Buddy Valastro in court yesterday

The star of the hit TLC show Cake Boss, Buddy Valastro, was arrested for DUI in New York early yesterday morning. And realizing that he's the star of a cable reality show and compounding his mistake would just make things worse and could possibly threaten his career, he took his arrest with quiet dignity. Oh no, wait, that's not what happened at all. From the New York Daily News:
Valastro tried to pull rank when police nailed him  for drunken driving in Hell's Kitchen, a prosecutor revealed Thursday.

"You can't arrest me," he told cops. "I'm the Cake Boss. Is there anything we can do? I'm a good guy. You don't have to arrest me."

The cops didn't buy it. And on Thursday, a sullen-looking Valastro, dressed in dark blue jeans and a charcoal blazer, was released after a night in jail -- and after he was arraigned on charges of driving while intoxicated and driving while ability impaired.
"You can't arrest me -- I'm the Cake Boss" might be the least impressive thing someone has ever claimed to try and get out of an arrest. He might as well have told them he worked at Walmart. "The 12-8 shift. I ring up hundreds of items a day!"

*5 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Cake Boss DUI 1
  • Cake Boss DUI 2
  • Cake Boss DUI 3
  • Cake Boss DUI 4
  • Cake Boss DUI 5

Amanda Bynes in Thousand Oaks (3/2)

Amanda Bynes should really not be driving. She was arrested for DUI again after being pulled over in the San Fernando Valley on Sunday. TMZ says she was hopped up on Adderall because she has a hard time concentrating when she does her homework. Wait, that doesn't sound right . . .
We've learned the Adderall was prescribed by a doctor and she had taken the drug before getting stopped in Van Nuys Sunday and failing multiple field sobriety tests. She was arrested for DUI.
First off, whatever doctor prescribed Amanda Bynes Adderall should be forced to sit in her passenger seat and be driven around by her all day. And then sodomized and shot. I tend to take things too far.
The deeper problem is this ... As TMZ first reported, Amanda has moved out of her parents house and is now living in Orange County. We're told she's smoking a lot of weed and is off her anti-psychotic meds for Schizophrenia and bipolarity.
Orange County . . . weed . . . meds . . . bipolarity . . . it sounds like the season premiere of Real Housewives.
Amanda's conservatorship ended earlier this month and we're told her parents saw no need to extend it because they believe she's better now, but everyone else in her life feels it was a horrible mistake to let the conservatorship lapse and they fear for Amanda.
I'd like "I Done Fucked Up as a Parent" for $1000, Alex.

*15 Amanda Bynes pictures total in the gallery:

  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 1
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 2
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 3
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 4
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 5
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 6
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 7
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 8
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 9
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 10
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 11
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 12
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 13
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 14
  • Amanda Bynes Another DUI 15

Chris Kattan arrested for DUI

Chris Kattan was arrested on suspicion of DUI this morning after he hit a Caltrans vehicle on the 101 Freeway in L.A. Yup. That's generally frowned upon. From KTLA:
Officers responded after a woman called 911 to report a Mercedes-Benz was weaving and driving at a slow rate of speed, the CHP said. Kattan eventually approached the road closure, crossed a cone pattern and struck the Caltrans vehicle from behind, according to the CHP. No one was hurt, and officials said the star exited the vehicle on his own.
Normally this is the part of the story where I make a joke about these things that exist called taxis, but this is Chris Kattan we're talking about here. Taxis are expensive. Sometimes you just gotta chance it.

*5 Chris Kattan pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Kattan DUI 1
  • Chris Kattan DUI 2
  • Chris Kattan DUI 3
  • Chris Kattan DUI 4
  • Chris Kattan DUI 5

Justin Bieber drunk driving last night in Miami

Oh yes. A million times yes. Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI, resisting arrest, drag racing, and driving on a suspended license last night in Miami. Wait, you can't drunkenly race a Lamborghini in a crowded area? What could possibly go wrong? From TMZ:
According to the police report, cops approached Bieber's car and the instantly realized he reeked of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes.  He had a "stupor" look on his face. The police report says Bieber was defiant from the get go, yelling at the cops, "Why the fuck are you doing this?"  He also yelled, "What the fuck did I do? Why did you stop me?"

When the officer tried to perform a routine pat down, Bieber said, "I ain't got no fucking weapons, why do you have to search me? What the fuck is this about?"

Now the basis for the resisting arrest charge -- Before the pat down, as Bieber got out of the car, he "kept going into his pants pocket." The cop ordered him to put his hands on the vehicle, and Bieber initially complied but soon took his hands off the car, turned and then cussed out the cop.
Oh my god, as a cop, could you imagine Justin Bieber cussing you out on the side of the road? I wouldn't know whether to laugh or punch him in the throat. He might as well just hit you with a pillow. I wonder if his voice cracked when he was dropping these f bombs? "God dammit, puberty!"

The Miami Herald adds:
The musician's entourage had apparently used their cars to block traffic on Pine Tree Drive at 26th Street, a residential area, at 4:30 a.m., creating a drag strip for the young star, who had been on a party spree in South Florida.
I think I see what's going on here. Justin Bieber's angling for the Paul Walker role in the new Fast and Furious film. "I live my life a quarter mile at a time, eh."

*25 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

  • Justin Bieber DUI 1
  • Justin Bieber DUI 2
  • Justin Bieber DUI 3
  • Justin Bieber DUI 4
  • Justin Bieber DUI 5
  • Justin Bieber DUI 6
  • Justin Bieber DUI 7
  • Justin Bieber DUI 8
  • Justin Bieber DUI 9
  • Justin Bieber DUI 10
  • Justin Bieber DUI 11
  • Justin Bieber DUI 12
  • Justin Bieber DUI 13
  • Justin Bieber DUI 14
  • Justin Bieber DUI 15
  • Justin Bieber DUI 16
  • Justin Bieber DUI 17
  • Justin Bieber DUI 18
  • Justin Bieber DUI 19
  • Justin Bieber DUI 20
  • Justin Bieber DUI 21
  • Justin Bieber DUI 22
  • Justin Bieber DUI 23
  • Justin Bieber DUI 24
  • Justin Bieber DUI 25
Dina Lohan arrested for DUI

A Lohan is under arrest for DUI, and all is right with the world again. Surprisingly, it's not Lindsay this time. It's her mom Dina, who got busted in New York last night, the only state in America that outlaws taxis. Wait, that doesn't sound right . . . From TMZ:
During the stop, cops say she appeared intoxicated -- and tested her blood alcohol level, which registered at .20 -- more than twice the legal limit of .08.

According to officials, "Lohan made an allegation that she was injured during the course of the arrest" ... but when medical personnel responded to the scene and determined she was fine, Dina "recanted her claim."

Lohan was hauled to a nearby station where she was booked on two counts of driving while intoxicated and one count of speeding.
.20? That ain't shit. You know what Dina calls a .20? A Thursday afternoon. You should see her on a Saturday night. The Captain Morgan pirate tried to keep up with her a few Saturdays ago at a bar in New Jersey. Couldn't do it. Passed the fuck out and then Dina raped the shit out of him and stole all of his treasure. What goes around comes around.

Lamar Odom arrested for DUI

Lamar Odom was arrested for DUI at 3:54 this morning after weaving down the 101 freeway at 50 MPH (the fastest anyone has ever gone on the 101). According to TMZ, Lamar failed "numerous" field sobriety tests and was probably under the influence of more than just alcohol:
Deputies at the scene smelled alcohol on Lamar and believe he was under the influence of both drugs and alcohol. The sources say Lamar's driving and conduct were consistent with drugs. We're told there were no drugs or alcohol found in Lamar's car ... only cigarettes, 2 bottles of cologne and other innocuous items.
No matter how you feel about the Kardashians, this downward spiral is a pretty sad situation for Lamar and Khloe. I'm just glad other members of the family have somehow summoned the strength to remain positive during this trying time. "Lamar got a DUI? We have our season finale!!!!" - Kris Jenner upon hearing the news this morning.

Thomas Gibson at the CBS 2012 Fall Premiere Party at Greystone Manor in West Hollywood (9/18)

Thomas Gibson, who stars on the CBS show Criminal Minds, was arrested for DUI over the weekend in L.A. Did he take a pay cut or something? Weird that he can't afford a cab . . . From TMZ:
Cops believe an intoxicated Gibson tried to drive his Audi SUV through a part of downtown L.A. that had been sectioned off for a nighttime half-marathon around 1 AM on Sunday morning. The footage begins with Gibson standing next to his car speaking with police ... when a bike cop arrives to the scene and screams for the actor to, "Get on the ground, NOW!"

At that point, all of the officers on scene rush toward Gibson and manhandle him to the ground as he yells, "Why?! Why!?" While Gibson is on the ground, he can be heard telling the cops, "I am NOT resisting ... I am NOT resisting!"
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I was driving home at 1 AM and got trapped in the middle of a marath-- the fuck?!? Why is there a god damn marathon in the middle of L.A. at 1 AM? That's drinkin' time. Make no mistake, if you were running a marathon at 1 AM and got hit by Thomas Gibson in an Audi, I would not shed a tear. In fact, I'd picket your funeral like those knuckle draggers at the Westboro Baptist Church. Turns out GOD HATES FAGS and PEOPLE WHO RUN MARATHONS AT 1 AM.

*10 Thomas Gibson pictures total in the gallery:

  • Thomas Gibson DUI 1
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 2
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 3
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 4
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 5
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 6
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 7
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 8
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 9
  • Thomas Gibson DUI 10

Joe Simpson is under arrest

Jessica Simpson's creepy old dad Joe was arrested for DUI last week in Sherman Oaks. There must have been a strike by cabbies or something. From TMZ:
We're told LAPD cops pulled Joe's car over around 10 PM ... and during the stop, officers got the feeling he was intoxicated and ultimately cuffed the famous pop and took him to the pokey. Joe was booked and spent the rest of the night behind bars. He was released without having to post bail at 9:41 the following day.

The case has not been sent over to prosecutors in the L.A. City Attorney's Office yet, but if criminal charges are filed, it's likely Joe will not get any jail time since it's his first offense.  He'll probably end up with a big fat fine -- something his daughter will have no problem paying.
Everyone who thought that the first time Joe Simpson would be arrested, it would be for DUI and not for a peephole he drilled in Jessica's bathroom, raise your hand . . . *looks around, sees no hands raised*

*10 Joe Simpson pictures total in the gallery:

  • Joe Simpson DUI 1
  • Joe Simpson DUI 2
  • Joe Simpson DUI 3
  • Joe Simpson DUI 4
  • Joe Simpson DUI 5
  • Joe Simpson DUI 6
  • Joe Simpson DUI 7
  • Joe Simpson DUI 8
  • Joe Simpson DUI 9
  • Joe Simpson DUI 10
Randy Travis' mug shot

Country singer Randy Travis was arrested last night for DUI in Texas after crashing into several barricades in a construction zone and then somehow ending up naked lying on the side of the road. It's not quite clear how he progressed from Point A to B on that one. From TMZ:
The Grayson County Sheriff's Office tells us officers received a call at 11:18 PM from a person who stated there was a man lying in the roadway.  When cops arrived to the scene, they noticed Travis' 1998 Pontiac Trans Am had driven off the road and slammed into several barricades in a construction zone.

Travis was initially arrested for DWI -- but once he was inside the cop car, officials say the singer threatened to "shoot and kill the Troopers working the case." As we previously reported, Travis was NAKED and rode bareback while he was being transported to the station.
DUI? Yeah, sure. Sounds like a very convenient excuse to arrest a guy that you're too afraid to race. Pussies. Randy and his '98 Trans Am will smoke your bitch asses.

Matthew Fox leaving his hotel in New York (4/26)

I didn't touch on this yesterday, but former Lost star Matthew Fox was arrested for DUI in Bend, Oregon on Friday. He was pulled over and arrested after an officer noticed him weaving in and out of a lane and failing to signal properly. He actually was going to take a cab home, but ultimately decided not to because he's a fucking idiot. Yup, that'll burn you every time.

*15 Matthew Fox pictures total in the gallery:

  • Matthew Fox DUI 1
  • Matthew Fox DUI 2
  • Matthew Fox DUI 3
  • Matthew Fox DUI 4
  • Matthew Fox DUI 5
  • Matthew Fox DUI 6
  • Matthew Fox DUI 7
  • Matthew Fox DUI 8
  • Matthew Fox DUI 9
  • Matthew Fox DUI 10
  • Matthew Fox DUI 11
  • Matthew Fox DUI 12
  • Matthew Fox DUI 13
  • Matthew Fox DUI 14
  • Matthew Fox DUI 15

Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: