Archive: Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi to marry this weekend

Shortly after the California Supreme Court overturned the state’s ban on gay marriage in mid-May, Ellen Degeneres announced on her show that she’d be marrying her long time partner Portia de Rossi. According to Us Weekly, the wedding’s going down this weekend in California . . . heh heh heh, I bet that’s not the only thing going down this weekend. Ellen recently said on her show:

“Planning a wedding is very stressful. It’s crazy. My gardener is now invited.” (Source)

Why is it so crazy that your gardener is invited Ellen? It’s because he’s Mexican, isn’t it? You’re afraid of having minorities at your wedding. That’s it, I’m deleting all my TiVo recordings of The Ellen Degeneres Show.* You brought this upon yourself, you white devil.

*except that one episode with the Jonas Brothers *swoon*

[INFDaily.com]

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi making out in Sardinia, Italy (7/4)

Confirming years of suspicion that the two were more than just “friends,” Ellen Degeneres was spotted kissing Portia de Rossi in Italy on Friday. What? Everyone already knew they were lesbians? Fuck. I swear I’m always the last to find out.

[INFDaily.com]

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Ellen Degeneres is getting married

Following yesterday’s landmark California Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage, Ellen Degeneres announced on her show (airing today) that she’s marrying her partner Portia de Rossi. A spy in the audience told TMZ:

. . . after Ellen mentioned today’s California Supreme Court ruling striking down the state’s ban on gay marriage, she surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with longtime girlfriend, actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O. (Source)

Degeneres told The Advocate:

I’m thrilled that the California supreme court overturned the ban on gay marriage. I can’t wait to get married. We all deserve the same rights, and I believe that someday we’ll look back on this and not allowing gays to marry will seem as absurd as not allowing women to vote.

P.S. I’m registered at Crate & Barrel. (Source)

Yep, just as I suspected. This whole thing’s a scam perpetrated by Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn shareholders. Gay marriage isn’t about equal rights, it’s about getting free shit. Besides Ellen Degeneres is ugly. Ugly people shouldn’t get married. They should hide.

FlynetOnline

Don’t tell anyone I told you this but I think these chicks may be lesbians…

Charlie Sheen is such a heavy smoker that he’s been nicknamed “The Chimney” by friends. Friend and ex-smoker Ellen DeGeneres has urged Sheen to visit the same hypnotist that helped her kick the habit. Though Charlie was hesitant at first, according to Mike Walker of the National Enquirer, he’s becoming more open to the idea.

“[Sheen] received complimentary certificates for several hypnotherapy sessions - along with a note from Ellen that read, ‘You should do this for your kids.’ Here’s the surprise: Mr. Macho says he’ll try the trance route. Stay tuned.”

If hypnosis can help someone kick cigarettes, maybe it can help me…I have this bad habit of yelling racial slurs at my butler any time my custom Italian suits aren’t perfectly pressed. What really sucks is he’s a white guy. You know how hard it is to come up with a good racial slur for a white guy? “Cracker” is so played out. You don’t want to know how much sleep I’ve lost thinking about this. Someone help me out here.

On Friday Ellen DeGeneres was named as the host of the upcoming 79th Academy Awards.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has tapped car-crash survivor Ellen DeGeneres to host the 79th Annual Academy Awards telecast, airing Feb. 25. Per Variety, DeGeneres, who hosted the twice-postponed, post-9/11 Emmys, responded to the news by saying, “There are so many awards shows, but the Oscars are still the epitome. Every year I hope to do it. Thank god they asked me!” Might Ellen usher in a kinder, gentler kudoscast? Calling so much of today’s humor “cynical and aggressive, and audiences are so jaded,” she says, “I’m hoping to get rid of that.” Phooey. Will Pirates of the Caribbean be on the other channel?

During the press conference Ellen said this was going to be the “lesbianist” Oscars ever. I’m not really sure what that means but if it involves orphans juggling daggers and bears dancing around wearing huge diapers, you better believe I’m watching that shit. The fact that Ellen’s name is preceded by the phrase “car crash survivor” just seals the deal.