Dina Lohan

Ali Lohan and her new face

Dina Lohan's brainwashing must have gotten to her daughter Ali. She totally doesn't think of her mom as a greedy scheming monster willing to do anything for money and/or attention. Denying rumors that she got plastic surgery and chalking it all up to a growth spurt, Ali told Page Six Magazine:

"I was cracking up [about the rumors]. Because, like, when would I do that (surgery)? I’m 17-years-old. That's not legal! I would need my mother's signature, and do you think my mom would sign off on that? No! Its not the right thing to do. . . . It's stupid. I don't listen to it. Its absolutely not true."

Is Ali really asking if we think her mother would sign off on her doing something as inappropriate as getting plastic surgery? Uh, has she seen what her mother's done to her sister? Dina Lohan cares less about other people's well-being than Michael Jackson's doctor. I'd sooner have Jerry Sandusky babysit my kid than Dina.

*11 Ali Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan approves of Lindsay's Playboy spread

I think it's more than a little weird to sound enthusiastic about your daughter's Playboy photoshoot, but then again, I actually have a sense of morality. Dina Lohan on the other hand . . .

Dina Lohan is 100% in support of Lindsay's Playboy photo shoot. She tells X17online exclusively, "The photo shoot went well."

The 25-year-old actress is earning more than $750,000 to take it off for the famous men's magazine, according to TMZ. X17online has exclusive photos of Lilo arriving to the shoot at a massive mansion in Beverly Hills with younger sister Ali in tow.

Of course Dina thinks Lindsay's photoshoot "went well" -- she got paid more than $750K for just a few hours of work. What mother wouldn't be proud? The saddest part about this whole story is that even though he was arrested twice this week, Michael Lohan is actually starting to look like the responsible parent in this family. Say what you will about the guy, but at least he doesn't encourage his daughter to take off her clothes for money -- he saves that philosophy for his "girlfriends."

*15 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan is drunk

Did Lindsay Lohan's mom Dina get shitfaced last week at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills? Of course she did, silly. Quit judging. What else is a 48-year-old woman supposed to do with her free time? Work a steady job and take care of her four children? And just waste 40 whole hours a week? Yeah, right. You need to be more realistic.

*6 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan might be on Dancing with the Stars

Even though you have to be at least a C-list star to be on the show, the New York Post is claiming that Dina Lohan is in talks to be on the next season of Dancing with Stars:

Dina Lohan says she's in talks to appear on "Dancing With the Stars." On Sunday, Lindsay Lohan's mom was overheard talking about her plans to appear on the ABC show as she celebrated her daughter's birthday at a private house in Water Mill dubbed the Ciroc Cabana Club.

As for who Dina's partner might be, expect her to pick someone whose fame she can exploit for her own personal benefit -- errrrrr, I mean someone who's really good at the tango. No homo but, ohhhh, I hope she's paired with Maksim!!! *swoon*

*5 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

I would do the same thing if Dina Lohan was my mom

Though of course she's completely innocent of all charges, Dina Lohan says her angel Lindsay is considering pleading "no contest" to charges that she stole an expensive necklace. Dina told the New York Daily News:

"Obviously she's not pleading guilty. My children don't steal things."

That last sentence makes way more sense if you add "Besides Lindsay" to the front of it.

"But the system is so strange out in Los Angeles. We're considering a couple options and just want to get this over with in the shortest amount of time," she added. "Lindsay is up for a couple film roles, and we want this behind us the quickest way possible. We're speaking with the attorneys tomorrow, and we'll make that decision after we talk.

Yeah, the system is so strange out here in California, where people are held legally accountable for their actions. Bunch of crazy hippies, each and every one of us. "Why can't California be more like Darfur?" I often ask myself.

*5 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan continues to amaze

So I guess Dina Lohan is against Lindsay reconciling with her dad Michael because she thinks he's just trying to use her to get famous. Oh. The irony. The fact that we even know who the hell Dina Lohan is means she's capitalized on Lindsay's fame. For example, name Katy Perry's mom. Exactly. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Dina Lohan, vehemently opposed to a Michael-Lindsay reconnection, has refused to join in any counseling sessions at Betty Ford where he was present. "Dina just knows that Michael will always be out to just promote Michael," said a Dina pal Saturday. "She got even more suspicious when she heard Michael already was pitching a film project to Lindsay that he would help produce. ... This is just another way he's trying to capitalize on Lindsay's fame."

Dina's accusing Michael of trying to capitalize on Lindsay's fame? Frankly, it's a little surprising that an attention whore like Dina didn't make this announcement through her publicist while on her own self-produced reality show. The reality is that if Dina were to leech any more off of her daughter, she'd have to change her last name to Federline.

*12 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina and Ali Lohan arriving at Lynwood Correctional Facility to visit Lindsay (7/26)

Great news for Lindsay Lohan: the other prisoners at Lynwood will no longer be calling her "fire crotch." Not so great news: because she was moved from her cell to soul-crushing solitary confinement. From The Sun:

Lindsay Lohan has been moved to solitary confinement to keep her away from abusive inmates, according to a recently released lag. The actress has reportedly kept prisoners at LA County jail awake at night as she wails over the taunts chanted at her repeatedly throughout the day. As a result, Lindsay's been put in lockdown as officials bid to make conditions more bearable for all, says former inmate Cheryl Presser.

She revealed: "Lindsay would lie there shivering all night, crying and covering her face with her hands. Her wailing was keeping everyone awake. She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling, so she got put in isolation."

So she's pretty much handling this exactly like I thought she would. What, did you really think Lindsay would have some Zen-like experience in jail where she sat in silent self-reflection for hours a day and ultimately transformed herself into a better person? Of course not. The only thing Lindsay's taking home from this whole experience is lice.

*17 photos total in the gallery:

Dina and Ali Lohan at a pre-Thanksgiving luncheon in Long Island last year

By all accounts Dina Lohan is the worst mother in the history of mankind. I'd let Susan Smith babysit my kids before I let Dina. Plain and simple, she's a monster. Which is why nothing surprises me at all in this article from Fox:

With Lindsay Lohan either in jail or in rehab for the foreseeable future, "momager" Dina Lohan is in Los Angeles strategizing how she will pay the bills and keep her family's name in the media without her daughter's help. Dina is sitting down for interviews solo this week to give Ali a little time to collect herself, but the mother-daughter pair will soon be appearing together, the insider said.

"Lindsay was the family breadwinner and now that role will shift while she's away," the source told FOX411.com. "Dina will sell their story and Ali is the next in line to take over for Lindsay. Dina had hoped that Ali would land some new acting spots while she was living with Lindsay, but that never happened. There was a Nickelodeon show in the works months ago starring Ali, but it fell through."

If you can't get a Nickelodeon show for your semi-famous kid, I'm sorry but you have failed as a parent. They give shows to everyone. I think even I had a show at one point. Anything goes at that network. It's like the Wild West. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a saloon near set where all the iCarly stars hang out. Hell, the rising young star of a show they marketed to 10-year-olds used to leave set early to go have unprotected sex. And she was barely fired after weeks of meetings. And yet they still wouldn't take a chance on Ali. You suck Dina.

Our source says that Ali is being pushed down the same path as Lindsay, but where Lindsay was bold and brash, Ali is timid.

"It's sad to see this happening to Ali, but this is the only life she has known. Her education isn't a big priority and Ali idolizes Lindsay. Lindsay is the most stable part of Ali's life and with her leaving, it takes away her security blanket," said the insider. "It's always been assumed that Lindsay would take care of her, but with that in question, Ali will be back with Dina. Dina's rules and Dina's interviews. Ali will do whatever the family needs."

"Lindsay is the most stable part of Ali's life"? What the fuck? The only thing less stable than Lindsay Lohan is a Haitian building  the Peso  Michael J. Fox's hand. If Ali keeps "idolizing" Lindsay like this, she may end up following in her footsteps and one day becoming a sexually-confused, out-of-work, convicted felon. Or even worse, a ginger. *shudders*

*19 photos total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan is delusional

Dina Lohan sat down with Entertainment Tonight for her first interview since Lindsay Lohan was slapped with a 90-day sentence on Tuesday and, shockingly, she comes off like a complete fucking monster making excuse after excuse for her dumb daughter."

Of the "ambush" in court, Dina says Lindsay was "completely blindsided." Lindsay believes she was in complete compliance with the terms of her parole and that the outcome of the day in court was to be the removal of her SCRAM bracelet.

Really? She really thought Judge Revel would remove the bracelet? And then what? A pizza party maybe? "I sentence you to a slice of delicious pepperoni!' Keep in mind that, since May 20, Lindsay has had two warrants issued for her arrest (here and here). Now I'm no lawyer, but it seems like that's not a good thing.

Dina speaks out against Judge Marsha Revel for allowing the proceedings to be televised and making a "spectacle" of her daughter, saying, "This is not an OJ Simpson trial, which they made it out to be."

Dina tells ET that Lindsay is currently consulting new legal counsel and hoping to file an appeal before her court-mandated jail term, no later than July 20. "She's a fighter, and until the final result -- we're not giving up." Continuing on, "I think it's time we get another attorney just to see it from another light and do damage control." Dina says she and Lindsay spend hours each day on their own reviewing court documents, case law and information about the Los Angeles jail system.

Oh wow. That last comment is like a really expensive bottle of 2005 Château Mouton Rothschild. The floral plum undertones, the beautiful sweetness of fruit on the nose, the delicate finish. You don't want to ruin the experience with cheap commentary. You just want to sit back and enjoy it.

NOTE: Looks like Dina hacked Lindsay's Twitter again.

*12 pictures total in the gallery: 

Lindsay Lohan arriving to a party in the Hollywood Hills (6/12)

Carvel Ice Cream has blacklisted the entire Lohan family because of an incident at a Long Island store involving Dina in which the police were called. No, really, I'm not kidding. From E!:

Ice cream purveyor Carvel has rescinded an unlimited freebie card it had given to Lohan after her family—particularly mom Dina—supposedly abused the frozen-treat privilege.

"These cards were issued in the celebrity's name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use," Carvel said in a statement. "Many celebrities have enjoyed their cards at our Carvel Ice Cream shoppes and have shared their excitement with being included in the celebration.

"Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay's name only, her extended family has repeatedly used the card without her present. At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanc for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

"Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned. The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again. This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity's name for their own purposes. We regret that the Lohan family is upset and hope this matter is put behind us quickly."

Wait a sec, are we sure this story is true? The Lohan family just doesn't strike me as the type that would take advantage of a situation like this. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. Like, maybe Dina was using Lindsay's ultra-exclusive freebie card so she could pass out ice cream to the homeless. Yeah, that sounds right. Those Lohans are always thinking about those less fortunate than themselves.

*32 pics total in the gallery: