Eric Johnson

Jessica Simpson finally had her baby

Jessica Simpson finally had her baby, giving birth to a 9 pound, 13 ounce girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson, this morning in Los Angeles. She announced on her website:

"Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!!"

In completely unrelated news to Jessica Simpson giving birth so don't read anything into this whatsoever, after an unusually strong previous three quarters, Ben & Jerry's stock plummeted 89% today. Taco Bell and Kellogg's (the parent company of Pop-Tarts) also suffered steep losses, down 47% and 39% respectively.

*21 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving Dylan's Candy Shop in New York (12/1)

Jessica Simpson's fiance Eric Johnson is now openly antagonizing her about her weight, even comparing her to Kirste Alley. Hey hey hey, let's not bring Kirstie into this. Eric needs to treat her like Jessica treats exercise. From the National Enquirer:

Baby daddy Eric Johnson, 32, is so concerned he taped a picture of Kirstie at her fattest to their refrigerator to inspire his wife-to-be to watch her weight, revealed a source: "Eric has even called her 'Kirstie 2.0,' but that didn't go over too well. Being pregnant, Jessica's emotions are on a roller coaster, and what she finds funny one minute can make her cry the next ... Eric thinks [Jessica's new deal with Weight Watchers] is a great idea. He believes that if you can lose weight and get paid to do it, it's a win-win situation." (Print Edition - 12/12)

Eric Johnson is an idiot. No, seriously. Eric needs to ease up on the reigns a little bit. Who is he to anything to the breadwinner in the family? Doesn't he know that unemployment runs out after 99 weeks? On the 100th week, the jokes stop and the strap-on comes off of the mantle -- the big one, signed by Tony Romo and Terrell Owens. We'll see who's funny when Jessica rearranges his sphincter angles.

*16 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving her hotel in Manhattan (10/25)

The reason you haven't seen a flashy People cover announcing Jessica Simpson's pregnancy is because, well, no one really cares. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Jessica Simpson reportedly is telling friends and close associates she has been “stunned” by the relative lack of interest the celebrity magazines have in her increasingly obvious pregnancy. First of all, since it seems clear the actress and singer is expecting, no major publication has any plans to pay Simpson anything near the $500,000 she was asking for the “exclusive” story.

“It also doesn’t help that the baby’s father is her fiance [former NFL player Eric Johnson], a guy nobody really cares about either,” said a top New York magazine exec.

Newsflash Jessica. No one is paying for stories about your pregnancy because no one's been able to tell the difference. Pregnancies are supposed to last nine months, not nine years. Besides, if Jessica really wants to generate attention about this pregnancy, she needs to stop trying to focus everyone's attention on her belly and start getting people to notice her tits -- which shouldn't be too difficult since those sweater puppies are about to turn into sweater Marmadukes.

*25 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson arriving at LAX (10/10)

Jessica Simpson hasn't even confirmed that she's pregnant yet, but In Touch Weekly somehow already knows that she's having a girl. That's some crazy shit. They should play the lottery.

The moment Jessica Simpson discovered she was pregnant was one of the happiest of her life. But nothing could compare to Jessica’s joy after finding out that she and fiancé Eric Johnson are going to be parents to a beautiful baby girl.

"She’s telling people it’s like winning the lottery, twice,” a friend tells In Touch exclusively. “She and Eric are both so happy."

"He’s telling pals that his daughter will be a daddy’s girl," the friend says, revealing that Eric has already ordered pink bubblegum cigars to hand out when the baby arrives.

Sorry Jessica, you already "won the lottery, twice": it's called your left boob and your right boob. As a matter of fact, it's the kid that's actually the big winner here since it's going to be eating like a king. The reality is that Jessica's probably going to have such a hard time weening her daughter off of boobs, she'll wind up becoming a lesbian -- which is obviously not a big deal. As long as she's not ugly. *ew* That's just gross.

*8 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson's wedding is off

Last month a source told Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson and fiancé Eric Johnson were postponing their wedding ("Everything is up in the air"). Apparently "postpone" has been upgraded to "cancel." A family insider told the National Enquirer:

"This should be the happiest, most joyous time of Jessica's life, but instead she's miserable. She and Eric are just not happy together, and they've agreed to put off their wedding. Eric's feeling like an outcast with Jessica, and her family fears he's using her as a meal ticket. Jessica's parents, Tina and Joe, are worried she'll wind up like her younger sister Ashlee -- a single mom raising a child in a broken home.

"Jessica cries at the drop of a hat, and when he tries to soothe her, she pushes him away and says she doesn't want to be touched. They've been putting on a brave face in public, but the relationship is falling apart." (Print Edition - 10/17)

It sounds like Eric may have finally come to grips with the famous words once spoken by the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius: "胖女孩都喜歡輕便摩托車。他們乘坐的樂趣，但你不希望你的朋友看到你" ("Fat girls are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one") . . . or maybe it was Plato that said that. Either way, one thing's for certain: If Jessica's family think Eric's using their relationship as a "meal ticket," Jessica's apparently using it as an "all-you-can-eat buffet."

*11 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson is eating for two

Life & Style is just the latest outlet to claim that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. The latest news is that Jessica was seen "eating for two" at BJ's restaurant in Century City on Sunday. So, um, I guess that means she's been pregnant for the last four years. From the mag:

After watching Jessica wolf down chicken-fried steak (which is 2,084 calories, according to the restaurant's menu), a pizza and a "pizookie" (a big chocolate-chip-cookie dessert clocking in at 887 calories) at BJ's Restaurant and Brewhouse in Century City, the onlooker admits she could draw only one conclusion.

"She ordered a ton of food. She has to be pregnant," said the onlooker, adding, "She didn't have any alcohol to drink, either. There looked to be a cocktail on the table, but I didn't see her drink it. She was sipping a Perrier and nibbling off her fiancé’s plate — the cocktail was obviously Eric’s."

Is counting someone's calorie intake really the best way to determine if they're pregnant or not? If it were, you'd guess that Michael Moore's spent more time over the past 20 years being pregnant than Michelle Duggar. No, the fact that Jessica's eating so much doesn't mean that she's pregnant -- it means that it's lunchtime. Sadly, if Jessica doesn't stop stuffing her face, that baby will be so huge that she won't need an episiotomy -- she'll need the jaws of life.

*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson leaving the Greek Theater in Hollywood (8/15)

In the wake of those pregnancy rumors that came out earlier this week, Jessica Simpson is postponing her wedding to Eric Johnson. Uh oh. This will not end well. A source told Us Weekly:

"Everything is up in the air. [Jessica] can't figure out what kind of day she wants. Some days she wants a big wedding in Hawaii, then other days she wants something closer to home."

Awesome. A schizophrenic whose hobbies include binge eating and being confused a lot. If I was Eric, I would drop everything and go to Vegas right now and get married before someone else swoops in and steals her.

*10 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson leaving Mastro's steakhouse in Beverly Hills (9/13)

According to In Touch Weekly, the "Is she? Isn't she?" speculation that none of us have been speculating about is over! Yes! Wait a minute . . . what are we supposed to be speculating about again?

In Touch Weekly can exclusively confirm Jessica Simpson is pregnant! The 31-year-old singer recently attended the 32nd birthday party of her fiancé, Eric Johnson, where she sent back her glass of champagne for a birthday toast. As it turns out, the pair has something even better to celebrate. A source close to Jessica and Eric tells In Touch the couple is expecting their first child. “She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.

Is Jessica Simpson liking nacho chips dipped in chocolate really the best evidence that she's pregnant? To me, that's just evidence that she's Jessica Simpson. It's rare for her to leave the house without a bag of nacho chips dipped in chocolate in her purse. Call me when she has a really weird craving like rice cakes or low-fat ice cream.

*11 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Eric Johnson and Jessica Simpson out and about in Century City (8/16)

Jessica Simpson is so stressed out by her upcoming wedding that she's on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Uh oh, you know what stress means: stress eating. Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn. A friend told the National Enquirer:

"Jessica can't even make the simplest decisions like what perfume she'll wear because she is terrified of being scrutinized," said the friend.

And she's having problems with her fiance, added the insider. If Eric starts asking too many questions, "Jessica bites his head off," explained the source. "She's also argued with him about his desire to serve only vegan food, including a vegan wedding cake. She knows she's being a real-life 'Bridezilla,' but can't help herself. It's caused her to have frequent breakouts on her face, and she's turning to food comfort." (Print Edition - 9/19)

Jessica's so stressed out about her wedding that she's turning to "comfort food"? I sure hope she finds a circus tent big enough to wear on her wedding day. And are we really supposed to be surprised that Jessica can't make "the simplest decisions"? During a wedding, the minister only asks the bride and groom one question, and I'm pretty sure Jessica will fuck that up somehow. "Uhhh, ya'all want me to take him where now?"

*23 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson leaving the Crosby Hotel in Manhattan (6/3)

Jessica Simpson had the nerve to put a "no cheating" clause in her prenup with Eric Johnson. How unfair! How the hell is he supposed to get laid! From In Touch Weekly:

With celebrity couples breaking up left and right — not to mention her own split from Nick Lachey in 2005 — it’s no surprise Jessica Simpson is having fiancé Eric Johnson sign a prenuptial agreement before their November 11 wedding.

But with her billion-dollar empire at stake, Jessica, 30, isn’t taking any chances, and has put a strict no-cheating clause in hers. "Jessica's biggest fear is that Eric will stray, so she insisted on that specific clause in her prenup," a friend reveals.

This should put a stop to all those dumb blonde jokes, right? "She's being fair with Eric in case things don't work out, but he won't get anything if he cheats."

Wait a second, Jessica Simpson's actually doing something that's rational and prudent? What kind of bizarro world did I wake up into? Next we'll be reading about cats hanging out with dogs and Kirstie Alley hanging out at Fresh Choice. Or, perhaps Jessica just learned an important lesson from her last failed marriage -- prenups can be a lot less expensive than settlements comfort foods.

*15 Jessica Simpson pictures total in the gallery: