Eric Johnson

Jessica Simpson leaving The Ivy in Santa Monica (2/14)

Something tells me that Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in health class when she was younger. Actually, that's not fair -- Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in any class when she was younger . . . except for gym, and that's only because the teacher liked to watch her run. From E!:

Jessica Simpson has said before that she and fiance Eric Johnson weren't exactly planning for the second child that's now so visibly on the way. But leave it to Ellen DeGeneres to get the details.

"I don't know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window!" Simpson said in an interview [that aired earlier this week] on Ellen, when asked just how her surprise pregnancy came about. "We were definitely extremely shocked."

Yeah, a woman who recently had a baby didn't know that her husband nutting inside of her could possibly lead to pregnancy. Outside of going on a couple dates with Jesus, that's the only way to have a baby, and I'm pretty sure Jessica is not the Virgin Mary. I'll accept that reasoning from young, tight hotties like Selena Gomez or Vanessa Hudgens, but Jessica Simpson is the 32-year-old face of a billion dollar [tacky] fashion empire. The naive hot chick era ended for Jess when Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica was cancelled. She should know by now that the only member of her family who could have unprotected sex with someone and not get them pregnant is her dad Joe, if you catch my drift.

*30 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Eric Johnson and Joe Simpson out for a bike ride in Oahu (1/5)

+ Lindsay Lohan's mom says she was raped [The Superficial]

+ Way too much time on his hands [Guyism]
+ Snooki's classy new tattoo [Celebuzz]
+ Rosario Dawson's topless sunbathing (NSFW) [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Melanie Truxton's is the next great ring girl [Busted Coverage]

+ What a sexy bitch [Dlisted]
+ Sexy nerdy girls [Linkiest]
+ Selena Gomez just farted [Evil Beet]
+ Chicks with sexy eyes. Nice. [Caveman Circus]

BIKINI PICS OF THE DAY: Kim Kardashian's pregnant bikini photoshoot

*25 Joe Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson is pregnant again

Us Weekly says "Christmas is still nearly four weeks away, but Jessica Simpson got her biggest present early: Another baby on the way!" Um, I think they're implying that the present is that she now gets to eat whatever she wants over the holidays. What assholes. From the mag:

"It definitely wasn't planned. But yes, Jessica is pregnant again," a source reveals to Us. The surprise baby-to-be is the second for the singer and Fashion Star mentor, 32, and fiance Eric Johnson ... She really is overjoyed!"

It "definitely" wasn't planned? Wait, so Eric literally jumped out of the bushes one day and forcibly impregnated Jessica on the sidewalk against her will? Are you trying to tell me Eric Johnson is a violent rapist? Or did they just have sex without a condom one night? Which is called "planning."

*5 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson finally had her baby

Jessica Simpson finally had her baby, giving birth to a 9 pound, 13 ounce girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson, this morning in Los Angeles. She announced on her website:

"Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!!"

In completely unrelated news to Jessica Simpson giving birth so don't read anything into this whatsoever, after an unusually strong previous three quarters, Ben & Jerry's stock plummeted 89% today. Taco Bell and Kellogg's (the parent company of Pop-Tarts) also suffered steep losses, down 47% and 39% respectively.

*21 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving Dylan's Candy Shop in New York (12/1)

Jessica Simpson's fiance Eric Johnson is now openly antagonizing her about her weight, even comparing her to Kirste Alley. Hey hey hey, let's not bring Kirstie into this. Eric needs to treat her like Jessica treats exercise. From the National Enquirer:

Baby daddy Eric Johnson, 32, is so concerned he taped a picture of Kirstie at her fattest to their refrigerator to inspire his wife-to-be to watch her weight, revealed a source: "Eric has even called her 'Kirstie 2.0,' but that didn't go over too well. Being pregnant, Jessica's emotions are on a roller coaster, and what she finds funny one minute can make her cry the next ... Eric thinks [Jessica's new deal with Weight Watchers] is a great idea. He believes that if you can lose weight and get paid to do it, it's a win-win situation." (Print Edition - 12/12)

Eric Johnson is an idiot. No, seriously. Eric needs to ease up on the reigns a little bit. Who is he to anything to the breadwinner in the family? Doesn't he know that unemployment runs out after 99 weeks? On the 100th week, the jokes stop and the strap-on comes off of the mantle -- the big one, signed by Tony Romo and Terrell Owens. We'll see who's funny when Jessica rearranges his sphincter angles.

*16 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving her hotel in Manhattan (10/25)

The reason you haven't seen a flashy People cover announcing Jessica Simpson's pregnancy is because, well, no one really cares. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Jessica Simpson reportedly is telling friends and close associates she has been “stunned” by the relative lack of interest the celebrity magazines have in her increasingly obvious pregnancy. First of all, since it seems clear the actress and singer is expecting, no major publication has any plans to pay Simpson anything near the $500,000 she was asking for the “exclusive” story.

“It also doesn’t help that the baby’s father is her fiance [former NFL player Eric Johnson], a guy nobody really cares about either,” said a top New York magazine exec.

Newsflash Jessica. No one is paying for stories about your pregnancy because no one's been able to tell the difference. Pregnancies are supposed to last nine months, not nine years. Besides, if Jessica really wants to generate attention about this pregnancy, she needs to stop trying to focus everyone's attention on her belly and start getting people to notice her tits -- which shouldn't be too difficult since those sweater puppies are about to turn into sweater Marmadukes.

*25 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson arriving at LAX (10/10)

Jessica Simpson hasn't even confirmed that she's pregnant yet, but In Touch Weekly somehow already knows that she's having a girl. That's some crazy shit. They should play the lottery.

The moment Jessica Simpson discovered she was pregnant was one of the happiest of her life. But nothing could compare to Jessica’s joy after finding out that she and fiancé Eric Johnson are going to be parents to a beautiful baby girl.

"She’s telling people it’s like winning the lottery, twice,” a friend tells In Touch exclusively. “She and Eric are both so happy."

"He’s telling pals that his daughter will be a daddy’s girl," the friend says, revealing that Eric has already ordered pink bubblegum cigars to hand out when the baby arrives.

Sorry Jessica, you already "won the lottery, twice": it's called your left boob and your right boob. As a matter of fact, it's the kid that's actually the big winner here since it's going to be eating like a king. The reality is that Jessica's probably going to have such a hard time weening her daughter off of boobs, she'll wind up becoming a lesbian -- which is obviously not a big deal. As long as she's not ugly. *ew* That's just gross.

*8 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson's wedding is off

Last month a source told Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson and fiancé Eric Johnson were postponing their wedding ("Everything is up in the air"). Apparently "postpone" has been upgraded to "cancel." A family insider told the National Enquirer:

"This should be the happiest, most joyous time of Jessica's life, but instead she's miserable. She and Eric are just not happy together, and they've agreed to put off their wedding. Eric's feeling like an outcast with Jessica, and her family fears he's using her as a meal ticket. Jessica's parents, Tina and Joe, are worried she'll wind up like her younger sister Ashlee -- a single mom raising a child in a broken home.

"Jessica cries at the drop of a hat, and when he tries to soothe her, she pushes him away and says she doesn't want to be touched. They've been putting on a brave face in public, but the relationship is falling apart." (Print Edition - 10/17)

It sounds like Eric may have finally come to grips with the famous words once spoken by the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius: "胖女孩都喜歡輕便摩托車。他們乘坐的樂趣，但你不希望你的朋友看到你" ("Fat girls are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one") . . . or maybe it was Plato that said that. Either way, one thing's for certain: If Jessica's family think Eric's using their relationship as a "meal ticket," Jessica's apparently using it as an "all-you-can-eat buffet."

*11 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson is eating for two

Life & Style is just the latest outlet to claim that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. The latest news is that Jessica was seen "eating for two" at BJ's restaurant in Century City on Sunday. So, um, I guess that means she's been pregnant for the last four years. From the mag:

After watching Jessica wolf down chicken-fried steak (which is 2,084 calories, according to the restaurant's menu), a pizza and a "pizookie" (a big chocolate-chip-cookie dessert clocking in at 887 calories) at BJ's Restaurant and Brewhouse in Century City, the onlooker admits she could draw only one conclusion.

"She ordered a ton of food. She has to be pregnant," said the onlooker, adding, "She didn't have any alcohol to drink, either. There looked to be a cocktail on the table, but I didn't see her drink it. She was sipping a Perrier and nibbling off her fiancé’s plate — the cocktail was obviously Eric’s."

Is counting someone's calorie intake really the best way to determine if they're pregnant or not? If it were, you'd guess that Michael Moore's spent more time over the past 20 years being pregnant than Michelle Duggar. No, the fact that Jessica's eating so much doesn't mean that she's pregnant -- it means that it's lunchtime. Sadly, if Jessica doesn't stop stuffing her face, that baby will be so huge that she won't need an episiotomy -- she'll need the jaws of life.

*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson leaving the Greek Theater in Hollywood (8/15)

In the wake of those pregnancy rumors that came out earlier this week, Jessica Simpson is postponing her wedding to Eric Johnson. Uh oh. This will not end well. A source told Us Weekly:

"Everything is up in the air. [Jessica] can't figure out what kind of day she wants. Some days she wants a big wedding in Hawaii, then other days she wants something closer to home."

Awesome. A schizophrenic whose hobbies include binge eating and being confused a lot. If I was Eric, I would drop everything and go to Vegas right now and get married before someone else swoops in and steals her.

*10 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery: