Archive: Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria is definitely possibly pregnant

Is Eva Longoria pregnant? Sure, why not. Longoria’s behavior at Yellowtail Sushi Restaurant in Las Vegas over Labor Day weekend definitely confirmed the recent rumors. Maybe. From the New York Daily News:

Eva Longoria Parker added fuel to pregnancy rumors by skipping the silly sauce and raw foods in Vegas on Labor Day. The star instead nibbled edamame and drank water at the opening of Yellowtail Sushi Restaurant and Bar at the Bellagio, and even passed on a round of shots bought by Wilmer Valderama for her table of gal pals. (Source)

Eva Longoria is pregnant? That poor kid’s gonna starve! A baby trying to breast feed from a chick whose chest could be used as a carpenter’s level is a lot like being a fluffer on a porn set: even after you’ve sucked for hours, you still end up empty handed mouthed.

[WENN]

Eva Longoria on the set of Desperate Housewives in Pasadena (8/12)

There’s certainly worse things in this world than kinda seeing Eva Longoria’s nipple. Take pants for example. FUCK YOU PANTS!

[Splash News]

Eva Longoria bikini pics! (Portofino, Italy - 7/10)

We finally have an answer to the age-old question of whether a man lacking testicles can still impregnate a woman. According to Eva Longoria’s stomach, the answer is yes.

NOTE: 17 more Eva Longoria bikini pics on PAGE 2 (CLICK HERE)

CLICK HERE to jump to 17 more Eva Longoria bikini pics on PAGE 2

Eva Longoria bikini pics! (Mexico; 2/16)

I just realized it’s President’s Day and I haven’t made one topical joke today. OK here goes: If Eva lucks out and goes through puberty again, her breasts still wouldn’t be as large as William Howard Taft’s.

CLICK HERE for 15 more pics of Eva Longoria on PAGE 2

Eva Longoria’s new movie, Over Her Dead Body, BOMBED this weekend, pulling in just $4.6 million — good enough for 11th place. Miley Cyrus continues her slow ascent to the top of the Universe, with her new movie taking home the #1 spot on just a fraction of the screens as its competitors. Next career move for Miley? Becoming God. Regarding Longoria’s new movie, Jason Anderson of the Toronto Globe and Mail says:

Few things are more painful to watch than a botched comedy. To see actors flub jokes that weren’t worth telling in the first place, to see them stumble through stock scenes unworthy of the lowliest sitcom, to see them humiliate themselves in gags that grew feeble from overuse even before the age of vaudeville, to see them contend with noisy flatulence and faulty mustard dispensers — really, life is too short. And it’s way, way too short for Over Her Dead Body, a lifeless comedy vehicle for Desperate Housewives star and tabloid favourite Eva Longoria Parker. (Source)

I can’t say I’m too shocked that Over Her Dead Body failed so miserably at the box office this weekend. I don’t have to go to the movies and spend $10 to watch a self-absorbed, pretentious, loudmouth woman prattle on about her problems . . . I could do that for free just by turning on The View or watching a Hillary Clinton speech. Now if the studios really wanted to make some money, they’d have done what we all wanted in the first place: shown us Eva’s dead body.

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria arriving to the Claridge Hotel in London (1/24)

Eva Longoria is not pregnant

You can put the Eva Longoria pregnancy rumors to rest. She’s just fat. The actress told E! News:

“I’m not pregnant now! I’ve just gained weight from being on strike. My publicist sends me a picture, She’s like, ‘So they’re saying you’re pregnant, you have a baby bump.’ I’m like, ‘I just finished eating.’ I had no bump. I just ate pasta and Italian, and my pants were too tight, and I totally have a gut. I really just had a fat day.” (Source)

Of course Eva’s putting on weight — she’s letting herself go because she just got married. It’s a time-tested formula: “I do” followed by “I do want seconds.”

PICS: Eva Longoria shopping in London (1/23)

Sorbet? I’d bet my life on it

Eva Longoria is standing by her husband Tony Parker amidst claims by French model Alexandra Paressant that she had a two month affair with the NBA star. Longoria told People magazine:

“Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband.”

Parker added:

“I love my wife. She’s the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier.” (Source)

Bullshit. Tony cheated. Eva knows it, I know it, and the whole world knows it. Why? Because Tony has a French accent. Chicks can’t help but blow you when you have a French accent. It’s one of nature’s constants.

Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria at the 2007 Bambi Awards in Duesseldorf, Germany (11/29)

Eva Longoria likes wieners

Finally the day we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. Eva Longoria’s beauty secrets have been revealed! The actress tells this Sunday’s issue of Parade magazine:

“I think it’s a combination of a lot of things. I want to look like Demi Moore when I’m 42. It’s obviously emotional health. And it’s obviously your physical health, but there’s a lot of maintenance involved, and I’m not talking about anti-aging. I’m just talking about general health, getting your checkups and getting your blood tests and making sure you get your mammograms.”

“For me, as far as skin, I’m a big advocate of facials. And I moisturize. And I read my magazines. I listen to good advise from people who really know, and I try to watch what I eat. But it’s diet. It’s exercise. It’s maintenance. It’s checkups. It’s attitude. It’s a lot of things. And I think you just need to be aware of what’s going to work for you.” (Source)

Don’t I feel foolish. I’ve been telling anyone who’d listen that Eva’s beauty secrets were heavy foundation, low lighting, and a PR blitz to convince America that an average looking woman is so much more. If the judge ever gives me my binoculars back, I could find 50 chicks at the local high school hotter than her. College. I meant college.