Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria furniture shopping in North Hollywood (1/5)

Flynet says that Eva Longoria either ate too much on New Year's Eve or might be pregnant after she was spotted trying to hide her stomach with an oversized jacket while shopping on Sunday. So who's the father? My guess is Kanye West. His seed seems to be pretty strong lately. And the revelation would make for a great premiere to the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. "My daughter is crushed, but my bank account is more powerful than ever . . . excellent," Kris Jenner thought, as she sat in total darkness, petting her hairless cat.

*16 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria in the December issue of GQ Mexico

+ Isla Fisher boobs show [Hollywood Tuna]

+ Anne Hathaway staring at some titties [The Superficial]
+ Demi Moore's drunken idiot dance [Celebuzz]
+ Taylor Swift actually did this [IDLYITW]
+ The fuck happened to Rose McGowan? [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Selena Gomez in leggings [Popoholic]
+ Anne V killing it in a minidress [moejackson]
+ Booooooobs [Guyism]
+ Ke$ha is the voice of reason [Dlisted]

+ Hot Girls + Yoga Pants [Caveman Circus]
+ Honey Boo Boo's Christmas special [CityRag]
+ That thing is hideous [popbytes]
+ Jessica Simpson's mom is hitting the bottle [Yeeeah!]

*20 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Wilmer Valderrama and Eva Longoria leaving the funeral of Mexican-American actress Lupe Ontiveros in Pico Rivera, CA (9/3)

It's official: Wilmer Valderrama has banged everyone in Hollywood. Hell, I'm sure even Betty White has sucked him off a few times. From Star:

Just a few days after her split from N.Y. Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, Eva Longoria had already drafted another sweetheart: Wilmer Valderrama! Eva, 37, was spotted canoodling with 32-year-old Wilmer at a play in downtown L.A.

"Wilmer and Eva went in and sat down next to each other - and as soon as the lights went out, she tucked her arm under his and they held hands the entire play," an eyewitness reports. "She kept whispering in his ear and laying her head in his shoulder. They were really the cutest couple."

The pair, who are volunteering together to help encourage Latino Americans to vote this fall, left the performance together after giving Eva's former castmate Felicity Huffman a standing ovation. (Print Edition - 11/12)

There really isn't much of a story here. Being surprised by Fez putting his monster pipe into a battle-hardened veteran like Eva Longoria is like being surprised that the Sun dips under the western horizon every night and returns in the east every morning. It's only amazing to overly dramatic assholes or people who ate paint chips as children. The only thing that's throwing off my spidey sense here is that Eva is laying down for a guy who doesn't have a career anymore. Usually she spreads for guys who are about to become famous so she can swallow their souls and live another 15 minutes -- sort of like a fame-whore black widow. Hey, worked for Madonna.

*10 Wilmer Valderrama and Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Tuesday, November 6

Eva Longoria arriving for lunch at a restaurant in Sherman Oaks (pics start here)

Kelly Brook arriving home in London (pics start here)

Emma Stone leaving a friend's house in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Drew Barrymore leaving a restaurant in Culver City (pics start here)

Frankie Sandford, Rochelle Wiseman, Mollie King, Una Healy, and Vanessa White (The Saturdays) shopping in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Maggie Lawson (Psych) arriving for a flight at Vancouver International Airport (pics start here)

Hugh Jackman at the launch of the book The Actors Edge in Sydney (pics start here)

Cheryl Cole arriving for a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Jason Bateman shopping at a farmer's market in Studio City (pics start here)

Tom Hanks and Halle Berry leaving the BILD office in Berlin, Germany (pics start here)

Elizabeth Banks at a farmer's market in Studio City (pics start here)

Paulina Rubio leaving BOA Steakhouse in West Hollywood (pics start here)

*115 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez split up

Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez are no longer. She dumped his ass. I guess you could say that Mark had the love of his life wide open down the seam and he overthrew her. From Us Weekly:

After a couple months of dating, Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez have split, a rep for the NFL star confirms to Us Weekly.

"Mark adores and respects Eva," Sanchez's rep tells Us. "It really was about scheduling more than anything else. They will remain close friends."

Read: "I finally realized I was slumming it with a dude who's never even been to the Pro Bowl."

"There was no drama," one source tells Us of the split. "They just have completely different schedules and lifestyles. He likes to go out and have fun. She's more focused on her career and her philanthropic work."

Damn it, I thought if there was a couple destined to be together for the long haul, it was Sanchez and Longoria. Well, I guess I can say my matchmaking skills are as good as Mark's throwing accuracy and Eva's acting: I wasn't even close to hitting the target. Maybe there's a chance to save this thing if either one of these two gets replaced with Tim Tebow. All they need is to have St. Tim inject his infectious faith deep inside them.

*15 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria and her boyfriend Mark Sanchez in New York (9/22)

Even though they've been dating for less than a month, INF says that mediocre actress Eva Longoria and mediocre Jets' quarterback Mark Sanchez might already be moving in together as they were seen apartment hunting on Park Avenue over the weekend. They actually found a place, but when Mark went to go sign the lease, his signature was too wide of the dotted line. And then he tried again and it was too short. And then it was too high. And then it was too far to the left. And then the right. And then he fumbled the pen. You get the point.

*30 Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez pics total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria on the set of a mystery project in L.A. (8/15)

Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez are totally doing it, but not officially. Good for him. Less presents to buy. From Hollyscoop:

Eva Longoria and Mark Sanchez are NOT dating, even though they are hanging out a lot and going on dates. A source very close to the actress confirms to Hollyscoop that Eva and Mark are not dating, contrary to what you may have read or heard.

After ending things in her on-again off-again relationship with Penelope Cruz's little brother Eduardo Cruz, Longoria has been spotted several times out and about with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. 37-year-old Eva Longoria has been "hanging out with" or "seeing" the 25-year-old pro-baller after months of speculation of are-they-aren't-they dating rumors.

The couple went out on Friday night with friends in New Jersey where they were nibbling off each others plates, a sure sign that they are totally dating or just super hungry.

"She's been with him a lot," says one source.

Is this an item? Seriously? If we're calling spaghetti-armed Mark Sanchez and Tony Parker-reject Eva Longoria celebrities, then I'll shut Celebslam down and start selling herbal remedies online. Eva and Mark aren't high enough on the importance scale unless they ratchet up the kookery to Amanda Bynes-like levels. Now I do have a ban on boring people, but I will give Sanchez credit for banging a woman old enough to be his mother. What? Eva would have been 12 when Mark was born. She's Latino.

*15 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery:

Eduardo Cruz in Ibiza, Spain (6/6)

After splitting from her husband Tony Parker in late 2010, Eva Longoria quickly rebounded with Penelope Cruz's younger brother Eduardo. About a month after the two broke up in March of this year, Eduardo was spotted making an early morning exit from Eva's house, and everyone naturally assumed they were back together. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. I guess the point I'm trying to make is if you want to fuck Eva Longoria, tonight would be a good night because there's Eduardo at the beach in Ibiza yesterday hanging out with some hot topless chick. Bring her roses or something. And talk about how much men suck.

*19 Eduardo Cruz pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Thursday, May 17

Eva Longoria outside the Martinez Hotel during the Cannes Film Festival in France (pics start here)

Vanessa Hudgens and her sister Stella Hudgens on their way to the gym in L.A. (pics start here)

Reese Witherspoon playing tennis at Brentwood Country Club (pics start here)

Gwen Stefani heading to a studio in L.A. (pics start here)

Hilary Duff leaving a dentist's office in Burbank (pics start here)

Dina Lohan eating lunch at The Grove in Hollywood (pics start here)

Katherine Heigl returning to her home in Los Feliz (pics start here)

Dianna Agron out and about in Los Feliz (pics start here)

Krysten Ritter out and about in New York (pics start here)

Jennifer Lopez arriving at American Idol studios in Hollywood (pics start here)

Christina Hendricks leaving the Trump Soho Hotel in New York (pics start here)

Jessica Alba out and about in Hollywood (pics start here)

Shakira and her boyfriend Gerard Pique arriving to the FC Barcelona players' party in Barcelona (pics start here)

*130 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Eva Longoria at NBC's Upfront Presentation in New York (5/14)

Eva Longoria has a crush on a *gasp* reality star. Yikes. I'd rather tell my parents I was in love with a gay porn star like Mitch Cockthrust than a reality star. From the National Enquirer:

Even though [Eva] now appears to be back with singer Eduardo Cruz, she "fell hard" for Dallas stud Ben Patton after interviewing him for her upcoming NBC dating show, "Ready for Love," says an insider. Eva was spotted kissing him at the L.A. Zoo on April 16, just days before unveiling Ben as one of the three bachelors on the "Today" show.

"Eva first met Ben during the early stages of casting in L.A. back in January, but when they reunited in New York, it was as if they were a couple," said an insider. " They have a lot in common - they're both from Texas, they're close in age, they're hardworking and driven, and they're both gorgeous. Eva was so smitten she told Ben, 'I should just take you for myself, but then I wouldn't have a TV show!'" (Print Edition - 5/21)

Oh boy, the beginning of the end is here for Eva Longoria. The dirt on the Desperate Housewives grave is still fresh, but she's already going down this road? Eva's been a solid C-lister for the entire run of DH, so I don't see the need to jump into reality TV shenanigans (i.e. fucking the help -- let's be honest, that's exactly what she's doing). The only thing real about reality TV are the demons you eventually fight on Celebrity Rehab, THEN YOU DIE. OK, I might have skipped a step or two, but I'm just playing the odds. I don't want that for Eva. I've personally spilled too much seed in her honor and would hate it if her staff finds her at an L.A. hotel face down with her feet sticking out of the tub. I'd probably be upset for at least a day or two, but then I'd move on to plan B and shoot goo to the cast of Modern Family.

*10 Eva Longoria pictures total in the gallery: