz. The mother of a good friend of Madonna's daughter Lourdes Leon says she "finds Jesus obnoxious and very self-absorbed."

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If Madonna can run off with some young piece of meat, so can Guy. Besides, what did Madonna expect? That Guy would sit around and pine for the good ol' days when the only chick he could bang was more leathery and gaping than a cowboy boot? Sorry Madonna, if Guy wanted to spend the rest of his life screwing sinewy old bags, he would've married a vintage Dooney & Bourke tote.

*25 pictures total in the gallery:

Guy Ritchie leaving the Punchbowl Pub in London (6/12)

That's Guy Ritchie leaving his own Punch Bowl pub in London last weekend, doing what he does best -- living the coolest life ever. Seriously, there's just no other way to put it: his life rocks. Pussy, money, beer. Rinse, repeat. Guy better hope there's no such thing as reincarnation because he'll never have a life as cool as this again. He'll probably be brought back to earth as a piece of food stuck in Britney Spears' teeth for, like, a week. "Didn't even know that was in there! Snack!"

*10 pics total in the gallery:

Michaela Kocianova at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2009

Meet Michaela Kocianova, Guy Ritchie's new girlfriend. The two were seen on a pub crawl together last week in London. To recap, she loves beer and dressing up in lingerie. She's God's perfect creation. from UK tabloid News of the World:

Michaela insists she conk-ered Guy when he was directing a Christian Dior perfume ad in Paris that she was starring in, alongside Jude Law.

"Guy fell in love with me because of my nose. He told me beauty is boring - I love your nose. He was really kind to me," she said. "The script went out the window. I was much more on camera than was originally planned because he wanted to see more of me. He told me he believes in me and said I looked great."

Guy Ritchie must be kicking himself. He wasted 8 years of his life with Madonna when he could have been pulling ass like this. 8 years. That's 2920 days. According to my calculations (accounting for threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, and quickie BJs in bathroom stalls), Guy could have hooked up with 7,956 supermodels. Along with Lamar Odom marrying Khloe Kardashian* and whoever hires Lindsay Lohan for their next film, Guy marrying Madonna may go down as one of the biggest blunders of the 21st Century. It pains me to say this because I do genuinly like the guy, but dammit, Guy Ritchie is a fucking idiot.

*Khloe's this big in her 1st year of marriage in her mid-20s? Imagine how big she'll be in her 20th year of marriage in her mid-40s.

*34 pics total in the gallery:

Guy Ritchie is drunk

Guy Ritchie is bringing his brand of drunkenness stateside. He's opening a carbon copy of his London pub "The Punch Bowl" in Los Angeles. Sweeeeeet. From OK!:

Our source close to the Sherlock Holmes director told us: “Those behind the Punch Bowl have been checking out a few locations in LA. An opening there could be hugely star-studded and with all Guy’s movie mates it would be a fantastic place to start."

Obviously Guy's opening a bar in L.A. to help him drown away the memory of being married to Madonna (more work = less thinking). What he doesn't seem to realize is that if he really wants to forget those painful eight years, there are already several established places to visit here in America that can help him become devoid of all thought: like the Church of Scientology or Jimmy Fallon's studio audience.

Guy Ritchie leaving the Punch Bowl pub in London (11/5)

I meant to post these pics last Friday but I got so damn drunk, I passed out and forgot I even had them. I also lost my bus pass and nearly got kicked out of my parent's basement. What a day. Anyways, here's Guy Ritchie drunk off his ass last week. Ha! What a loser!

Guy Ritchie leaving the Dorchester Hotel in London (9/11)

Guy Ritchie celebrated his 41st birthday last week in London. And got beyond fucked up. An entire bottle of Jack tends to do that. I know what you're wondering: What did he get from everyone? Don't worry, I wouldn't post a birthday story without listing the presents:

- bruised elbow . . . from falling
- bruised knee . . . from falling
- scraped shin . . . from falling
- pair of socks from his Aunt
- bloody palm . . . from falling
- savings bond from his grandma
- bruised tailbone . . . from falling

Guy Ritchie leaving the Kabbalah Centre in London (6/27)

Guy Ritchie is back with the succubus. Oh no. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Meanwhile, as tipped here recently, Madonna and Guy Ritchie also could be getting back together. While some Madonna friends agree with a London pal -- ''they are just friendly again because of their kids'' -- another Madonna source disagrees. "They probably will never remarry, but they are definitely back together, and that includes romantically. ... Madonna has become bored with [recent boytoy] Jesus Luz."

What could possibly be drawing Guy back to Madonna? Her money? He's already got it. Her looks? She never had any. He's not meeting new women? He owns a pub. No, there can only be one logical reason why Guy would ever get back together with that demon spawn: the health and well-being of their kids she threatened to throw a car at him.