George Clooney

George Clooney hooks up with Stacy Keibler

In the wake of his breakup with Elisabetta Canalis, George Clooney is really struggling . . . struggling with how to fit all the pieces of ass he's nailing into his schedule. Like Stacy Keibler. From Life & Style:

Life & Style can exclusively reveal that George has been getting cozy with former WWE star and Dancing With the Stars contestant Stacy Keibler. An insider tells Life & Style that Stacy recently flew to Italy to spend time with George at his villa in Lake Como. "I’m in heaven,” Stacy tweeted about her trip.

"Hey, you want to go visit my villa on Lake Como?" Seriously, it's almost not even fair. I would probably have sex with George Clooney if he asked me that.

Though they seem to be an unlikely pair, George and Stacy have been acquaintances for some time and were set up by a mutual friend, the insider reveals. "They have a lot of friends in common and run in the same circles," another pal tells the magazine, on newsstands now.

But Stacy — who split with her longtime boyfriend, 7th Heaven star Geoff Stults, a year ago — isn’t looking for a commitment, which suits George just fine. “He’s enjoying spending time with Stacy, but he just got out of a two-year relationship,” says the insider. “George isn’t ready for anything serious. This fling is purely for fun.”

It's a good thing Stacy's not looking for a relationship, because the only thing George hates more than commitment is a room without mirrors. In all honesty though, you've got to tip your hat to him. Even though he starting to look a little weathered, he's still been in more poon than Tampax -- so basically, he's like the male version of Lindsay Lohan.

*65 Stacy Keibler pictures total in the gallery:

Elisabetta Canalis on Roberto Cavalli's yacht during the 2011 Cannes International Film Festival (5/18)

Elisabetta Canalis' dastardly plan is finally coming to fruition. Excellent . . . *does that finger thing like Mr. Burns* . . . from the Chicago Sun Times:

Even though Elisabetta Canalis and George Clooney have gone their separate ways, it sounds like the Italian beauty isn’t all that broken up about it.

“She got what she wanted,” said a snide Hollywood BZ spy — pointing to the fact Canalis reportedly already has used her Clooney connection to line up a bunch of pending endorsement deals and TV commercials to bolster the estimated $10 million she already pulls in from her various projects in Italy, where she has long been a major star.

Whew! It's such a relief to know that a gorgeous-looking gold digger somehow found a way to prosper in life. For a moment there, I was worried that things wouldn't work out for the poor little thing. In all seriousness though, if the Casey Anthony trial taught us anything, it's that she and O.J. are probably looking for the real killers on a golf course somewhere chicks with a nice rack always end up winners.

*23 Elisabetta Canalis pictures total in the gallery:

George Clooney is not gay

George Clooney's friend Manuele Malenotti has some important news about the actor: he totally loves pussy. So don't even think he doesn't, dude. He totally does. Via the Daily Mail:

Speaking to the latest edition of glossy Italian weekly Chi [about Clooney's recent breakup with Elisabetta Canalis], Malenotti said: "I know about their relationship because I was the one who got them together. George wanted to meet Elisabetta and he asked me to make the introductions. I did as he asked but inside I always knew that it wouldn't last - to be honest I was expecting it. You will have to ask them for all the specific reasons. All I can say is that George, when it comes to love, has decided that he is not going to get married again and he is not going to have any children and he won't change his mind.

" In two years they shared numerous moments. He opened the doors of his life to her, introducing her to his friends and family. I totally exclude that it was all made up. I can also tell you that I have known George for ten years, I have spent a lot of time with him and a lot of women have passed through his life. You never know in life, and men are having an identity crisis but I can tell you George is not gay."

It's always good when a friend of yours goes out of his way to say that you're not gay, even though the question was never asked or even hinted at. Gee, no suspicion there. Not at all. He also should have randomly added that George isn't a closet Nazi who enjoys dressing teen runaways up in clown makeup and fucking them in the ass. You know, just so there's no suspicion about it.

*20 George Clooney pictures total in the gallery:

George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis leaving Gatto Nero restaurantat in Como, Italy (6/14)

After being spotted together in Italy just a week ago (above), George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis announced in a joint statement today that they're splitting up. How very adult of them. Usually my girlfriend and I announce our break up to the world by her throwing all my shit on the lawn. From People:

"We are not together anymore. It's very difficult and very personal, and we hope everyone can respect our privacy," Clooney and Canalis said in a joint statement Wednesday.

Added Canalis's publicist: "It is a very personal and sad matter, and Elisabetta wants it to remain that way. She will be taking some time ... and then will face the press. She has not authorized me to say when the split happened."

In related news, I was on vacation in Cabo San Lucas last December and ate dinner here a table away from George and Elisabetta (on this night). When he got up to leave, my girlfriend asked him for a picture and he flat out said no. Mind you, she asked him after he got up from the table (she didn't interrupt him) and there were maybe 6 other people in the restaurant at the time (so it's not like there would have a frenzy of people trying to get pictures). Seriously, fuck you George Clooney. Dickhead.

*33 George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis pictures total in the gallery:

George Clooney caught malaria

The one cool thing about not being famous is that I don't have to go to Africa and do charity work. Which means I will never catch malaria. Ever. That sucker George Clooney on the other hand . . . from People:

Leave it to George Clooney to find the humor in his recent struggle with malaria.

"Well, you know, even with malaria it's just good fun," Clooney said in interview on Piers Morgan Tonight, scheduled to air Friday.

Clooney, 49, contracted malaria during a recent trip to Africa as part of a diplomatic mission to prevent another genocide in the Sudan. His rep says he's subsequently made a full recovery.

Clooney's doctor then went on to say that he didn't give him much of a chance to survive since the only cure for malaria is Artemisinin not being smug for 24 hours. Frankly, it's too bad George didn't contract laryngitis -- it might finally give the rest of us a break from hearing about all the humanitarian and charity work he's constantly doing. Besides, George hasn't been sleeping a lot the past few weeks because he had malaria. He's been sleeping a lot because he's old.

*6 George Clooney pictures total in the gallery:

George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis

George Clooney might actually be getting serious with his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis. Which is weird because he's George freaking Clooney. The longest he should ever date a woman is two to three hours. From the Chicago Sun Times:

The recent visit by George Clooney and girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis to her parents' home on the Italian island of Sardinia have further fueled all those tales about the couple being engaged -- and even rumors the actress and model is expecting the Oscar winner's child. Those stories have all been firmly denied by Clooney's camp.

It must have been hard for George to meet Elisabetta's parents. After nailing so many women over the years, how was he supposed to convince her parents that she was any different?

Clooney: "Look, I know I've banged a lot of skanks over the years, but I've decided that your skank is the one for me."
Elisabetta's Dad: "Sir, I find that offensive and an insult to my precious daughter's reputa-."
Clooney: "Did I mention that I'm filthy filthy rich? Like, disgustingly so."
Elisabetta's Dad: "Salud!"

*11 George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis pictures total in the gallery:

George Clooney will not stand for Mo'nique

You saw this last night if you were following my live tweet-blog, but what was up with George Clooney not standing up with the rest of the audience after Mo'nique won her Oscar? OK, maybe he's just not a standing ovation kind of guy. I can buy that. Um, except when Sandra Bullock won, he gave her a standing ovation. To recap:

Mo'nique: Black

Sandra Bullock: White

Now I'm not going to call him a racist, but I also heard a rumor that later that night, George threw a hissy fit at the Vanity Fair Oscar party after Mo'nique used his water fountain and then had the nerve to sit at the lunch counter. What a jerk he is!

George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis leaving the Crimson Club in New York (1/11)

George Clooney has been forced to sell his lush mansion on Italy's Lake Como, Villa Oleandra, because it's been overrun by the paparazzi. Gosh, this guy just can't catch a break. From The Times:

Potential buyers of the 18th-century Villa Oleandra at Laglio on Lake Como, which Clooney bought in 2002 for a reported $8 million, include the footballer David Beckham, who plays for AC Milan.

The villa complex, said to be on sale for 20 million euros (£18 million), includes a jetty, a botanical garden, tennis courts and an annexe. A short drive from Milan, Lake Como’s crystal-clear waters and mountain setting have long attracted the rich and famous.

Clooney’s girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis, a former Italian showgirl and television hostess, was reported to be “furious and exasperated” last summer when the villa was staked out by paparazzi.

When your girlfriend somehow finds a way to complain about your $20 million villa, that's a pretty good sign that you need to dump her ass. Also a good sign? When she steals your credit card and takes the guy she's been cheating on you with to a fancy French restaurant I HATE YOU BITCH!

George Clooney at the L.A. premiere of Up in the Air in Westwood (11/30)

George Clooney actually went on a date with Madonna last year after she split up with her husband Guy Ritchie. What in the hell dude. Did he lose a bet? From UK tabloid Daily Star:

George was set up with the Queen Mum of Pop by a mutual pal. A friend of the G-Man told us: “He figured she is a smart, accomplished woman so why not give it a try? They went out for dinner in New York, but it turned out really bad. She kept trying to make jokes that weren’t at all funny the entire time and didn’t want to have a real conversation. He could not wait to get out of there.”

What guy in his right mind would give up nailing hot young ass to date Madonna? That's like trading in your new Lamborghini for a riding lawnmower. Sure Madonna might be "accomplished," but that's just code for "can fit four midgets inside her vagina." Although this pairing didn't work, George is lucky about one thing: 99% of women on the dating scene are exactly his type -- younger than him. 

Cindy Crawford bikini pics! (Mexico - 11/28)

If you're like most people, you probably spent the holiday weekend relaxing at your lush private villa in Mexico. Cindy Crawford was no exception. Along with her husband Rande Gerber, she joined George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis at Clooney's home in Puerto Vallarta Los Cabos. According to my awesome imagination, Saturday night's game of "Spin the Bottle" went way too far and Cindy ended up waking up next to Elisabetta the next morning. But it's all good though, because what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.*

*I mean, besides herpes**

**Screw you Spring Break 2004