Dina Lohan

Dina Lohan is writing her memoirs

Dina Lohan told the New York Daily News over the weekend that she's working on her memoirs. Expect heavy plagiarism from Wikipedia . . . and I don't even mean her Wikipedia page.

"It's totally cathartic, but my kids are like, write the book already. So I think it's time. I'm doing it more for my children than for me to shed light on what really went down when Lindsay was little and what she had to deal with. It's actually my life story, not about Lindsay and not about my ex. ... I'm from A to M. ... I guess I'm at M at this point; I don't know. Not at Z yet."

What the hell is White Oprah writing, a pamphlet on being a shitty mom? Of course this book will focus on Lindsay, and maybe even a line or two regarding the eventual demise of her sister, Skeletor Lohan. Dina has had absolutely nothing to offer society after the Disney kid fell out of her man-trap. Unless she admits to spiking Lindsay's Frosted Flakes with cocaine, the book will be about as popular as Tori Spelling's line of beauty products.

*20 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan is somehow still invited to events

I don't know if people are doing this as a joke or what, but Dina Lohan is somehow still being invited to events. That's her at the Rock Art Love Ball + Art Auction at the Angel Orensanz Center in New York on Tuesday. In other news, the Angel Orensanz Center in New York reported on Wednesday morning that they're missing a bunch of gravy boats, plates, and flatware, so if you know what happened to them, give them a call.

*11 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan at the amfAR New York Gala at Cipriani Wall Street (2/6)

Lindsay Lohan has moved back into her old room at the family home in Long Island to get closer to her mom Dina and repair all the damage to their relationship that's been done over the years. Oh yeah, and she can't afford to live anywhere else. That, too. From the New York Daily News:

"For the past three months that has been her home base," a source close to the family dishes. "After all that time being in the business, making money, she doesn't own a house, a car, furniture, an apartment. She has nothing to her name. It's quick money here and there and she blows it right away."

At home, life has regressed to the mother-daughter relationship of Lohan's childhood, with the duo watching TV together to pass time.

Hey, do you smell that? No, you didn't step in an enormous pile of raccoon shit -- what you and Mark Burnett smell is a reality show starring Lindsay and Dina. I would love to be a fly on the wall during the first taping of dinner at the Lohan's. I'll just go ahead and set the scene:

Dina: "Lindsay! I told you to finish what's on your plate!"
Lindsay: "But mom..."
Dina: "No buts, Missy! You clean every grain of cocaine on that plate or I'm confiscating your dildos!"
Lindsay: "hrumff!"
*doorbell*
Ali: "Mom! There's a man with a $20 hanging out of his zipper, asking for Lindsay!"
Lindsay: "Gosh, it's already 10PM?"
End scene

I smell a hit. You're welcome.

*20 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Lindsay Lohan outside Shutters on the Beach in Santa Monica (1/29)

Lindsay Lohan was turned away from two hotels last night in Santa Monica. First she (and mom Dina) tried to get a room at Shutters on the Beach at 1 AM, but were turned away because she's been blacklisted from the place since trashing a room in 2007. She then tried to get a room at the Lowes Santa Monica, but was also turned away because, according to TMZ, there were no rooms available. That's right. No rooms available. On a Wednesday night. Ouch, how embarrassing. I can't believe how far Lindsay has fallen and the amount of disrespect she now has to put up with all because of some poor life decisions. Boy am I glad I stopped sucking dick for coke last year!

*10 Lindsay Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan got knocked the fuck out!

Yesterday Dina Lohan summoned up the courage to make allegations that her ex-husband Michael Lohan "raped" her twenty years ago, so that's why nothing Lindsay Lohan does is ever her fault (seriously). That sound you here is me playing the world's saddest song on the world's smallest violin. And now Entertainment Tonight has these exclusive photos of Dina with a black eye:

Michael vehemently denies abusing Dina, telling ET, "[Dina] hit me with an ice tray, and I turned around and swung ... I didn't punch her. I didn't do anything deliberately to attack her. I swung out of reflex ... she's twisting everything."

During an interview with the New York Daily News, the mother of four alleged that Michael physically abused her in front of their daughter Lindsay Lohan, claiming, "that's why she's so screwed up." In the vintage photos, Dina is carrying a baby.

"Physical abuse in a relationship is NEVER okay," said a man who had never met Dina Lohan. Seriously, Michael Lohan should be sainted for not immediately putting Dina in an armbar once she hit the ground.

Check out the full gallery of photos over at Entertainment Tonight

Dina Lohan is really proud of her daughter

Dina Lohan tells Entertainment Tonight that she's just so proud of her daughter Lindsay for admitting that she has a drug problem and is finally seeking help on her own accord without pressure from others lied about her being high on coke last month when the two got into a fight. Oh gosh, what a proud moment for a mother. She said:

"Absolutely lied. We were having an argument, it escalated, and [Lindsay], in her weakest moment called someone. She called [her father] and he recorded the conversation. She just wanted to hurt me at that moment ... I hate cocaine. I don't do cocaine. I'm so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I'm very proud of her for that."

Wow, this reminds me a lot of my own mom . . . just replace "proud that I finally admitted that she wasn't high on coke" to "proud that I graduated from one of the best universities in the world and have never woken up in a ditch or met with my probation officer because I don't have a fucking probation officer" . . . but then again, my mom sets the bar a little higher for me than "habitually lying coke whore."

*5 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

"I only passed out twice tonight!"

This whole "I don't drink alcohol anymore because I clearly have a problem" thing with Lindsay Lohan isn't going too well. The New York Daily News says she got drunk over the weekend at her mom Dina's 50th birthday dinner:

Lindsay Lohan partied like it was her birthday on Saturday -- because it was her mother's. According to the manager of Mio Posto in Hicksville, L.I., the 26-year-old "Liz & Dick" actress had "double vodka and club soda" during Dina Lohan's 12-person ... small but rowdy celebration.

But Dina says it's no big deal that her raging, self-destructive alcoholic daughter is throwing back a few, because not drinking is, like, really hard:

"I'm certainly not making excuses for Lindsay's behavior. But she's a 26-year-old woman. Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually -- you want to keep a balance. I don't know what's a right way or a wrong way."

Aw yeah, baby. White Oprah and Firecrotch getting sloppy at a bar together really isn't something that needs to be reported since it's an everyday occurrence, but the thought of these two animals drunkenly going down on a cab driver for a ride home really tickles my funny bone something awful. Look, I'm a pretty big deal in the world of former Disney actresses so I know how to make magic happen. When I want to run into celebrities in NYC, I'll get a drink at The Spotted Pig. But If I want to get some yanky cranky from a Lohan, I'll go to the men's room at the Huntington, NY Cheesecake Factory.

*15 Lindsay Lohan pics total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan is a horrible human being

Dina Lohan basically stole $2,500 from a charity after walking out on the bill for a fundraising dinner in The Hamptons. Oh, I'm sure she's mailing a check right now. A very "bouncy" check, if you will. From the New York Post:

[Dina] and her brother [Paul Sullivan] were offered four complimentary tickets to new East Hampton restaurant hot spot Andrra on Saturday night to watch the Great Bonac Fireworks Show to aid the nonprofit Clamshell Foundation, which supports local health, cultural and education projects.

But Dina and Paul arrived for the seated dinner with eight others. A source told us, "They dined and dashed on a $2,500 check and didn't leave a dime for the waiters. The understanding was they would get four free tickets. Anthony stormed up at the end and said, 'What is this check for?' Organizers offered a reduced bill for around $1,100, but then they just upped and left without leaving a tip. When organizers later phoned him to demand payment, Sullivan said, 'My celebrity clients were not happy.' "

Wow, that's shocking -- an ungrateful Lohan believes she's entitled to more than what she's worth because of her accomplishments (I would try to list them, but I don't write fiction). The Clamshell Foundation arrogantly though Dina wouldn't rip them off -- incredible. Personally, I'd sooner leave Demi Lovato alone with a bottle opener at a Jagermeister warehouse before inviting a Lohan to a charity event.

*15 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (5/18)

Who would've thought that Dina Lohan would eventually become the most successful Lohan? Your move, Lindsay . . . if you're awake yet today. Via Celebuzz:

It looks like a reality TV mash up of NBC's Smash and Disney's High School Musical could be hitting the small screen -- starring Hollywood's most well-known momager Dina Lohan. Celebuzz has learned the mother of Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan has signed on to as-yet unsold documentary-series that promises to chronicle the real-life journey of launching a Broadway-bound musical from "page to stage," while showcasing the incredible talents of our young performers and their DramaMamas, hovering not far behind.

"There is nothing more important to me than a parent standing behind their child and helping them fulfill their dreams," Dina told Celebuzz.

Cool, I can honestly say that I don't have a problem with more Dina in my life. Thank God she didn't follow then boyfriend Michael's advice 25-years-ago and take up horseback riding with saddles made entirely of coat hangers, because her daughter Lindsay has made me a disgustingly wealthy man. Now she's mass-producing horrible children? I say bring it on, baby! It's gonna be great -- the woman who actually ranks below Susan Smith in parenting instincts is in charge of other people's children AND it's gonna be broadcast to the world? Sweet! Dina's lucky this is our last Summer before the end of the world, because prosecutors will barely have enough time to bring her up on child endangerment charges.

*10 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery:

Dina Lohan arriving to Lindsay's court hearing in L.A. (2/22)

What, you thought Dina Lohan only was only exploiting Lindsay and Ali? Nope, if you're a Lohan and you can walk, you better start making the family some money. From GossipDavid:

Dina Lohan's been in Los Angeles with her youngest son Cody — who's on school break — hanging out with Lindsay and working. Cody loves the West Coast, and Dina say he’s been spending a lot of time surfing. In fact, he's become such a surfing aficionado, that manager Dina is signing Cody to a sponsor for surfing, GossipDavid has learned.

Next up for Dina is to head back to New York, and support Lindsay as she prepares to host Saturday Night Live next weekend. Plus, Dina's returning to the East Coast to work on a film with her eldest son, Michael Jr., 23.

There's no quit in White Oprah, I'll give her that. Most stage moms give the life up when the toddler snorts the tiara, but Dina is certainly not your average stage mom. So what if the only solid foods Meal Ticket #1 ever eats are tequila worms? At least Lindsay works. Up until now, lazy-ass Cody has been too busy with "homework" and "college applications" to earn his keep. I'm with momma Lohan on this one. Put those other two ginger hookers to work before the china white takes hold. Hey, they have the former star of Herbie Fully Loaded for guidance, what could possibly go wrong?

*11 Dina Lohan pictures total in the gallery: