Dina Lohan

Lindsay Lohan at the MTV Movie Awards in L.A. (6/6)

You knew it was only a matter of time until some ridiculous excuse was made as to why Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM ankle monitor detected alcohol in her system on Sunday night. I just thought Lindsay would be the one making the excuse, not her mom. Dina told the New York Post:

"[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine."

I really wish bad parenting was a crime because Dina Lohan would be charged with, like, 7 felonies for that quote. Nevermind that the monitor detected 5 violations. Nevermind that Lindsay was wearing these boots when the monitor detected those 5 violations. In Dina's fantasy world, Lindsay took her boots off in the middle of a nightclub -- because why wouldn't you take your boots off in the middle of a nightclub? -- and at that exact moment, someone spilled a drink right onto her ankle monitor. And that happened 5 times. Honestly, if I was the judge in this case, I would just throw Dina in an old abandoned well and leave her.

*20 pics total in the gallery: 

Dina Lohan hearts coke

At least something's going right in Lindsay Lohan's life right now: Someone kinda famous wants to have sex with her mom! Cool! From the National Enquirer:

"Kick-Ass" star Christopher Mintz-Plasse was on a mission when he showed up at one of Lindsay Lohan's hangouts, The Hollywood hotspot Trousdale on May 4. The actor -- best known as high school nerd Fogell "McLovin" in "Superbad" -- joked with a pal that he desperately wants to meet Lindsay's mom, Dina: "Who needs Lindsay... I think Dina's the hot one!" Neither mother nor daughter made an appearance on this night. (Print Edition - 5/10)

The sad thing is that Dina Lohan is probably so desperate for attention that she actually would bang McLovin. If he did nail her, it'd be just like that one scene in American Pie where the kid sleeps with Stifler's mom. Except instead of bragging about it the next day to all of the other kids at school, McLovin would be at the free clinic trying to explain why his dick looked like a science experiment gone wrong. Don't go there dude, don't go there.

*28 pics total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan and her mom Dina leaving a lawyer's office in Venice (5/4)

Now she only owes her creditors $590,000. Everything's coming up Lindsay! From the New York Post:

Lindsay Lohan [made] a quick buck over the weekend. On Friday, Lohan and her mother, Dina, taped a Mother's Day-themed segment for "Entertainment Tonight." Sources said the show paid Lindsay $10,000 for the interview, but a rep for ET said, "We didn't pay her a dime."

Great idea for Mother's Day -- show trainwreck Lindsay and her enabler Mom together. Who wouldn't want to emulate this mother/daughter combo? Sane people, that's who. Perhaps if Entertainment Tonight was filming a PSA about the dangers of exploiting your children for fame, profit, and access to the VIP area at nightclubs, then yeah, I could see putting these two together for a segment.

*33 pics total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan is a monster

"Awesome" if you're a 23-year-old complete and total fuck-up, that is. That's Dina Lohan leaving the Chateau Marmont at 2:30 AM today. You know who was also at the Chateau Marmont last night? Her daughter Lindsay. She was drinking with her alcoholic daughter until 2:30 AM. When asked by a paparazzo if she was acting irresponsibly as a mother, Dina responded, "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah, Lindsay!"

*7 pics total in the gallery:

The Lindsay Lohan lawsuit is really happening

So apparently this Lindsay Lohan E-Trade lawsuit really is going forward (I thought it might have been the acid playing tricks on my mind yesterday). After the commercial aired during the Super Bowl, according to her mom Dina, Lindsay began sobbing uncontrollably. Wait a minute, that sounds like one of her good days. Dina told the New York Post:

"She said, 'Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?'" Dina Lohan said of a tearful phone call with her 23-year-old daughter after the big game.

Lohan filed a lawsuit in Nassau County on Monday seeking an eye-popping $100 million in damages for her pain and suffering.

"I'm just basically glad I took a stand. I'm not going to let them do this to us anymore," Dina Lohan said of the "horrible" and "mean" ad.

She said that the ad was clearly aimed at her daughter because unlike other stars, her daughter's first name is synonymous with the "Herbie Fully Loaded" actress.

"Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna," Dina Lohan said. But Grey Group, which produced the ad, insists that -- unlike Oprah or Cher -- Lindsay is a popular baby name. In fact, company spokesman Chris Brown said that someone working on the spot shared the name as well.

If this story doesn't give you an idea of the retarded mind of celebrities and their inflated sense of self-importance, then I don't know what does. To recap, E-Trade is airing a commerical with a baby named Lindsay in it. There, that's Lindsay Lohan's entire case. Her lawyer must have thought he was on an episode of Punk'd when she showed up to his office with her strategy for the case mapped out in crayon. "First you're gonna play a YouTube clip of the commercial, point to me, and then point back to the commerical. And then we win $100 million!" Lindsay will be lucky if the judge doesn't throw this case out within 10 seconds of hearing it. Hell, she'll be lucky if the judge doesn't tar and feather her ass for being so dumb. My prediction: The case gets thrown out and Lindsay's lawyer is sanctioned by the Bar for "taking advantage of the retarded."

Lindsay Lohan at the 3rd Annual Art Of Elysium Heaven Gala (1/16)

Sparking fears that she's cutting again, Lindsay Lohan was seen with a fresh cut on her arm Saturday night at the Art of Elysium Heaven Gala in West Hollywood. Lindsay's mom Dina also happened to be at the event and when asked about the fresh cut on her daughter's arm, Dina said . . . aw dammit, she's hitting on the bartender again. Dina no! Bad Dina! From RadarOnline:

It was hard not to notice the fresh cut on Lindsay's arm as she headed into a pre-party for the Golden Globe Awards with her mom, Dina Lohan, at L.A.'s Chateau Marmont on Saturday night.

Now, a source tells RadarOnline.com exclusively that the photos are evidence of a girl still in desperate need of help.

"Why is Dina out partying with Lindsay when it's clear she's still cutting herself?" Lindsay's friend said. "Dina should be getting Lindsay help, not following her to parties."

On Sunday, Lindsay and Dina attended the Golden Globes after party held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills.

If Dina didn't intervene in Lindsay's life when she drove drunk, was caught with drugs, stopped working, dated a woman, smuggled enriched uranium into Iran, began cutting herself, flashed her genitals, and wrote a nasty email to a certain celebrity blogger, why would she get involved now? The fact that Dina's even spending time with her daughter should be considered a huge accomplishment for her. Congratulations Dina, your parenting skills are now roughly equivalent to that of a broken water heater.

Dina Lohan hearts powdery white substances

Church boutique held a private party last night in West Hollywood and, of course, Lindsay Lohan was there. She's like a bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out parties. Lindsay's little sister Ali and mom Dina also attended, because why wouldn't you want to party with your daughters, one a self-destructive alcoholic and the other underage? As Dina was leaving, she was seen with a strange white powdery substance all over her leggings. I knew it! When Lindsay and her locked themselves in that dressing room for 10 minutes, they were baking chocolate chip cookies, weren't they! The ol' Lohan sweet tooth strikes again! I bet the reason Lindsay's pupils are so dilated in this picture is because the cookies were so darn big.

Lindsay Lohan and Adam Senn are serious

Lindsay Lohan already introduced new boyfriend Adam Senn to the family, which is something considering how royally screwed up said family is (illustrated nicely in the last paragraph). From Betty Confidential:

Lindsay Lohan invited her new boyfriend Adam Senn to meet her entire family at her kid sister Ali's 16th birthday party at Abe and Arthur's restaurant in NYC last night. The family celebrated with a dinner for 10 in a private room of the restaurant.

Our eyewitness says that Lindsay has finally moved on from Samantha Ronson, her on/off girlfriend of two years. "Lindsay and Adam were close all night. He had his arm around her, was kissing her and stuck by her side,” the insider says. “Lindsay's appears to be very skinny these days, but she was glowing. She loves the attention she's getting from Adam and looked extremely pleased with herself for landing Adam — she had a giant smile on her face!"

Lindsay's mom, Dina, her grandmother and brothers were also in the restaurant to celebrate Ali's birthday, but — as with all things Lohan — it didn't go smoothly. "Ali and Dina got in a huge fight and Ali stormed off in the middle of the party,” our source reveals. “Someone else kept telling Dina to ‘shut up.’ It was terrible! Lindsay and Adam seemed oblivious to all the drama and kept to themselves in the corner while everyone else dealt with the embarrassing outburst from Ali ... Dina let loose, drank a lot and was much more messy than Lindsay. It was shocking."

Obviously Lindsay doesn't like this Adam guy. If she did, she'd never have introduced him to her family. Exposing someone to the Lohans is like being married to Courtney Love -- at first you like the attention, but eventually you end up wanting to blow your brains out. I guess if Adam is as intent on making this relationship work as Lindsay is, there's one thing he needs to do: wear protection grow a vagina learn how to spelunk.

Michael Lohan is a deadbeat

Michael Lohan owes ex-wife Dina thousands in back child support. Oh I know, right? I was shocked too. He seems like such a standup guy. From TMZ:

As if Michael Lohan could descend any lower on the crappy father scale, TMZ found out he's over $15,000 behind in child support. According to legal documents obtained by TMZ, Michael has racked up $15,100 in unpaid child support to Dina for their three minor children: Aliana, Michael Jr. and Dakota Lohan.

Now how about this horrible scenario: If Michael profited off those audio tapes he released of Lindsay's lowest moments, he could actually pay off his child support with money he made from exploiting one of his children.

Can you really blame Michael for not having the money ? Ever since Paris, Kim, Shauna, Pam, Mini-Me, etc. have come out with sex tapes, audio tapes just don't pay what they used to. If Michael wants the big bucks these days, he'll have to release something to the media extra shocking -- like photos of Lindsay actually paying her bar tab or Ali in age-appropriate clothing.

Lindsay Lohan is a cutter

Headline in December of 2006: Lindsay Lohan is probably a cutter

Headline in January of this year: Lindsay's cutting again

Oh hey, guess what Dina Lohan confirmed to Lindsay's dad Michael in another one of those recorded phone calls he sold for cash and prizes. From RadarOnline:

In another glimpse into the twisted life of Lindsay Lohan, her parents Michael and Dina argued over how bad the situation with their daughter was, and Dina admitted that Lindsay had been cutting herself. The shocking bombshell is revealed in the recorded audio tape exclusively obtained by RadarOnline.com of a phone conversation between Dina and Michael, where the two blame each other for Lindsay's dire situation.

Michael is talking with Dina, telling her that he represents the bad things in her life and Dina interrupts him, saying "Her cutting herself and hurting herself? Yeah, it's bad Michael, it's bad." Lindsay has been photographed over the years and recently with scars on her wrists, a sign of the cutting, which is a desperate cry for help from the troubled starlet.

These tapes are incredible. Just devastating secret after devastating secret being exposed for all to hear. Really, what kind of monster of a father records family phone calls and then sells them for rent money? Michael took the concept of "trust," bent it over, and fucked it in the ass. Tomorrow I fully expect Dina to reveal that Lindsay was actually the second shooter on the grassy knoll. I bet on Saturday we find out she's the Zodiac Killer. Nothing would really surprise me about Lindsay at this point.