In social media fight news, Lindsay Lohan apparently just realized -- like we all did 15 years ago -- that her mom Dina is a terrible fucking person. She Instagrammed (and then deleted) this picture yesterday with the caption "@dinalohan ... Sometimes it sucks when your mom isn't there for you."
In completely unrelated news, I just thought of a brilliant business idea: a courier service that delivers cocaine to your doorstep anywhere in the world. You know, in case you keep calling your mom to bring some over but she doesn't answer because her phone got shut off because she didn't pay the bill. Fucking brilliant.
Dina Lohan's mug shot
Dina Lohan is guilty. America's favorite stage mom plead guilty to drunken driving and speeding today after she blew a .20 after being pulled over on the Northern State Parkway in New York last year. Blew. heh heh heh. From Newsday:
Nassau County District Court Judge Andrew Engel told the 51-year-old Merrick woman he wants her to do 100 hours of community service before her June 3 sentencing. The judge said he plans to give Lohan a conditional discharge, a 1-year period in which she will have to follow the terms of her sentence and not get rearrested.FOR SALE: White BMW owned by Dina Lohan and her daughter Lindsay. LOW miles. No, for reals. Like, really really low miles. This thing hasn't left the driveway in months. *car does have extensive vomit stains on the driver's side floor, but it's FAMOUS vomit!.
He said he also plans to require Lohan to attend a 16-hour state program that's aimed at educating drivers about changing risky behavior related to alcohol and drug choices.
Lohan also will have to install devices in every vehicle she owns or drives that won't allow them to start unless a test shows she's sober.
Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan riding Citi Bikes in New York (10/8)
I don't know why I find these pictures so amusing. I think it's because it's the most normal thing I've ever seen Lindsay Lohan and her mother Dina do. It's almost alarming to see them both completely sober. And, at least from a superficial perspective, Dina doesn't appear to be exploiting or even trying to exploit Lindsay at all. Fascinating.
*20 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:
Dina Lohan at the premiere of The Canyons in New York (7/29)
The tables have turned and now Lindsay Lohan is the one taking care of her alcoholic mother Dina. I kid, I kid -- Dina's never taken care of Lindsay . . . unless you count Top Ramen as a nutritional breakfast. From Radar:
Dina's recent arrest for drunk driving really has the Mean Girls actress angry, sad and upset. In fact, while filming for her eight-episode docu-series on OWN earlier this week, and eyewitness tells Radar Lindsay was on the verge of tears over her mother.Oh great. Lindsay's been sober two weekends in a row for the fist time since the Clinton administration, and now she sits on her throne of judgement handing down platitudes to all the sinners. Maybe if LiLo would stuff her giant ginger feet into her mother's shoes for a day, she'd know how demanding it is being a drunken idiot 24/7 . . . oh, wait, that was Lindsay up until a court ordered her to sober up over the summer or get ready to munch on the kind of tuna sandwiches that are only served in the shower rooms in the ladies' wing at San Quentin. Instead of shitting on her mother, Lindsay should return the favor that Dina did for her over the years and become her enabler. Who knows? Maybe Dina will find love on some lezbo DJ's hand penises, too -- or more likely a bad case of feminine itch.
"Lindsay's really pissed about her mother. She even said her mother 'is a f**kin child and she needs to be supervised,'" a source close to the starlet told Radar. "She looked like she wanted to cry. She said, 'And you wonder why I can't take advice from these people,' referring to her mom and dad."
"Lindsay said its pretty pathetic when your mom contacts you with an apology for doing the exact same things you've done and claims she's so sorry blah blah blah," the source continued. "Basically Lindsay thinks her mom is a complete hypocrite."
*10 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:
Dina Lohan arrested for DUI
A Lohan is under arrest for DUI, and all is right with the world again. Surprisingly, it's not Lindsay this time. It's her mom Dina, who got busted in New York last night, the only state in America that outlaws taxis. Wait, that doesn't sound right . . . From TMZ:
During the stop, cops say she appeared intoxicated -- and tested her blood alcohol level, which registered at .20 -- more than twice the legal limit of .08..20? That ain't shit. You know what Dina calls a .20? A Thursday afternoon. You should see her on a Saturday night. The Captain Morgan pirate tried to keep up with her a few Saturdays ago at a bar in New Jersey. Couldn't do it. Passed the fuck out and then Dina raped the shit out of him and stole all of his treasure. What goes around comes around.
According to officials, "Lohan made an allegation that she was injured during the course of the arrest" ... but when medical personnel responded to the scene and determined she was fine, Dina "recanted her claim."
Lohan was hauled to a nearby station where she was booked on two counts of driving while intoxicated and one count of speeding.
Lindsay Lohan has no freaking chance
Lindsay Lohan has exactly zero percent chance of remaining clean and sober when she finally leaves rehab (less than zero now that Oprah is giving her $2 million). And we can thank her mom Dina for that. "C'mon honey, if we hurry we can still make happy hour!" From Radar:
The infamous mother & daughter, "have been known to go out clubbing and drinking together," a source told Radar. "Lindsay doesn't need a friend in her parents, she needs Dina to act as her mother.Yeah, Lindsay moving back in with White Oprah is a bad idea, but so is letting Lindsay drive after a few "bottled waters" -- what's your point? Sure, if you guys are gonna be a bunch of little Boy Scouts, I concede that DiLo might be a lil' bit of an enabler who will eventually have to bury her daughter, but look at the bright side: the Lohans and their drunken antics entertain me immensely. Their lives are like a Michael Bay production without the explosions and sexual harassment. That's all the reason I need to support unleashing Lindsay and Dina on the world. LiLo has proven time after time that nothing can stop her boozy ways, so let's just all sit back and enjoy the train wreck as the summer winds down. If we're lucky, maybe we get another shot at a "Trial of the Century," since the Zimmerman verdict was so anti-climactic. Keep those fingers crossed!
"She has been told that living under the same roof as Dina could jeopardize her sobriety. It's best if Lindsay were to live with a sober living companion, or in a sober living facility upon release from rehab....However, Lindsay has no desire to move into a sober living facility."
Mama Lohan recently told the New York Daily News that upon release from rehab, "She (Lindsay) will definitely start back at home with all of us."
*20 Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:
Dina Lohan pockets $50k for talk show appearance
Dina Lohan was paid $50k last week to fight with her ex-husband Michael Lohan on The Test -- a new talk show that uses lie detectors to see if guests are being truthful. Seems like a wise investment. If I know anything about television, it's that Dina Lohan is ratings gold. Heck, I bet her whole family watched. From TMZ:
As we told you ... Dina and Michael Lohan went nuclear on each other Thursday during a taping of a new show that uses lie detectors to settle disputes. Dina and Michael were at each other's throats over Lindsay, infidelity ... the usual.In my village there's an old saying that goes a little something like this: "A job's a job, right?" No, not right. That's how a prostitute justifies her actions before performing a particularly degrading act (see: Paris Hilton in life, Harrison Ford agreeing to do Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). It's also what Mikey Lodown and White Oprah say to themselves every night to keep from shotgunning their brains to the ceiling -- this is why I'm not overly mean to Lindsay when I report her misadventures. LiLo and her future celebrity rehab siblings were clearly raised by wolves . . . dirty laundry the Lohans will gladly air out for an extra $84 and a bottle of Jack.
So why would Dina and Michael go on a show? To help Lindsay get better? Unlikely. To settle their differences? That's never gonna happen. The reason is simple. Dina got $50 grand, and it didn't feel dirty because we're told she got Lindsay's permission in advance.
FUN FACT: In my village, the word "wolves" is a euphemism for the word "cunts"
*5 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:
Dina Lohan is writing her memoirs
Dina Lohan told the New York Daily News over the weekend that she's working on her memoirs. Expect heavy plagiarism from Wikipedia . . . and I don't even mean her Wikipedia page.
"It's totally cathartic, but my kids are like, write the book already. So I think it's time. I'm doing it more for my children than for me to shed light on what really went down when Lindsay was little and what she had to deal with. It's actually my life story, not about Lindsay and not about my ex. ... I'm from A to M. ... I guess I'm at M at this point; I don't know. Not at Z yet."What the hell is White Oprah writing, a pamphlet on being a shitty mom? Of course this book will focus on Lindsay, and maybe even a line or two regarding the eventual demise of her sister, Skeletor Lohan. Dina has had absolutely nothing to offer society after the Disney kid fell out of her man-trap. Unless she admits to spiking Lindsay's Frosted Flakes with cocaine, the book will be about as popular as Tori Spelling's line of beauty products.
*20 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:
Dina Lohan is somehow still invited to events
I don't know if people are doing this as a joke or what, but Dina Lohan is somehow still being invited to events. That's her at the Rock Art Love Ball + Art Auction at the Angel Orensanz Center in New York on Tuesday. In other news, the Angel Orensanz Center in New York reported on Wednesday morning that they're missing a bunch of gravy boats, plates, and flatware, so if you know what happened to them, give them a call.
*11 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:
Lindsay Lohan at the amfAR New York Gala at Cipriani Wall Street (2/6)
Lindsay Lohan has moved back into her old room at the family home in Long Island to get closer to her mom Dina and repair all the damage to their relationship that's been done over the years. Oh yeah, and she can't afford to live anywhere else. That, too. From the New York Daily News:
"For the past three months that has been her home base," a source close to the family dishes. "After all that time being in the business, making money, she doesn't own a house, a car, furniture, an apartment. She has nothing to her name. It's quick money here and there and she blows it right away."Hey, do you smell that? No, you didn't step in an enormous pile of raccoon shit -- what you and Mark Burnett smell is a reality show starring Lindsay and Dina. I would love to be a fly on the wall during the first taping of dinner at the Lohan's. I'll just go ahead and set the scene:
At home, life has regressed to the mother-daughter relationship of Lohan's childhood, with the duo watching TV together to pass time.
Dina: "Lindsay! I told you to finish what's on your plate!"
Lindsay: "But mom..."
Dina: "No buts, Missy! You clean every grain of cocaine on that plate or I'm confiscating your dildos!"
Ali: "Mom! There's a man with a $20 hanging out of his zipper, asking for Lindsay!"
Lindsay: "Gosh, it's already 10PM?"
I smell a hit. You're welcome.
*20 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery: